How to help a friend through divorce

You can only be there for her. She won't want to hear how badly he has behaved , after all he may come back then you will be the wrong one. Smile sympathetically and say " yes I know".
If she has been a big and loving part of her step family's lives I hope they will support her, but he is their father and they may feel awkward about his behaviour.

PS don't say it will all be alright and you will be ok because at the moment she cannot see that, it has to come with time.

I have a friend whose husband has left her after 30 years of marriage (for a man) and initially all I did was listen on the phone for ours making soothing noises and not criticising him - they still love these men so they don't take kindly to them being criticised even if they do it. It settled down after a while and she is finding a new life. Just listen to your friend she will really appreciate having someone to sound off to.

Just be normal, do the things that friends do - morning coffee; have lunch together; go to the cinema... Nothing has changed between you, so don't let it seem that it has. If she wants to talk, just listen.

My husband walked out on me after 40 years of marriage within two months he had moved in with someone else! He left me with a huge mortgage to pay off and my kids don't believe anything was going on before he left! I have relied heavily on my friends they have begun there for me and cannot believe what he has done. It is two years now and I am getting through it, I joined a Meetup group which has been excellent and helped me through

Just be careful in case your friend makes a b-line for your husband, any port in a storm

Listening us the key. Make gentle suggestions on practical matters but don't expect her to listen or act on them. Your job is to just take it all on board. Don't worry about saying the wrong thing - being there is what counts.

Oh for heaven's sake gononsuch
1) are some women so desperate for a man?
2) what about friendship and a bit of compassion?
One of the worst things for a widow or divorcée is the "couples" mentality that means she is left on her own at home in case she is after somebody else's man!

You should think again.

My husband left me after 37 years of marriage, just as we were coming up to retirement and our sons were about to be married. There was restructuring at work and I was going to have to be reinterviewed for my job. I couldn't have got through it all without my friends who let me talk and talk trying to make sense of things. I feel they must have been weary sometimes at hearing the same things over and over. But they were always there for me. I cannot thank them enough.

Hopefully,the extended step-family will be supportive for your friend.I think the best thing you can do is to be a listener and just let her use you as a sounding board.Like newforestnan says,someone who will just let you talk through hard times is invaluable.
Perhaps you could gently suggest outings together when she is up to it,to show her that will be a life beyond this,even if her husband does not return.Just a lunch together or a day shopping make her smile.

Two of my friends were left by straying husbands. One was left when her baby was four months old and the other was left by her husband for her best friend. This friend had a baby by my friend's husband and the next month another woman had a baby by the same chap as he was double-two-timing!

These women went through agonies especially when their husbands came back for access to the choldren whom they then both neglected and took into dangerous situations. One little lad had to be dragged from under the table to go with his 'daddy!

The treachery and cruelty of some men knows no bounds.

Still, all you can do is be 'there' and endlessly sympathtic. Both of my friends found other men and married again and these second husbands were kind, generous, loving and faithful.

The decency of some men knows no bounds either.

Children not choldren. Sorry. No edit button.

Suggest she goes to Relate - they can be very helpful post-split-up and some areas even have groups for the newly separated so she'd meet others in the same boat and get constructive help. I saw them years ago and they were very good and helped me to get a grip on my future.

I agree with SwimHome - Relate can be brilliant, but there's often a waiting list. Just listen to your friend, she will need to feel heard. I'd suggest lots of massage and/or reiki to get her endorphins re-awakened. Good luck - and look after yourself too, it can be draining.

A 3rd vote for Relate Made me feel like I still had value, which believe me, I was questioning after he'd walked out the week before our 33rd anniversary.

Also, the practical things are often the scariest - helping her to work out how to get a dripping tap fixed - whether by exercising her Google muscle or by going on a plumbing course, whatever's her bag - or knowing that there are several firms dedicated to singles holidays - will be useful.

And when she's ready for it, I found this enormously helpful. www.quora.com/Can-living-alone-ever-be-joyous/answer/Kathleen-Grace?ref=fb

and
"I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it."
www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/g/groucho_marx.html

I helped a friend through her divorce when her husband finally committed to the 2nd family he had been involved with. She was shocked (we were so not!) despite having spent years paying off his huge debts (the other mortgage)at least twice, for years she had believed he spent 5 nights out of 7 in the pub(he didn't). I provided a shoulder, was a sounding board and gave her my options (never been good at keeping quiet sadly) and kept her social life gently ticking over whilst she learnt to cope. When it unfortunately came to my turn to face divorce she said she could not see her way to help me - talk about a slap in the face!

Rant over! Just be yourself or every thing will become strained

Can i offer some advice to well meaning friends in a situation like this? Let her talk it through- however boring, however repetitive, however painful. She needs you to to support her and not to sit on the fence trying to be careful what you say. I felt so sad when some of my 'friends' looked uncomfortable and told me to "move on" - hate that phrase. I tried not to bore and was super positive in the practilities. But the emotional side was where I needed hugs and tissues and ears and support. Dont let your eyes glaze over; dont change the subject; listen - empathize - truly connect.
She definitely won't be out to pinch your husband - she's too raw and probably will never trust a man again.

I listened to somebody who had married badly, against all common sense, making sympathetic noises, every morning for months. I found it very frustrating and wanted to shake her but managed to keep quiet because that wasn't what she wanted to hear. He was unreasonable, his sexuality, age, honesty and just about everything was in question but still she had hope that things would work out because she loved him so much. Then one day, we had a conversation and suddenly she was so over him that it was stunning. It turned out she had found out about a betrayal which was one step too far. Before long, my mornings became my own again and she started the healing process. Meanwhile we hadn't fallen out because I'd not pointed out his faults...she just wouldn't have been ready to hear them.

When my friend's husband walked out on her for another woman, after many years of marriage, I found that the only thing I could really do to help was to listen. She needed, desperately, to talk about it. She never expressed any hope he would return - I don't think she wanted him back, after the way he had treated her - but she did become seriously depressed for quite a long time, both before and after the divorce was finalised. She coped well with the practical stuff, like selling the house and moving to be closer to her sons, but the emotional damage was really bad. All you can really do is listen and understand.

But, on a practical note, if the divorce goes ahead you could help her to find a really good solicitor. My friend's was brilliant and made sure she got every single thing she was entitled to.

Thank you for the advice. I can see I'm going to have to bite my tongue and practise my sympathetic noises. I will suggest a fixed coffee/lunch date every week so that she is forced to leave the house/speak to someone. She is a lovely woman and great company even when things are bad - he is losing a very special lady. Heartbreaking to see her so miserable.
I have no worry about her stealing my other half (who'd have him!? )

As others have said previously, I believe the key is to listen. When my ex husband and I separated my wonderful friend Helen was always there with a sympathetic ear and a cup of hot chocolate. I know that I repeated the same comments over and over again (and still do occasionally) but she never once tried to stop me or look bored.

It's all kicking off, now u can choose from 25 genders , no one knows if they are straight, gay, bi or coming or going backwards, forwards. The bloody world has gone mad!

. ??

Talking is a good therapy, so being a good listener is important. Let her cry as much as she needs to and just let her know that you're there for her. Try to get her to eat small healthy snacks if she can't face a meal and persuade her to get out in the fresh air as much as possible. Help her to take each day as it comes and treat herself for getting through to evening. A nice coffee or luxuriating in a nice bath, getting her nails/hair done- anything to help restore her self-esteem. I found acupuncture eased the anxiety attacks.

Suggest she takes a look at www.wikivorce.com where she can obtain free legal advice and read how others got through similar situations. She will find support from members which is good when family and friends are suffering compassion fatigue.

As others have said, Relate is a good place to consult and she can go alone, as they not only help couples to repair relationships, they help people to cope with separation.

If it gets overwhelming for her, suggest she goes to see her GP and offer to go with her. The GP can recommend therapy although there is often a waiting list. Professionals can help her to see things from a different perspective.

Being a good friend is the best thing you can be for her right now and it sounds as though you are.