Grumpy husband - is it just old age?

So many of these posts are upsetting because they illustrate that what should be some of the best years of our lives as retired couples are not always fulfilled. It could be the case that the Gransnetters who have posted are representative of thousands of other couples. Perhaps we need some proper research into issues of this kind which occur in retirement. We don't feel that we want to complain because, comparatively, we are so lucky, but, nonetheless, we need to have a greater awareness how to overcome what might be common problems.

My DH, formerly the kindest most patient person in the universe, has definitely become more grumpy in the past few years- since he hit his 70th birthday, in fact. I think it is because he feels he is slowing down physically (as you do) and isn't dealing with it very well. Little things he would have taken in his stride now completely throw him off kilter. He no longer has a balanced opinion on anything at all, and when anyone mentions the referendum debate, I have to leave the room! But we have been shackled to each other for 50 years next month, and I am pretty difficult to live with myself. The one who worries me is my son. He has always had a grumpy streak, and can be a bit mercurial, but is mostly good to be around. However, he told me recently that he has been on prescribed medication for mood swings for two years, which I was totally unaware of. There is apparently a possibility he might be suffering from depression. I'm stunned, quite frankly. I know he has had some emotional difficulties in his life, and I wonder whether he has just not dealt with them as well as we all thought he had.

Yes arrived back this morning wot all a bit jet lagged this evening lol

I recognised a lot of the traits mentioned and OMG it's me !

Must do better

Gosh nannyto5 that sounds just like mine. He curses other drivers on the road and I say "What is the point, he can't hear you but I can", then we will be in a traffic jam and he will make a comment about someone walking down the road and I have to say "The window is down, they can hear you!"

And every time someone even vaguely royal or religious comes on TV, he has to give me the benefit of his opinion on them.

However, he literally will do anything I want. He goes on holiday with me though he actually would rather stay home, he takes an interest in the garden though he has never been bothered before. I think a lot of that comes down to the fact that we both had unhappy marriages and were single for some time before we met, so we do tolerate a lot about each other.

Flowerofthewest my DD sent me a card with, "Sometimes I wakes up Grumpy and sometimes I let's him sleep" which was when I realised that our DC had noticed the 'terrible tendency'.

It is a fact that we can all be hard to live with but on the whole I think it would be much harder to live without them.

We have just brought a rhododendron plant home from our holiday and it was one I just had to have as the label said it was called "Grumpy"! DD laughed and said I now had one indoors and one outdoors.

My DH is also charm personified with other people -our hygienist and optician think he's lovely !Which he is really .I do challenge him when he is directly unpleasant and point out his tone of voice or whatever and he is apologetic.I'm not prepared to put up with it and have made it clear . I think a lot of it is to do with feeling your 'useful'life is ending and you have lost much of your physical strength and fitness .It hasn't helped that my younger brother died recently aged 61 and it has underlined to us both that tempus fugit and all that .But while I am determined to make the most of what time we have left DH seems resigned...and angry about it
A friends husband is so bad she has given the tenant of her buy to let flat notice and rscaoes there quite ofyenfor a few days away.Bit drastic and not everyone can afford ut .There used to be quite a few well known couples who lived apart ...
DH definitely nicer to me when I've been away for a few days Think he realises how much he'd hate life without me .Space is the answer.

So that's why the proverb "I married him for richer, for poorer, but not for lunch"!
I think your poor husband may be suffering from depression, hold. Many men just can't cope with no longer working, n longer being in charge, or having something to do...
Mine drove me mad when he first retired, until I got him an allotment, and some volunteering. We met for lunch, and went our own ways most of the day, meeting for dinner and spending the evening together. Since he had cancer, which is under control, DH now seems very clingy and I am reluctant to leave him for long [I used to go away to visit DS1 in Costa Rica or wherever on my own if he didn't want to come with me]but don't any more unless he pushes me to.
Make him take up some interest, whether volunteering, fishing or gardening. But I would have him checked for depression as well.

My late husband suffered with depression & tried several different medications + cognetive behavioral therapy - he never really gave anything time to "work" & would be impatient when he didn't quickly feel better. during his worst times he would not even leave the house, when he was well he was the life & soul of the party & a joy to live with. when my first grandchild was born my late husband wanted to be known as "Gramps" but my daughter soon changed that to "Grumpy". I miss him for the lovely times we had

Sometimes I wake up grumpy....Other times I let him lie in.... says it all really

I think an awful lot of men become grumpy from middle-age onwards. My DP is only 45 but is incredibly moody and grumpy at times. I used to ask him what was wrong, but he just kept saying'nothing's wrong,and become even grumpier. So now I just ignore him until he snaps out of it,which he usually does,thankfuly,after a few days hours.

My husband of 70 is very grumpy and getting grumpier by the day. He comments on the dreadful driving of every person on the road!! Our house is a mess....mostly because he can't bear or be bothered to throw anything away.
He isn't grumpy in front of other people, in fact he's always charm personified!
I love him and accept the way he is, and have realised that he won't change so I just make the best of things. We go out and enjoy lovely days. But I do get out on my own and have coffee etc with friends. I make no effort to change him, because it wouldn't work and our lives would become very miserable.

I am so dreading Friday, as mine is determined to become mr grumpy then as he crosses the big 6-0 barrier. I am feeding the grumpiness though by marking the occasion with a few little gifts and a meal out, when his wish is really to completely bury his head in the sand over the coming of age. I passed the barrier 3 years ago, so I can always escape with my bus pass.

Nanaandgrampy, your DH is obviously someone who takes in what you say to him and doesn't just ignore or deny your points. Are you back from holidays yet? ?

My DH was grumpy all his life. Every question would get a negative answer to start with even though we all knew he would do what was asked.

One day I'd just had enough and I sat him down and we had a chat...well I talked and he grudgingly listened.

I told him life was too short for all this negativity and all he was doing was making himself miserable and making life unpleasant for all those round him.

I said he had two choices , he could stop answering every question negatively because quite honestly we all knew he'd do as asked and he'd knew it so he was wasting his breath and our time. So he could do things with a good heart .

OR we could get divorced because there was no way on gods green earth that I was going to live with a grumpy old git, who took pleasure in upsetting me , our daughters or our families.

My husband knows me very well, I don't make empty threats.

We left it at that and from that moment on he tried to stop what had honestly just become a bad habit. It wasn't an overnight change but some 15 years later he couldn't be further from Grumpy. Everyone loves him , the grandkids adore him and we're coming up on our 40th wedding anniversary.

I don't mind the odd grumble but I just couldn't live with the soul destroying , incessant grouchiness .

Don't think mine's having an affair, though he is quite grumpy, opinionated, controlling etc. He reserves the grumpy for me, though he says this is my over-reaction! He has lots of good points too, of course, and I'm no angel, so it's o.k. on balance.

stansgran point your OH here: menssheds.org.uk/ this seems to be very popular and would get him out the house and get some woodwork done.

How familiar this all seems. I have recently retired due to ill health, but my hubby retired 10 years ago. Maybe I never noticed how grumpy my husband was, as I was so busy due to my demanding job. His nice little life of golf and lunches with friends, where they put the world to rights, has been disrupted by my frequent hospital visits. He doesn't complain about it, but is often grumpy and impatient and never remembers anything I tell him. Like other husbands here, he is so pleasant and sociable with everyone else. They tell me how lucky I am. Is it because they know us so well and don't have to put on "a face" for us. I have a fiery temper, but have learned best way is to ignore and walk away. That unnerves him. My friends' husbands are all grumpy too. It must be a man thing!

As a man in his mid 30's, and has already been mentioned several times here.

It could be a number of things, depression, illness, medication.

I take sulphasalazine and it affects my mood a lot, as does the constant pain I am in.

Have you tried talking to him about it? Asked him why he is this way? talking can help but you have to take emotion out of the equation.

Oh heavens! The sighing! Drives me mad.

My husband has just turned 58 & gets wound up & grumpy about the most insignificant things. I honestly believes he thinks it's funny & he's being amusing. He's not. I do sometimes have a go at him about his attitude - I know some of our friends avoid him & don't like being in his company because he's so miserable. And then I think "sod it! Why should I worry?' If he wants to be unsociable & grumpy, I'll just let him get on with it. My friends know the score

No one has mentioned the age gap between you. I find I have aged considerable as each decade passes and can not do the things at 70 I would have been able to do 17 years ago which is the age difference between you and your husband. At 53 I started a new job and retired at 63 but I have slowed down a lot during my 60's and recently given up a lot of voluntary activities (kept the ones I really enjoy).

Add to that as others have said, men get grumpy and the possibility of illness should be checked out. I think a good talk will help, especially about your not inviting people to the house because of his behaviour but you have to allow for his aging and he has to remember your youth and get a balance.

Good Luck.

Due to my brain tumour, I have testosterone medication, it does NOT make me any less grumpy, if it does, I must have been bloody awful.

He should see his GP. It might be low testosterone.

I think a pack of instant testosterone injections should be available to all married women with long term DH over 60+ . An extra hobby room is good if you can spare the space .I have a sewing room which is a lifesaver. He does come into it and grumble about the state of it and says he wishes he had somewhere to take up woodwork. I point to the garage. Golf and fishing are good as they are out for the day. I never go out on his days out just revel in the silence and peace. I tell him I love him frequently although it's often preceded by " It's a good job"