Son in law treats granddaughter that is not his different than the ones that are his

I am in a similar position. I have DGC who say they want to stay with me because of their treatment at home. I have tried to speak to their mum but I get threats too. The DGC are shouted at nearly all day and I do too if I step out of line in the eyes of the parents. It may be that the parents of today are so stressed with acquiring things that we took years to get when we were young parents. It is all so stressed and the shouting and threatening is not good for the young children or the old grandparent. It cant even be good for the parents as I am sure they must have terrible blood pressure.
Dealing with life in a more relaxed way and consider the children would be better for everyone.

My second husband lived with my children and I for years until they left home to go to university, work and homes of their own. He would NEVER have raised his voice let alone a belt (dreadful) to them. Nor was he ever anything other than a caring, steadying presence in their lives, ok he could be grumpy on occasion but never directed at them. You must seek professional advice on how to proceed with this,

I haven't read the whole thread but a couple of things do strike me. Firstly, people rarely challenge a biological parent's love but often look more closely at a step-parent's. Before you make any move at all, search your conscience and ask yourself if perhaps you are looking for differences. I am not saying you are but it does happen.
Secondly, make sure your DG is not making that eternal triangle that which kids are so good at which plays your SIL off against you. Once again, I'm not saying she is, but sometimes our protective instincts are easily used against us.
Thirdly, if you are sure you are right, ask your daughter how she would like you to handle this based on the message that you love her, you love your GCs but are genuinely concerned. Ask her if she would like you to challenge your SIL's behaviour or make a record. Ask her if she is scared of him or if she has trouble making herself heard. Maybe suggest that family therapy might help because your GC is very troubled and everybody would have a chance to express their worries.
I used to worry my husband was harder on my DS, my son even used to complain about it when he was young but surprised me when he was 17 by asking his step-Dad to adopt him and now they have a closer relationship than he has with his own children.

Time will heal all wounds. Take a look at this doc tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2014/01/husband-bad-stepfather

I really feel for you it's heart breaking to see your grandchild being so badly treated but it won't go away and from my own experience the situation and his behaviour towards her will become worse especially when she reaches her teenage years speak to your daughter in a non judgmental way you might find she has already noticed his behaviour and doesn't know how to deal with it or who to talk to about it at the end of the day it's a child's happiness at stake.

Actually, it is a lot easier to adopt when you marry the child's mother. I know from personal experience it is not much more than a formality.so I wouldn't put much faith in that.
It's a very difficult situation and could lead to lots of complications as already pointed out. All mothers are not the same and some would rather keep their man than their child, as I have seen for myself. Really is down to the child's mother and Grandma both seeing things as they really are. there again very difficult

If your DD and SIL took against you then your DGD would not be able to come to you for love and support so tread warily. Of course if there was evidence of actual physical harm you would have to step in.

Your DGD is only six so probably not likely to be making things up however I agree that her teacher might help. Maybe she would've the confidence to speak to her teacher about things. What about the other little one? Are they affected by this too?

I think Wondergran makes a good point. If this man is a bully and manipulating your daughter then she may well side with him in a confrontation and deny you access to your granddaughter. I would also caution discussing the matter too deeply with your granddaughter as, at 6, children themselves can be great manipulators. You don't say how many other grandchildren are involved and how you get on with them. He may feel you are siding with her against him and he needs to establish boundaries. On the other hand she may be in real need of help. The posters on here have given very sound advice, some from their own experience, of how to proceed and I think you should read these carefully and follow the many excellent suggestions. I do so hope there is a good outcome to your situation.

Tread with care. If your daughter sides with her husband then she may choose to cut you out of their lives. Keep a list of evidence by all means and phone Childline for advice but go too far and it could backfire.......I speak from bitter, painful experience. Keep on loving and supporting your DGD but try not to get too emotionally involved.....easier said than done, I know.

Hi, I've been in a similar situation, and you have my unreserved sympathy.

I'm with David1968 - if your concerns are such that you are willing to seek advice from a bunch of strangers on an internet forum then you need to talk to an agency that is experienced and trained to offer guidance and support. After months of agonising over my concerns, including a whole lot of soul-searching about my motivation and level of involvement with my GD, I spoke to the NSPCC helpline and it was very useful to talk it through and consider appropriate next steps, in complete confidence.

OP how and how hard does he push her?

I have been in exactly the same situation with my daughter. She was a single parent with 3 children when she remarried, the children were DGD10, DGS9 and DGD 1. The 10 year old would often come crying to me about things her Stepfather had done, it was very difficult because like you I was very close to her and I didn't know how much was her coming to me because I was ready to listen. One night my DGD came to our house crying, she explained that her Mam had said she could go to the chip shop but stepfather had said if she went he was locking the door and not letting her back in. She went out and heard the door lock behind her and she was too scared to go back home. My DH went to see our daughter and she came to ours with our DGS. Our daughter said he was drunk and she would have to phone the Police, the Police removed him from the house and Dr and Dgc went home. The next morning we went to collect the children for a day out and he was back. Over the years there was more abuse that I did not now about and eventually he was told he had to leave or the children would be removed. Even then my Dd did not stop seeing him and in the end Social Services put our DGc in temporary foster care, after about 3 months they returned to my Dd and 3 months later Social Services decided the stepfather could return. My oldest Dgd is now 18 and has just got her first house, she is not happy living at home and has said she doesn't trust him, her brother is 17 and as said he is moving out as soon as possible. Both of them feel very let down by my daughter and feel that he is put first. You do need to keep an eye on the situation but also be aware that your DGD may be coming to you for sympathy and the situation is not as bad as she is saying. I still have a relationship of sorts with my DD but only see her husband occasionally.

I am glad that you posted that ga because a bit of me was feeling the same. The fact that this little girl is "your world" is perhaps not the healthiest of relationships - we all adore our GC, but they (or even just one of them) is not our world.

Don't misunderstand me - if there is abuse going on then it needs dealing with. No question. But is it possible that your strong sense of ownership of this lass is colouring your views? - that in fact your DD is on the case and is ensuring her well-being? You "listen and care" - does your DD not do that? It is after all her child.

It is a tricky one I know., but triggering an investigation into the situation (as you MUST do if there is serious abuse) will cause an explosion in the family that it will be hard to extricate yourselves from and could result in a firt in the family. This should not deter you if you are seriously concerned.

Apologies for appearing alarmist, but remember last year, a young girl, I think her name was Amber, hanged herself because of her bullying step father.

Sorry that should read advocate

I agree absolutely in your assessment of this situation I would say daughter is being bullied too but is in a very difficult situation . David is right seek help and advice for this one . Grand mothers in my opinion after years in child protection are the very best policewomen in their families . Are usually very honest about situations and don't cause a fuss unnecessarily . I really feel for you . You are your granddaughters adversary . I wish you well

Okay, I'm going to put another point of view.

Firstly, do you honestly believe that you care more for your granddaughter than her own mother does? Do you honestly believe that if things are as bad as you think they are that your daughter would put up with the situation?

Could it possibly be that your granddaughter, knowing that she has you on board, is manipulating the situation to her advantage? That in some ways you also treat this granddaughter differently from her siblings?

It may be that your son in law does treat your granddaughter differently, but the adoption process (as anyone who has been through it will tell you) is very thorough and requires a great deal of commitment from the adopters - and yet your son in law presumably put himself through this in order to become your granddaughter's dad. Are there things you can do to support your daughter and son in law to build closer relationships with this child?

From your post it's obvious that this child feels like one of your own and I get that - I truly do. My daughter was widowed when her son was a few weeks old and I co-parented my grandson whom I treated as my own. When my daughter married again it took my son in law quite some time to understand the vagaries of dealing with a small child - there were times when his expectations were unrealistic and he had no knowledge of child development, so thought some things were 'naughty' when they were not. But in time, and with encouragement and support, the bond they have is no different from that of his biological son. Trust your daughter to do what's best for her own child and only if you believe the answers to my first two questions are yes should you think of interfering in any way.

Dear Frustratedgrandma, please, please contact an appropriate support network to get you advice/help with supporting your DGD. The NSPCC have a helpline (it's freephone). See: www.nspcc.org.uk/what-you-can-do/report-abuse/
and there's information on their website. I hope that things can improve for you both, very soon.

Just to add to the above, I remember a friend in a similar situation. She confronted the husband and the daughter defended him. They then moved so far away that the mother didn't get to see her GD.
That's why I'm suggesting going through the teacher and the school. Let them raise the matter. I do feel for you, it's a tricky situation to be in. x

This is a really difficult situation with potentially life altering consequences which you might need to consider. You need to monitor the situation a bit more closely before you do anything because you say you're not sure how often it's happening. You also admit that your GD is playing up to you because you give her attention and affection.
You do have to be very careful. If you alert the authorities, you'll end up with social services getting involved. Once they start investigating, things could end up far from where they are now.
But neither can you ignore it so you have to do something.
If it was me, I'd watch the situation very closely for the next few weeks. I'd keep a written and dated record of any times where you are concerned or suspicious. I'd also log what your GD is telling you and your daughters responses.
If you are still concerned, I'd speak to your GD's teacher to see if there is anything that the school are concerned about. If there is, then you will need to step in. Left to continue it's emotional cruelty that can do untold harm

Before you go to the next step, I'd ask the teacher to talk to your daughter and make her aware of the schools concerns. If she doesn't listen, then let the school take action. This way, it preserves your family relationship hopefully.

I had two young boys when I remarried a man 20 years my senior. After only a week of living with him, my boys were being a bit noisy at around 8am on a Sunday morning. He flew out of bed shouting, picked up his belt, rushing and shouting into their room, demanding silence. When he returned I said in anger, 'If you ever lay a finger on my children I will kill you' I should have left him that day, but stuck it out for ten years, (silly me), but he never did anything like that again ...

Poor little girl, how sad.
I wonder if he's bullying your dd too? Certainly if your dd won't challenge him then I would be asking him what on earth does he think he's doing, I wouldn't be able to stay quiet.
It's child abuse, emotional and physical.

Awful for you op.

Would you consider challenging him yourself? For example, could you say to him, mildly ,"X, anyone would think you don't like little x, the way you treat her!"

Have you spoken to him about this? Personally if I thought my GC was being unfairly treated by someone I would tell them. Bullies thrive because people give in to them. If you confront him, tell him you are monitoring his behaviour and will report him if you ever see any evidence of physical abuse he may well improve.You could also suggest that your daughter books them into some sort of parenting class, it may be that he is just unable to work out how to be a parent.