missing grandchildren

I'm so sorry to read about your distressing situation and my heart goes out to you. I have no advice I'm afraid but hopefully some of the lovely ladies (and men) on gransnet will be able to offer useful advice. I hope things get better for you and your son.

Do you send little gifts to the dgc. Nothing expensive. Something like a book. Or a little outfit. Asda have lovely children's clothes. With a card. Just so the dgc know you think of them. It might make you feel better. So sorry it's like this.

Is it not possibl for you to meet up with them/be in the same vicinity when your son takes them out?
You need to take advice on this. . . .

Thanks for your thoughts. Sorry to sound negative but no, I don`t send gifts as I am pretty sure that things I have sent in the past have been destroyed. And she would not agree to us meeting up without her being there - and if we arranged to meet without her knowledge she would go through the roof after she found out and our son would suffer for it - and there would be no chance of it happening again. This might sound extreme but I do think that she is slightly unbalanced - on the rare occasions that we do meet she acts as if everything is fine - but then won`t agree to any further contact. I think we just have to try to accept that we will have no contact until the children are able to make up their own minds

I don't mean to sound at all flippant, because I am not being, and I haven't seen my GC for two years so I do know where you are coming from, but do you have any pets? Could you adopt a little dog maybe? Or maybe volunteer to go into a nursery or school to do some reading with the children? Are you involved in a church or similar, could you do anything with the children there? Is there a Rainbows or Brownies near you to maybe get involved in or Cubs or Scouts?

There are lots of children around who would benefit greatly from some love of an older generation. I used to go into school and do baking with the little ones when my ED started school. She went on to be a Brownie leader when she went to University so they do need people all the time.

It does sound like you can't change things with your own GC at the moment, it is what it is and so I do hope you can find some peace. Please don't make yourself ill over this or you will be in no fit state if they do want to see you when they get older. Look after yourselves, do things together and try to get pleasure elsewhere and see the GC when you can. Maybe if your DIL realises that you are not rising to her bait, she might relent a bit. One thing I do know and that is that it is not doing you any good worrying or getting upset about it. Your life is going before you, time is plodding on and you should be making the most of it. Come on, be positive, look into getting a pet to cherish, and enquire at some schools, churches or organisations to get out there and enjoy other children. They will love you for it. Proactive, not reactive. Good luck love. Xxx

Thanks Rubylady for taking the time to reply. Unfortunately I can`t take on any voluntary work at the moment as my elderly father needs a lot of support. I am fortunate that I have very good and supportive friends and my daughter is getting married next year (to a lovely man!) so we do have things to look forward to. Most of the time I am alright but every now and again the sadness comes to the surface and then I feel that I can`t cope with anything. It does help to know that other people are in the same situation

I do feel for you, but please know you are not alone in this situation, which I hope will help a little.
My younger son has made his life in Australia. His younger daughter just had her 4th birthday and I haven't held her since she was 15 months old. Their baby son is now 7 months old, and I wonder if I will ever get to cuddle him. But I do speak to them with "Facetime" quite often, and at least the children do know who I am, so I try to be grateful for that.

What about keeping a little diary for them not every day but a little journal of how you miss them and wish things were different.

They will find you later and you can share it then. Writing gets stuff out of your system too so good for therapy.

I would also have a small savings account for them, put a couple of quid in a pot every week,the money you would have spent on them if they were there, ice cream money, n one can stop you loving them, or getting them treats you carry on doing all that and they get the benefits later.

When they re older it will help them to understand a very difficult situation and how they were never out of your thoughts.

Thanks very much Radicalnan - those are very good ideas. We don`t get many photos but I do keep all of them in an album and hope that someday I will be able to show them that we were always interested in what they were getting up to

I feel so sad reading this... My granddaughter is 18 months old and she lives at her other grandma's house about 70 miles away.
I try to see her at least once every 2 weeks and she comes and stay with me (with mummy & daddy) sometimes.
I miss her everyday that I don't see her and face time with her every 2 or 3 days.
Luckily I get on well with her mummy's side of the family and they have no objections to me going to see the baby anytime and sometimes staying over with them.
So I have a quite a lot of contact with the my granddaughter and we have a great relationship.
The savings account is a great idea; I have one for my granddaughter too.
The journal about how you feel especially on days that you're really missing them is I think an excellent suggestion.
Date it as you go along so when your grandchildren read it when they're older, they'll know how you've always loved them through the years.
I hope you get to see them soon. Lots love.

You can send them jolly postcards and stories about your life and keep copies in case they don't reach them, put them in the journal for later.

It may be that things improve, if not you still have your out pourings of love and a practical log of it and a little fund for their future, always helpful for teenagers. Kids tend to come looking for family, be prepared.

They are a long way off physically so if you have a little fund and get the chance to see them at some point you will be ready to rock.

Don't say anything negative just stuff about love over distances.

You are part of their lives whether you see them or not, contact is nicer but if you can't have that create what you can to give yourself solace and them a record of how they were loved.

I do feel for you, Eddiecat. I see there are some good ideas here, and I hope you'll find them helpful. I wish you well

So sorry to read of your sadness. In the absence of knowing all the facts and respecting the fact that you don't expect resolution from advice of Gransnetter's I would strongly urge you and your son to take professional advice on the matter. Uncertainty and resignation is bound to make you feel miserable and your thoughts are bound to go around and around compounding this sadness.
As for how to manage your sadness in the meantime, I totally agree with radicalnan. I really hope that you can find some peace soon

Four of my beautiful grandchildren live over 300 miles away from me, I genuinely feel your sadness and pain at not having that physical and social contact with them, it hurts all of the time. My only suggestion is to try to maintain contact via social media sites? Email, text, calls and Skype? If these aren't practical for you, the only possible comfort you can gain is that they are loved, happy and healthy... very stark comfort I agree, but maybe all you have! Also trust that your son can permanently assure them of how much you love them. There will come a day when they are able to come to you of their own accord! So do everything at birthdays etc.that you can and share everything with them then. They will know they were so loved by you.
I sincerely hope these lovely people on here can help you and comfort you. Sending you a cuddle ?

My only grandchild is in Australia but I have been very lucky as I FaceTime her almost every week. I even read her bedtime stories. I often feel very sad that she is so far away but then I remind myself of the great life they all have in Australia.
It is so sad when a parent will not let their child experience the wonderful relationship that grandparents can have with them.

My heart goes out to you. Why oh why are some people so very cruel and hard? It makes my blood boil when I hear of a parent who ‘won’t allow it’ – for the children to see their grandparents. And, as for the mother having a hold over your son in that he fears if he leaves her she will prevent him from seeing his own children – she has no right at all. They are his children too! Of course, the only way that a mother or a father can prevent the other from seeing their child/children is if that particular parent poses a risk to the child! Sadly, in my experience, in a lot of cases, the mother (if she is particularly not a nice person) will do everything in her power to have a hold over the father using the children and normally the paternal grandparents simply do not exist in her eyes. It makes me so very very angry. However, I do understand you not wanting advice with regard to their relationship. That is for them to sort out.

Okay that said, I think if I were in your position I would write letters / cards / gifts and perhaps ask for telephone contact to your grandchildren once a week? If she is not agreeable to that perhaps request telephone contact once every two weeks? If she is not agreeable to that perhaps request telephone contact once a month, etc etc etc. After a while maybe you could ask to have grandchildren stay over during school holidays? Don’t give up. Unless she has proof you and your husband pose a risk to your grandchildren she simply is being ‘nasty’. I do not wish to add fuel to the fire, but of course it could become another court issue matter – that would be up to yourselves if you wish to take matter further. I really do have strong emotions about this sort of situation – how dare these people think they can simply use innocent children as a tool to get their own way!!!!! Please let me know how things progress. Thinking of you.

Anne x

Also, do you have Skype? My sister's daughter lives in New Zealand and my sister has two grandsons and a granddaughter on the way - they see each other every week via Skype.

I do hope things get sorted out for you and your husband.

Anne x

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I am very touched by everyone`s kind thoughts and wishes. At the moment d-in-law won`t allow the children to skype us etc but I don`t think she will be able to control what they do on facebook etc when they are older. She does like to control everyone around her - it`ll be interesting to see how she manages when they are stroppy teenagers!
Thanks again for taking the time to reply - I was very low yesterday but today feel buoyed up by your kindness

I am so sorry to hear about your story but you do really need to take legal advice on this as by law you are entitled to reasonable access as a grandmother.

I do sympathise eddiecat; having half my grandchildren in Australia I grieve for them now that I am not well enough for the trek out there. That is in spite of the fact that I am in daily contact with my daughter out there and manage to be as 'close' to the children as is possible in the circumstances. Incidentally I had a poor relationship with her husband for taking her away so young but I am over that now as ten years on he clearly adores his family and that's everything to me.

I love the idea of a journal for the children when they are older. I made scrapbooks for my own children which they still, in their 40s, like to browse through. Why not chronicle life events, like birthdays and the preparations for the wedding for instance with pictures and photos. If ever I go into town I buy postcards for my grandchildren and I photograph everything so they remember the house and the garden, their cousins and places we went to when they came to visit. I won't let them forget anything! It may seem pointless if you think you won't see the children for many years but believe me they will appreciate it one day and it could be fun for you to do.

I am so sorry for all grandparents missing their grandchildren. I secretly envy my friends with all theirs around them but I know plenty more who don't have that joy.

Yes, I think cards, notes, photos, little gifts of stickers etc are a good idea.
Things that cost little but can be sent often. My parents used to send these to my daughter (aged 3) when we were living in America. She just LOVED to get them.
I know that you say they may not get through - but I'd still send them, just in case. Address them to the children, not the parents. Make them harmless and jolly, send postcards so if the children run to the postman they will see the pictures (and their own name)...

If your son is afraid of her, of upsetting her, maybe he needs help. It sounds like it may be a situation of coercive control to me. Maybe if you do have contact with him you could point him towards new.mankind.org.uk/
or
www.mensadviceline.org.uk/

If he wants to leave, as others have said, he WILL be able to get to see the children so long as there are no reasons not to. It may be a fight but he doesn't sound very happy at the moment from what you say.

Good luck!

Sorry eddicat78, I fear I have offered advice - which I realise you didn't want.
Apologies.
I do hope things slowly but surely get better.

I am now 67 and never hardly knew my dad's parents (mum's were dead when I was born). She did not get on with her MIL. I saw them only a handful of times as they lived a few hundred miles away. They died when I was 10 and 12. At that age, I did not miss people I did not know, thankfully.

Later, as an adult I moved to where they had lived in my dad's old home town. From my cousins there, I found out about them and was very unhappy that I never knew these lovely people. I have pics of them which I found after my parents died, which had been hidden away from me all my life. It was exciting but poignant to discover my dad as a child in many photos with his parents (they had the luxury of having a camera in the 1920s and 30s!) I had assumed that there were not photos considering the times they lived in.

So, even if you are estranged from her and the GC now, later I think they will want to know you as they get older, as another poster said, and your son will be able to arrange that. Give him photos of him with you together as a family when he was young to share with them. Tough, if 'she' does not like it, there is nothing wrong with doing that.

Take care and look after yourself hugs