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looking for insight - telling parents when 20 weeks pregnant, likely bad reaction

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erdosrenyi Tue 14-Jun-16 00:53:52

Also - forgot to say that my mother makes up things that she thinks will be acceptable socially.

So when I'd been living with DH for 8 years - which she knew about from the beginning - if any of her tennis friends asked me "and do you have a boyfriend, dear?" mother would butt in with "oh, she has LOTS of boyfriends, but no-one special, she keeps them all on their toes, the bunches of flowers and nights out are ENDLESS, aren't they!"

So given that these tennis friends seem to spend a lot of time complaining about having to visit their unfathomably workaholic daughters around the world in order to see the grandchildren often enough - I can see that my mother will be joining in - and will be "wanting" to visit (even though the reality will be disappointing and she'll fling about accusations and complain about it for years afterwards - as she has done with every visit). Many of the friends have visited in order to be there for the birth of the grandchild. Given that my mother has made it clear from early on that she didn't want me and that many of her issues about me spoiling her nice life are from before/just after my birth - I don't think this would be a good idea at all.
However, as she's generally uninterested in looking objectively at reality, preferring to make something up and then be annoyed when reality doesn't match it - I can't imagine that any of my gentle suggestions that she maybe visits later in the year, will go down well...

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erdosrenyi Tue 14-Jun-16 00:31:34

First post on gransnet. I'm 40, happily married to 40 year old DH, 17 weeks pregnant with first child/ 8th pregnancy. Family don't know we've been trying to have kids, about the 7 miscarriages, or about this pregnancy. DH's parents are coming to visit soon so we'll have to tell everyone at 20 weeks.

DH's parents should be fine with it. They're normal people. We haven't told them yet because they know my parents socially and we don't want to put them in the position of having to say nothing, about something this big.

My parents are aggressive, rude and critical. Basically my mother had a terrible time during pregnancy with me, didn't bond with me, has hated me since day one and has always found reasons to interpret everything I've done in a negative light. She finds me embarrassing because i'm not beautiful and sociable and a lovely hostess, like my older sister; she sees my career as an affront. My father finds me alternately a threat (if my career is going well) and an embarrassment (if he can find a reason to claim I'm useless), and spends a lot of time running me down to my face and in front of his former colleagues who ask how I'm doing. Intellectual achievements are always met with "well she can't do anything else so I suppose she has to try to do that" - though any slip-ups - like coming second out of hundreds in my year in a science degree at an elite university - or doing a PhD at a different elite university that doesn't have graduations that i could invite my (uninterested, critical) parents to - are carped about for decades.

My mother has said a few times that if I'm ever a stupid enough slut to get pregnant then she thinks I should have an abortion because I'd make a terrible parent. When I married DH she and my father both said "poor DH, now he's trapped; oh well, I guess he can afford a divorce when it all goes wrong" to anyone who would listen.

Et cetera. Anyone got any advice for how I tell these bloody people that I'm producing a grandchild?

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