missing grandchildren

I think the journal is a great idea - I know that when my difficult teenage years struck, it would have been lovely to receive proof that someone was and had been holding me in their heart.

heartbroken we don't think we'll ever see our GC either but you never know, maybe your's will seek you out and ours will find us too.

Are you still in touch with your son? Perhaps through his access to his son, you will get to see him again. I hope so.

My grandson is nearly 3,I have seen him for 11 hours when my son visited from Canada last year. His marriage has broken up,his wife wants nothing to do with me,we were once close. I am too ill to fly,and most probably will never see my grandson again. It tears me apart,affects my health and I cry every day. So sad for everyone posting that feel's as I do.

Reply to phizz

Nice to read that you Dearly love your Great Grandson. It is sad that often nowadays people live busy lives, and see little of some family members. I think maybe in the past we valued and Respected our family more. I can recall us having a close relationship with an aunt who did not stay far from us. We spent happy times visiting her, we had toys there to play with. We regularly had meals and afternoon tea with her. She had friends who visited, some had a dog. We so loved pets. These happy memories live on, and are treasured. That aunt also had a close relationship with Greatnephew, who also treasures times of going to the local park with her.

I so wish that families would make a point of sharing quality time together, particularly with various generations.

Your Daughter in Law sounds a Treasure.

Reply to eddiecat78

Love knows no distance. It is understandable that no matter how far away your loved ones live, you love them just as much.

I am saddened to hear / read of the circumstances regarding your family dynamics. As children are people and should be Respected. A loving family can be such a bonus. It is sad tha your Daughter in law seems to behave in such a self - centred, controlling and possessive way.

Unfortunately for you I believe you are well aware of the sadness, and loss this negative behaviour has caused you to feel. All I can say is that it is how it is :- Sadly.
But maybe for your own health etc you need to use your time, thoughts in a way and place that interests you. Maybe something that you find relaxing, fun. As you seem to need some joy in your life.Also it may benefit your son for him to know that you have some happy, joyous moments :- whether that be volunteering. A hobbie etc. You could share the memories of your positive experiences.

Maybe you should consider speaking to your Doctor, as he may know of activities within your community which you could become involved with.

I wish you well.

There's a book called Turnaround by Byron Katie, and a very brief synopsis would be "arguing with reality is what causes stress", which is why I advocate focusing on your own life. You'll only hurt your own knuckles by knocking on a locked door. Hugs to you.

She sounds like a female a Rob Titchner! She'll control the post so your lovely grandchildren probably wouldn't even see the cards and presents.
Dogs are great philosophers, aren't they.

I seldom see my beloved GGS even though they live just a very short way away from us. I know his daddy has to work but do so wish his mummy would pop round with him on the odd occasion. If it wasn't for my dil bringing him round for an hour now and then we wouldn't see him at all. We can't go down ourselves as neither of us drive any more.
All I can say is thank god for facebook, where we can at least see his lovely little face now and then.
It breaks my heart.

she did start off wanting to control son too - broke up his relationship with his brother - didn`t want him seeing his friends - fortunately for us her continueing unreasonable behaviour has destroyed all the love that he had for her and so he does still want to see us. I don`t think I could cope at all if I was in your situation.
Borrowed dog belongs to dear friend - we march about the woods putting the world to rights!

Well that describes our d.i.l. to a 'T' eddiecat and sadly for us it isn't just the children's relationships she wants to control, but our son's too.

Hope you enjoyed your walk, whose dog did you borrow?

I think you could be right Disgruntled. The fundamental problem with d-in-law is that she doesn`t want the children to have any relationships that she doesn`t have control over and if they keep getting parcels from me she will have to explain to the children who the parcels are coming from.
Funnily enough, I went for a walk this morning - with borrowed dog!

Dear EddieCat78, I'm so very sorry to hear this. It's agony, I know. I have reservations about sending presents, cards etc: I think that might just irritate their mother. ive found counselling invaluable, and I also give myself treats like massage and reiki, both of which get the endorphins flowing. I focus on work and when not working I go for walks in the wood which I find very therapeutic, especially when I borrow a dog.
Good luck and I send you warm hugs. X

Just want to add that I have a necklace with her name on it that I wear everyday, and it helps me to feel closer to her. I will pass this onto her one day.
My love and hopes go out to everyone X

My heart goes out to you. My son has access to his little girl on Sundays, so I'm very lucky that I can spend time with her then, but not having contact with her mum means she has a life that I am no part of, and that is my secret sorrow every day. It's heartbreaking when all you want to do is give love and its thrown back in your face.
Advice? That's a hard one. I love the idea of a diary and pocket money - I may start this myself. I would also be wary of going down the legal route as its all very woolly, and it may ruin relations forever. Just be yourself, a loving grandma, ready to step in whenever that may be. And don't do or say anything that can be used as ammo later on. Think of the long game. I find that a really good cry once a month or so, giving vent to lots of feelings helps me get through.
Yes, I agree that it seems as if everyone else has a perfect family, but just look at all these posts. Seeing them actually did help me, as it made me realise that I wasn't alone. Hopefully your son will find the courage/finances to break free, and he definately can go down the legal route.
One more thing to get off my chest?......I get sick of some of my friends talking constantly about their gc and looking at me with pity as if I'm some freak! One of them always tells me she would just go round and take her out without taking no for an answer, it's as if they think I can't really be bothered! Well sod off the lot you, you have no bloody idea you thought less cows! Ooo, feel better now! X

It's been so sad, reading posts from GP's who for whatever reason are being denied regular or any contact with their GC.

I wish that all of these parents could read the posts on here and other threads, and see the pain they're causing, see the error of their ways.

Their children's welfare should be upper most in their minds and what good does it do their children to be denied the love their GP's have to give.

Mr. S. is cooking our evening meal and I've just gone into the kitchen for a. He was standing there crying for the son and the GC that we've lost.

So much pain, so much heart ache and oh so unnecessary.

I have several grandchildren, some live close by and others hundreds of miles away. I see them all except one. He was my first grandchild and when my son and his wife were divorced my dgs was only 7. He is now in his 30s. I used to write to him twice a year with all the family news but I don't think he ever got the letters. I sent money for Christmas and birthdays but the cheques were never banked. I have lots of photos of him upto the age his mother took him away but only one of him age about 11 or 12 that I think his other grandma sent anonomously. I tried to get in touch with him last year but with no luck.
It took me a long time to get over losing him and probably I will never get used to not having him in my life, but I know I will always love him whether he knows it or not.
I wish I had thought of having a journal for my dgs and kept copies of my letters to him and filled it with news of other family members for him.
It is so sad that grandparents lose out when distance or divorce happens. Children need all the love they can get and to deny them their grandparents is hard on everyone.

Sadly Grandparents have very little 'right' to see their grandchildren, and it can be a very difficult situation. would your DIL allow you to contact the children by Facetime or Skype? Would it be possible to arrange a family day out for you all if you arranged to visit them? I know you are a carer but you can apply for respite care relief which would let you go away for a day or so and know that your father is still be cared for whilst you were away.

Dear Eddiecat78, it's all so sad and I really do understand your great sadness. I haven't seen my twin grandchildren and my step granddaughter since last Autumn and that was the one occasion for the whole of last year. My son's ex-partner wanted to do a "deal" with me, whereby I could see them when she sanctioned it and when she wanted me to drive to hers to child sit during the summer holidays but never to let them see my son, their dad. There is no room for negotiation and I just can't do that to my son. He and the kids have suffered so much from her.

Oh eddiecat, my heart goes out to you. I have been excluded from my granddaughters life for eight months now (she is 4, going on five). Here (BC, Canada), all decisions are made "in the best interests of the child", and unless the grandparents are obviously not fit, contact with grandparents is supported by the courts.
But the process is long and arduous and is designed to keep people out of court. Starts with mediation by court appointed mediators, then on to judge facilitated mediation, before a final court date.
After eight months, with the help of a wise, amazing judge, and the support of my Granny Army of friends, and the support of his father and stepmother, who have also been excluded from her life, I hopefully will be seeing my granddaughter for an hour on Saturday.
I know the agony you are going thru. My heart broke anew every day. ?

So sorry for you. I too am restricted seeing my grandchildren after my son left his wife. He also is restricted. We do however get to see them each week. I am allowed to see them at my DIL's house with her present. I treasure the time with them. It's very sad when children are restricted from having contact with their families. I wish you well. They will always be your grandchildren nothing will ever change that.

I, too, can sympathise enormously with your predicament. (My own grandchildren live in the middle of the USA and I get to see them less and less as the cost of flights rockets!) There seems to be some good 'advice' (which you didn't really want!) from the Gransnet community, so I hope things improve for you. I, too, feel physically sick most days from missing my darling grandchildren. It's heartbreaking....

My heart goes out to you on so many levels, having read through most of the replies though there is some good advice, I think the diary is a really good idea because I know from bitter experience with my stepson when these children are old enough to make up their own minds they will most definitely see how very evil their mothers actions where. My husband and I have been Very lucky with his Son after him being poisoned for years by his Mum, last year on my 60th birthday he told me how much he loved me and that he was sorry for the way his Mum behaved for 16 yrs. Also l too am estranged from two of my grandchildren because my daughter is 200 miles away, it's difficult to see them in a regular basis and can also be very expensive so I don't see them as often as I'd like to, also my daughter is at present expecting her 3rd baby so I won't really have much to do with him/her and worry if they will really know me. However, I am very good at compartmentalising my feelings because I know l can't change this situation it is what it is. Please be assured that you are not on your own in this situation, stay positive and remember one day these children will have minds of their own. I wish you well xxxx

Why are people so cruel?Not only to you but the GC as well.I am in almost the same situation and I can't seea solution.I know how hard it is.I am very involved with my friends grandchildren and thst really helps.When you have all this love to give share it with your friends GC and it will help you too.xx

My good friend had this problem with her grandchildren. DIL refused to let them have any contact with my friend her son or the children's maternal GPs.
When he turned 18 this year the eldest turned up on her doorstep and has moved out of his mums home and reconnected with the rest of the family.

Knowing me I would tend to turn up on the doorstep with gifts etc. and discuss the problem face to face. I agree that you should continue to buy presents and cards and give them to the children next time you see them. I cannot imagine how you must feel, or how it must be for your son because he knows how much his children need their grandparents, and vice versa. Keep going, pamhill4 seems to be the person I agree with most.