Is my son being unreasonable?

Don't interfere...you'll regret it if you do.

Allow our children to grow up and be there when asked for advice. There's too many wanting to interfere in personal choices and decisions. Weddings and funerals can open up all sorts of anxious moments.

I would stay out of it. Look at it from your future DiL’s point of view. She and her fiancé have made their choices about who will be part of their wedding and now MiL is hoping to persuade them to change these arrangements because she feels it is unfair.

In my experience, men are much less inclined to analyse relationships and worry about perceived slights than women are, and I wonder whether your middle son broached the subject or if you raised it with him because you felt upset on his behalf. When our children are small, we make sure they treat each other fairly, but once they are adults and become partners/spouses/parents they have other loyalties and I don’t think it is wise to try to orchestrate relationships between grown men. If they are close, they will be able to speak frankly to each other without falling out, and if they are not particularly close (or don’t feel strongly about it) then there is no problem.

I would ask eldest son if he has considered his brother's feelings in not finding a role for him and then take a step back. My DS had a terrible time choosing his best man. On one hand he wanted his best friend but he was rubbish when it came to organisation. He also wanted one of his brothers who he is particularly close to but he worried about upsetting his other brothers. He picked BF and his BB only to find he had upset his BIL who he had been close to before he married his BS. Eventually he asked BIL to join the others in the role. I think the last decision was probably the wrong one because they were quite a way down the line when he joined them so he felt left out. I think trying to please everybody actually ruined it for DS so the actual person who should have had what they wanted, didn't get it. Fortunately, DS is not one to make an issue of it and now everything is back to normal...for a while

I have three sons and although they are not pally pally due to work commitments and own lives this cropped up at my eldest sons sons christening when he asked youngest son to be godfather I knew middle son was upset but didn't say or do anything as I was confused what to do they didn't fall out about it but I do think it changed middle sons conception of family life, very complicated ! My husband has stepped in on a couple of occasions and smoothed things out . You always feel their pain even if no words are spoken.

None of my kids speak to each other and havent done in years so theres no family get togethers, no invites between them. I was used as a go- between and I put my foot down and told the kids if they want to know anything contact the sibling concerned, I let them all get on with it.

isn't it time we stopped being so scared of our own kids that we daren't ask them a direct question? Sons and DiLs have to respect our right to an opinion and to say it nicely. better that than recriminations down the line. even if middle son is too busy, he shd be given a formal role...eg asked to be usher or whatever. If the future DIL doesn't like that, tough. Up to middle son....she's the newcomer and shdn't be allowed to push out middle son ( assuming he'd welcome some kind of token role ....even offering advice on seating, decor, cars, whatever ). This is a matter or manners and being inclusive.

"I tend to think that it is better to talk about things that upset us rather than leave them to fester and cast a shadow over a relationship."

I think it's better not to get upset about who one's brother chooses for his best man. Better to be an adult about it, recognise such unintentional hurt (OP said they'd always been friends; friends assume good motives in each other) as unreasonable and swallow it.

Leave well alone.

My son had two best men at his wedding.

I think the son who feels hurt should mention this himself to the son who is marrying - not in an accusatory way but just to explain that he feels a bit upset and wants to put his mind at rest that he hasn't been excluded for anything other than practical reasons.

I tend to think that it is better to talk about things that upset us rather than leave them to fester and cast a shadow over a relationship.

I disagree about keeping quiet You seem to be worried that something is wrong between the boys and as their mother isn't it natural to ask if there is a problem.

If there seems to be a problem tell them how sad that makes you and please sort it out before the wedding as this I a a special happy family occasion and you want everyone To be happy. You are their mother and how ever old they are they will listen to you. Maybe they feel their brother has left the party scene and is playing families.

Also it would be normal for the brother organising the stag night to include his brother in making the plans however inviolved he maybe with his child. I presume he is invited.

You don't mention their father, could he not have a word.

I am sure every thing is ok and they will reassure you.

If it were me Id not say one word.
Whatever you say could be
misunderstood/misconstrued and leaving you feeling frustrated or even hurt.
"Leave it to the guys to sort it"
is my advice. Enjoy the Day too !!

If you speak to your eldest and he changes his choices they are meaningless anyway. He has already decided his preferences. Weddings eh!

Who did your middle son have as best man?

In the scheme of things weddings are unimportant.If your boys have been friends all their lives,they will continue to be when they are married.They will support each other in difficult times and it won't matter a jot which one was best man.

Butt out.

My instinct is to stand back and let them sort it out. Messengers nearly always get the blame.

I'm with thatbags leave well alone otherwise it could escalate into some worse. And you don't want to be seen to be the interfering mother. As time goes on I'm sure they will come together.

A friend of mine has twin sons. The groom asked his best friend to be his best man and of course he sat at the top table. The other twin did say he didn't mind but odd comments made at the reception, he sat with us, showed he did. Could the groom not ask his brother to be an usher ?

Do men get offended so easily? I think they are more practical than that

It is usually the bride who makes most of the choices so there my not be much for middle son to do to help.....he has offered so obviously brothers talk and I suspect younger one was chosen as he is still out there socialising and knows the best places and on the day will not be busy with his kids at the reception.

It is was it is. Interfere at you peril just assume all is done from the best of motives.

I'd keep well out of it LyndaW. If the middle son has offered his help, it's now up to the bridegroom to come to an arrangement with him. My DS1 had a good friend as best man and I don't think DS2 was in the least offended.

I think I'd ask in terms of trying to understand, being very careful not to imply critiism. My guess is it hasn't occured to the bridegroom to be that he may be upsetting anyone, perhaps an usher position or delegating a specific organising task would deal with any tension? Hope it settles, weddings should be happy occasions (smile)

I totally agree, nevertoolate, a quiet word now might stop any upset escalating.

Oh, weddings. Don't get me started. Might start a new thread actually instead of hijacking yours as I wouldn't mind some advice. Good luck.
From what you say your middle son is hurt so I would advise addressing it now. Agree with what others have said that it's almost always unintentional miscommunication rather than malice but best to nip in bud before it escalates.

It seems understandable that the younger one, who hasn't got the responsibilities of a young family would be the choice, especially maybe for the stag! (knows all the best places still!) and more time on his hands. But the line in your post that made me feel a little worried, is that your middle son seems to be a little upset about it. Which indicates the 3 boys haven't talked. If you feel you have to say something (I do agree in a lot of ways, best to keep out of it, but then as a mother, I am guessing you want to try to head off a falling out between your lads), I wonder if you should say to your youngest (without breathing a word that middle son is upset), 'Have you chatted to 'eldest' about 'you' being the choice for best man? Has he talked to 'middle' about it and explained it's because he's got a lot on his plate with family?'. Then 'youngest' may have a mention to 'eldest'. It's lack of communication often that leads to 'assumptions' and bad feeling. If they had a chat about it, may find eldest would say 'Oh middle, I just assumed you'd have too much to do mate, so I asked youngest'. Weddings do seem to bring out problems don't they. When they should be such a happy occasion. Hope they sort it out without any bad feeling. I would hate it if my 3 boys fell out. It's unlikely though, as they're usually united ganging up on me! I like to have a purpose in life!