Should I approach my son about how he speaks to his wife?

My BIL frequently speaks disparingely about his wife in front of us and I always say something as I think it is offensive.
For instance she rarely drinks and I have hardly seen her drink alcohol. We are at their house and are offered a glass of wine, he makes jokes about her being a drunk. Etc.

Their house is pretty chaotic but it is his house as well and I don't see him cleaning up....
So I think the post should support her DIL at the time the horrible things are said. If he says his wife hasn't done something, his Mum could say' well neither have you!

I would be inclined to ask your DIL on her own whether that's normal behaviour and if she is OK. It's a sign of potential (emotional) abuse and I don't think you can stand by and watch it. She needs to know you don't condone it. And I'd speak to your son direct (not mentioning your conversation with your DIL as this may place her at risk) - and then I would follow the advice of mumofmadboys and interject at the time

If I was there when he said it I would definately say something- maybe in a slightly joking manner firstly. I would also compliment her when he was there & if this fails I would have a quiet word with him but then I know I could do that with both my sons. I think I might even tell her to give as good as she gets if you have a good relationship with her. My DH can be a bit ascerbic at times but I go straight back at him especially if it is in company. He thinks he is being funny but I'm not putting up with that.
It's disrespectful & she shouldn't have to put up with it. Maybe remind him he was brought up to be kind.

An extra comment:

My mother in law spoke to me in front of my husband when she saw me upset. I think she said something like "Take no notice of him! He is just causing trouble again." And then told him off for upsetting me. They were both not the sort to take offence and my husband was happy she defended me. If you speak to your DiL alone there is the danger your DiL will then tell your son and what you said might then get misinterpreted.

Good you are concerned and you will find a way.

Thanks again to you all. Getting a wide variety of views is exactly what I had hoped for because the way to handle this is as different as the people involved. While I would agree that in an ideal world, we should be able to talk about this, finding the opportunity is the issue. When we're together, there are always others around - and when he rings, it's usually at the end of the day when I know he's tired and, psychologically, the timing wouldn't be right.

I notice a lot of people say not to e-mail, but we email a lot, about a lot of things, so an email in and of itself wouldn't be unusual...and I DO think he's more likely to reflect on what I say if he can read and digest it in private (and I'm more likely to say it diplomatically if I have time to think about it and then send it. I have a draft I'm working on. I would never send anything in haste.)

I hadn't thought of talking to my DIL, but I might try to find an opportunity to do that. She never says anything at the time when it's happening (maybe she lets him have it later...I don't know), but I want her to know that she has my backing if she makes it plain that his comments are out of order.

If you have bought your son up not to be rude to other people even his own wife which I am sure you have, then you should mention it to him quietly and on his own and remind him.

I have a similar problem with my son. Whether he be my son or not I cannot sit by and let him disrespect my daughter in law. I spoke to him about it and he told me hadn't realised how he sounded. Think it can become a habit, andsometimes needs pointing out to that person.

HildaW and mumofmadboys That's exactly the way I'd handle it, with humour, but putting the point across. "Shall I hit him for you, A, for talking to you like that?"

Anya I know what you mean... same with my DIL/Stepson. In the past she used to say that it kept their passion alive and the make-up sex was amazing. DOH? But now they have a baby who is old enough to hear and feel the bad vibes from the arguing. DGC does not see the make-up afterwards, so she only knows the arguing/nagging bit. I worry she will think that is the way to get things for herself in life, arguing and nagging.

I totally agree mumofmadboys. I would feel able to speak to my son about it. We are quite close but also have feisty arguments from time to time and then are completely back to normal afterwards. At first he may disagree with me but I often notice he takes notice afterwards!

I would advise against e-mailing. It is very easy for a written message to be taken the wrong way, and comments intended to be reasonable and sensible can be misinterpreted as insults. Just think how easily this happens on public forums!

However, I think you have a responsibility to make sure, at least, that your DiL is okay. As has already been said, if he criticises her in public, what does he say to her when they are alone? It can be difficult to live with someone who insists that their way is the right way - I know, I married one...However, if you have an equal relationship, you put them in their place quickly enough. From your description, it sounds as if your DS belittles his wife in public - and maybe in private? - and she accepts it. Perhaps her self-esteem has been eroded. Perhaps she believes he is right and that she is at fault. Whatever is happening, it doesn't sound good and I think you need to talk to her even more urgently than you need to speak to him.

He is your son. You have a good relationship. Yet you can't speak openly to him when he does this, you have to consider your response and even think about sending an e mail.

You say his knee jerk reaction would be to tell you to mind your own business and then he would apologise to you and he has to be forgiven. The texts books call that rewarding bad behaviour.

Tell him to apologise to his wife not you and stop doing it. Point out if he carries on like that he won't have a wife and if you can't tell him as his mother who can.

I know my mil was supportive of me and made me see things differently, so I learnt to stand up for myself. My husband and I are approaching our Golden wedding. Any put down in company would mean my husband would get "The Look" as he calls it and on our own he would put straight immediately. So in the end you need to encourage your DiL to to sort him out and stand up for herself.

Final word, don't many men think they know how things should be done, OK let them do it themselves. I love my husbands cooking, I wish he would complain about my ironing!

Another final word, I did find that this critism could be related to stress.

Get your husband, your son's father, to speak to him about how women should be respected.

There's a spectrum. At one end is banter, at the other is coercive control.

I'd be interested to know how your DIL reacts when this happens as I don't think it has been mentioned. I, personally, wouldn't mention it in an email as something written down can be taken in the wrong way, however careful you might be with the wording, and is out there forever. I agree with radicalnan's idea of humour.

I can imagine how the DIL may feel - embarrassed.
Like others have said - if it happens again in front of you - maybe say something like 'ouch'
He's probably not even aware he's doing it

Humour.........use humour, when he criticises her for something, say 'I'd have done that' or come up with some anecdote of one of your own mishaps.shows solidarity and will make him think, without being 'spoken to'.

We are all human.

I think you need to speak at the time not to email.

I have a folder of emails from different family members. The folder is labelled 'emotional blackmail' These emails were their views on my care of our mother. Their emails to me and letters to her GP stressed me while I was looking after our mother and have as a result completely spoiled my retirement relations with what I thought was a lovely band of brothers and sisters. I am now cautious and polite and keep in touch but do not visit much.

When I say speak at the time I mean try to find a light hearted response that praises your DiL. Don't criticise people just focus on the bhaviour you son has picked up on. And say something like 'Oh I think its nice sometimes to do things differently, it makes me feel relaxed!'

Good luck.

i would if was my DS. I would say something next time he did it in front of me, but so much depends on the tone, we ( DSs & I) have always had a bit of banter berween us but I would never dot it to DH or DD as it's not their personality

There are children involved and therefore if he speaks that way in front of you he will have no issue in doing it in front of his children.
He is an abuser.
If he loves his wife then he needs to be told that his manner is breaking her and it is showing his children that it is OK to be vile to their mother. Rendering her useless in front of people is a nasty abusive manner and no one especially a loving wife and mother should not have to put up with.

I would say something, he may be unaware of how he is coming across and has got into the habit of putting her down. I was at the receiving end of criticism and it erodes your confidence little by little.

Do you not have that look that mothers give their offspring when said offspring are doing something wrong – a look that brooks no denial and freezes the bones? If so, revive it, practise it in the mirror and use it as appropriate.

If I was present when a particularly nasty remark was made, I would say something straight away, and if it continued I would talk to my son about it.

I'm not not quite sure what constitutes "serious" abuse but if remarks are continually being made that undermine a person's confidence, making them feel useless and worthless, that would be sufficient for me to consider it serious.

I don't consider it as interfering. People like this are being disrespectful to me by talking like that in front of me.

Agreed.