Husband says "He's Had Enouh"

Can't believe you think that is the way forward Pollengran, we have moved on hopefully from those times. Wives are no longer appendages to their husbands. Better to be on your own than with someone you are not happy with, I speak from experience.

trueblue I think you have done the right thing, standing up for yourself and then negotiating. As you say he is trying to make an effort and you are offering something in return.

It may be that once he realised he couldn't just boss you around and expect you to cave in, he realised that far from his threats bringing you to heel there was a real chance that you could separate and he could end up living on his own, looking after himself and as I doubt that is what he really wants, he is realisng that it is in his best interests to make things work. Just make sure he isn't just trying to charm you back into submission and be prepared to continue being assertive.

Trueblue, it sounds as though you are both making an effort to sort things out. Would you not consider couple counselling again? I am a great believer in having a professional, detached third party to help weather these storms, or to help figure out whether it in fact is just a storm...

the husband seems to have retired too much too soon without any interests or hobbies to occupy his mind. My son is 67, retired, just got a degree from the Open University, plays in a jazz band, plays golf, secretary of Historical Society and runs an online consultancy business.He and his wife have been happily married for 47 years. They also look after their three small grandchildren. She has her hobbies and activities.

trueblue just wanted to say I started writing my earlier post before you posted your latest update - got interrupted! Good for you sticking up for what you want. At least it sounds like he wants to make an effort to improve the situation. Perhaps you could think of some ways for him to become more active out of the house. If he relies on you too much to do things with, you could end up having the same problem in another three years. I know how hard it is though for some men to make new friends by doing something new. My DH is like that.

Stay together and turn a blind eye. Many older (or rich) couples do this, and have a happier relationship in the end. You don't want to be getting into all that splitting everything up, selling houses etc. It is far too much trouble. Separate rooms, and Sunday dinners with family is the sensible thing to do in my opinion.

Thank you true blue and good luck what ever you decide.

I think many of the posts on here are very anti ' the husband' considering we have only heard one side of the story I just think his expectations of retired life are very different from yours that doesn't mean he hasn't ' developed ' as you put it but you have grown in different directions You either meet in the middle which means sacrifices on both sides or part and give him the chance to meet someone who does want to be with him because when I read your posts I don't think you really deep in your heart want to be at home with him you want to be out there exploring the world without anything holding you back Nothing wrong in that but you have to be honest with him and yourself or else resentment for you both is just there bubbling under the surface

ajanela, you have made some very valid points.

I'm being pragmatic at the moment. We've both invested 34 years into this marriage and I can see DH is trying to come halfway into reignitng the friendship. I'm not perfect and have emotionally cut out at times, wanting to persue my own interests. So I see his point of view. He probably has been lonely for companionship.

I didn't marry until I was 30 and understand wht it's like to be lonely. We both don't have much family, so are family to eachother. We have children & grandchildren, so have to try to make things work for their sake.

As he said, he's more of less stayed the same (I say not developed) and I've changed considerably recently.

Anyway, as I said earlier, it's early days and I hope we can weather this latest storm.

Trueblue what do you expect from a marriage.

Reading all these comments you seem to have a very busy social life with a wide range of friends and interests but you don't really want to spend time with your husband or have any interest in being friends with him. I expect you spend many hours at home on BBO as time passes very quickly on that website. So ever when you are home you don't spent time with your husband or show an interest in him.

You can be friends and enjoy time together without it meaning he controls you or you are bending to his will. Now you are both retired isn't it normal to enjoy some of your time together and not spend all your time engrossed in other interests.

He might be grumpy because he is in pain and lonely. He obviously expected to spend some time in retirement with you. You say he should not expect you to change but if you want a marriage then there will have to be some change on both sides.

People have said he should find out what it is like living alone and I think you should also? Can be very lonely coming home to an empty hoiuse however busy a social life you have but it suits some people.

I feel for you, I really do, so here's my take on it, given that I was in a similar situation. My first reaction is: So, you patch it up this time and stumble on until the next time he throws another tantrum. Is that how you want to live the rest of your life?
I agree that you need independent advice so you know what could be possible financially. But, you sound like an independent woman who is not afraid to do things on her own so, if you can, take a week away somewhere peaceful - hotel, cottage - and take time to think. Removing yourself from the situation will also send your partner a very clear signal that you have choices too. Try to work out whether you could live on your own, whether you want to live on your own, work out the money, etc, and the possible attitude of your family, and then don't be afraid to do what's right for you. Maybe that means struggling on with this unappreciative, jealous man; maybe there is a new start waiting for you. It sounds like you have a loving family who, if they understood the issues would support you ( without necessarily taking sides).
It can seem impossibly difficult to start over at our time of life, but it is possible and, for me, was far better than spending another twenty years with my miserable, hyper-critical, booze soaked ex. I do hope you find a happy solution.

Sorry OP but I think he sounds like a right charmer. Not. Like so many men,he wants to have his cake and eat it. Wants you to shop and cook and clean for him and provide all his home comforts but with minimal input on his part.

Its a good chance for you both to 'reset' your relationship. Sounds to me like he regrets his outburst! Good.

The nub of this kind of problem is the longer you have been part of a couple, the more of your life has been invested in the partnership. The decision to start over can be more than some people can face.

trueblue22 the fact that you went for counseling a few years ago for the same problem must tell you something. I suspect you have tolerated your husband since then, hoping things would improve. I also suspect his suggestion is his way of getting you to toe his line or be the one to end your marriage. He probably doesn't consider the latter to be a possible outcome of his suggestion, but unconsciously that's what he's doing.

I completely agree that at your age you need to think about what you want your life to be like in 10, 20 or 30 years from now. I also agree that you need legal advice and given his occupation, you should know other divorce lawyers, so choose one who he worked against, not alongside.

I would go ahead with the family party as it will be good for you to be around those who love you. You need to think about yourself right now. You might decide to stay with your husband, but you do need to know where you stand legally and financially if you decide to call it a day. What ever you decide, best of luck.

So, and I'm sorry to say this, he's got what he wanted...you changing your life and giving him more of you!

Take care and try to remember - he's a charmer and they always know when do just enough and say the right things...believe me I've met them and even cynical old me got suckered good and proper!

Good luck! Hope things improve .

Thanks for all your comments everyone.

Well, what a difference a couple of days make. Yesterday (D?)H said he would help me with the shopping for the party. Then actually carried in the shopping, which he rarely does. Said we should learn to be friends again i.e maybe cut down on my outings for a while and spend more time together.

I told him in no uncertain terms that I enjoy my hobbies & seeing friends and won't be locked up in a gilded cage. I said I've developed, even though he hasn't, but I'm happy to give him more of my time for a while & see. I said that even though I understand he is in pain with his bad back, his negative, grumpy attitude made me want to stay away. Who wants to come home to a grump! He asked me where I'd live if we divorced and he told me I'd probably do well on my own. Yes, I think I am self-sufficient and would manage soemhow.

Without prompting, he also ordered a takeaway Chinese to eat on the beach (we live on the coast). Today he's been very solicitous and affectionate. I don't know how long it will last, but at least he's trying- in his own clumsy way. He will have to woo me back over time, but at least we're talking and being honest with each other.

Watch this space!

Strangely, I feel quite empowered that I've stood my ground over my needs.

I think when we all reach our 60's there is no longer any excuse not to notice that there are a large number of men who have never had their normal (by their standards) attitudes to women challenged and have no use for an independant woman.
Its the same old chestnut - women have no independant right to exist as human beings, but just be there at the service of what so-called men demand.
How utterly insulting to objectify a woman you are supposed to love, by demanding sex with nothing in return. Then expecting you to perform like a hired help and entertain visitors.
File for divorce and make sure you get your half of everything.

Violette.....I thought my life was colourful,but you have put it in the shade!
It is easy to be trusting when you are a trusting person yourself,but there are men (and women) out there,and especially on the internet,who claim to be whatever they choose.
I guess none of us wish to highlight our weak points.
You may well be happier on your own in a mobile home.Some are actually in nice green areas,but don,t burn your bridges.
Forgive me for being blunt,but he is 83.
What I do find concerning about your post,is his nastiness towards you,and threats with a hammer.
Though he has dementia now,he was not the best towards you from the outset.
Don,t feel guilt if you choose to move on.

Oh dear ...been there, done that, got the T shirt and the video ! First husband ....left at age 40 (mid life crisis !) for younger version. I was working for a divorce lawyer at the time. Long story short ..got together all the receipts for things I had paid for, including the deposit for our first house, his first car (we were 22 and 23 then !) ....his clothes, work things (in the end he had a good job as a director of an Ins. broker in the City, earning a very large salary) ....but, he was a compulsive gambler and sold all our wedding presents, took out loans I knew nothing about, sold our daughter's toys etc at car boot sales ....even took the drinks from the cabiinet and bought a book of raffle tickets to raffle them in the pub ! In the end, not long after he had left me (and yes, I told my lawyer I was taking everything ....and when he sent the papers back I sent them back again, as he had not included the contents of the house as well as the house itself, and half the various insurance policies) ...well, I did give him the music centre !
I moved hundreds of miles away where I could afford to buy a lovely new house outright ...knew no one, had no job ..daughter had to leave private school (could not have afforded that anyway and the judge at the Strand divorce court in London said would he be paying the school fees ?) I said he said he would pay maintenance and fees, but he never paid a penny ! Cost me an arm and leg from my meagre salary to chase him ...still nothing, until he was threatened with prison for non payment (but by then he had four more children, had been sacked from his job for embezzelment ......and threatened by various thugs for owing money ) .....normally, when this had happened and he was still married to me, I would, like an idiot, go straight to my bank and take out money for him to pay the thugs ! Wish I hadn't !

Anyway, next one, thirteen years engaged, (he lived in Essex, me in Notts) ....put names down for new house being built in Lincolnshire ....I had a call from agent saying they were making appt to view MY house to part exchange it ! Oh no you are not ! .....he had previously done this to a different 'girl friend' (we were in our late 40s by then) and she had ended up in a small leaky mobile home as he pulled out of the deal, her having sold her house ! ...forewarned is fore armed, so I said right ....on your bike !

Next one (ok glutton for punishment !) ...widower, late 60's living in Menorca ....'met' him through Dateline mag ...never physically met him ...put house on market, sold in one day when board went up .....gave in notice, flew out to meet him ....got engaged....went back to UK, signed sale of house documents, and gave all furniture away to daughter ....for three years life was wonderful ! He told me his late wife had a stroke and had been three years in a wheelchair and how he had looked after her. I thought how marvellous ! what a lovely man !.....another long story short ....too hot in heat wave summer, so moved to France ...he loved to work, all summer, winter, autumn and spring on renovation ....told me I had to make life for myself, he was not there to entertain me. When I did, he was not too happy ...always finding something he MUST get me to go and shop for, etc ...he became very controlling and began to tell me I was mad, stupid, ignorant, and the rest !
Long story short again, diagnosed with early onset dementia and Narcissistic personality disorder (very difficult to live with, but at last I had a reason for his behaviour) ....now he is 83 and I am 68 and things are very difficult. He can no longer drive, but wants to go 40k there and back to the DIY shop ....gets there, can't remember what he wanted. Go for coffee, go home. Afternoon, remembers what he wanted..... MUST go now ...whatever else I have to do ....shouts and screams at me ...last week he threatened me not once, but twice, with a hammer in a rage because I said it was not a good idea to be trying to paint the shutters in 37 degrees .....he refuses to listen to anyone ....his daughter no longer comes to visit, on the last occasion he was really awful to me (I am quite thick skinned, so I can take it, even though I would rather not !) ...she told him to stop ...he just told her I was mad, stupid, cooked inedible food, etc ..........I have been criticised for the things I say about him as I use humour to be able to cope ......

If I could, I would leave, but I cannot afford it, I have to save my money to pay all the bills, taxes, new kitchen, new heating system, new boiler ...he prefers to spend his income on himself....and if I dare to buy so much as some new undies, he says why do I need that, ....meanwhile buying 6 new pairs of pants, getting home, trying them, saying they are useless and throwing them in the bin ....shoes, slippers, trousers, everything ...then wanting to go buy more ...and then asking why we have no money ! So all my savings have gone .....he takes no responsibility for anything ...I don't know how much of this is due to his health and how much is him just being nasty ......he is now like a three year old, throwing tantrums and sulking for days (yipee ! it's quiet and no DIY shop !)

Like the OPm everyone outside the house thinks he is a sweet little old man ....until they hear him shouting at me ...they have then said to me How on earth do you live with him ...I couldn't?

BUT ...what to do > Catch 22 .....cannot even go on holiday anymore and leave him (he refuses to go out anywhere except the DIY shop) and certainly refuses to go on holiday ! My doctor says it is not good for me (I have health problems too but don't make anything of them !) ..and should she find him somewhere else to go ? but as I understand it, 'somewhere else to go' would come at a cost I couldn't afford !

Just found a little mobile home in the UK for 288 pounds a month ...probably a dive on a gypsy site ...but would I be happier ?

SO .....go see lawyer (citizens advice, or a drop in law centre if you have a nearby one ....when my daughter was training as a lawyer she did a stint at one so they exist ) ...they should be able to advise you what you would be entitled to in the way of benefits, etc, and certainly part of his pension and the house. If , as you say, you sold your own flat to fund the purchase of the house (and still have the proof of what you have put into both the house and the marriage ) you have a good leg to stand on. It matters not that your husband was a divorce lawyer .....get a sharper one ! Just read in paper that lawyers are getting tough on divorce settlements ...but I think that applies mostly to those women who demand 75 000 a month for designer handbags, etc !!

Tot up what you have spent over the years, furniture, household stuff, bills, etc ......did you give up work when you had your family for instance .....and stay home looking after them for some years ?

It is a very sad thing ....but you must stay strong and work through it. Once he understands you cannot live in the same house under his new 'rules' and intend to pursue a divorce or at least a legal separation, with the intention of claiming what is by right your entitlement, and start leaving studio flat brochures about, he may realise this is serious and come to his senses .....suggest he take a holiday on his own somewhere .......for a month, or rent a separate place to live to see how he will cope with everyday living and all it entails, on his own .....(if you have enough money to live on without him there .....or ask if, when he tries his trial separation, he will still pay bills on the main house, since it is his decision to live separate lives ?!)

Saga still on going !! Expecting criticism ! Can take it !

The clue here is that you have become your own person and that's what he does not like. He wants to continue to control you. He is living in cloud cookbook land if he thinks he can get another her woman to control. Many women would wise up to him. Here's an idea. Tell him you have thought it through and that you are willing to house share for six months and then review it.

Of course he must do his own cooking and washing and share household duties. Let him fend for himself for a bit. Meanwhile, you join more clubs as a semi free agent. Make friends, have fun, and let him to sort himself out. Although you won't be out of sight and mind, it will show him you ca cope and enjoy life. In a few years time with technology the way it is, you could buy him a robot wife who can fulfil his needs?

Sorry Dara my comments were for the OP. I don't know what to say about your post.

Is this a storm in a teacup? Might it have been a disgruntled outburst after being turned down? He might even be regretting saying what he said? It could even be useful as its made you both really think about your lives as they are and how they could be. Good luck.

My husband said today that he does not love me any more.

But don't move out whatever you do...