unfaithful husband

This BB, exactly.

If OP had said I love this man so much I feel betrayed by him and can't bear to lose him to another woman I would have totally empathised with her but she didn't she only spoke of not wanting to lose her dependence on him or lose her 'means' You can't build a marriage on your needs only, even as an older couple surely it has to be a two way process he has given her a home and keeps her, she says he is kind caring and cheerful she didn't want a sexual relationship so he's obviously honoured that and doesn't nag her for sex she sounds as if she has everything she wants ...... But maybe he wants some closeness some warmth and yay some sex in return I guess we ll never know as we won't hear his side of the story

I didn't get any sort of impression that there was much love involved in this relationship. The only emotion mentioned is anger. Of course there are alternatives for older women and many women rebuild a life after the death of a spouse, which results in much the same situation for the woman.

I'm not suggesting that OP is vulnerable or Victorian, merely that many women of her age prefer living with a partner - as many of us would - it is how she expected to live when she married for the second time. The thought of separating from this kind and caring man would be daunting. I thought that the earlier aggressive post took no account of the realities of the alternatives for an older woman, and the suggestion that she could just launch out again was unrealistic. (And she clearly doesn't want to leave him). I absolutely agree with you about the "love, attention and caresses"!

The OP said that the sexual part didn't bother her but she was upset by the deceit.
If that's true maybe she should just have a talk with her husband, explain that she now knows what's going on, was upset about his deceit, and is happy for everything to continue as long as he is honest about it.

CC whilst I agree that Trisher s post is very harsh and unkindly put I do not see the original poster as a vulnerable woman She has by her own statement a husband who is kind and caring to her, whose personality towards her hasn't changed , she has a home, she sounds as if she has an inheritance and all this came about when she was 60 a time in life many of us are alone without any of those securities, she obviously doesn't want a sexual relationship and it seems as if her husband is even putting up with that and not bothering her on that score ..... But maybe he does want some love attention and caresses before he dies ( he is older ) I think the score is all on her side but the man is maligned even by a lot of posters who seem to deem the man as an awful cheater without knowing both sides
Please don't suggest all women in their 70 s without a man are vulnerable and come from a different era we have adjusted to the modern world and all know the score we are not trembling Victorians fainting if a man sees our ankles we look after ourselves cut hedges, change electricty plugs, pull down sheds paint fences a lot of us still work for our inheritance we use the same technology as our grandkids and are very much women of the modern world. The original poster sounds as if she has everything how she wants it bar control of her husbands sexual needs which she sounds as if she can't or doesn't want to be part of but she is shocked he still does have those needs . I think we should feel sorry for him, his only mistake it not talking it through and being upfront and honest but we can all see that wouldn't have worked

Condolences wot

Hunt out his viagra supply and flush it down the loo....hahaha. Seriously though. Do set up your own bank account and have your pension at least put into it plus anything else you can channel from joint account. You are a brave lady and I feel strong. Hang on in there x

Such a nice person; she will be sorely missed by her husband, children, friends, elderly parents and many more. I feel their pain.

Sorry to hear that wot - it is dreadful when someone loses their life when they have more life to live.

God, that's awful.

Lost a good niece too young.

(that was to wot)

Right. Tell us more.

Thank you. I shouldn't take it out on others.

Sorry to hear that wot

No, sorry. . I've just had bad news.

How do you know wot? We know nothing about him and how this has come about, do we?

Dirty sod

Ladies, I cannot thank you enough for all your comments, advice and very occasionally harsh words. You have no idea how much you have helped me. It would take far too long to tell you the why's and wherefore's, how I found out, etc. etc. of this sorry story. And really there's no need for me to tell you because we would go on and on and on talking about it. It's been enough for me now, I am going to get on with my life, live it to the full and enjoy every minutes of it (as much as I can). Next time I have a glass of wine, I'll toast you all for being there and supporting me. Cheers

I wonder of the OP would feel better or worse if he visited prostitutes and paid for his fun?

At least a prostitute does not want him - only his money.
The 'contract' entered into by a prostitute and her client is clear.

This, on the other hand is not as we don't know the details i.e. Does he love the other woman? Is he likely to up and leave his wife? When they married 14 years ago was sex on the cards or was it only for companionship?

And once again I say how wicked of him to allow the OP to find out.

I'm sure some women whose husbands visit prostitutes do know though and choose to turn a blind eye since it takes the heat off them as regards having sex.
At least they know he's not going to run off with his 'lady of the night', not at eighty anyway, and I think their main concern would be that he doesn't die 'on the job' EEK!

Apologies for the crudeness

We really are from different plants aren't we

All I can say cc as a pensioner (retired 10 years), living independently, is perhaps. But when you don't have a lot of time left you shouldn't waste it

trisher I suggest that a woman of 74 has self-respect created in a different era from today and on a different basis. To suggest that OP should share your outlook is unrealistic and your post is cruel. As a pensioner (probably retired for 10 to 15 years) she is in a more vulnerable position than a young wife woman might be, with their opportunities start their life afresh and earn their own living.

I know, but sometimes it has to be done and those women survive and become stronger. They build independent lives and have self confidence and self respect. If they enter into new relationships it is as an equal partner not as an inferior who expects to be kept. Surely something we should all aspire to in the 21st century.

Very nasty trisher