DIL here - advice wanted from MILs, please!

'I stressed that I don't want to cause any issues.'

But she doesn't.
You're not causing the issues, she is.
You're just not willing to put up with it..

I didn't realise what was happening until DDs friend who told me the first and only time she met DD's FIL he told her in confidence that he can't stand to look at my DD. I must say my chin nearly hit the ground. My DD is a very successful woman who has a great career, two gorgeous DDs, a very loving DH who actually told me his marriage is the most important thing to hiim. DD considers herself very fortunate. Some people are just odd.

I will add I am also very fortunate to have a wonderful DIL. I have always treated her the same as my DDs, i think that has help us have a great relationship.

I just don't understand it Faye - why don't people just behave reasonably? It's got to be better for everyone!

I'm going to be SUCH a good MIL when I'm older off the back of this - I've a DD and a DS, so I'll hopefully see it from both sides of the coin!

I am sure many Gransnetters would love to have you as their DIL too DarrellR. Sadly there are many toxic people who enjoy making life difficult for their inlaws. My DD's FIL did not speak to her for twenty years until my SIL told him to stop it. Twenty years of this odious man's silent treatment. I don't know how she has done it, always the one offering him and his wife a place to stay when they visit. His own DD books them a hotel to stay in because she doen't want her parents staying in her house.

I've been given so much advice here; I'm very grateful. Thank you.

I absolutely don't want to go NC, cause issues between my DH and his Mum or restrict access to her GC - hence my posting here and not Mumsnet, as someone correctly suggested!

I had a chat with DH last night about what happened, and he's going to keep an eye out for anything similar. I stressed that I don't want to cause any issues, but that I would be doing our DD a disservice by not mentioning what happened.

He looked sad, and said that he can't do much about it now - a sentiment I agree with.

I think, having read all your advice, I just need to stay calm above all else, don't sweat the small stuff, but gently call her out on any unacceptable/damaging comments or behaviour. I need to put on my big girl pants, clearly!

I think the poster who said that she's never been called out for poor behaviour before is right - I've witnessed some pretty nasty comments in the past that have been brushed off as "you know what she's like" etc. I think pre-children it would be more like water off a duck's back, but I owe it to my children to stand up for them.

Now, why can't one of you lot be my MIL instead?

Been where you are and the overwhelming anxiety as well as guilt.
This is just going to be 1 thing added to a long list. Your child is so young so won't remember what happened, but you will. Also what happens if she continues this behaviour as your DC gets older?

Imo, I wouldn't let my child near her without me, your DH knows what she's like and yet let this happen and hasn't said anything to her about it. It's no OK behaviour and it's not normal.

Limit contact, don't bend over backwards for her, get a backbone and speak up for yourself.
You're the parent and if you don't stand up for your DC then who will.
She's acting and saying what she likes because no one stand up to her, she's getting away with it and won't stop.

My mothers law is now 94 and living 'independently' with all of my help my three sons think I'm a saint looking after her and two don't even visit her now after all the nasty comments they heard over the years. But she needs me and stupid as I am I feel my husband being an only one I have to help her she is still a lot open mouthed but my husband puts her in her place and she soon realises where her bread is buttered! Saying that she could be a nasty piece if work in her fighting years!!

Very difficult situation. As other have advised, it's probably best if your DH takes the DGC to visit his mum while you stay home and enjoy the peace.

Please bear in mind that your DH is 'between the devil and the deep blue sea.'
Irrespective of her shortcomings, she is his mum, he obviously knows what's she's like - and nevertheless probably loves her.

The MIL/DIL is the most difficult inlaw relationship. I'm hazarding a guess here but I'm willing to bet that if you had posted on Mumsnet, you would have been encouraged to go NC and probably to keep the DGC away from her. Please don't. You can still see her from time to time - it doesn't have to be every time DH visits with the little ones.
Keep in touch with birthday/xmas cards etc.

I remember my MIL did things I didn't like, such as giving out sweets and treats when I specifically asked her not to. She would also criticise me for not cooking the traditional roast beef dinner on Sunday's - oh, and a whole host of other 'digs' but I always managed to put her right and, for the most part, she didn't pursue things. We weathered the storm and here we are now 45 years down the line ((she's now 100!) and we love each other to bits.

It's odd that she called you a 'bitch' to your face. That's usually something people say behind the 'offending' persons back - not to their face! What did your DH say?!
So obviously an underlying issue here, so just keep your head below the parapet and stay out of the way for a while. Good luck!

A "spoon" - that's impressive! Very restrained!
Do you ever use Bach flower remedies? Mimilus is for apprehension of a known event, so it's really useful to prevent those knots in your stomach. They come in little bottles (about a fiver) and you just drop a few drops on your tongue.
If you're into metaphysics you could try visualising a Teflon shield round you - it's Teflon so that all negativity just bounces off and goes back to where it came from. It sounds daft, but I've known it work for several people.
GOOD LUCK.
x

My reaction to her passing the treat to another child would be to say 'What a hurtful way to behave - do you not want her to like you?' Remain calm at all times and reasonable in your attitude, but express your concerns about behaviour that will make her grandchildren not like her. I had the MIL from hell - I kid you not - and confronted her one day with just a fraction of the nasty, spiteful, aggressive and life spoiling stunts she had pulled (I could write a book) but she denied everything and said she had never said or done any of those things. That was more frustrating than silently seething, so I took another approach, and calmly questioned her every single time with 'Why have you said that? Have I misunderstood what you meant as you must see that was unkind'. Delivered in a calm voice, it absolutely threw her - I don't think she had ever been stood up to in such a way before. Not nice - you hope to be loving with in laws, but as others have said here, you have to realise at times that you will never get anywhere, they just dislike you because you are there, you will never remove the brick wall so just stop banging your head against it. Chin up - you are far from alone it would seem!

I empathise with you DarrellR as I have a very manipulative and trouble-making FIL. He stuffed my children with sweets behind my back when they were very small, knowing full well that I would disapprove. 25 years on and he is trying to bribe them to move in with him because he is lonely, saying that he will leave his house to which ever one moves in with him first.

These people will never change and if you lay down ground rules they will delight in breaking them all behind your back. She would treat any DIL the same as they have taken her son away!

I don't see the point of having a stand-up row with her as it won't change anything and she'll just go all pathetic to your OH like last time.

I agree with moonbeames. Keep your distance and make sure your husband or other witnesses are with you when you are around her.

It may not be much comfort now, but when your children are older, they'll see for themselves how she behaves and they'll work out what sort of person she is.

my OH never stood up for me when MIL kicked off. She usually reserved the worst remarks for when there were no witnesses. We used to get on so well before she was widowed so I know it was a sort of jealousy. Very sad. I just used to bite my tongue, but my SIL told her if she tried it on with her, MIL was being driven home that same day - and she did! No more problems. I have just been told off (quite rightly) for offering DGD croissants on my way home from the baker (we live in the same village) which meant DGD would not eat her breakfast. Now I always ask before offering any food between meals. I do think mothers of sons are far harder to deal with.

Oh dear the ongoing issue of MILs and DILs. As a MIL who has been a DIL I hope I can help to make your life easier when dealing with your MIL

Is it really a major problem if your little one us given a treat at the wrong time. Especially since she rarely sees your MIL. Perhaps your MIL feels somewhat neglected. Perhaps she's just a difficult older lady

I very much doubt she would have wanted her children to live with her ad infinitum!

Easiest way is to ease up on the rules on the rare occasions that she visits. Easiest on yourself and also easiest on your husband

From my own experience it seems to be the case that MILs are far more popular with their SILs.

The best piece if advice I was ever given was that you only get one one mother ..... But could have many wives/husbands. So to cause friction between parent & child is futile.

Also if that was her only mistake on that rate visit ..... Well maybe it could have been overlooked. It doesn't matter whether you like her or not, and vice versa. One if you needs to stop seething and see the situation from another perspective

Hurrah for MILs. They have a wealth of knowledge and experience. Try asking their advice ....

I agree with all of the above comments. This woman is just plain jealous of you with her son. She is a nasty woman who will lose out in the end. As the others have said, you hold all the cards, you have your son and her grandchildren. She is a very silly person. Keep your distance, make sure your husband is with you when you are around her. Make your visits brief and above all present a united front. Together. Really he should stand up to her and tell her not to be so nasty to the woman he loves, but, knowing men they sometimes just cant do that. Its a shame he doesn't as it could fix things for you.
Steer clear of her. I had a nasty awful mother in law as well and my first husband could not stand up to her. Her husband could not stand up to her either. It was just awful for me as a young mother of 26yrs with a new baby.
Thankfully, like you we were some hours away. So visits were not frequent. Take care, it is very hard but remember you hold all the cards. Do not react as this is what she wants. Just smile and walk away. Then, when you get home ring up your friends and vent, they will help you.
Just one more thing, remember all this when you are a mother in law which you will be. I am nothing like my first mother in law, I make sure I encourage my daughter in law and give her compliments now and then. Take care, hard road.

Do you think you could go and have a coffee with her on your own without the child there ? Tell her in advance that you want to talk to her about something important so she knows it's not a social visit. Tell her you want a grown up discussion because some things need to change. Explain you think grandparents are very important for children, but you need her to accept and understand the ground rules. Do it in a very friendly but firm way. She may not realise how much her behaviour is affecting you and how unacceptable it is. To be honest I'm often shocked on here by some grandparents who do seem to think they are in charge of their grandchildren, so she isn't alone. Parents set the rules, grandparents must respect this. If she still steps out of line after that, you would be justified in delivering consequences. Be clear about this when you see her. Good luck.

my EX Irish Catholic MiL hated me from day one as I had previously been married and had a child, she used to call me 'used goods' to my face, when me and her son had a baby (out of wedlock) she said it was an illegal baby, she meant illegitimate, shows how illiterate she was, and when my 1st daughter called her son dad, she nastily shouted he is not your real father to my 2 year old! Luckily my partner stood up to his mum saying he will treat both girls the same, he is their dad, and if she doesnt want to see her illegitaimate grand daughter we will leave, and we did not see her again for 2 years. It is up to your partner to stand up to his mum, he has his own family now and needs to protect them from her toxic behaviour.

I feel your pain too, my darling D is in a similar relationship with her MIL. It's me who has had to stand back and bite my tongue at her attitude to my DD. Fortunately they to live some distance away and after the last upset when they were in my DD's house and she had the gall to yet again criticise my DD's parenting. I am proud to say the worm finally turned (my DD) and gave her MIL a few home truths. She like you try to keep the peace for years for the sake of her husband, but sadly he never backed her up against the harridan. Thinks are still iffy, but she realises my DD was finally pushed to far. Stand your ground they are your children and you dictate when and how they get treats.

My sympathies are totally with you as I am in a similar position myself, and have been for some time.It is easy for others not emotionally involved to say ,
'walk way ', but it is not easy. in my case it is my only son ; my only family; heart-breaking in fact.

Go for the spoon in the eye!!
Seriously this is a difficult one. How well do you get on with SIL? Does she understand that her husband is also being badly treated? I'd try & get all 4 of you together if so & work out a strategy.
Mothers & sons are a very difficult relationship & you may have more luck talking it over with his sister first.If all 4 of you can get together & make sure you stick up for each other- quite vocally in front of her & taking no nonsense then she may see she is out-numbered & stop behaving like a prize bitch.
She must be a very unhappy woman & I pity her husband although he should be taking her to task or she will lose the lot of you.
Failing that I'd speak to your husband & tell him you are not prepared to be treated like this & have your children used as pawns & that if she cannot behave normally then he must tell her that she will see very little of her GC & stick to it.
You have my sincere sympathies- I love my DiLs & my own MiL was a treasure too. My own Mum was a bit of a trial but we got over that & she lived a very long way away!!

My initial thoughts are not printable. My secondary ones...what a cow! Third ones...is she worth doing time for? Fourth...obviously not. Stay in touch via skype, only when your husband is there, and if she plays nasty, use the off switch. I learned from my mother in law how not to be, but Skype didn't exist back then, more's the pity! I feel for you x

LullyDully is right in saying your MiL will never change, so don't waste any more time on her. I spent over 30 years hoping mine would be more affectionate and more supportive, only to be disappointed. You've seen her true colours and it will always be thus. You don't have to be rude or confrontational, but distance yourself as much as possible so it doesn't affect you.
Ironically my DH now has less time for his mother than I do, and with years of wisdom behind us we can see we were never going to get anywhere with her anyway.

Can tell you are a nice person Darrell by your choice of implement, a spoon! Something sharper? Seriously though, so many good comments above to make you feel supported. If she were just being bitchy to you, I imagine you would simply rise above it but your pain comes through that she's getting at you through your daughter. To do that to a 2 year old is just plain wicked. Especially as you are only trying to do what any good mother does, teach your child to eat her meals before treats. Good suggestion to make sure your OH is with you and your daughter so she can't do that again. And if she does do anything spiteful like that in the future you may have to ask you husband to go to visit her alone and why. I agree it's better to keep the peace, especially if she's just getting at you; but you must protect your daughter if she's being horrid to her. She will lose something very special if she continues to behave so nastily. Good luck.

She really is a bitch of the first order. My gut instinct would be to keep the children away from her, but I do understand it's difficult if your husband doesn't see the problem. I think as others have said you really do need to have a serious conversation with him and make him see what has been going on. No excuses. Visit her as infrequently as you can get away with and then make sure your OH (having got through to him hopefully!) stays by your side at all times, so she has no opportunity to be spiteful to your children - or you - without him witnessing it.
Good luck - I don't envy you

I would.advise making the break.now. I waited for many years and had many years of pain, hoping she may learn to love me. No such luck. Leopards do not. Change their spots.

Good grief,what a woman,you're just going to have to be polite and keep your distance,say as little as possible,or don't go there,certainly don't let her be with your daughter on her own.your the mummy you make the rules.Theres nothing I wouldn't do for my two,but I make sure I have mums permission.