unfaithful husband

Sorry to hear of your situation, 2J8DATLAS.

You need to think about what you want from your marriage. If you divorce there'd be some sort of financial settlement for you, but maybe you'd have a lot less money to live on. If you stay put, you may have to put up with his deceit and shenanigans for the rest of your life together.

I personally abhor deceit so I would bring it out into the open, but confronting him may risk him leaving you, which you may not want. He may also try to blame you for having strayed, which you may make you even more angry.

There is no "right" answer. Think carefully about whether you can tolerate this situation and ways to make it more "bearable" if you decide you want to keep the marriage in tact.

As others have said, also make plans for the risk that he will leave you one day and try to be more "independent" now - before that ever happens. Make a life for yourself that you enjoy.

I am not condoning what he is doing but I am curious as to what has made him want to do such a thing. Why did your love life die a "a few years ago".

Wot - you forgot the bromide in his tea!

If you don't own your home jointly it is essential that you see a solicitor and at least think about putting a matrimonial charge on it although he would be notified of that.
Otherwise, I agree with everyone else that you have to protect yourself financially as much as you can and, him aside, live the life you want to. Good luck.

I had a husband who thrived on the deceit. I divorced him to let him carry on his games with wife no 2. It was very upsetting to realise that he had been like that from the start of our relationship, as he has no self esteem and needs continual boosts for his ego. I hope you can understand what I am talking about, but spying on him really isn't the answer. Detatch and start to change your behaviour and be happy. Attend mindfullness classes or do something in the evening and meet new friends. Who needs to be a couple. I can be the most lonely place to be so enjoy yourself and think of them as, basically, dishonest and sad. Good luck!

Sorry to hear about your husband. I agree with suzied. Keep track of his activities just incase but meantime look after yourself.Try to find an outlet for your emotions.

If you have decided to stay with him, why not discuss the issue with him and get it out into the open instead of bottling up the resentment, as you have no sexual involvement with him and appear ready to tolerate his infidelity, lay down some ground rules, you take control of the situation!

(I also wonder how you found out?), and how he fails to notice your distress ...

Um, so hurtful but I wonder about the bigger picture? Maybe the loving messages are a sign he wants closeness not just sex, and maybe there had been a distance between you, not sharing a bed or having a physical relationship? Hard to know what is the best way forward for you, but you too may want more closeness and emotional intimacy, in which case telling him may be better than leaving things... I wonder if you miss the physical closeness of bed and sex? If not, as others have said, maybe a relief that he is getting it elsewhere, but this always risks bringing instability to a marriage...

Whoa! You say that your don't share a bed with him and haven't for several years - is that your decision or his? Because if it's your decision then why would you be surprised that he is having an affair? You seem to be very keen to keep your financial entitlements but less so to provide the natural comfort of marriage by being close to him. However, if it is his decision to sleep separately then you obviously do have cause to be concerned about the financial arrangements.
I say this from personal experience as my husband has refused to have hardly any form of physical contact from the time we got married nor would he discuss it but he made it clear - sometimes with aggression - that there would not be a divorce so we have stayed living in this limbo for over 40 years! We get on well as friends but it is not the relationship I wanted and so I too had a longstanding affair which filled the gap both for myself and my lover without interfering with our successful family lives. It was not how I would have wished it but that's life - but are you sure he is having an affair? At 80 I would say that he's to be congratulated if he is!!! Have you thought about moving back into his bed and removing any reason for him to want an affair?

Sorry to hear he has caused you this unhappiness, but I agree with other posters, if he needs some sex that you are not providing then you may be able to regard this as the other woman providing a service. I hope that he has no intention of leaving you (though you can never be sure) and that if you are still on good terms with him this may not arise. Confronting him might be a mistake if it forces him to choose between you and his sex life - yes, sex is still an issue at this age.
My own mother was widowed young and lived (happily) alone until her death 30 years later but in the last couple of years had a companion. She was not particularly keen on the sex but felt that he needed it.

Do you know this woman? If you do and she is just an acquaintance get to know her ' become ' a friend. Be wonderful and kind. If she has any self respect (!) Once she knows you guilt may set in. Where does your husband say he is going ? Suddenly become very interested in the hobby,walk,place etc he says he is going to. Find a way of making it harder for them to meet up. If you know her invite her round for a meal so you can see the interaction between them. Come up with a new joint hobby - book a few days away together on a day he usually sees her. You get the picture.

Easy solution rub raw chilli peppers into his underpants. He'll get the message

Do you love him? Do you think he loves you?

absolutely right Radicalnan!

I have only recently joined this site, this is only my 2nd message but reading your message took me back 20 years when I was in my 40's, it happened to me so no matter what age you are you can overcome this. I was able to go it alone as time and opportunity was on my side however in your circumstances you have to remember happiness comes from within and success is the best form of revenge. You can be happy in your own right, we all can and we don't need to rely on someone for our own inner peace. Good luck for the future

At 80 he should know better,,, When he goes out to see the ol ???? put your shoes on and say I fancy a walk out with you see what happens then. TBH he should be ashamed of himself,,, maybe hes after your money,,, your never solely dependant on a man so never think that way,,, if anything hes dependant on you I wouldn't do his wahing ha ha. Hope you get it sorted my thoughts are with you xx

I sympathise. Do practical things to help yourself. See a lawyer. Go on holiday. Distance yourself emotionally.

Make your life about you. If you want to leave, make plans slowly. Don't be rushed-stay calm and cool.

See the doc for help if you need to. Keep posting for support.

Try to view this other woman as someone on your staff, you don't want sex with him so let her do that bit for you. You wouldn't worry about a chiropodist cutting his toe nails for him, this is just another service industry.

Make yourself known to be devoted to him, let him be as kind as he likes and let people know what a good relationship it is.

He is pretty old, if he leaves her any money you may be able to contest it on the grounds that he was losing it a bit......if it comes out that he was seeing her deny all knowledge.

Just make sure that you have your own financial security secured and let her provide him with sex...........how good can it be at his age? Wear him out with other things, send him to golf or get an allotment..........they may just be a doddery old couple of fantasists...Howard and Marina from Last of the Summer Wine spring to mind.

Don't be upset be relieved that you have time to plan your own plans, she isn't getting the love of your life is she? Just some old bloke you happen to be married to.

An affair at any age is so very sad for everyone involved and only you in your heart will know what the right decision is in whether you stay or whether you go and the reasons for doing this. We shouldn't judge but support your decision. If I could offer something, it would be to talk to him to understand what is going on and why as the not knowing will eat you up and as you've said, you don't need additional stress. It may not be what you think as things are so very often much worse in our heads. Letting him know that you are aware something is going on gives you back the power and to some extent control. I do however also like the fun ideas of getting 'him back' :-).

I am so sorry, you must be devastated, big hugs

can i ask why you stopped sharing a bed?

I agree with Jenty61.

Make enquiries at CAB, or online, about how you would support yourself if you kick him out separate from him. That could include getting financial support from him.

You may never actually separate, but having the information would help you to feel you are in a stronger position, whatever happens.

Do not move out of your home - lady friend might move in.

Find and throw away his stock of Viagra.

Agree with jing

Mind you at 80!!!! Respect

Thank you, thank you everyone. All your comments have been so helpful and it has been wonderful being able to discuss it with you all and hearing all your thoughts and ideas. Definitely food for thought.