Awkward situation

Lupatria, that sounds awful. He actually put his new lady friend before his own child

I have a partner of over ten years. He was separated from his wife years before he met me. They lived apart and his son lived with the mother. He still supported them financially as if they were still married, partly because he did not want trouble and partly because he was lazy.

At the end of every month just before he got paid again she emptied his bank account so there was nothing left in it.

When he met me, she turned into a monster and blamed me for the marriage break up.
He had to open a new bank account to stop her from withdrawing all the money each month and started to pay her maintenance util the divorce came through.

In all these years we have never met. She has said the most terrible things about me to his mum and his brothers, and none of them believe any of it.

I eventually met his son who is a credit to his parents. I'm friendly with him, and I think he genuinely likes me.

When it was his graduation, it was never even muted that I would go. Why would I? They are his parents. I got to see the photos and he looked great. That was enough for me.

Now she wants to meet me, and says it's all water under the bridge. It may be for her, but not for me. I like the status quo the way it is, and I'm glad his son has not had to witness any trouble.

Your ex-husband sounds like a right plonker

Nonnie, these things do hurt, I know, but for me, I'm thinking that I have to just live my life and not let the thoughtlessness of EXP influence my life or who I am. I find that this attitude is really helping me to cope and be free of the awful feelings and negativity that can plague you in these situations.

We all have different ways of coping and primewarp should feel good about whatever she decides to do. We have to be gentle with ourselves, I know that.

Whatever you decide, make sure your daughter understands your feelings now; and that they may well change with time, as you go through the mourning process for your marriage. I'm finding that my kids are desperate for a new normal - but I haven't got there yet, 18 months on!

Good luck, either way.

It will almost certainly feel really horrid at times, BUT if you don't go, and put on a happy-ish face, it could give the impression that you can't cope with him moving on, and the corollary to that is that people are either going to pity you and presume that you secretly want him back and are broken-hearted, or think you are avoiding the dinner because you are so mean-spirited that you don't want to see him happy. I wouldn't want to go either, but I would go, and be friendly and gracious, take the measure of the new partner, and if I felt that they are rubbing my nose in it a bit, then I would mention that I had joined an internet dating site (the norm, rather than a shameful thing now), but that while I was going on the odd really enjoyable dates, it was still early days for me, and I was enjoying my own company too much to commit, thus implying that they were rushing it! I would suggest though that you really ask yourself why you feel it would break you to see them together - if you are genuinely OK with the split, and still care for him, then you want him to be happy, don't you, even if it means being with someone else?

Well I think that your soon to be ex-husband has an insensitive bone bigger than his brain.

He has not only put your daughter on the spot by ringing and asking her but he is also going to rub your nose in it too on the day. What a piece of work!

I think your daughter was caught on the hop and didn't want to refuse him. She has then panicked a bit and rang you for your reaction. You have floated over it like it was nothing in an oh good for him way when deep down, and you have said this, you are not ready for it and quite rightly too.

I believe your daughter should ring him back and say having thought about it she would prefer just the grandparents here this weekend, then in time, in small doses, she would be happy to meet his new lady friend. She could then invite him to bring her on another occasion so she could meet her and maybe get to know her better before she is introduced to the family.

I do not think your daughter should have put you in this situation or encourage you to go along with this plan. I'm not sure what the motivation is but after only two months why do you need to visit your daughter together? It sounds like she has not accepted your split or even that she wants you 2 back together? Are you sure this other women even exists or is it an excuse on your ex-husbands part either to not visit or is their some other agenda going on? I would speak to your ex and tell him you are not going then see what his reaction is.

Men!!!

Don't put a smile on your face. Don't dress up to the nines. Don't go. No apologies.

Your daughter knows he's out of order, and will probably respect you for refusing to play that game.

Behave badly or behave well, but do it for yourself, by your rules.

Sorry but I couldn't have that either. Two months is a very short time to be bringing another woman to the family? Only my opinion but I think your daughter could have told him not yet, it's a bit too soon for us all.

your husband is out of order. it's your family and therefore nothing to do with the lady friend.
my ex husband was going to take his then lady friend to our son's graduation and i told him it wasn't appropriate as she wasn't part of the family ...... he then refused to go!
hopefully you can explain this to your daughter and she can then let her dad know that it's inappropriate. maybe he could introduce his lady friend another time when you're not going to be there.
but i would glam up anyway and show that you've moved on yourself - have a good time ....... hope to hear how you got on.

Kitspurr, I hear you, but it's the underhandedness that I think is unacceptable.

This just goes to show that men and women are most decidedly from different hemispheres let alone planets.

It's finding out later that all your friends knew about it ages ago, and that some of them even met her, and even like her....

I know life goes on but... I'm just glad that did not happen to me.

Mine just cleared off abroad with all our money... I could handle that better than another woman, and the emotional politics

Difficult but I have had to go to family occasions for years where my ex husband and his partner (who was on the scene before we split up) are also in attendance.

For the sake of the family, I just go along with it. Nothing else for it. Just remember the reasons why you no longer want to be with him anyway, and enjoy your freedom from those reasons.

I have been married for 39 years and most of it happily I think?however in the situation you are describing I feel this is too soon even after a amicable separation if you do go hold your head high and make the visit shorter than usual but you do what's best for you I'm wondering now how long has he known her or is this just a stunt to make you feel that he is coping and perhaps is not? Good luck to you x

This is your family primewarp, so don't think that you cannot go. You will be fine. It's just another hurdle to jump.

Last week my counsellor told me that, 90% of men leaving a relationship already have another partner to go to. She told me not to worry or dwell on this possibility, it's just that a lot of men need someone in their lives, but a lot of women don't and tend to move on at a slower pace.

Be brave, show him that you're your own woman and that you're doing just fine. After the breakup of my 32 year relationship 6 momths ago, my favourite expression at the moment is "keep on keepin' on" - love it!!

primewarp, you are asking people what you should do when none of us really know anything other than the facts that you have split after a long time and he now has a new lady-friend.

If it were me, I would be wondering how long they have known each other for him to even contemplate bringing his new 'friend' to such a family orientated meal?

And if I were him, I would have introduced the new friend to my daughter first before asking if he can bring her along to this meal, and secondly he should have mentioned something to you.

Would I go? No.

Do you have someone else as well? How long was the marriage dead in the water? Do you think he is being unreasonable here?

I can't think of anything worse than having to ask his new friend 'how long have you known each other' over the Roast Beef. My initial thoughts would be how long has this been going on, and is this why we have split, because he's been dipping his wick elsewhere.

Sorry for the rudeness, but really...

I think I might get in touch with ex and tell him that while you understand he has moved on and that you are OK with that, you feel that he is putting your daughter in an awkward position and you will not be coming to the lunch brcause of that. If he can't see that himself he will have to be told!

I think this is out of order. Its too soon and its not the occasion to introduce the 'ladyfriend'. If anything its a chance for you and your husband and family to come to terms with the new status quo and work out your relationships, minus any complications. I would suggest asking your daughter to have a quiet word with her Dad, she doesnt necessarily have to mention she has spoken to you, she could just say she has been thinking it over and its making her a bit uncomfortable and could he bring the friend next time you all meet.

Do whatever you can to make this work. My family is broken beyond repair and I so envy families that can all get on after divorce, and I know a lot of them so know it's possible.

I do so hope it all works out well for you.

No! do not allow yourself to be put in this situation. An ex-partner of many years ago did this to me recently. Prior to the meeting I was confident and thought that after all these years I would be able to cope. I didn't even have one glass of wine but I behaved badly. I hardly acknowledged the "other" but chatted to my ex--reminding him of old times and even asked "How's your prostate?" I couldn't help myself. I was such a bitch--didn't know I had it in me. My loss as I have valued our friendship over the years. You need more time to get used to the situation. Explain how you feel to your daughter. It is up to her to make the decision in respect of your feelings. She is grown up.

I am not sure if you should go or not, but if you do, make sure you are there first. If you arrive after them you will have to walk into the room knowing people are watching for your reaction - if you do go, get there first and then you will not be 'on the back foot' when they arrive - good luck.

Not sure if I could go under these circumstances but would probably try the 'looking good and don't need a partner to prove it route' if I thought I could carry it off. Sounds like he needs to prove he's moved on but he also sounds a bit thoughtless regarding your daughter in all this. Hope it goes well whatever you decide.

I haven't been through this, but my instinct is that I would have taken great umbrage at the very suggestion, and probably used a Jings-ism? to tell them so! Your daughter will understand, and frankly, who cares what he thinks!

I feel your ex is being deliberately insensitive to move on so quickly after a long marriage I'm inclined to think he is the one having second thoughts and like a silly old fool he is wanting to see a reaction from you maybe jealousy I also think the friend odd I wouldn't want to meet up with the ex wife so soon in what must be a very new relationship.

I really do not think you should be putting pressure on primewarp to go. I wonder how many of you who have come up with the fairy tale idea of dressing well, etc., have ever been through a divorce, even an "amicable" one? I would not and I repeat not have done this. My ex often (still) behaves inappropriately which gives my (and his of course) children a very hard time. This is inappropriate and will not only be easier for the OP if she doesn't go but also easier for her daughter. As I say we are not writing the script for a story.

The issue seems to boil down to brave it out with charm on the one hand and don't go if you don't fancy the discomfort. I think that if you had had more time to adjust to your new single life, you'd be fine with your husband 'moving on', it's just that two months is not very long. It's just a time thing and I think it's in nonway to your discredit that you don't fancy this gathering just at the moment.

Good luck and do let us know what you decide and how you get on.

Many years ago when I was a slip of a girl ,I met someone who, on our second date, suggested we go to dinner with his soon to be ex wife and her boyfriend - who just happened to be his best friend.
He told me it would all be very civilised, but I just thought it was wierd and declined.