How to help a friend through divorce

Old chestnuts but they do work - exercise, pursuing new activities,having people over, making sure that the diary is packed with plans. And don't let false friends get to you - stick to those who love you and want to help.

A workmate of mine was telling me about his friend who was seeing a married lady and had introduced her to BDSM and was doing all sorts to her. It turned out to be his wife.

I second exercise. Yoga's nice, not too strenuous and "mindful".

Talking and exercise are both great ideas. You could join an exercise class with her at first and have lunch/coffee afterwards. The fact that she thinks he will come back to her is a real problem, I have seen women hang on for years refusing to divorce the man because they believe this and I have seen the men use this to ensure they get more than their share of the joint property. Do try to build up her self confidence so that she begins to think she deserves better than him. Maybe spa days or pamper sessions? If she isn't working could she volunteer somewhere?

I agree with those who have promoted listening and not judgeing. Encourage too, and go with her to some new activities, until she's ready to go alone. As the lovely person you describe she will make friends and hopefully enjoy being independent. (It's great being in sole charge of the TV remote!)
On a practical note - if it's appropriate - can I suggest exercise. It really lifts the mood and has many other benefits that will help at this time. Concentrating on something new in this way gives the mind much relief from sorrow. Perhaps joining a fitness centre or class, or a gym will help. Who knows - she may meet a lovely chap there when she's ready.
Best wishes to you both at this difficult time.

You sound a lovely, compassionate friend. Just be there for her.

Good God the last thing any newly Abandoned woman is going to do is go after the husbands of her friends. She needs the support of her friends to find her feet again. She needs friends to listen to her sorrow bewilderment and anger. She needs to share that for as long as she needs to and without being told she "should be over it by now". She also needs to go out and do the things she enjoys with friends.

Some women will abandon their friends at this time because they fear divorce may be "catching" or that it must have been her fault. Some women will offer a listening ear, but only to pick up gossip and pass it on.

DO NOT be one of those women. Support her and keep her business to yourself.

I have not read all your replies, so you may have already heard of someone like myself.

For me though it was when my husband died when we lived in a barn far from a shop and transport. First my son kindly offered to have me and now I have my own property.
As this friend of yours doesn't want to be on her own I presume she has thought of finding a flat somewhere? She will then be with other people

I think all the above suggestions are really helpful - being a good friend who she knows is always there for her, and perhaps suggesting and supporting her in getting some professional counselling is all good. When she starts to adjust to being on her own, try to encourage her to be part of a new group or groups which will give her friendship and new activities to think about.After having to move to a new area on my own, I personally found the Women's Institute to be a good start.There are WIs in cities now. They were welcoming, inclusive, encouraging and not judgemental; and I got to do many interesting things I might never otherwise have done. Or suggest she pursue interests she may not have had enough time for before as part of a couple - community education day courses, perhaps, where she will find like-minded people.

Don't necessarily expect that his family will be there for her. I am a widow (second marriage for both of us) and I was close to his family, often babysitting, always got on well but they dropped me as soon as he died. However close the step family has been, they tend to stick to their own. She may be lucky but I wouldn't count on it. The GP may be able to arrange counselling, which would take some of the strain from you.

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it."

moxeyns

You must have done Mindfulness, that is so the starting block, its also what people forget, In my humble opinion, that's the best of advice on here.

Tell her to go and get some person-centred counselling. Once she has come to terms with what has happened she should go and learn Counselling Skills. In Scotland the COSCA (Counselling and Psychotherapy in Scotland) course can be taken in many FE colleges and universities. It takes 1 day a week over 24 days split into four modules to do it in a year.
She can then volunteer as Counsellor at a local voluntary organisation . She will make friends, have a purpose in life and the support of the Counselling community as she attends CPD and other events.

I am divorcing my husband of 38 years. It is terrifying but I can only do it because my friends are there for me. They listen, tell me to be strong and I feel their love and support.

Talking is a good therapy, so being a good listener is important. Let her cry as much as she needs to and just let her know that you're there for her. Try to get her to eat small healthy snacks if she can't face a meal and persuade her to get out in the fresh air as much as possible. Help her to take each day as it comes and treat herself for getting through to evening. A nice coffee or luxuriating in a nice bath, getting her nails/hair done- anything to help restore her self-esteem. I found acupuncture eased the anxiety attacks.

Suggest she takes a look at www.wikivorce.com where she can obtain free legal advice and read how others got through similar situations. She will find support from members which is good when family and friends are suffering compassion fatigue.

As others have said, Relate is a good place to consult and she can go alone, as they not only help couples to repair relationships, they help people to cope with separation.

If it gets overwhelming for her, suggest she goes to see her GP and offer to go with her. The GP can recommend therapy although there is often a waiting list. Professionals can help her to see things from a different perspective.

Being a good friend is the best thing you can be for her right now and it sounds as though you are.

. ??

It's all kicking off, now u can choose from 25 genders , no one knows if they are straight, gay, bi or coming or going backwards, forwards. The bloody world has gone mad!

As others have said previously, I believe the key is to listen. When my ex husband and I separated my wonderful friend Helen was always there with a sympathetic ear and a cup of hot chocolate. I know that I repeated the same comments over and over again (and still do occasionally) but she never once tried to stop me or look bored.

Thank you for the advice. I can see I'm going to have to bite my tongue and practise my sympathetic noises. I will suggest a fixed coffee/lunch date every week so that she is forced to leave the house/speak to someone. She is a lovely woman and great company even when things are bad - he is losing a very special lady. Heartbreaking to see her so miserable.
I have no worry about her stealing my other half (who'd have him!? )

When my friend's husband walked out on her for another woman, after many years of marriage, I found that the only thing I could really do to help was to listen. She needed, desperately, to talk about it. She never expressed any hope he would return - I don't think she wanted him back, after the way he had treated her - but she did become seriously depressed for quite a long time, both before and after the divorce was finalised. She coped well with the practical stuff, like selling the house and moving to be closer to her sons, but the emotional damage was really bad. All you can really do is listen and understand.

But, on a practical note, if the divorce goes ahead you could help her to find a really good solicitor. My friend's was brilliant and made sure she got every single thing she was entitled to.

I listened to somebody who had married badly, against all common sense, making sympathetic noises, every morning for months. I found it very frustrating and wanted to shake her but managed to keep quiet because that wasn't what she wanted to hear. He was unreasonable, his sexuality, age, honesty and just about everything was in question but still she had hope that things would work out because she loved him so much. Then one day, we had a conversation and suddenly she was so over him that it was stunning. It turned out she had found out about a betrayal which was one step too far. Before long, my mornings became my own again and she started the healing process. Meanwhile we hadn't fallen out because I'd not pointed out his faults...she just wouldn't have been ready to hear them.

Can i offer some advice to well meaning friends in a situation like this? Let her talk it through- however boring, however repetitive, however painful. She needs you to to support her and not to sit on the fence trying to be careful what you say. I felt so sad when some of my 'friends' looked uncomfortable and told me to "move on" - hate that phrase. I tried not to bore and was super positive in the practilities. But the emotional side was where I needed hugs and tissues and ears and support. Dont let your eyes glaze over; dont change the subject; listen - empathize - truly connect.
She definitely won't be out to pinch your husband - she's too raw and probably will never trust a man again.

I helped a friend through her divorce when her husband finally committed to the 2nd family he had been involved with. She was shocked (we were so not!) despite having spent years paying off his huge debts (the other mortgage)at least twice, for years she had believed he spent 5 nights out of 7 in the pub(he didn't). I provided a shoulder, was a sounding board and gave her my options (never been good at keeping quiet sadly) and kept her social life gently ticking over whilst she learnt to cope. When it unfortunately came to my turn to face divorce she said she could not see her way to help me - talk about a slap in the face!

Rant over! Just be yourself or every thing will become strained

A 3rd vote for Relate Made me feel like I still had value, which believe me, I was questioning after he'd walked out the week before our 33rd anniversary.

Also, the practical things are often the scariest - helping her to work out how to get a dripping tap fixed - whether by exercising her Google muscle or by going on a plumbing course, whatever's her bag - or knowing that there are several firms dedicated to singles holidays - will be useful.

And when she's ready for it, I found this enormously helpful. www.quora.com/Can-living-alone-ever-be-joyous/answer/Kathleen-Grace?ref=fb

and
"I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it."
www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/g/groucho_marx.html

I agree with SwimHome - Relate can be brilliant, but there's often a waiting list. Just listen to your friend, she will need to feel heard. I'd suggest lots of massage and/or reiki to get her endorphins re-awakened. Good luck - and look after yourself too, it can be draining.

Suggest she goes to Relate - they can be very helpful post-split-up and some areas even have groups for the newly separated so she'd meet others in the same boat and get constructive help. I saw them years ago and they were very good and helped me to get a grip on my future.