unfaithful husband

I am not condoning what he is doing but I am curious as to what has made him want to do such a thing. Why did your love life die a "a few years ago".

Sorry to hear of your situation, 2J8DATLAS.

You need to think about what you want from your marriage. If you divorce there'd be some sort of financial settlement for you, but maybe you'd have a lot less money to live on. If you stay put, you may have to put up with his deceit and shenanigans for the rest of your life together.

I personally abhor deceit so I would bring it out into the open, but confronting him may risk him leaving you, which you may not want. He may also try to blame you for having strayed, which you may make you even more angry.

There is no "right" answer. Think carefully about whether you can tolerate this situation and ways to make it more "bearable" if you decide you want to keep the marriage in tact.

As others have said, also make plans for the risk that he will leave you one day and try to be more "independent" now - before that ever happens. Make a life for yourself that you enjoy.

You need to be prepared in case he decides to leave the marriage and be with the other woman. In most divorce situations the split of assets is 50%. Depending on your situation, this can mean you haven't got enough to live the way you are used to. I would advise seeking legal advice. You can usually have an initial consultation for free.

My husband had an affair 25 years ago and after much agonising I took him back. It's the biggest mistake I have ever made. We were happy for a while but although he has never strayed again, the closeness and friendship we had has never really returned in fact as he gets older I feel resentment towards him as he's a grumpy old man and I daydream about what life would be like had I struck out alone those years ago. So if it were me I would definitely let him know you know and find out why. The separate beds is probably not conducive to loving relationship, he obviously has a higher drive than you but it may be it is the closeness and warmth he misses more than the sex. I wish you luck in whatever you decide but I'm sure you will find you won't be able to tolerate the deceit indefinitely.

redliz, dismayed at your post. Sex in a marriage isn't a service...how do you know there's not medical etc problems in this area for the wife??

Make sure you "filter" money into your own account, a friend recently found out that her dying husband (terminal cancer) has been making gifts of thousands to his daughter from a previous marriage, she could well be left without a penny, so she has decided to move some money about, as he is dying she will not leave him, but is very hurt as you must be, myself I wouldn't be able to live in the same house as him

If this was an eighty year old woman who was cheating on her 74 year old husband, would all the responses be the same do you think? What is happening is of course wrong, but I just like to think alternatively at times.

This might sound a bit harsh, but i am hearing a lot about the practical things like money but you don't sound all that bothered. Of course it is probably that you are trying to stay calm, and if so I am sorry if I seem critical. BUT you don't share a bed and haven't done for some time - perhaps he just needs to find a sexual outlet somewhere, if he isn't getting one at home? And if he is a nice man, then it is perfectly possible that he might get fond of a lover, especially if that closeness and fondness is not a part of his marriage. Understand, i am not making a statement about the nature of your marriage, as i can only go by what you say, but i am not really hearing much emotion, and that leads me to question if perhaps that might give a clue as to his behaviour, particularly as you say he is still the same towards you. Good luck with things, whatever you decide to do, but my advice would be to be "better than that" and confront him rather than sneakily squirrelling money away (you are entitled to half by law anyway) and spitefully giving him garlic etc.

Bless your heart, am sure you are ding what's best for you both.

Apart from the other woman, do you have a good marriage? You say he's kind etc. Are you the same with him? I suppose I'm really asking are you still close emotionally? I know you don't have sex but do you still have cuddles etc. or is there nothing physical?

He obviously still has physical needs and surely it's more healthy for him to have a lady for that purpose. Is she a f*ck buddy? I had one before I met DH. We were affectionate but we both knew we would never go further than how we were. We met each others emotional and physical needs at the time. This might be how it is with your husband and his lady friend.

Just check the financial stuff. Make sure money isn't disappearing from saving accounts and suggest that you check that your wills are up to date. That way you can check that his still leaves everything to you . Who's name is the house in?

Put itching power in his pants .He will think the other woman has given him STI

Oh dear I am probably going to get shot down in flames for this but in my opinion it is asking for trouble if you are not sharing intimacy with your sexually active partners. What do you expect of them? Years of frustration or masturbation? I speak from personal experience of this, my ex husband was not interested in the physical side of our marriage after he turned 45, I stuck it for 10 years. My now husband's ex wife announced that their sex life was finished when he was 56, he stuck it for 8 years. Luckily we found each other 13 years ago and have had a full and active sex life ever since.

I think you should see a solicitor to see how you stand financially. Don't see why he should get away with this. If you get a divorce you would be able to enjoy the rest of your life.

Personally, I wouldn't dream of attempting to give advice in a case like this. There are far too many unknowns involved. Many of the "wise words" on here are based on massive, unsubstantiated assumptions which have been made on the basis of little or no knowledge of the circumstances. Irresponsible, and potentially damaging. The only "advice" I would offer is to ignore them and to seek a solution yourself, based on what you know to be fact.

Actually, I feel sorry for the poster's DH. We have been told that he is a kind, well liked man, but they dont share a bed. Sharing a bed isnt about sex it is about closeness, cosiness, chatting as you nod off and as you wake up. I am rather dismayed that all the poster can talk about is the financial implications of the affair that her DH may be having. Why not find out if he is, ask him for heaven's sake, and then sit down and find out why he found it necessary to have this affair. there is more to a relationship than sex and finances.

Many posters are almost condoning what he is doing because the OP doesn't share a bed with her husband. Is sex really the only thing that matters in a marriage? My DH and I had a full and satisfying sex life but when I was undergoing treatment for cancer and for months after I lost all interest in sex. I did become worried and asked him if it was making a difference between us - his reply was that it wouldn't matter if we never had sex again, he was just glad I was still alive and in his life. (fortunately my sex drive did return - with a vengence!!!)

As usual, I'm looking for facts and a balanced view.

www.gov.uk/divorce/grounds-for-divorce
www.justdivorce.co.uk/unreasonable-behaviour

Two interesting links about divorce. The first shows that, if you know who he's having the affair with, you have to start proceedings within six months of finding out. The second link (points l and m) show that the OP's husband has grounds for divorce too, since she won't sleep with him. Divorce is a very expensive process. Some say the only winners are the lawyers.

I, too, hate deceit. i would be unable yo live in a situation like yours. Of course we don't know the circumstances, but my gut reaction is to ask you if you want to salvage the marriage (which, as someone posted, involves a lot more than sex and money). If so, why not talk openly to him, bring it all into the open, and seek couple counselling...that is, if he too wants to salvage the mattiage?

Ha ! I sympathise ! been there, done that twice (though the second was a partner not a husband !) first one was a compulsive gambler, second one a womaniser ..... the key is preparation preparation, preparation ! Luckily I was working for a divorce lawyer at the time the first one left .... My first advice would be : don't rock the boat ....quietly prepare by saving as much as you can without arousing suspicion (if you have a joint account) ......looking round to see what options you have if you decide to end the marriage ..see a good divorce lawyer for first preparative steps to see your legal entitlement, i.e. as regards the house, his pension, any insurance policies or investments he has (If you can, if you don't know, find out as much as possible !) .....this will put your mind at rest that a move on is, if you decide on it, possible. If he if fit and healthy the prospect of any money from the sale of the house being required for care might not be an element (or someone may say it was intentional disposal !) Open a separate account at a different bank, or, if you cannot find a bank to open an account with, the Post Office is always an option ..and you can opt to have your pension/s paid into that account as well. If you have any other income of your own, i.e. annuity, investments, etc find out if they are safe from the declaration of assets as you will have a reduced standard of living if you leave.

Assess your situation. If you are quite happy for it to continue as it is, then I would sit tight, save, ask for advice and play the waiting game if you can bear it ! Meanwhile, try to find out where he is going - hire a private detective just for your own knowledge if you don't want to divorce ...at least you will know ! Once you have found out who the 'other woman' is it is for you to decide whether to try to get to know her ....or to let her know you know about liaisons with your husband ...or just keep the info and evidence for future reference .....

You can turn your life around .....my present husband is now 83 and I am 69 this year ...he now has vasculaire dementia, in the early stages, and is often very aggressive and difficult to live with. There have been terrible times when I have wanted to leave but would feel guilty ! I just used most of my secret savings to refurbish the house - new kitchen, central heating, etc so now have to start again .....which I already have ! Trouble is, how much time have I got ? who knows ! should I spend it feeling that I would rather not be here with him, or feel guilty and go ? ...decisions !

Twenty two years ago I decided I had had enough of a serial b*****d. He used to go out dancing and God knows what else on a Tuesday evening. I gave him a big surprise on one Tuesday, I left him! He didn't suspect that for weeks before I was getting another place ready for me to live and had moved quite a lot of my things into it. I then hired a removal van and with the help of a friend took what I wanted and that was that.I would have loved to see the shock on his smug face when he got home that Tuesday. Life has been brilliant since then and I have remarried a respectful, gentle person. Don't lose your self respect. You deserve better.

If you subtly want him to know you know - just pack up his stuff and deliver it to her house in the night with a note saying "here's your kit, dont come back" The onus will then be on him - you can just sit tight. He will then know that he is vulnerable to possible legal action and may decide to give her up. I say this because if it carries on, longterm it's going to eat you up and damage your health. You cant just pretend to ignore it - that is too much of a cop out.
Betrayal is a terrible thing to live with - I know believe me. When I saw the light, I started saving and checking out my financial security, but nothing compensates for the pain.
Dirty old grandads - who needs em.

So sorry to hear of your situation.Keep your chin up and your wallet full!!!!!.

Just a different perspective .. It seems you have a pretty good relationship apart from his playing away . If you don`t want a physical relationship and he has found an `outlet` then why rock the boat . You have financial security, you say he is kind and treats you well , it sounds like a good trade off to me. I would do nothing to let him know you know , do what others have said and squirrel a bit of money away just in case . If you want a bit more emotional closeness he may be open to that , but I would just get on with your life and enjoy what you have .

So sorry to hear what you are going through.

The anger will get better though.

I feel it would be better to tell him you are aware and try to talk about what's going on.

If sexually you do not mind then maybe you can come to some agreement about what sexual fidelity means to you.

If this affair is just about the physical and your husband has no real affection for this lady and you don't mind once its out in the open maybe your marriage could work for you both.

He obviously needs you emotionally and if sex is no longer on your agenda it does not mean its not on his.

Some years ago I did a large research project into sexuality and the elderly....their are people whose lives are highly enhanced and more healthy from continuing into sexual relationships into their 90's !

It is a natural part of being human and a need that differs from person to person.

I feel the break in trust that you are experiencing and the betrayal is very painful. You do have a choice...you can stay or divorce.

Some Men can sometimes need sex to feel loved by the women they are with, where as women need to feel loved and cherished in order to feel like having sex. Maybe you could think and discuss about these issues before you make any final decision.

Couple counseling may be a good start to recover your selves from this betrayal and you may feel stronger and happier as a couple again from using couples counseling.

I'm so sorry you are going through this- but I do agree with others that if you have 'withdrawn' sexual contact with your DH- then what is he supposed to do? Would you prefer if he paid for it? Have you discussed his feelings about the matter and what you would agree as acceptable. If he still has sexual desire (and at 80 I can't help but think 'bravo') it's unfair to just expect him to live with the frustration. Maybe for him the lack of physical contact makes hime feel unloved?

I know many say stay with him as he gives you a nice home and financial security, but personally I couldn't.