missing grandchildren

All I can say is that I feel it too. I don't have any contact with most of my grandchildren, and I no longer send birthday cards as I now know the cards I was sending didn't reach them.

Frankly I think it's worth sending her/them a letter requesting regular contact during school holidays (keep a copy) for a few days, either with or without parents. If ignored or not given then get legal advice. The courts usually decide in favour of grandparents (believe it or not) as family contact is important for kids. Your son is perfectly able to do exactly the same and if he could prove she was unbalanced might even get a residence order. Life doesn't have to be dictated by others and with such a poor relationship already you can barely make it worse! And it's not as expensive or difficult as you might imagine. So far the kids only have her version of things and their experience of non existent GPs (sorry to sound harsh) so show them how much you really do want them in your lives and you'll feel far less wretched for trying. Good luck n hugs

thanks again - especially to Smileless2012. I have lovely friends who sympathise with me but only people who are going through this can really understand how devastating it is.

I also find that friends have stopped talking to me about their grandchildren as they don`t want to seem insensitive - but I really don`t begrudge them their happiness

Keep a little steady stream of tiny gifts and cards flowing their way - birthdays, christmases, every other month or so. Situations change sometimes very unexpectedly and if this were to happen then you will be well placed. It happened to me too - my son's previous partner forbade both him and their child to have any contact with me at all until he left her. 4 years down the line she seemed to change her mind, and now I do see my 4 year old grandson. You never know. Keep hope alive in your mind with the intention that things will work out. Never say die. You never know. Big hugs to you.

This kind of thing is becoming more and more common . I do think that in the future there will be something in place to allow GPs to apply for visiting rights , it is just so heartless and cruel to deny children the love and support that Grandparents can offer . I had a period of a year when my Son broke up with his partner when I was not allowed to see my GS , it was to punish me for my son ending the relationship . I see him now regularly but the relationship was damaged and we have never got that real closeness back that we had .

I was so sorry to read your post eddiecat and I know exactly how you feel.

Sadly we're estranged from our son and his wife, have been for 4 years now, and so aren't allowed any contact with our GC. The eldest now four and a half we haven't been allowed contact with since he was 8 months old. The youngest 8 months, we've only ever had passing glimpses of. They live just 350 yards down the road.

The situation has become so intolerable that we are soon to leave our home of 28 years in the village we've lived in for 30.

On their birthdays and at Christmas we send a card. I buy 2 of each and the other is for the memory box I've left them in my will. Sometimes I write poems for them and if we see a little gift age appropriate at the time, we buy it. We do all of these things so one day they'll know we loved them and thought about them constantly.

I've found that doing these small things does help deal with the pain of not being a part of their lives. We too experienced both physical and mental illness but did find these small acts helped.

As has already been said, you have to try and move beyond this. Focus on what you do have in your life and make the most of it. I hope that one day our GC will find us and if they do, they'll be able to look through everything in their memory box and know that they were loved by us.

If that never happens, at least they'll know that the GP's they never met and who are no longer here never forgot them.

I hope that your situation improves. Sadly you're not alone and I've received an enormous amount of support and understanding from others going through the same thing.

There's another thread in this forum 'Support for family members cut out of loved ones lives'. I know you'll be made welcome as it's a thread I regularly post on and don't know how I'd have coped these past 4 years without it.

Take care, I wish you well.

I am so sorry to hear that you do not have regular access to your grandchildren. If you feel you cannot send gifts and you can afford it I would open accounts in their name or buy Government Bonds or something that will accumulate for them to have when they get to 18 or 21. This will show them that you thought about them throughout the years when you didn't get to see them. It will also be money they, as adults, control. You could make up a keepsake box for each one with birthday and Xmas cards in it and perhaps items they would like as an adult to give them when they are adults. Again, it shows you care. In the meantime when you do get to see them give them a fun time and when, at an appropriate age, let them know how to contact you on social media. Keep yourself cheerful by filling those boxes with lovely surprises.

My heart goes out to you all advice as been given hope you get to see the them soon ?

How sad for you, this goes on all the time now,lots of grandparents hardly ever get to see their grandchildren or like you a few times a year. I do hope something can be done to help you there is lots of good advice on this site anyway I won't add mine only to say good luck hope things may change for the better sometime.

I moved last year to be nearer to my DD & lovely GS - we are about 10 miles apart but with school & after school activities I don't see
much of my GS although my DD comes over more frequently. At the moment I am not allowed to drive (medical reasons) but hope to have my driving license back in a few months time which will mean I can go & visit at the weekends if GS social life isn't too booked up. I do feel sorry for any Grandparent who has restricted access or is denied access to GC.

My Mum (GG) misses out as she lives 250 miles away, she is 87 so travel is difficult, she will only get to meet by GS for the 3rd time when DD goes up for a holiday this summer

I am now 67 and never hardly knew my dad's parents (mum's were dead when I was born). She did not get on with her MIL. I saw them only a handful of times as they lived a few hundred miles away. They died when I was 10 and 12. At that age, I did not miss people I did not know, thankfully.

Later, as an adult I moved to where they had lived in my dad's old home town. From my cousins there, I found out about them and was very unhappy that I never knew these lovely people. I have pics of them which I found after my parents died, which had been hidden away from me all my life. It was exciting but poignant to discover my dad as a child in many photos with his parents (they had the luxury of having a camera in the 1920s and 30s!) I had assumed that there were not photos considering the times they lived in.

So, even if you are estranged from her and the GC now, later I think they will want to know you as they get older, as another poster said, and your son will be able to arrange that. Give him photos of him with you together as a family when he was young to share with them. Tough, if 'she' does not like it, there is nothing wrong with doing that.

Take care and look after yourself hugs

Sorry eddicat78, I fear I have offered advice - which I realise you didn't want.
Apologies.
I do hope things slowly but surely get better.

Yes, I think cards, notes, photos, little gifts of stickers etc are a good idea.
Things that cost little but can be sent often. My parents used to send these to my daughter (aged 3) when we were living in America. She just LOVED to get them.
I know that you say they may not get through - but I'd still send them, just in case. Address them to the children, not the parents. Make them harmless and jolly, send postcards so if the children run to the postman they will see the pictures (and their own name)...

If your son is afraid of her, of upsetting her, maybe he needs help. It sounds like it may be a situation of coercive control to me. Maybe if you do have contact with him you could point him towards new.mankind.org.uk/
or
www.mensadviceline.org.uk/

If he wants to leave, as others have said, he WILL be able to get to see the children so long as there are no reasons not to. It may be a fight but he doesn't sound very happy at the moment from what you say.

Good luck!

I do sympathise eddiecat; having half my grandchildren in Australia I grieve for them now that I am not well enough for the trek out there. That is in spite of the fact that I am in daily contact with my daughter out there and manage to be as 'close' to the children as is possible in the circumstances. Incidentally I had a poor relationship with her husband for taking her away so young but I am over that now as ten years on he clearly adores his family and that's everything to me.

I love the idea of a journal for the children when they are older. I made scrapbooks for my own children which they still, in their 40s, like to browse through. Why not chronicle life events, like birthdays and the preparations for the wedding for instance with pictures and photos. If ever I go into town I buy postcards for my grandchildren and I photograph everything so they remember the house and the garden, their cousins and places we went to when they came to visit. I won't let them forget anything! It may seem pointless if you think you won't see the children for many years but believe me they will appreciate it one day and it could be fun for you to do.

I am so sorry for all grandparents missing their grandchildren. I secretly envy my friends with all theirs around them but I know plenty more who don't have that joy.

I am so sorry to hear about your story but you do really need to take legal advice on this as by law you are entitled to reasonable access as a grandmother.

I am very touched by everyone`s kind thoughts and wishes. At the moment d-in-law won`t allow the children to skype us etc but I don`t think she will be able to control what they do on facebook etc when they are older. She does like to control everyone around her - it`ll be interesting to see how she manages when they are stroppy teenagers!
Thanks again for taking the time to reply - I was very low yesterday but today feel buoyed up by your kindness

Also, do you have Skype? My sister's daughter lives in New Zealand and my sister has two grandsons and a granddaughter on the way - they see each other every week via Skype.

I do hope things get sorted out for you and your husband.

Anne x

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My heart goes out to you. Why oh why are some people so very cruel and hard? It makes my blood boil when I hear of a parent who ‘won’t allow it’ – for the children to see their grandparents. And, as for the mother having a hold over your son in that he fears if he leaves her she will prevent him from seeing his own children – she has no right at all. They are his children too! Of course, the only way that a mother or a father can prevent the other from seeing their child/children is if that particular parent poses a risk to the child! Sadly, in my experience, in a lot of cases, the mother (if she is particularly not a nice person) will do everything in her power to have a hold over the father using the children and normally the paternal grandparents simply do not exist in her eyes. It makes me so very very angry. However, I do understand you not wanting advice with regard to their relationship. That is for them to sort out.

Okay that said, I think if I were in your position I would write letters / cards / gifts and perhaps ask for telephone contact to your grandchildren once a week? If she is not agreeable to that perhaps request telephone contact once every two weeks? If she is not agreeable to that perhaps request telephone contact once a month, etc etc etc. After a while maybe you could ask to have grandchildren stay over during school holidays? Don’t give up. Unless she has proof you and your husband pose a risk to your grandchildren she simply is being ‘nasty’. I do not wish to add fuel to the fire, but of course it could become another court issue matter – that would be up to yourselves if you wish to take matter further. I really do have strong emotions about this sort of situation – how dare these people think they can simply use innocent children as a tool to get their own way!!!!! Please let me know how things progress. Thinking of you.

Anne x

My only grandchild is in Australia but I have been very lucky as I FaceTime her almost every week. I even read her bedtime stories. I often feel very sad that she is so far away but then I remind myself of the great life they all have in Australia.
It is so sad when a parent will not let their child experience the wonderful relationship that grandparents can have with them.

Four of my beautiful grandchildren live over 300 miles away from me, I genuinely feel your sadness and pain at not having that physical and social contact with them, it hurts all of the time. My only suggestion is to try to maintain contact via social media sites? Email, text, calls and Skype? If these aren't practical for you, the only possible comfort you can gain is that they are loved, happy and healthy... very stark comfort I agree, but maybe all you have! Also trust that your son can permanently assure them of how much you love them. There will come a day when they are able to come to you of their own accord! So do everything at birthdays etc.that you can and share everything with them then. They will know they were so loved by you.
I sincerely hope these lovely people on here can help you and comfort you. Sending you a cuddle ?

So sorry to read of your sadness. In the absence of knowing all the facts and respecting the fact that you don't expect resolution from advice of Gransnetter's I would strongly urge you and your son to take professional advice on the matter. Uncertainty and resignation is bound to make you feel miserable and your thoughts are bound to go around and around compounding this sadness.
As for how to manage your sadness in the meantime, I totally agree with radicalnan. I really hope that you can find some peace soon

I do feel for you, Eddiecat. I see there are some good ideas here, and I hope you'll find them helpful. I wish you well

You can send them jolly postcards and stories about your life and keep copies in case they don't reach them, put them in the journal for later.

It may be that things improve, if not you still have your out pourings of love and a practical log of it and a little fund for their future, always helpful for teenagers. Kids tend to come looking for family, be prepared.

They are a long way off physically so if you have a little fund and get the chance to see them at some point you will be ready to rock.

Don't say anything negative just stuff about love over distances.

You are part of their lives whether you see them or not, contact is nicer but if you can't have that create what you can to give yourself solace and them a record of how they were loved.

I feel so sad reading this... My granddaughter is 18 months old and she lives at her other grandma's house about 70 miles away.
I try to see her at least once every 2 weeks and she comes and stay with me (with mummy & daddy) sometimes.
I miss her everyday that I don't see her and face time with her every 2 or 3 days.
Luckily I get on well with her mummy's side of the family and they have no objections to me going to see the baby anytime and sometimes staying over with them.
So I have a quite a lot of contact with the my granddaughter and we have a great relationship.
The savings account is a great idea; I have one for my granddaughter too.
The journal about how you feel especially on days that you're really missing them is I think an excellent suggestion.
Date it as you go along so when your grandchildren read it when they're older, they'll know how you've always loved them through the years.
I hope you get to see them soon. Lots love.