Feel disloyal but I'm slowly going mad

It sounds as though you are putting everyone else's needs before your own, which, on the surface, is commendable, but it does not seem to be adding to the sum of human happiness in this instance. What does your OH think about the situation? It may be that you need to try and take some control over it, rather than allowing others to blow you hither and thither according to their wishes. Maybe you need to get out and do some things on your own, just for your own enjoyment.

Can't you talk about this to anyone in your family? How does your husband feel about always having MIL around? Are there any of your children that you feel could understand how you feel and might be able to help loosen the bonds? Is there nothing that you could help your DM to do to widen her horizons - any groups covering hobbies or interests?

No no no.
The bit near the end where you are saying that you dont feel you can make arrangements without your mum is the important bit.

Do you always do what you think your husband wants too? And everyone else?

Just s*d off out for the day without telling anyone. It might pull them up short. Sorry, that was very blunt but you need to make them all think.

I agree with kitty, people pleasing isn't good for anyone! YOU are just as important as the rest of the family, and your needs and wants are important too.
Start saying No, it's very empowering.

Next time she comes round as she is leaving tell her you are going out the next day - make up an excuse if necessary, meeting a friend, have an appointment or whatever. Then suggest she calls in a couple of days later. Perhaps she doesn't realise how you feel. My own mother is very controlling so I know how difficult it is (and mine lives in another country!!)

Can you not just go out to visit with a friend for an afternoon or maybe go to a class in the evening anything to just get you out by yourself. It sounds like you've just made a rod for you own back and I don't meant that to sound nasty but you've let it become the norm for Mum/Nan to always come round and just drop in or join the family to every event. If even in a small way your aren't always 'available' to your Mum maybe just maybe she'll back off a little.

Are there any Senior Citizens groups your mother could join, she sounds lonely and has got in the habit of making you her company. Nothing wrong with telling your mother it's time to join a group/groups of like minded people her age.

My mother went to a woodwork group for many, many years, she built everything. I still use a wooden table she built for me. We knew mum wasn't available on woodwork days, she would leave early and be gone most of the day. Eventually as she got much older she joined a group for older people (around 80 plus) and had lunch at the SC club each week and enjoyed going on trips.

My mother once joined a walking group and got me to go with her until she got to know people. I also phoned around for her to find what was available and drove her to places to see if she was interested in joining.

Your Mum is dependent on you to relieve her loneliness. How about helping her find other things to do so she no longer has this dependency? Are there any activities she is interested in? Any societies/clubs in your town she could join? Could she volunteer in a charity shop, local hospital etc.? You'd have to do some research first to find the right activities for her, and she would probably be (very!) resistant at first, but if she has other things to fill her time, then you'll get your own time back without feeling guilty. And it will be much healthier for her and for your relationship with her.

x post with Faye - very similar advice!

Are there any groups that YOU could join. If you are always in the house, you are always there to drop in on.

What are your interests, or would you like to find new ones? You could try all kinds of things - no need to continue if it doesn't come up to expectations, it wouldn't be a life sentence, just quit and find something else.

Search the internet for groups in your area - leisure activities like craft courses, language lessons, book groups, regular walks (if you over 50, some areas have walking groups specifically for that age, so you wouldn't be trying to walk many miles at the speed of the youngest and fittest) You could take up learning again - she wouldn't interrupt that!

Do you go out to see friends? Arrange to join someone for a film or concert.

You can't easily stop her coming round, but you CAN stop always being there when she arrives.

Yes I agree with dramatictessa you need to find alternatives for your Mum. This is not going to happen overnight so as your children are very fond of her maybe they could go out with Nan and leave you to do your own thing.
You can't please all the people etc just stress yourself out trying. Have some me time and don't feel guilty.

A big thank you for everyone's responses. I guess I've been seeking some reassurance that the way I've been feeling is justified & I'm not just being a heartless & uncaring b*tch. I do feel awful when talking with my husband putting mum down.
My two eldest children have flown the nest. They're both close by; one settling down with a long term partner the other setting up home as a single parent ( & doing a fine job I might add) I cannot deny I found it difficult when they, in turn, moved out & on with their lives. But things settled down. I see one a bit more frequently than the other but they both know where I am and know I'd do anything to help if they ask-and that's as simple as it goes. I would never dream of just dropping in on them and certainly not for hours on end. They could be in the midst of anything!!
And also I have many interests. I'm not the most outgoing of souls but am happy getting on with things I like to do and often on my own. I try dropping hints to mum about getting out walking, gardening, visiting the local library-all things I enjoy-it's not all about spending money but she continues to put up endless obstacles. But like somebody mentioned about taking myself out & being unavailable for visiting. I've decided to get out tomorrow when looking after my grandson, even if it means taking a walk to the park in the pouring rain. It's not so easy to clear my conscience of the guilty feeling but I guess that will come with time and I know I need to break this cycle.
Thanks very much to all of you. Very much appreciated x

seffy, have you ever considered that your mum has got stuck in a rut too? I became the mum you talk about. My children (son and daughter) are middleaged with two children each. I have done an awful lot of babysitting, childminding, teenager councelling, and it got to the point that I forgot to have any interests outside all that, and my children started treating me like someone who has no life and needs their help. I am still doing all those things, but I have managed to put some distance between me and children (not grandchildren who love coming to me!). I felt very angry that my own children should treat me like this after all the help that I give, but I have got over that. Now I will see my grandchildren as much as I can, but I let my children call me, not me them. So TALK to your mum about your feelings. She may surprise you by telling you that she felt you needed her so much, and she is happy to let go a bit! Mothers usually want what is best for their children, even when they get older.

Ditch the guilt! - it is not appropriate.

Farmor51 I have considered and do know that my mum is stuck in a rut. Mum has always been a bit of a loner. Mum brought me up alone, I'm an only child so until the day my eldest child was born and I left home when expecting my second, it was just me and mum-despite her having 5 siblings, all living locally with fairly close contact. I was brought up very sheltered and only with my husbands loyalty & perseverance am I beginning to strive for more. I feel guilty to be happily married, have 5 beautiful children and generally feel pretty content with what I have. But I do still crave a life away from mums constant attention. I long to have my children visit me without mum being around too. Just now and again that's all. Mum sometimes goes places with one of her brothers but regardless of how long, tiring and busy her day has been 9 times out of 10 she'll still drop by before going home.
I've bought various gifts from gardening equipment, walking shoes, cross stitch kits to try and stir up a hobby but she just doesn't take to anything. Her only interest seems to be what's happening in my world. It's suffocating.
Don't get me wrong. Love my mum unconditionally but worry like hell that she seems to be just letting life pass her by.

My MiLused to tell us she came round to " keep us company"! Maybe your M feels the same! I agree, find other things to do , don't be available.

Where does your husband fit in all this, he married you, not his mother in law. Just go out for the day the two of you and tell her you want time with your husband, better still book a holiday for both of you and tell her it's a second honeymoon. If she pulls a face she will get over it. Your children will understand. Just do it. The first time will be the hardest.

Seffy, you should not feel guilty for wanting to lead a life of your choice. We only have one. Your mum has to find her own way, and as long as you give your support, that is all you can do. She is lucky to have a daughter like you, as well as grandchildren. Don't waste your life feeling guilty for something you can't control.
Good luck

Thank you once again to everyone for your kind words and support.
There's some wise words there and I know I need to listen, take it on board and start "living" again.

seffy138 there is a theory that in adolescence we cut the final umbilical chord (imaginary) that still ties us to our parents. It is one of the reasons teenagers are so bad tempered. It sounds as if you and your mum are so close that has never happened. Could you sit down and talk to her and tell her how you are feeling? Suggesting maybe a day each week when you will both agree to do your own thing. You can spend time investigating what you want to do together. I would suggest looking at a class or group that meet once a week, different ones for each of you.If she doesn't feel she could manage a whole day at first then you might go somewhere where you could split for a class but meet afterwards for coffee and a chat. This situation is bad for you but it is equally damaging to her, she needs to develop her own friends or be able to spend time on her own happily.

Trisher I feel one problem mum has is that she does not like change. She's a very quiet, reserved and insecure person. All through my childhood and growing up I cannot recall her ever classing another person as 'a friend' or ever having any hobbies or interests. I remember a few years ago she was referred by her GP for some counselling sessions. She went to three then said they weren't helping and stopped. Her GP recommended a local social group for over 60s she went once then commented it was just a bunch of golden oldies sitting around playing dominoes and didn't go again. I'm not a very confident person so understand how difficult it can be to push forward into new ventures but different situations in my life have caused me to step out of my comfort zone into the unknown. It's advice I feel I should be offering my children, not my own mother.

seffy128 one of the things I noticed is that you have managed the break for your own children, you are obviously a great mum.It is so sad that your own mum is almost like another child for you. I hope you find some sort of solution. If you can't work with her you may (for your own sake) need to behave as selfishly as a teenager and just tell her to "go away" (although teenagers will not use such moderate language). I wish you all the best it can't be easy.

How about a part time job? It will necessitate being out of the house and you will meet some new people, one's not involved emotionally in your family. Good luck