Feel disloyal but I'm slowly going mad

hi seffy. i so understand your dilemma, but think maybe you need to work on the subliminal messages you're giving your mother. if you always stop what you're doing as soon as she arrives, she'll think it wasn't important to you - maybe that you were just filling in time until she arrived! so perhaps you could begin by telling her you're going to ,"do" the living room and if she doesn't want to be bored she should stay away for a few days. then when she comes round while you're busy you have options: ask her to make you a tea, then go shopping for something you "missed" for supper, then scrub the potatoes, make the gravy, etc - increasing the boredom-level of the tasks as you go. benefits: you get the decorating done, maybe the supper, perhaps even give your mother the idea (of her own) that she has something better to do today. step 2, repeat with something else you want to do.
hopefully enjoy the challenge.
and hopefully you mother will, too.
it'll be another joyful step in your wonderful life!

I was incredibly sad when my daughter moved out. Really struggled with my emptying nest. I offered my daughter support (she had a young baby) some times she took it sometimes not but it didn't mean I started doing things that I thought she needed help with. If she said she could manage I backed off,there's a certain element of pride when you venture into new lives and independence.

Is it something about these mums wanting to be felt 'needed'?
I'm lucky I guess in that I live further away from DM than my sisters, but the expectation is that I will visit every week (DSis visit virtually every day, if they don't then there's a phone call asking what's wrong!).

It still doesn't feel comfortable grandmamoira the problem being that as soon as I turn my back mum can often step in and almost take over. Just last week we (me & daughter) was in the garden putting together a new trampoline for the grandson. In the meantime mum wandered into the shed grabbed some gardening tools and starts digging. OK maybe I should be more grateful of this helping out. But for one thing I hadn't asked for any help, it's my garden not mums, (whats one persons weed is anothers flower) and after a short while downed tools stating 'I wouldn't want to be a gardener' I was gobsmacked to say the least. Mums trouble is she's frequently trying to help out when it's not needed, called for or very much appreciated. I end up feeling like one of the children.

Seffy - If you need to decorate, can't you just get on with it and ask your Mum for any help with it that she is able, such as making tea or peeling potatoes for dinner whilst you are painting. Perhaps you could involve her in going to DIY stores to choose paint colours and any new items you will need once decorated. Will she be willing to do things with you rather than just sitting there?

Bez mum does have a pc.she spends her time on Facebook just looking at what others are doing. Then proceeds to tell me what's going on in one of my daughters lives as she talks endlessly to her on chat.
I've suggested she signs up for competitions and freebies-you can easily while away a few hours doing that kind of thing, but again none of it seems to be taken on board.
I am definitely slowly going mad,trying to think of different ideas to suggest. And to stop mum treating my home like an extension of her own. How it's just accepted that it's OK to come whenever she wants and on the odd occasion I've actually been out,phoning my husband as I wasn't answering my phone causing immediate worry that something terrible had happened. It is just so claustrophobic and right now really dominating my poor little brain.

Get her a tablet and teach her how to use it. Then she might get addicted to it....
like many of us....and not have thr tome to :pop round" so much.
Other than that days out with hubby on your own, like cinema to films she wouldnt enjoy or short stay holidays in England or Wales. Anything like that to break her hanit, which obviously it is. Explain to the rest of your family that its causing problems between you & your hubby...lie if necessary....so that you need your own time together to ease the situation.
Good Luck.

Seffy loads of good advise already given. I would just like to add I was an only child and was in similar situation but mine was phone calls everyday, she wanted to chat about my life etc and keep me on the phone for around 30/60 minutes. You won't believe the amount of baths I had around the time I knew she would call she was also involved in every aspect of our lives, and like you I felt guilty about wanting to pull away. I just became busier out of the house,I did it slowly so it didn't affect her or me to much, until the calls subsided to every couple of days instead of every day.Then in return Id take her for lunch or the shops then drop her back at home, and say see you soon.Would it be an idea to visit her instead then you can leave when it suits you.Or what about seeing if one of the daughters that live near by might invite her round to them for a cuppa and chat as you've got something on that day. I had the guilt but slowly it eased up. You can do it !!!

Selfy some of the problem lies with you. Why do you feel 'guilty' all the time? Your DH, DM, DC are all out leading their lives. Do they feel guilty for expecting so much of you and not considering your needs? Probably not.

I suggest you seek counselling to deal with the lack of self esteem that leaves you feeling 'guilty' all the time and get the courage to tell your mother that you cannot see her the following day because you are out all day. Make sure that you really do have something to do and that it is something you really enjoy. Gradually start cutting some of the threads of that guilt that makes you need to feel every second of your life should be devoted to your family. Other memebers of your family do not feel like this, why should you?

It's hardly surprising you feel disloyal, as she's your Mum and you love her. Having said that, should she be leaning on you quite so much. No. As you are obviously feeling suffocated enough to unload on this site. So many great suggestions above, like encouraging her to join groups that may interest her. But, if it's not really her thing to do that, then she won't. So you either need to get out more yourself, so you're not always 'in'. As you said, she doesn't tell you when she's coming so you must always be in or she would check. Have you another relative you could suggest meets up with her from time to time? I will bet you anything she doesn't realise she's doing this to you. She only had you. You've had 5. But you are her world and it seems she brought you up alone. I so hope you can find a good solution as you obviously love each other but need a little more space to breathe.

To be honest I have enough to keep me busy being at home. I have 2 children still at school & regularly look after my grandson. So I feel I can fill my time and days very easily. I get kind of frustrated having such a lot to do-the house needs lots of attention in my opinion-but always feel obliged to stop whatever I'm doing when mum arrives as I just feel it's so rude and unsociable to leave her sitting with a cup of tea and the TV for company.
I guess I've got a bit of growing still to do. I need to 'grow a pair" and speak my mind. Something I've never been able to do with mum as she's such a sensitive and insecure person.
I just worry so much about her. Wish she could find some kind of happiness that doesn't just revolve around me and my family. I know it's not healthy.

newsmuse you sound a bit depressed and I wonder if you have talked to your doctor. Depending on your existing medication you might even benefit from St John's wort.
You would seem to be getting out and about and doing things so how tackling things from another angle and think about joining an exercise class which might help you keep mobile. Swimming is good too so an aquacise class might also help as it is usually social as well. Exercise releases endorphins and makes us feel so much better in every way.

It can be a blessing to have a soul mate but can also be stifling so don't go wishing for something that may not turn out to be the best. If it happens and is good that is quite another thing.
You don't say how you know what others think about you. I would be very surprised if anyone has been unpleasant enough to tell you this directly. Do you think it might be your way of explaining to yourself what you perceive to be your lack of friends? If you have moved into a new area it is inevitable that others will seem to have more friends than you but do remember that appearances can be deceptive and what you see as a close friendship may just be a slight acquaintance. We all have differing moods which make us perceive things to be quite different to how they actually are.
You might consider inviting some people around for coffee sometimes as that does not require huge efforts with a packet of biscuits and a jar of coffee being the main ingredients. You need to be seen to be making efforts really so that others will be happy to respond.
You are right to dismiss moving again as it always better to move 'to' something rather than 'from' something.
Let us know how you get on.

seffy there is so much good advice on here that if you take it on board you will manage to turn things around kindly. I wouldn't want to show my mum this thread but just try to make it happen naturally.
I would definitely crack on and get the decorating done and whatever else you would like to sort out. Make a list of what you fancy doing and just go for it!

I suggest that you ask your Mum read this thread.

I am coming from the other side of the fence - as a Mother (74, living alone) with my DD just 15 mins away by car (who's 44, lives alone, no children, but her ex-partner/best friend living in the upstairs flat in their house). We both have dogs and do usually meet up once a week to walk them and have a good chat over a coffee. As neither my DD or her BF upstairs are DIYers, when things start to look really bad round there I offer to help which I love doing, and they know I do. But age is making practical help more difficult, even gardening. I haven't made that many friends of my own down here, though know many people through the dog walking, so there is always a chat everyday, but nothing further. I haven't really found a soul mate, and because I moved here from central London, because of the way I speak and dress, people consider me as something of an alien - referring to me as posh and stuck up which I'm not.
I have joined groups just to get me out and about, and volunteer as does my dog, but I still feel incredibly lonely and something of a misfit. I am reluctant to move away as my DD also suffers from depression. She doesn't drive either. And where would I move to? I worry everyday about the way my life is progressing, but daren't air this with my daughter as what can she do other than worry about me, the last thing I want. So there it is and it felt good to put everything down in writing.

While I sympathise whole-heartedly, you are lucky to have a mum - I had a love/hate relationship with mine, who lived 250 miles away and admitted that she was never a "motherly" type, but I didn't manage to make my peace with her till shortly before she passed. At that point I would have loved to get to know her better, but she was suffering from dementia and I never saw her again. Suggest that you tell her you do have your own life to lead - you love to see her, but put down rules. We see my MIL twice weekly unless there is a reason for more frequent contact and that suits us all fine. She has her independence and we are all on the phone in an emergency! Good luck

Wow I'm in total amazement by everyone's support with my situation. Just to read all these comments makes me feel more determined than ever to break this cycle I've fallen into or been sucked into. I've had many projects I've been wanting to make a start on. But as soon as mum turns up, I down tools as I feel awkward and unsociable if I just leave her sitting with a cuppa and the TV for company whilst I get on and paint the ceiling (just an example) house needs lots of attention but I've just let it go so as not to appear rude. I can now see that I'm not being out of line by trying to change my ways. As the saying goes if the branch doesn't bend it'll surely break. Think this should maybe be my motto.
Thanks to all ☺

You could both join your local U3A, there is no lower age limit. You may find it boring and full of older people ( like me), but once you get your mum into lots of groups etc, you could drop out or just not renew after the first year. You are young to be home all day, unless you look after a child/grandchild, why not find a part time job that you would enjoy, or do some volunteering? Maybe your mum could help out in a charity shop or something too, there are usually jobs in the back to do if she is shy.

How about finding out about local groups near her and take her along to ease her in. It might act a bit like playgroup and give you a bit of time off if she gets on with it (encouraged by you). Also, how about asking her to bake/make you something tomorrow and bring it the next day - give her something to do for you at home. Another ploy, tell her when she's leaving that you are "busy/have an app." tomorrow, but make definite arrangements for the day after so that she has something to look forward to. This "off" time can be elongated once she becomes used to it. None of that is offensive and will give her some structure and company away from you. (All in my opinion of course!)

My mother spent my childhood working, drinking and smoking and, when she retired and felt herself bereft, made it clear she expected her daughters to rally round and do all her cleaning and socialising for and with her. This would never have worked as firstly she is not grateful and can be quite nasty to anyone who is good to her or appeases her and secondly she still drinks and is quite abusive sometimes and difficult 'a drop taken' at all times.

My solution is to create some distance. My sister moved my mum nearer to her and now very much resents mum's misbehaviour and the difficulties presented by her early symptoms of Alzheimer's. On the other hand, I can see mum on visits and talk to her amiably on the phone as mum cannot exert any resentful or hostile influence against me. I feel sorry that my sister is somewhat lumbered but she chose to move my mother when mum was extremely reluctant to up sticks and leave her friends, contacts and life.

Human relations are very difficult. I keep reminding myself of what E.M. Forster said, 'Goodwill, and goodwill and more goodwill.'

Seffy ... I sympathise so much with what you are going through but with time it will get better. I know how hard it is for you mum to do things on her own - it's so easy to say join a "group" but not so nice being the new person. I can see that you are a kind person and you don't want to upset your mum (these years with your mum are really precious). How about joining something like the WI or TG, gardening club or craft group with her and drop out or reduce your visits when she has settled in. Your local library might have be able to help. Your mum is lonely and now has set up a routine of visiting you. Taking yourself out will help in the short term but you need to find her something long term. Also remember for the future - you too will need to have hobbies/interests of your own for when the children and grandchildren become busy and independent. Good luck

How about a part time job? It will necessitate being out of the house and you will meet some new people, one's not involved emotionally in your family. Good luck

seffy128 one of the things I noticed is that you have managed the break for your own children, you are obviously a great mum.It is so sad that your own mum is almost like another child for you. I hope you find some sort of solution. If you can't work with her you may (for your own sake) need to behave as selfishly as a teenager and just tell her to "go away" (although teenagers will not use such moderate language). I wish you all the best it can't be easy.

Trisher I feel one problem mum has is that she does not like change. She's a very quiet, reserved and insecure person. All through my childhood and growing up I cannot recall her ever classing another person as 'a friend' or ever having any hobbies or interests. I remember a few years ago she was referred by her GP for some counselling sessions. She went to three then said they weren't helping and stopped. Her GP recommended a local social group for over 60s she went once then commented it was just a bunch of golden oldies sitting around playing dominoes and didn't go again. I'm not a very confident person so understand how difficult it can be to push forward into new ventures but different situations in my life have caused me to step out of my comfort zone into the unknown. It's advice I feel I should be offering my children, not my own mother.

seffy138 there is a theory that in adolescence we cut the final umbilical chord (imaginary) that still ties us to our parents. It is one of the reasons teenagers are so bad tempered. It sounds as if you and your mum are so close that has never happened. Could you sit down and talk to her and tell her how you are feeling? Suggesting maybe a day each week when you will both agree to do your own thing. You can spend time investigating what you want to do together. I would suggest looking at a class or group that meet once a week, different ones for each of you.If she doesn't feel she could manage a whole day at first then you might go somewhere where you could split for a class but meet afterwards for coffee and a chat. This situation is bad for you but it is equally damaging to her, she needs to develop her own friends or be able to spend time on her own happily.