Husband says "He's Had Enouh"

How sad for you - might you be able to list his shortcomings so he knows that the lack of satisfaction is not a one-way street?

We all have our shortcomings and hopefully over the years we learn to rub along together and to value new and different aspects of being together. We all change and we all have to adapt.

I am a bit puzzled as to what he is actually asking for here - he does not want to leave, nor for you to leave; he says you "can stay in your house" (how generous!) but live separate lives. If he is not affectionate in any way then it sounds as though that is the status quo. He's just had his grumble, and is trying to ensure that he still gets all the shopping and cooking done!

If he is not happy with how things are, then he should agree to marriage counselling so that both of you can have your say and look for a way forward. If he does not want to do that, then I guess he knows in his heat of hearts that he has his limitations as a husband and does not want to either face up to that or do anything about it.

I notice that you give no indication of whether you love him - that has to be a crucial factor.

He sounds a right charmer. So basically-he wants a glorified au-pair? But not a meaningful relationship?

I sympathise, being in a similar situation myself. It's not nice.

Have you looked at your finances? Is there a way you could umm..move on?

Just wondered (sorry to be a bit blunt btw) if there's another woman perhaps?

PS He does not have the right to ask you to live a lie for family and friends - that is unreasonable.

Oh trueblue22 you poor thing....all this dumped in your lap, I suspect you are in shock and your head is spinning.
You need a chance to calm down and get into a frame of mind where you can sit down with your OH and really talk this through properly and perhaps that might eventually mean with a third party involved.

I suspect he has conflated his thoughts and that what he feels is the tip of an ice-berg and has probably taken a long time (and string of events) to develop.

I suspect my OH and I could have been in your position had we not had a bit of a 'do' and frightened ourselves with the alternative....separate lives. We now jog along pretty well, affectionately, friendly, respectfully, lovingly but without sex.
Your OH cannot have it wholly his way....if he wants to re-write the 'terms' of your marriage it has to be in such a way that you both can accept the arrangement. Basically he cannot have it both ways. Either he wants to stay together...and all that involves....or he wants to be apart. You have your wishes and you should be able to say what you want.
It might be that you will have to live apart/divorce but it has to be a joint decision, not one foisted upon you.
I'd be inclined to do what I did several years ago when I felt it was all too much....I cancelled immediate commitments....phoned a good friend and went and stayed for a few days where I could just talk if I wanted to or just walk and get my head around what I wanted to say.

I wish you all the best....but you really need to put yourself first, take a break and assemble your thoughts and wishes for your future.

This must be a dreadful shock. Ask him to cancel the party and tell he needs to say why. Suggest that you both both go to something like Relate or private counselling if you can afford it or if it's available. To be honest you sound a fairly normal wife and if I dare say it traditional. There are lots like you.

p.s. gettingonabit has a point......I've known of several cases where all the tosh spouted by the OH was really code for....I've got a bit on the side!

Thank you all for your comments. Very helpful at this time. I feel so lonely bottling this up.

We were in a similar position about 3 years ago and went to counselling. All was good for a while, but I know deep down he would prefer me to be a different person.

i always found him a bit controlling and have come into my own since retiring. I enjoy what I do but always feel guilty that DH is at home continually mowing the lawn etc. When I come hoem from being out he always has a grumpy look on his face.

He just asked me if I still want to have the party, and quite frankly it's more hassle to cancel. I can't face dealing with having to explain current position with family & friends. DH even suggested getting more provisions at the Cook Shop. Also by DD SIL and GS might be coming down and I down want to worry DD as she's recently pregnant again. It seems easier o keep the status quo until I've come to terms with what he's thrown at me. As you say, I'm in shock at the moment

PS Definately nothing on the side from him. He's nearly always here and I have checked his phone.

If anything he thinks I have as I'm always out!

Unless this is just a spat over a bit of bad feeling (one day/evening out too many and a cold supper again). I would cancel the social occasion. Could end in disaster anyway with the way you are feeling, as you could get emotional.

Get him to ring and explain.

If it isn’t just a cruel spat. My instincts tell me he’s got interests elsewhere but is keeping his options open until he sees if it works out.

But then he has a bad back. Hmmm. Wonder how long he’s had that and if it’s actually been an excuse not to have relations with you anyway.

There are a lot of things here that would come out in discussion but are not so easy to fathom on GN.

If you want to save the relationship, then suggest, as he is so fed up and instigated this in the first place, you go to Relate. If he refuses, he doesn’t want to save it.

Check your finances and make sure you’ve got your backside covered if that’s the case.

Luckygirl. You sk whether I love him. We've been married 34 yea and currently I'm not 'in love'. I feel deep resentment and haven't liked him for while because of his moods when I've enjoyed myself.

I suppose I do love him deep down but he's killing it with his attitude. I can't even phone my adult childen without him complaining that I should do it when he's there as he wants to speak to them. If I happen to contact them when he's not, he asks why I couldn't wait.

I suppose I've put up with this for so many year and have tried to be mindful of his feelings that I've had to suppress need to be in more contact with them. He has a son from a previous marriage and is always on the phone to him. I get on very well with my step-son btw.

You can't be a different person. You are who you are.

People who cheat have two phones.

How is he doing all that mowing with a bad back.

You've admitted you're out all the time, so how do you know where he is.

Could be he is a spoilt brat who is at home all the time, expects you to be and jealous of your active life. You haven't said if you've been married many years and if your DD is both of yours. What will she make of this.

Something doesn't add up really if you've been married many years.

Mid life crisis?

Sorry, posted then saw your thread. You have been together many years. And have children plus one from his previous relationship. Doesn't really alter the problem though. You need to have it out with him. He can't expect you to live like that. Some people do however, and are happy with it. Consider that option. You'll have all your freedom. If he's stuck at home all the time, what will alter?

Well he could be trying to get you to pay more attention to him and is bluffing about the separate lives. Im in my mid 60s and nobody i know is a traditional wife, whatever that means. Or he could be very unhappy with himself and trying to displace that to you. Lots of talking needed, little at a time if necessary. Sex wise, even Sting ( he of tantric sex fame) said he was more or less urge free after 60. I would only partake if i wanted to, if not Im sure men know how to sort themselves out.

I woukd definitely cancel the weekend do by saying one of us was ill. Be gentle on yourself and him. If you love him, stick with it, take everything he says with a bucket of salt and good luck.

breeze. We've been married 34 years. DH is intelligent, attractive and a natural charmer & flirt, but I know him well enough to know he hasn't gone as far as an affair.

I'm not unattractive myself but would never do anything/ have never done anythig throughout this marriage. I'm certainly not a drudge.

I suppose I'm not the quiet, pretty girl he married any more. ven then i the late 70s I had a good job and owned my own flat.

You are defending him now. Take a step back and remember how you started the thread. He has asked you to live separate lives and you are not happy about it.

Thank you all for your comments. Really helpful. It's making me feel a bit better about myself.

I'm was always so frightened of 'rocking the boat' but now feel like calling his bluff and saying I will carry on as before as no one controls my life.

He is right in that one of the reasons I go out is that he can be so boring to be around sometimes & I need it for my mental health. I sometimes feel I'm just the au pair & cook.

trueblue22, in one of your earlier posts you said I always found him a bit controlling and have come into my own since retiring.

This, I think, is the nub of the matter. He thinks it is his right to control you and everything you do and resents you asserting any independence.

To me, his request that you live separate but together is another example of his controlling behaviour. He wants a nice stay at home wife whose only interest in life is serving him. I doubt if he has any desire for the marriage to break-up because he would then have to live on his own and look after himself, the last thing he wants, and his chances of finding another woman prepared to give up the whole of her life to serve him is very remote indeed.

He is hoping that by demanding this separate but together life he can intimidate you and make you so afraid of him taking another step forward and asking for a separation that you will knuckle down, give up your outside interests and subsume your life into his.

Call his bluff, go and see the Citizen's Advice Bureau (CAB), a solicitor , or possibly even Age UK (previously Age Concern) and take advice about your rights, to the house, money and benefits and then call his bluff, say that separation while together is unacceptable, that you want a complete separation and you would like him to move out. The last thing he would want to do. He will either take up the offer, proving that that was the way he was heading anyway (but, no doubt, with you moving out) or he will become more conciliatory and you will be the one in control.

Monica I see your point. Unfortunately DH is a retired lawyer who specialised in divorces. I have no chance. He will run rings round me.

Oh dear.

... But it wouldn't hurt to find out precisely what you are entitled to, including benefits. That will include your right to legal representation with, I think, your legal fees being paid out of the family assets.

If the worst happens put your faith in another divorce lawyer and refuse point blank to discuss anything with him, make sure everything goes through your lawyer.

Does he really mean it about separate lives or is he upset you are enjoying your retirement and are busy. Is he feeling left out? Was this a one off conversation or have you discussed it for a while? Is he trying to make you cut out some of your activities so you are more company for him? Could he be depressed? I would go ahead with the family occasion and keep this situation to myself so not cause any upset for pregnant daughter. Do you have a close female friend you can confide in? Just take a day at a time and see how things evolve for now.

This reminds me of a friend whose husband preferred staying home and pottering around the garden but who was jealous of the fact that she had an active social life of her own. She would invite him to join her in whatever she was doing but told him she wasn't going to give up her friends and hobbies just to suit him. I don't think he is happy about the situation but likes the comfortable lifestyle they have together so puts up with it.

So sorry trueblue, you should both be enjoying retirement and it's good to have different interests. As others have said, sounds like he wants his cake and eat it. You need to have some time to yourself to think things through and come to terms with it all.. You shouldn't shoulder the burden alone, cancel the dinner party, tell your daughter you have some issues,she is an adult and can cope. Sort out what it is you want for the future and put yourself first for once.

mumofmadboys I think you made some very valid points.

I feel I don't want to cancel the lunch. I will cope somehow, as it's more hassle the other way.

I asked DH to come along to a quiz at my bridge club yesterday, which he did. I also asked him to join me at a political party conference in October and he says I probably don't want him there. Would rather be there on my own...he's not wrong there...especially at the momment!

I've included him as much as possible in my independent life. I feel he's finding excuses for alienating me.

s mentioned earlier, we went to a Relate counsellor 3 years ago- about te same time of year- and patched things up. But obviously his deep resentment of my independent hobbies still smoulders