Awkward situation

Even though my husband left me for someone else, I'll never forget the look of complete shock and awkwardness when he first saw me with someone else. An author once said a marriage was like tree roots growing together; even if the relationship goes wrong the pain of separation is very great, even if you're the one who wants out of the relationship. Both me and my daughter completely went to pieces if we came into any sort of contact with my husbands new partner. It's hard to explain how it feels if someone hasn't been through it. A marriage dies over a long period of time; in fact it never really dies at all in some cases.

Re your ex-husband's future relationships.

Wonder why you never thought you'd use 'that phrase' (the other woman) - I think that part of your post was very telling primewarp and you have some thinking to do about your expectations recyour ex-husband future relationships

Thanks for the update, I was thinking of you last Sunday too. Bless your DD, so much less awkward for everyone.

primewarp thank you for the update from me too. I am so glad you found a way to deal with it and your lovely daughter was able to support you.

I am so pleased that you have updated us all, I'm sure there were lots of people thinking of you last Sunday and, of course, since. It's going to be a long bumpy road but there are so many people walking it with you

Right decision I feel and I m glad your daughter was understanding and I hope he and his equally insensitive female 'friend' take a walk in the opposite direction

My BIL is wanting to bring a new woman friend to a family wedding having lost his wife last year. He doesn't seem to understand that the rest of the family [the blood relatives of his wife] feel very uncomfortable about this [in fact, it isn't going to happen; we feel that a family wedding is not the time and place to introduce someone]. He can't understand why everyone is so against it. My ex never understood why our children would never have anything to do with the woman he left us for [he's now with someone else who's much nicer and we all get along fine]. I'm not saying that all men are the same but a lot of them just don't seem to understand how people feel in situations like this.

Definitely the best decision. It will take a fair length of time for you to get to grips with "another woman" on the scene. As I said before, I think that he met her when still married to you. I agree with others, he is an insensitive fool if he even considered bringing her for lunch at his daughter's home knowing that you would be there.

Good luck for the future- you do not need him!

Oops! Silly sod, I should have read it first ?

I haven't read the whole thread but I'm really narked on your behalf. Your husband's an oaf if he thinks this is appropriate, either he's trying to show you what you're missing or he's so insensitive he needs a kick up the wot sit.
I'd be so tempted not to go, it's going to be so awkward for your dd having a total stranger sitting there (she must be pretty dense too!)
I'd arrange to see your DD another day.
? & a hug x

Primewarp thanks for the update. I reckon that lots of us were wondering how it all went. Your ex sounds like an inconsiderate insensitive so and so if you don't mind me saying so. Your DD sounds like she's just what you need : kind and supportive. Onwards, with best wishes for your new, better life!

Thank you for all your wise words - if only I had a hunky man in my back pocket to whip out for such occasions! Sadly not. Or not yet anyway.

In the end I decided I couldn't face it and confessed as much to my daughter. She was very supportive and said she wouldn't like it either so asked him could she meet the other woman (never thought I'd use that phrase!) another time. She told him it was her who felt uncomfortable (which was true) so I didn't have to come into the equation.
Lunch was ok. Lovely to see my DGD of course but there was a very odd feeling underneath everything because of the fact that we now know there's another person around, physically or not. We kept skirting around certain conversations. I'm not surprised my husband didn't think it odd or thoughtless to invite her tbh and no doubt he's thinking my dd is being over the top but I feel she/we were in the right. Your comments were all so kind and insightful, thank you. I felt much better just reading them through. One doubts oneself so easily, especially during a big change like this.

Me too, how did it go?

been thinking about you a lot today. What did you decide to do? It was a difficult decision to make , and I don't envy you. Splitting up is very difficult, no matter what. Take care of yourself.

I would go, because if you don't it will look like you are upset.

I suggest you arrive first and just be your normal self, and say hello to this new woman. I imagine she will be feeling much more uncomfortable than you ever will. She might not even expect you to be there.

If you don't go this time the next time everyone will be looking at you to gauge your reaction and you will be in the uncomfortable position of having to meet this woman when everyone else has previously met her. This woman will be feeling more uncomfortable than you. You will be amongst family and not a stranger in someone else's home.

Thinking of you today primewarp. Have got a 'different but with slight similarities' situation developing with regards to my sons wedding.....

Good luck whatever you decide

Good morning Primewarp , I hope you're ok ? Today's the day , what have you decided to do ? Square your shoulders to the task and go ? Or stay home unhappily thinking of ' that woman' sitting in your place with your family . Reclaim your seat , Girl , there might be a take over bid going on . Don't allow it to happen - I've seen it with someone else ! Be kind to everyone especially yourself . x .

primewarp please be careful. You took a huge step in deciding to separate and any indication that you are in some way affected by him bringing a new woman into your family will be taken as a sign that you really want him back (men have such huge egos!). So if you dress up and go, take another man or play any sort of games with him you may be setting a pattern that could go on for ages. Go if you feel strong enough but do it just as you would do for any other family gathering. Personally I would stay away, as I said, you need time to adjust. There is a grieving process for any relationship, even one left willingly.Stay strong.

Unless you are as thick skinned as your ex ( and you certainly don't sound it) and a good actress to boot it will be an unmanageable time however much make up and high heels you put on. I think the advise to do something memorable and pleasant with maybe an understanding girlfriend is by far the best thing to do Don't put yourself in this position of embarrassment Your husbands new ( or in my brain not so new) girlfriend must be as insensitive and brazen as him they probably suit each other fine but keep your dignity and stay well away I never had to meet my ex s new wife but I did have to listen to everyone s praise for him as he completely reinvented himself and totally 'forgot' the neglect, the physical abuse,the mental torment not to mention the complete lack of interest in the children he had made and just moved forward, a complete Walter Mitty Some men ( maybe some women too ) have very short memories and greatly lack any kind of loyalty or compassion don't try to give him any satisfaction of a blessing for his new life and definitely no satisfaction that you are hurt dignify it by being too busy to attend

Two alternatives in my book.

Make yourself as gorgeous looking as possible. New clothes. Good makeup. Go and switch on a huge amount of charm, directed at other members of the party. Ignore him and her without making it too obvious,

Or, don't go. Ask your DD if you can visit on another Sunday, without them there.

I would probably choose the former. But I would also try to make ex and other woman as uncomfortable as possible. I am not advising you do this. Necessarily.

I suggest you make sure you get there first and are firmly entrenched when they arrive. Maybe take something to relax your mood (I take rescue remedy when I go to the dentist!) .

It does seem odd to take someone to a family event so soon, but most men seem to need a women around and there are plenty to choose from, whereas most women are quite content with their own company. How it goes will depend on the character of the woman, whether she tries one upmanship or understands the situation and will stay in the background and be very tactful.
I would not go overboard on your style, just look comfortable and casual, but classy and neat - choose your best colour, be yourself, and concentrate on making your daughter and others - even the 'other woman' feel at ease. Then go home and cry your eyes out!

Personally I think it's too soon for all of you. I would contact him and say this to him and ask him not to bring her, there will be plenty of other occasions .
If he insists on on bringing this woman I would go to support your daughter .
Are you sure he hasn't been seeing this lady for a while ?

You where together along time and it would be to soon for me, if your instinct is that you are not ready then you are not. You should be kind to yourself and put your feelings first. You have nothing to prove to anyone and no matter how good you feel about the way you look it will not make a difference unless you want to make him jealous, which from your post don't think you do.
My Ex and I where together for 21yrs and it took me a while to find my identity and until then, I was not confident enough to put myself through spending time with him. I think you should be honest with your daughter as your family can be a support. As for your Ex he sounds incredibly insensitive, it must also be difficult to for your Daughter as no matter how old we are parental separation is difficult to cope with.
Good luck for the future and take time to learn who you are again, and remember you come first and don't have to prove anything to anyone.