DIL here - advice wanted from MILs, please!

Difficult one. I think maybe you are fortunate that she lives so far away. I presume your husband was not in the room at the time as she probably wouldn't have behaved like that.

I think it's probably best if your husband takes the children to see her when he wants to and you stay at home, put your feet up and eat chocolate!

What a nasty piece of work your MIL is, to be so spiteful to her own GC is just awful. I did wonder if the FIL might understand your concern and have a word but on second thoughts she will probably twist things and you will look like the 'bad' person again.
I would do as Liz46 says and avoid her whenever possible.
May I just say not all MIL's are spiteful nasty people I feel for your predicament.

Darrell, I think you are being saintly, in a circumstances where that is actually the best course of action.

Your MiL is trying to get you to lose your temper and say or do something that she can consider unforgiveable and use with her son to drive a wedge between you.

Does your MiL specifically dislike you or would she have disliked any woman who came into her DS's life and supplanted herself as (in her opinion) the most important woman in his life.

I am not sure that suggesting your DH visit with your children while you stay at home is a good idea. For your MiL it will be the first sign victory, that she is winning and a gap is opening upbetween you and your DH.

I think the best thing to do is limit visits as carefully as you can without upsetting your DH and then grit your teeth and count the hours, minutes, seconds of each visit until you can go home. Find something you can do once you get home to take out all the pent up anger and frustration. Throwing china at a wall, jumping up and down or having a long relaxing bath with perfumed bubble bath and your favourite music until you have unwound.

You won't change her, so try to change your reaction to her e.g. put it in perspective - your DD rarely sees your MIL so her little digs will gave little effect; stay calm inside as well as outside and don't rise to the bait, even in your thoughts about her; keep your distance both physically and mentally; don't try to get your DH on side unless your MIL does something dangerous/illegal! And don't sink to her level. It's okay to ask for advice in forums like this one, but some people get very vicious about the person pushing their buttons, which can lead to further nasty repercussions (although I sympathise with your final statement!)

Oh I feel your pain Darrell .

I've been married 40 years and still vividly remember how much my MiL hated me. I met her only son whilst we were both serving in the army abroad and she wrote him a vitriolic letter about me ( we'd never met) . If she could have had her hearts desire it would have been to have my husband and 2 daughters live with her, and for me to disappear off the face of the earth.

She too was sly only having her digs when my DH wasn't about and whenever I complained to him there was always an excuse or I'd taken it the wrong way.

My advice? The only way to do this is never complain to your DH about this. It's his Mum , he doesn't want to hear bad stuff about her. Keep your visits short and sweet and far between. If she wants to feed DD junk on the rare visit...I'd let her ( as long as it doesn't make your daughter I'll ...in which case I hope she vomits on your mil!!).

I'm sure you feed her healthy the rest of the time so these very rare occasions won't hurt. Out and out warfare with the woman will just make your DH choose sides and in some cases make you look petty. You need to be a stealth ninja, she'll make herself look bad without your help. These sorts of people always do.

Your best revenge ( oh yes I do believe in revenge live your life well out of her reach and make sure she knows what she's missing.

I think this experience will make you a better mil too, I know it did me.

Good luck!!

MIL find things difficult with GC of sons more than daughters usually. However, I think the treat thing was very mean and not the sort of thing you would expect.

How does /did your DH get on with his mum before? Was she nice to him or jealous of his girlfriends? I'm not on her side and I have 2 DILs myself but am fortunate to think they are the very best mums for my GC. However, when our GC were babies I may have done some things (like giving them treats) that they had rather I didn't. I hope I was never mean to them though. Perhaps you could ask your DH to make sure he stays by your side when visiting his mother and see if she is the same when he's there with you.

I go with everything everyone else has said. I thank heaven for my DiL, she has the patience of a saint to put up with DS!!! (love him to bits but he can try the patience of a saint at times )
Please don't sink to her (MiL) level and try to get one over on her, you never will. When you do visit try to let things pass, as long as she is not spiteful to the children, then I think you have a right to say something. How is she with the other DiL's?

I would not allow my DC to visit your MIL without being there, you wouldn't know what she would get up to.

Next time your MIL tries to give your toddler junk food, pick your child up and move away from her if you can and stand next to your husband. Surely you could warn him before a visit that you don't want DC to eats sweets before a meal. You do need to have a conversation with him about your MIL. If he ignores what is happening he is the problem for letting you put up with his mother's behaviour.

Your MIL sounds like a pain in the neck. I would have felt like grabbing the sweet and shoving it down her throat tbh.

How hard that is - I might be able to cope with a MIL who gave me grief, but to manipulate my child to get at me - boy would that pull my chain! I just would not be able to countenance that.

Could you have said: "That was a very cruel thing to do and wholly unnecessary"? What do you think would have happened? Does your OH know what happened? What did he have to say?

I think you need to have a word with your DH about this.
The past was aimed at you, and I can smile, nod and grit my teeth with the best of them, but, it wasn't aimed towards you was it? It was aimed at your child.
She was spiteful to your baby and made her cry and she laughed at your baby crying.

I would of flipped my lid.

Don't do anything, don't try, don't send cards, leave it to your DH. I would be pulling RIGHT back.

Take her off your Christmas card list. Don't waste time on her. Speak to your partner and tell him why. He will understand if he loves you. I am speaking from experience!!! She needs to accepts that you are equals. You are your child's parent, not her. She is more.interested in scoring points than being a good grandmother. Horrible.

Pure old fashioned jealousy.

There's actually a word for a woman like this, it's "bitch", although that's rather unfair to female canines.

Lay down your rules in advance. "No sweets, no treats except at the end of meals, no between meals snacks. Train your DCs that this is the way to behave. If she offers something smile sweetly and say "Oooh naughty granny she's trying to rot your teeth. No thank you granny" and take the treat off her.If she does something you don't like make it very clear to her that you are unhappy and she isn't going to get her way.You have tried to be friendly and reasonable but it hasn't worked, it's time to change tactics. Smile sweetly at her but make sure you don't offer a compromise- it's your way or no way. Don't lose your temper and say everything with a smile because DH will probably think you are actually being nice to her. I would actually go as far as threatening her with not seeing her GD. Do this when DH isn't around and claim you have been misunderstood if she tells him. You have her GC and her DS you are holding all the aces you just need to start playing them properly.

Thank you so much for all your comments.

To address some of the points made; I don't think anyone would have been good enough for DH really; she hates SIL for 'making' her daughter move half an hour away, and badmouths him at every opportunity. DH and I are childhood sweethearts, so I have nothing to compare the situation to, but I can't imagine her ever having welcomed any woman who she perceived as taking her place.

I'm not comfortable with DH taking the children to see her without me - she's demonstrated clearly that she is happy to upset my DD, so God only knows what she'd try if I wasn't there.

I don't really want to discuss it with DH - deep down he knows what his Mother is like, and we're both aware that at this point in her life she's unlikely to change. I think the best I can hope for is to stay on guard for the comments, remain calm and only see her infrequently if I can help it.

It makes me sad - I had such a lovely relationship with my GPs (inappropriate amounts of sweets included!) and I want that for my children. MIL just makes it less likely that that will happen for them, as neither DH or I are queuing up to go visit her and FIL.

Does your husband really not know what's going on? I mean,she must have always been a nasty thing.

He says she's manipulative, and a gossip, but she'll never change.

He was shocked to hear her speak awfully to me once, not long before we got married, (she didn't know he could hear her) but it's been a few years and I suspect that as he'd quite like an easy life, it's easier not to ask too many questions.

It's tough - I don't want any dramatic scenes or ultimatums; I just want her to behave like a reasonable, civil Granny and MIL. I'd like to see her without my stomach getting all knotted up and my anxiety levels rising as I'm waiting for what she's going to do or say next!

I think if you would quite like an easy life, just like your DH wants an easy life, then you, with your DC will need to go no contact. It's very unfair that you should be feeling anxious and on tenter hooks because of your DH's not wanting to stand up to his mother. He more than likely could put a stop to her very spiteful behaviour.

You do hold all the cards you know, it doesn't have to be forever, just until your MIL learns how she should treat you and your DC in the future.

Good grief,what a woman,you're just going to have to be polite and keep your distance,say as little as possible,or don't go there,certainly don't let her be with your daughter on her own.your the mummy you make the rules.Theres nothing I wouldn't do for my two,but I make sure I have mums permission.

I would.advise making the break.now. I waited for many years and had many years of pain, hoping she may learn to love me. No such luck. Leopards do not. Change their spots.

She really is a bitch of the first order. My gut instinct would be to keep the children away from her, but I do understand it's difficult if your husband doesn't see the problem. I think as others have said you really do need to have a serious conversation with him and make him see what has been going on. No excuses. Visit her as infrequently as you can get away with and then make sure your OH (having got through to him hopefully!) stays by your side at all times, so she has no opportunity to be spiteful to your children - or you - without him witnessing it.
Good luck - I don't envy you

Can tell you are a nice person Darrell by your choice of implement, a spoon! Something sharper? Seriously though, so many good comments above to make you feel supported. If she were just being bitchy to you, I imagine you would simply rise above it but your pain comes through that she's getting at you through your daughter. To do that to a 2 year old is just plain wicked. Especially as you are only trying to do what any good mother does, teach your child to eat her meals before treats. Good suggestion to make sure your OH is with you and your daughter so she can't do that again. And if she does do anything spiteful like that in the future you may have to ask you husband to go to visit her alone and why. I agree it's better to keep the peace, especially if she's just getting at you; but you must protect your daughter if she's being horrid to her. She will lose something very special if she continues to behave so nastily. Good luck.

LullyDully is right in saying your MiL will never change, so don't waste any more time on her. I spent over 30 years hoping mine would be more affectionate and more supportive, only to be disappointed. You've seen her true colours and it will always be thus. You don't have to be rude or confrontational, but distance yourself as much as possible so it doesn't affect you.
Ironically my DH now has less time for his mother than I do, and with years of wisdom behind us we can see we were never going to get anywhere with her anyway.

My initial thoughts are not printable. My secondary ones...what a cow! Third ones...is she worth doing time for? Fourth...obviously not. Stay in touch via skype, only when your husband is there, and if she plays nasty, use the off switch. I learned from my mother in law how not to be, but Skype didn't exist back then, more's the pity! I feel for you x