Support for those estranged from family members. Moving on together,

Stella14 I agree with you, I used to contact my DS by email every month, telling him I was proud of him and loved him. This went on for years.

But with no contact back it dawned on me that if its his choice not to have contact with me, then I have to respect that.

Also its a relief not to feel hurt all the time. I have also felt better this last Christmas now I have started keeping presents for the DGC (and DS and DiL) at home. I am relieved not to feel hurt at hearing nothing about Christmas presents arrival.

I could have done this years ago.

I am not saying others should do the same. Good luck to all of us

Celebhope you had a better day today; I'm so sorry that your ED's birthday upsets you so much.

I always find mammograms very uncomfortable. When I had my last one the nurse said 'mammograms and a firm bust just don't go well together'.

How lovely that they remembered you Rhinestone I bet they were relieved you didn't have another fall; not as relieved as you though.

I can't begin to imagine how difficult it must be for you and your DD, worrying about those children being left with that selfish and incompetent man. We all worry about our GC being raised by the kind of people who can be so cruel. I pray that ours will become kind, thoughtful and loving adults if only because they don't want to be like their parents.

Mr. S. knows a man whose son lives locally and refuses to have anything to do with his parents. If he sees them in the street, which he often does he doesn't even acknowledge their existence. That said, they see their GS on a regular basis, taking him out for days and even have him to stay over night. Just goes to show that even if our AC don't want anything to do with us, it isn't necessary to keep our GC from us, unless of course they want to use them as weapons which is precisely what they're doing.

I'm glad your kitchen's drying out Luckylegs, you'll be pleased when everything it back to normal. "(You) find it hard to think anyone new would want to spend time with (you)". Well we love spending time with you on here, reading your posts and sharing our highs and lows with you. We all have those moments, where we feel as if we've failed but those that know us and love us, like those friends you've had for so long, know that the failures are our AC and not us.

Have a good evening everyone and enjoy the rest of your weekend.

Thanks yogagirl I think Tor birthday is the worst cancelled evening out as so tearful a little note I kept for years from her fell out cupboard it had to be today!
Facebook memories were lovely photo of me and her just befor she had first baby I just sobbed.

Mind u mammogram today v painful ?

I will feel better tomorrow I hope had bad.night Also with back so didn't help
Shame as was better for couple days.

Lucklegs please dont feel that way your friend was right
It is hard I do sometimes then I got lovely. Message from my dear nephew wife this morning so I feel I can't be that bad a person.

Why oh why do we get so hurt it really shouldn't be necessary to destroy our lives like this

I said to my dh surely our ed could write back to us or even see us once a month? Is so cruel to take this estrangement to the grave

Sorry ladies I will feel better tomorrow I promise

Shocking Rhinestone and as you say, for sure he will have a drink & spliff when the C are in bed.

Celebgran I know how had the day will be on Tor's Birthday.

Luckylegs glad to hear you are getting the flooding sorted out & are drying everything up, well done. The estrangement is not your fault, we here all know that, only too well. I feel the same re all too late now. I long to go back to when this first happened, to my D&GC then, but of course if we reconnected now, it wouldn't be them then they would all be different, especially the GC, they wouldn't run into my arms calling "nannie, nannie" they wouldn't know who I am

Smileless, thanks for the flowers, everything drying out, the ceiling in the kitchen will have to be done but I am waiting another month until the damage is sorted.
Rhinestone, my total sympthathy, it's bad enough an estrangement if you know you gc are being looked after, cannot imagine the worry if they were at risk. As far as trying to appeal to the dil or sil, I would personally not recommend it, as I was in danger of a rift with mine, anything I said he took as a personal attack on his wife, my d, told very firmly that his loyalty was with her.
One of the biggest problems for me is that I want the d I had, don't recognise the one I've these last 10 years, so for me it's really too late, it has changed the person I was too, my confidence has sunk and find it hard to think anyone new would want to spend time with me, they would be thinking what sort a person who cannot get on with her own daughter, when I said this to one of my friends, she just said that's absolute rubbish, don't you dare get self pitying, so I was put firmly in my place.. Luckily I have about five friends of whom I have known for fifty years some of them, who know and understand how I realy am and support me. All of them are married, but one friend just two weeks ago lost her lovely husband. Not one of them have problems with any of their children and are in fact very close. This feeling of having failed does sweep over me though, especially when I have a crisis like the flood, I over worry because in the end it will get sorted.

Omg ygagirl see what your U mean about your ed in laws?How awful all that drinking with children. To care for!

Yes it would be wonderful ref our son but they bee. Together over 4 years and we still waiting!

I know what you mean about if someone. Kind at potters the girl on reception was so nice I just felt tearful but is Tor birthday tomorrow so very emotional.

Luckily there's was police diversion on Way home as we go very near her home, I so wanted to leave some flowers for her but my dear husband didn't want us hurt again,
We sent a card enclosed. Note from e hoping she was better and saying what rough time I had and how sad she didn't respond to her dad card telling her I was in hospital.

I will be ok after tomorrow hate these birthdays etc,

Rhinestone how good that they were kind to you, does t seem A year since you hurt your foot.

Had some texts from our friends in Dubai on cruise we had to cancel ! They are. Missing us.

If your husband reaches out to sons partner here's hoping it helps rhinestone,
Sadly I do t think anything will help us now,

I have grovelled for england Stella I guess I shredded all my pride to no avail.

YogagirlMany who are family to alcoholics turn a blind eye. What they don't know they don't have to deal with. Even though my daughter had proof of his drinking, and he got arrested twice for marijuana because he didn't have a medical card and the second time because it was it secured in the back of his vehicle, it didn't matter. If she wanted to bring in his psychiatrist and other people who would be witnesses if would have cost her between $20,000 and $30,000 to actually go to court. They did tell him that he could not have any drinks out or be drinking when the kids were over and the kids could not even see the empty cans. But how is my daughter to know if he's drinking after they go to bed or doing marijuana which he probably is or taking his sleeping pill which he probably is doing also. I worry so much that it made me physically sick and now that I'm on vacation I have said to myself that I cannot allow that to happen again. He never keeps his cars up in my worst fear is that he would be stuck in an accident this car would just die with the grandchildren. Well luckily the grandchildren were in his car couple weeks ago when it died on the freeway. It is very cold out and he had to walk 3 miles to his apartment. All because he was responsible and didn't have a towing company take his
car to a garage to be fixed. How would a six and five year old walk three miles in the freezing cold ?
Not only do we have to worry about the alcoholic with our grandchildren we have to worry about the estrangement as well.
Sometimes it's too much for everyone

By the way s.i.l's mother is an alcoholic, it obviously runs in the family; addiction. S.i.l talked openly about his mother's drink problem and how his dad was trying to stop her without success, and of course I witnessed it myself. One occasion was on his [s.i.l] birthday, we all meet in their local pub for a drink, she always ordered a bottle of wine for herself, proclaiming it was cheaper to do that, yah right! I had one glass of wine, then left them to it. His mum & dad took the C home later and was supposed to put them to bed as it was late, but when my daughter got home the C were still up, the house was allowed to be trashed by the C and his m&d thought this really funny. My D had spent all day cleaning & tidying as their friends were coming before the pub and then after to enjoy a take-away together. Also there were 4 empty bottles of red wine in the kitchen that his m&d had consumed whilst, supposedly caring for the C, cousins too. That's on top of all the drinks they had in the pub! My D fell out with them big time, but being his m&d it only lasted a week.

Rhinestone I cannot believe the courts have awarded your s.i.l 10nights per month with the C, how old are they? Your D must be worried sick when the C are with him, what with his drinking and bad behaviour, I'll bet he doesn't even want them that much, but going along with it just to stick one on your D! Hopefully, in time, he won't have them so much and things will settle down.

Thanks for your input Stella

How nice Rhinestone, the boat people have obviously been thinking of you all year! It's strange when people show you kindness it brings a lump to the throat, after all this bad mouthing we have been put through. Thanks for your kind words R I really do believe my s.i.l is how I described, he has taken drugs since he was 13yrs old and that,for sure, effects a growing brain, how my once nice D can stay with such a rotten husband [& his family, especially his mother] I really cannot understand. I just pray my little GD is ok, not being his child!

Celebgran fingers & toes crossed for a baby GC from your NS, wouldn't that be wonderful.

YogagirlI probably would have told the truth too. Just like my alcoholic X SIL who has the children ten nights a month you have to have concrete evidence. Sounds to me like you told the truth and his mom may not want to know it. My DD has told her X husband's family about his drinking and drugs but they refuse to accept that fact. I'm proud of you for going all the way to court to fight for your right to see your GC.

Stella Yes the psychologist who suggested it is American but what does where one lives have to do with whether you want to keep trying or not? I'm not clear on that. I think you are saying everyone of us Yankees are the same. My therapist does not believe that.
Yesterday I went back to the scene of the crime where I broke my ankle getting into a boat last January. I was treated like a celebrity. ( they were probably worried about a lawsuit LOL) The man who ran the boat came up and hugged me and another man came over to tell me he was the one who called the ambulance.( When you are down on the ground you can't see the faces of the people helping). I got my boat ride and it was wonderful. There are nice people out there.

I am a Psychologist and I'm sure we have all reached out in the earlier days of estrangement. Personally, I'm not prepared to humiliate myself by ongoing grovelling. There are Psychologists out there (usually American) who recommend never giving-up and continuing to regularly reach out forever. Under any other circumstances that would constitute harassment!

Well you're in luck then Smileless as it is going to be -5 tonight
I did reach out to my s.i.l, but to no avail, then when I went to court 3months after being 'cut out' I put in the court papers that in my opinion s.i.l was a narsistic paranoid schizophrenic due to his drug taking, it was then all out war! Don't tell me I should never have said that, even if I thought it, I know, I know He and his mother [not related to my precious GD] said they will make sure I never see my D&GC again

Me too, Smileless. Let it be one way or the other, but not this fuzzy, can't-make-up-its-mind stuff.

Anyhow, I see your point and Rhinestone's, also. So yes, will "be keeping everything crossed" if dh contacts his dil.

It's worth a go Rhinestone, as we always say on here there aren't any right or wrong ways of dealing with this estrangement, we can only do what we believe to be right for us. It goes without saying that if your DH does decide to contact his d.i.l. we'll be keeping everything crossed that it yields a positive response.

So sorry Luckylegs I hope there wasn't too much damage; how's the clean up operation going? That's an awful thing to have to cope with when you have some one there to share the load, never mind having to deal with it all on your own.

Another gloomy day here today. I don't know about you but I prefer it if its cold and sunny, I hate this milder miserable weather don't you.

Starlady I agree with you but many of us have nothing to loose. If we have tried talking to our children and get nothing then at least we are reaching out. I might suggest to my DH that he now reach out to DIL.

Oh, Luckylegs, how awful! It seems to have triggered thoughts about your ed and gc, too - so sorry. Glad you didn't let that get you though. Hope the damage to your home is fixed soon.

The Oily Murs story is hard to take. But I guess I should be used to hearing these things by now. They seem to be increasing.

Fascinating article, Eggers! Thanks for the link!

Sorry that the FB stuff hurt you, celebgran. I'm sure your friend meant well and just didn't realize... I'm glad you spoke up though and let her know not to do it again.

That's an interesting idea, Rhinestone! If they're behind the estrangement, then maybe reaching out to them would help. But MIL/FIL would be taking a risk - might get a load of anger and insults in return.

No but often think that may been good idea rhinestone x

I just read from this psychologist online that you are supposed to reach out to the DIL or SIL . Has anyone tried this ?

So sorry Celebgran I'm sure your estrangement is the same as mine & Smileless, it's not your D but your D husband!

Good post Smileless

Hope your ok Rhinestone & your hubby

Thanks Eddie & Eggers I will read them.
Luckylegs So sorry about your flood, Have you other children? no doubt you've already told us
Still to read next page...

My daughter was 30 I meant

Oh lucklegs that's awful, to cope with on your own ??

Thinking of you and please don't let it get your u too down.

I was rather stupid friend keeps. Me posted about my daughter Facebook and was. Picture of. 2nd Gra daughter birthday cake and date

It made Me feel sick inside that Facebook know date and we didn't I cried a bit and asked my friend not to let me know again its not helping me heal. She agreed.

So 6 years ago myndiafhter was 30 is sent balloon, card, presents, her dad delivered and she argued with s i law that she wanted speak to her dad, what isn't right is that 12 days earlier she had another baby and didn't mention it??

Her godparents said on Saturday that isn't normal. I do agree,

Not adage, damage.sorry.