Support for those estranged from family members. Moving on together,

Smilless you are so right bless how do thes estranged kids square it as u say?

In our case ed decided she didn't have old childhood and I abused her, noon will ever know how desperately that upset me and I quizzed our son as to why she would say that, he was as bewildered as me. We used to row as she got older, and I did should lose my temper and also my have smacked her, I never ever hurt her and tried so very very hard to be good mum.

A card she wrote to me in 2008 for Mother's Day last one before shehad little girl said she hoped she could be half as good s mum as me? Does that sound like I abused her?

Why would she want to be so cruel.

However not even responding to my son telling her about his dad having tests for bowel cancer has finally finished me she isn't worth my tears. Her dad worked hard all his life and supported her for 23 years totally financially and emotionally now she doesn't care if we alive or dead.

Yes totally agree smilless why should fathers support little ones if they not good enough to see. Them,

My ED also said she had a horrible childhood. My memories are all happy ones, she was a lovely little girl and always seemd to be happy. It all changed when she was a teenager and we didn't get on too well. My other kids said they had a wonderful childhood. We lived in the country, they had freedom, we played games, made things together and they had lots of fun. My only regret is that I found it difficult to be demonstrative with my love for them because I wasn't brought up to be 'soppy' as my mum called it. I wish I could have got over that sooner but I always felt like my feelings were imprisoned. My parents were wonderful and I always felt really loved but we didn't get cuddles. I eventually made myself 'break out' of that prison and made myself hug my children until it felt natural. Now I do it without thinking. I don't think this is the reason for my ED's behaviour. Depression and paranoia are in the genes in my family - I don't suffer from it myself but other relatives have done. I always feel riddled with guilt that I did things wrong. I do miss my ED as we had so much in common - similar interests and tastes. I get on with my other 2 really well. God being a parent is the hardest job on earth isn't it?

Yes it is UkeCan, the hardest with the potential of being the most rewarding or the most painful.

How strange Ukecan and Celeb that your estranged children lie, and say their childhoods weren't good and our ES says his was yet still treats us like s..t. He's lied about so much, why isn't he prepared to lie about his childhood?

Of course if I could be bothered I'd ask him, but I can't (says she who probably wont be able to get to sleep tonight because that un answerable question will be whizzing through my tired old brain).

Ukcan I agree I miss my daughter so much I always felt we had special bond and after my d husband it was her then my son who were the closest to me IN The world,

How wrong was I ?

I tried to be demonstrative mum my daughter was very affectionate.

SOMETIME S I just can't. Bear that I won't ever see her again, but I have to no choice,
Despite all she has done to us all the horrid stuff I would still want to try to build a bridge, but it is firmly in her court.

Smilelss hope you sleep well I do normally but sadly often wake with panic attacks since the estrangement, I feel stressed and panic that I will die without seeing her again and of Course I expect I will but it devastes me.

on the whole life is good, we off London tomorrow to see Motown, and bookend tickets for London Thursday ?

Was that good idea?

Celebgran I also have Birthday, Mothers Day etc cards telling me what a wonderful Mum I am and when most teenagers were just grunting at their parents she used to come in from school gushing with tales of her day and funny impressions of her teachers and telling me about what her school pals were up to. It seemed to stop overnight and our relationship changed. We still got on but it felt as though she was having to make an effort. So I think she just took a dislike to me over the past few years and now finds it easier not to have contact. We'll never know what goes on in someone else's mind.
Smileless your son obviously cannot deny that he had a good childhood and I suspect deep down knows he is hurting you but his controlling wife is pulling the strings; it is probably easier for him to get through life with a controlling woman if he shuts everyone else out otherwise she would make his life and his kids, a misery. Do you think she has NPD?

Brilliant idea Celeb you enjoy yourselves, you deserve it. Panic attacks are awful aren't they. I'm getting them at the moment and am hoping that when we've emptied our house on Friday, and close the door for the last time, I'll be free of them again.

for you Celeb. TBH I doubt I'll ever want to bridge build with ES, not even if he supplied all the materials. How can you rebuild or repair something that was once so beautiful and has been so utterly destroyed you can't recognise it any more?

Sorry UkeCan our posts crossed; in answer to you question; yes, absolutely. It's very. He does look awful; angry, miserable, unkempt and overweight. If his physical appearance is anything to go by, she's making his life a misery anyway.

What a bloody fool he is. He could have had so much; been happy and had all the support he'd wanted.

It's awful to see your child looking a mess Smileless. The last time I saw my ED she looked gaunt and pale and so thin. She is a very pretty woman though (it feels strange saying woman but she will be 40 soon) and always nicely dressed and well groomed. I've only ever had 1 panic attack and thought I was dying of a heart attack and ended up in A+E. I do sympathise. I am getting constant migraines just now and I think it's because I'm worrying about her forthcoming birthday.
It's good that you're getting out and trying to enjoy life Celebgran. It is important that we try to enjoy things even if there is always that black cloud hovering above us.
My therapy is choir and playing ukulele. I can get lost in these things for a while.....until I go to bed. ??? xxxxx

To aid better sleep I always read in bed and it is good to practice replacing a bad thought with a good one. So when I start thinking about family problems I try to replace it with thinking about something nice and eachtime the bad thought comes I say 'stop - put it away' and go back to the nice thought. It could be planning a day out, or thinking about something I'd like to make or a song I'm learning, or about decorating a room etc. It doesn't always work but it often does. Also did you know that taking Vitamin C at night helps you sleep? A friend told me that and it works for me. G'night girls xxxxxx

Night UkeCan and thanks for the tip, I'll get some Vitamin C tomorrow.

Tesco slow release 500mg VitC x

Hi All- Cataract operation a success and I saw my doctor yesterday and he said I could see better than most the second day out.
Well my mom has assaying that " If you can't see me when I'm alive , don't come crying at my grave when I'm gone." That's exactly what Mr. R said to me the other night... that his son cannot come to his funeral. Not that we are planning one yet.
How hypocritical would that be anyways?

" Smileless* The sale of your home seems complicated. Is it different than in the states? I sure would hate not knowing about the sale for so long but glad you have a back up plan. It's so nerve wracking.

My DD is going thru a divorce and now an eviction as her landlord refused to fix the electricity as there is none in the DGC rooms so they held back their rent. But being that her husband is a drunk and smokes weed constantly and takes sleeping pills he cannot be trusted with the children. He is irresponsible . She is going for full custody and he wil hopefully not get overnights as he can't be woken. And yet she would never keep him or his parents away from the DGC. So I don't understand spouses keeping the other parent from seeing their children except in cases of abuse.
We have been talking about EC and their misperceptions about how things really were growing up. Sometimes I think their memories get distorted because they mix up what was with what they thought happened or should have happened. Or maybe their spouse pointed out how something was abusive ,but we thought it was an innocent remark or event. Hitting your child which was acceptable back then, is seen as terrible abuse today. Our EC are comparing what was acceptable back then to how things are supposed to be today.

Glad your op went OK Rhinestone and that you're back here with us. I can only assume that buying and selling houses in the states must be much easier as we didn't have this much trouble buying in Florida from the UK.

Regarding our estranged children's warped version of their childhoods, I knew our estranged d.i.l.'s mother for several years before they met. To say her parents and her upbringing were dysfunctional would be an understatement and yet, they have a relationship with our GC and we don't. Anyway, I know for a fact that 2 of the things I have been falsely accused of are her experiences from her childhood. Implanting false memories comes to mind doesn't it.

We would know if we'd been abusive toward our own children and if that were the case why on earth would be on a site like this, laying bare our souls and our pain.

No, this isn't down to their distorted memories, you can't have a memory, even a distorted one if the core of that memory never happened in the first place.

I agree Rhinestone that things were different when our kids were young. i mean back in Victorian days it was acceptable to shove your kids up the chimney to clean it or send them out begging, (well unfortunately that is still the case in some countries).
I didn't really hit my kids, just the odd little smack if they were really naughty. The main thing is I loved them above everything and talked to them and played with them. Weird how some can just wipe that from their memories.
Glad your eye op went OK.

Well we back tired, but fantastic loved the show Motown highly recommend adored the songs and story it was soooo good, they played someone who cares hav sit by Michael buble it is our song or one of them!

Hotel room upgrade was good, except we had change rooms twice don't ask, e fed up on 13 floor v go do view of the shard!

Today we went to London dungeon was v scarey but fun !

Ukean very good advice will remember that replace sad thought with happy one,
What really makes me down is remembering how close we were and now she wo t even speak to me or acknowledge any amount of cards, letters presents it all seems so sad and final and unecessary,

Agree smilelss it is so broken doubt could be fixed, never ever be the same but k would still give the world to have a hug and chat with her, stupid are t it?

Never mind focus on what we do have,

Smilelss when Unoff to Florida ?

We away next weekend with friends,

Rhinestone so glad op was success

Thanks smilelss do hope your panic attacks stop when u. Move, mine are less often but they do t go completely I have routine dh gets em cuppa and I have a teddy bear he brought me years ago as I never had a new one when a child how poor were we?
That seems settle me.

Is not nice what our kids put us through is it?

I'm getting more anxious the closer it gets to my EDD 40th in 2 weeks. i've got her a card and keep thinking about what to write in it. I want to keep it simple.

On a happier note - my DS has moved in with his new girlfriend, we haven't met her yet but by the sound of it she's a lovely, caring person and already has 2 kids. Also he got a new job as a panel beater which is what he has been looking for. He can fix absolutely anything and make it look like new. Very clever my boy!

Yesterday them bloomin' Facebook memories came up on his page - lots of pics of his baby girl from a year ago - the last time he saw her. I've tried to stop memories coming up on my FB page but they still do.

My other DD never asks anymore about her siblings as it upsets her that the family is so broken. She just gets on with her own little family (hubby and 2 gorgeous girls 4 + 10months.

Hope you all have a good weekend. Remember replace a bad thought with a good one. We have a local music festival to go to (Bluegrass yeeeehaaaah!) so I intend to enjoy myself. ???? XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Today we said our final farewell to our house; 24 years of wonderful and happy memories, 4 years of pain and misery. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, not too bad at all really. It feels surreal, dreamlike and I don't know how I feel really.

I think it was on a COOTL thread that a lady shared a poem with us, called The Journey by Mary Oliver, it seems rather apt so I thought I'd re share it with you all.

One day you finally knew what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you kept shouting their bad advice
though the whole house began to tremble
and you felt the old tug at your ankles.
"Mend my life!" each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy was terrible.
It was already late enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly recognised as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper into the world,
determined to do the only thing you could do
determined to save the only life you could save.

Congratulations, well done. That is a lovely poem.x

Wow Smileless that is a beautiful poem and so apt, it brought a tear to my eye. I love poetry and it is extra special when you find one that is poignant for your own situation.
I hope things go well for you whereever you move to and that you find some happiness. xx

Me too lovley poem smilless glad it wasn't as bad as u expected for you smilelss

Sleep well all we still tired after London but been ed god others mum tnis evening as they away was great.

Also visited my dear friend Christine with pressies for her 70thnbless her.

Happy weekend all????

Ps have read poem before think u right smilelss may been on that thread. X

Beautiful poem Smileless. The door has closed on the old but will open on the new for you and Mr. S. And all the new positiveness will create more positiveness in your life. Sometimes we stay stuck in the old because it feels comfortable. So good for you both getting on with the new even if the sale of your home is slow.

Feeling a bit better today, apart from back ache which I'm sure is caused by tension; it's amazing how tension can affect every part of your body.

I went to the gym yesterday hoping to ease my back off, and think I made it worse.

Started thinking about and looking forward too Florida. We fly on Friday and will be there for 4 weeks and 3 daysand when we come back we'll have our lovely new home to organise.

Nice day here today, someand quite mild. Hope you're all having a good weekend.

Happy Monday ladies. Well it doesn't look as if I'll be able to get to the gym before we go to Florida on Friday as my back still isn't too good.

When I first get up I'm like an old woman, shuffling around and cringing every time I have to bend or even sit down. I was planning to wash my car today and guess what, it's started raining. Was all set to do it this morning as rain wasn't forecast until this afternoon.

Still waiting to see when or indeed if our house sale will go through. I feel so sorry for our buyers, she really loves our house and must be on tender hooks waiting to see if it's going to go through or if they'll lose their buyer.

Perhaps 'no news will be good news'.

Hi smilless omg fingers crossed things go through it is such strain for you both.

Still Florida beckons??

So sorry about
Back have you come out I. Sympathy for my dh ??

I did say to him yesterday with my knees and his back we couldn't run round after little grandkids now sadly.

Made posiitive move and we both went back to w management ??embarrassment but only 2lb up from last weigh in several weeks ago.

It is so important for my knees to lose some excess then raise was real setback then we away again this weekend ?

Is yogsgirl. On one of her yoga retreats? They do sound good.

We went see bridget Jones baby thoroughly e joyed it, but sadly I had few tears when gran came c new baby it brought back bittersweet memories we were beyond happy day little grea daughter was born.