Is a 29 year age gap acceptable?

My daughter is 47 and her husband is 59, when I realised the age difference, (nobody actually told me) I was not happy but they have 3 beautiful children and are very happy. My son in law treats my daughter like a princess. I know not all such relationships work out but if it works for them that should be all that matters.

Meant carer than wife !

This is a hard one to comment on I've a friend who I is 64 and her husband is 81 the age gap wasn't as bad she said in the early days he was a professional man and good provider they had all the things materially but years on she is still a active woman and he is housebound she manages well but left him some years ago whilst meeting someone her own age she did come back and now feels like his caterer than his wife?

Pigglywiggly
Next time she mentions that he's 'immature', I'd be very tempted to tell her "you're right, so perhaps you'd be happier with someone closer to your own age"!
Seriously, I would question her motives, and I most certainly don't think this relationship is in any way healthy or helpful to your son.
I would be keeping a very close eye on her and how being with her is affecting your son......I know there's probably not much you can do to 'force the issue' but forewarned is forearmed!

I would be worried about why she is with a 21 year old with ASD but all you can do is be supportive and be there if things go wrong .

Age difference is really not an issue in my view. My first partner was 19 years my senior and we were ecstatically happy. Unfortunately he died very young (at 42) of an aneurism. I was 18 when we got together and 23 when he died. If it works, it works, whatever the age and regardless of who is older. It might be well worth pointing out that marriages made in heaven where everything seems perfect, right age, education, etc go south at the drop of the hat. If they are happy, good for them.

Dramatic you have hit the nail on the head. For a woman of 50 she seems quite immature.

Your first post warrants the 'leave him to it, just be there to pick up the pieces' response. However, if the couple have broken up several times, with her citing his immaturity it shows that the relationship is very unlikely to last much longer. Is she aware that he has Asperger's? Does she have any idea what effect the uncertainty of this up and down relationship might have on him? She is the 'adult' and needs to act like one. So, in answer to your question - a 29 year age gap might be acceptable if the relationship is healthy. But this one doesn't sound healthy at all. Having said that though, it might still be a case of 'leave him to it, just be there to pick up the pieces', dependent on how close you are to him and how readily he listens to your advice.

It's interesting most of the relationship age gap examples given here are younger woman and older man, which is more usual, and can be successful, but this is in reverse, and is more unusual. Sometimes young men are drawn to more experienced older women though it is often temporary , but without knowing the individuals concerned it is hard to make an accurate judgment. In answer to the question yes I would have concerns, the same as if it were my young daughter involved with a much older man but as been said, when our children are adults they live their own lives and make their own decisions. We just sit by and pick up the pieces.

My younger daughter's partner is 23 years older than her, and they have been together since she was 18. She is now 30. They have 2 lovely children (he has 2 adult children from his first marriage) and are very happy. The age gap has never been a problem, except for her worries about his health, as he has Type 1 diabetes, and her fears of being a widow when she is comparatively young. However, this is a risk you have to accept if you are in a relationship with someone quite a bit older than yourself.

As for the feelings of others...Is it really anyone else's business? Of course, as parents we have emotional opinions regarding everything that involves our kids, but we have no say over their relationships when they reach adulthood. Maybe we wouldn't have chosen an older man for our daughter, but it wasn't our choice, and DD's partner has good qualities which are far more important than his age. I know, from personal experience, that interfering in your children's relationship only leads to damaging your own relationship with them. My DH is Indian and I am English and his mum and dad did everything they could to prevent us marrying. They only succeeding in driving us closer together and his relationship with them, particularly his dad, suffered in the process.

Basically, like it or not, it is up to them to choose, not you. All you can do is be there for them if they need you.

It depends on the people involved....I am assuming that the 21 year old is the female.
51 year old males can be very interesting and charismatic,and maybe she finds him to be stimulating company.Is he the boss or the college lecturer maybe?
As a 33year old artist,I was drawn to a sculptor in his late 70,s,because I admired him as an all round person, work,intellect etc.
My mother knew of the family and I expected her to be surprised.
She wasn,t at all as she understood that the attraction I saw went far beyond age.
Of course 33 is not 21,but many 21 year olds are mature enough to make sound decisions.
A friend of mine lost her husband in his 80,s.They met when she was 19 and he was in his 40,s.There was never a noticeable age gap.
We have to accept other peoples choices.
Support them when they want our acceptance,and help them pick up the pieces if it fails.

My Dad was 15 years older than my Mum. They were a very very happy couple never argued. My Dad died at 84 my Mum is now 95 so has had a long time without him. My father was young at heart and was the one who was up dancing and was on holiday the summer before he died. He was 45 when I was born, I only wish I had him longer.

I think Mirryben31 made an important point - the age gap may cause problems when the younger partner 'grows up'. My daughter finally left her husband for a boy 16 years younger than her and is now pregnant with her first child. Yes I'm not happy about the age gap but I could have coped with that if it had not been for all the lies she told us,her ex-husband and her friends. I find that very hard as it was not how she was brought up. Our relationship with her is now fragile to non-existent but I hope things will improve once she has her baby. But I do worry how a 21 year old lad will cope with fatherhood. Once he grows up will he leave her and their child.

I was married to a man 28 years older than me. We got together when i was 17 and he was 46. Needless to say my parents were not pleased, especially as he was older than both of them. We married when i was 21 and had five children together. We were happy together until i reached my thirties and decided to go back into education ( i left school at 15) in order to become a teacher once my youngest was at school. My husband was not pleased as i began to mature and have ideas of my own. I suppose i was not the same person that he married. We had a very acrimonious divorce soon after. ( we did manage to get over this and have a friendship because of the children.)
I'd say the age gap did not matter in the beginning but caused problems as i grew up and he grew older.

My stepmother is 20 years younger than Dad, she is only 2 years older than me! They've been married for 25 years now and are the happiest, most devoted couple I know. Whatever makes my lovely Dad happy is fine with me>

I dated a man 19 years older than me when I was 21. He was a wonderful man, kind, generous and full of fun. I was the one who felt the gap was too big. He ended up marrying a woman of my age who looked just like me, and they are still happy. I married a man four years younger than me and it was a disaster.

You never know.

Probably not happy BUT my friend's daughter married a widower with two children, he was just 2 years younger than her father. She brought up those children and had two more of her own . He has retired now but she has pursued a late but rewarding career and they are very happy.

Riverdale that made me laugh

Whatever you do, don't let disapproval show or you will end up alienating your DS and making his partner more attractive. It may not be acceptable to you or others but he can't help his feelings for this woman. You might find that as the relationship becomes more public, the excitement of keeping a secret was a big part of the attraction and he will choose to leave all by himself without you saying a word. It wouldn't be out of order to ask him if he has thought about the implications of the age gap but phrase it so you are reiterating that as a parent, you don't condemn his choice, you just care that he is going to be happy. I suspect, unless he is very mature for his age, he has found some great sex with someone who is more experienced than girls of his age and is currently thinking with his "brain" but if it's more serious than that, you can only be there to pick up the pieces if it goes horribly wrong or enjoying his happiness if she turns out to be the love of his life.

There is a 17 year age gap between my husband and myself. He had 3 teenaged children and I know my mum wasn't happy but she never once mentioned it to me. Lots of people tried to talk me (and him) out of the relationship and I know the age gap worried him. 24 years and three children later he is, fortunately, still fit and well and works part time. I have CFS/fibromyalgia and an no longer working and am far less likely to want to socialise than he is so, you can never tell what the future holds. Luckily, if his children ever had a problem with me they've never mentioned it and I have a better relationship with his daughter and grandson than either he or her mother does.

That said, if my almost 21 year old was seeing a 50 year old woman I would have my concerns.

Juggernaut they have split up several times and one of criticisms of him is that he is immature.
Angela thank you for your comments. DS' was diagnosed with Aspergers when he was 12 and there are issues round that. He told DD before he told DH and me, and DD was worried that there might be safeguarding issues. However as he is 21 I know it is his choice.

Unhappy and a little shocked I think .

..... seize the day and be happy

That's all very well but I really don't think many of us would be happy if a 50-year woman seized our 21-year old son!

My daughter had a very unhappy marriage for some years. About five years after the divorce she met a kind, gentle and loving man, twenty six years older than her. She married him and they have been extremely happy. The usual problems that beset all couples occur, but they love each other and seem well matched. She said she would rather have twenty years with him than fifty with an immature mentally abusive monster like the first one. Quite simply, she loves him - and it's not hard to see why. so what do you do if you love someone? You can't switch off love - seize the day and be happy.

For any relationship to work, you must feel an affinity with the other.Whether we like it or not, we fit comfortably in the era to which we belong, as a general rule. We travel thro' different eras of our life. Growing up, forming a career path, falling in love, union, making a home and life style,rearing and educating our young, and onwards through life. So if the meeting of minds blends with your partner, the number of years makes little difference. Now in my late 70's, I have little in common with someone whi is 30 years younger. Generally. But if your love is true, just get on with it, and enjoy what you will.