Husband says "He's Had Enouh"

Set up your own email address. Sharing one with him gives him too much access to your emails and allows him to be in control. Remember the reason you asked me to post here.

Reading totally between the lines I think he sounds lonely 'for you' Men are notoriously incompetent about saying what they are really feeling his seeming 'control' may be fear and not knowing how to get back what he feels he's losing
Men also think sex will make everything better (silly boys)
To be honest again reading between the lines you sound like you don't really want to be with him as a person but want the security of the marriage so maybe his suggestion of staying together but not togeher is his clumsy way of trying to sort things for you both
You say after 34 years he should be used to you, but he perhaps was when you were all working, he now has to find his way around a new set of rules, you out and about without him, without to his mind a valid reason ( before work was valid) obviously you don't want to sit in twiddling your thumbs I think you need to decide if you love him enough to make any sacrifices and that would need to be more than one day out of seven basically If you love him you would want to find a way maybe you no longer love him and then a clean break at whatever age is best all round

You say he wants you around more but you also say he says he doesn't like you. He doesn't sound as if he knows what he wants at the moment. Perhaps you need to decide if you want the marriage to continue . If you do could there be one or two things you do together,possibly new things? eg game of Scrabble at home or trips to theatre/ cinema? Or a new interest such as a U3A group? Try not to take things he says too much to heart.We all lash out at those we love the most when we feel low or unfulfilled.

crafting He doesn't seem to be depressed. He says he enjoys pottering around at home & taking the dog out. He's very gregarious when with friends. He just says he wants me around more.

I suppose he could be lonely when I'm not there. My 'problem' is that I've a low boredom threshold and like to walk or do something interesting. I'm not very good at pottering. Even when I relax I'm usually on the laptop with the radio on. After 34 years, he should have come to terms with my personality. I have his.

I am sure all the other posters are right in their advice but one thing puzzles me. You say he gets upset when you phone your children when he is not around and says he wants to talk to them too. Why do you phone them when he isn't there? He is made to sound controlling and demanding (which he may well be) but perhaps he's lonely and depressed. You should not adapt your life to fit round what he wants but is there some compromise to be had? Is it worth suggesting he goes to see a GP and perhaps gets some anti depressants?

So, what is the " bottom line"?

Do you really want to have him in your life? Or would you be happy if someone could wave a magic wand to let you start again?

So many people are afraid to let go of the "security" that being part of a(n imperfect) couple provides. Would it be so terrible to go it alone?

I have a friend who was involved in a horrible situation, but she decided that her " bottom line" was that she wanted her family to stay together. She did what she felt she had to do, and, 20 years on, they are a happy family.

Agreed totally that she needs professional advice- and not from one of her DH's friends. But generally speaking- this is the case no, re 50% of house and pension.

granjura divorce is complicated. It's rarely a split down the middle. But the dh in question will know that, being a divorce lawyer!

The OP needs to take legal advice to establish the best course of action for her.

gettingonabit:

assuming the house is jointly owned, it would be very difficult to get him to part with his share.

Why is that? I have absolutely no legal knowledge- but in the case of a divorce after many years- isn't the wife automatically entitled to 50% and 50%of pension too?

ajanela sadly I agree. He seems charming enough-to everyone but the OP.

Flirty? Scheming manipulator more like.

Jealousy and control are key words I think and I think he feels he has lost control of you.

If he wants you to live in the house and leave separate lives, he can't expect you to cook and shop for him, otherwise it will be much the same as it is now. I suppose at the moment you do socialise together.

Your comment he use to be a divorce lawyer is a bit worrying and it is important you know your rights.

Warning!

Unfortunately I think there are a lot of attractive ladies out there who would be very happy to care for your husband and wait on him hand and foot in return for a comfortable home and living with a retired solicitor who is intelligent, charming and knows how to flirt.

anya assuming the house is jointly owned, it would be very difficult to get him to part with his share.

I agree that the OP needs to think carefully about what's at her disposal. She's probably going to be in shock for a while. I'm guessing it'll take a good while for her to absorb the ramifications of what her "d" h has said.

hilda yes to bullies having fragile egos when it suits them.

OP hope you're ok and posting that posting your dilemma is helping.

Oh well, maybe living alone for 25 years has its merits !

Sell the house. Use your half to move back closer to your adult children and enjoy your life without this boring old man.

P.S. I heartily agree with what vampirequeen says...its how my darling Mum 'lived' her life. A life that lead to three children having very damaged upbringings, but that's another story.

vampirequeen what happened to you?

Funny how 'delicate' certain peoples' egos can be....when they can be blunt and bullying.

He wanted sex yet is talking about living separately yet apart? There is a lot going on here and only you know the true position and what you want out of your life.

Love is important, as is friendship and companionship but there are two other things that will always stand a couple in good stead...and believe me I know from experience......they are Trust and Respect. Without these two any couple will grow to resent even loathe each other and that's never a recipe for a future life together.

He's trying to bully you. He wants you back under his control. You have a life. He has chosen not to have one.

If he wants separate lives then let him have it and see how long he wants it for. That means you only look after yourself. He has to do his own shopping, cooking, washing, ironing etc. You are his wife not his servant. If he doesn't want a wife then he's on his own.

Do not bow down to him. Once you give into emotional abuse in order to keep the peace, the abuser will then move the goalposts and you are on the slippery slope to total control. Believe me I've been there.

Hugs

I m trying to sit on the fence here as obviously we only have your side of the story My first thought was it sounded as if you were just 'fitting' him in not really wanting to do things with him as you highlighted in the political night when you said you were glad he didnt want to go and 'fitting' him in to your busy schedule would stop you from feeling guilty at doing stuff without him Maybe you have just outgrown each other and as you have grown in mid life he has retreated and you've got too far apart.
You dont really want to have sex with him and he seems to prefer the dog for his kisses and i guess the dog wont object It all sounds sad for him as well as you ...is counselling a choice or would he poo pooh that It does feel that you both need some movement if you want to stay together or a completely clean break
Two separate lives under one roof will NEVER work in my opinion

He might of blurted out a lot of things without really meaning them trueblue. Act normally and carry on as usual and perhaps suggest you have a heart to heart next week after the family gathering. Thinking of you.x

Well - I guess he does not like you when you say no! But that is just tough. He is too big a boy to stamp his foot and demand his rights!

Sex is not really the problem. I just got annoyed with him because he wanted a 'leg over' this morning without any affectionate cuddling beforehand. Said I didn't want to feel like an object. Then it all came out about him not liking me.

Sorry to be so blunt, but mens egos can be very delicate in that regard!

I'm sitting it out for the moment. Have just offloaded onto a sympathetic friend, which helps me feel stronger. She knows him and can ascertain his motives. Thinks it might be a sort of depression and late mid life crisis.

I think the family lunch party will help break the ice a bit with us, as DH always cheers up when his family & friends are here.

It's a coincidence that the last time we discussed seperating with in July 3 years ago. It must be something to do with the summer!

Can I ask what went wrong in his previous marriage?
Was is that Previous W was not traditional enough for him.
Has he ever discussed with you how he went about the divorce.
I only ask as it might give you some pointers as to how his mind works.
Could be a help if you do decide to part.
Do you have a trusted friend in your circle of friends who is also a lawyer?

Be careful though if your H is a 'frustrated bored' solicitor he will enjoy the divorce settlement process especially the 'look how clever I am

I speak from a similar situation of a'Lawyer Divorce' in my family