Support for those estranged from family members. Moving on together,

Hello everyone,

The utter sadness seeps from these pages. I really feel for us all.

My son told his wife that he was going to bring my granddaughter to see me for my birthday. He was very determined. He wouldn't give me the full details of her reaction, but suffice to say that it all took place in front if a very frightened little girl. He was completely devastated, it was obviously very very bad. I can't allow this to happen. He said he would come on his own. Strangely, I couldn't handle the emotion that we would both feel right now and have asked him to leave it for a few weeks. Have I let him down? I am utterly confused and feel quite ill with it all.

Much love to all......Rosy.x.

I am new on GN and estranged from my DS DiL and DGDs. I think all I can do after years of trying various ways of reconciling, is to just get on with doing useful things and not dwelling on the estrangement.
I send presents at birthdays and Christmas but never hear back. In my case, my son is the less powerful person in the marriage, my DiL make it plain quite soon in that her family came first.
In another part of my family, its a daughter preventing my cousin and CiL from seeing their new DGD. I feel the pain they are going through. Thinking of all us ladies missing our loved ones.....

Hi All, below is a petition I found on Facebook. It's all about equality in the courts when it comes to children being allowed contact with both parents when there is a break up. It was on a FB page called Suffragents. Please sign it and share it with anyone and everyone. Apparently there have been such petitions before but not been very successful. But they wouldn't have had the power of all us Gransnetters!
I'm also on the Fathers4justice FB page. Some of the posts on there are heartbreaking. These people that have to control and manipulate there partners and children! It's sick! Anyway please sign and share - we have to make our presence known! www.facebook.com/www.suffragents.org/posts/1174955979210477

Rhinestone I did it all as my ds says I
She forced me to confront sad issues from my past ie depression but it was never going to be enough and my b friend was cross with me for apologising as she said I had done nothing wrong, it was waste of time our ed had used all we had to give her then decided cut us out and in our case sadly it is her as much as s I law.

I feel 100% certain she waited until we had helped them buy their house, put her through uni, supported her fertility problems, bought new pram etc she even wrote s list and on it Dhusband read it) was could she cope without our financial help, we were always helping out feel bit stupid now. Even worse used d husband pension fund.

Still what's done is done not sure how she sleeps at night,

Sooo sad I meant of course xx?

Omg smilless it soo mass these little fur babies get into our hearts so deeply.

I count each day with Rosie posie as a blessing,

Thinking of you and dh this evening xxxxx?

He was only little really, all fur but our holiday home feels rather empty tonight without him.

Sorry Smilelss just seen it is today u losing elderly peke big hugs and

Deep breaths smilless first of all so sorry about your elderly peke???that is sad, but seems like vet given u good advice.

Rosie is 13 and bit bless and I worry constantly but love her still enjoying life just barked for her tea as dh is as doctor ref back so she was t going wait til he got back. She was bit sick this morning but is sooo hot think was that,

I totally understand. Smilelss anything but the dreadful letter ed sent me as con seller said full of insults about me yet ended I will always love u as u my mum???
I would have been devastated either way but wish she thought enough of me to have said it to my face rather than hide behind horrid lies i. 2nd class letter, was that all k was worth after 28 years of love and care, in our case I think ed is to blame as much as our son I law but have gone past point of trying to wrk it all out.

Bad news ref weight gain so trying and again omg and we have another cruise booked In Jan from Dubai so was that good ides?Too much???.

Smilelss do hope it all completes well try not to worry sure it will and am impressed new house got lot steps your knees better than mine?
If we move will be to a bungalow reckon ?

Well my birthday coming up 8th one without ed is on Thursday my dear son sent me pressie today as we out tomrrow and not decided what to do on day yet.
Lovely card and words at least he loves me?a moonpig one and he did words so heartening to know he thought I was awesome mum.

Hope to see my twins grandchildren fri new baby has had tum problems a lactulose intolerance bless him been stressful for his mummy.

thanks yogagirl good be back when are you off to Crete for your yoga do?.

Rhinestone good c your post, do know sometimes it seems bit much keep trying sort stuff my dh just got back bee. Referred for physio. And another weeks tablets mum glad he getting some help ref back.

Lucklegs how are you today?, no more accidents I hope.

I think you're right Rhinestone but why couldn't he have come to us, written to us and said 'for the sake of my marriage and my son, I can't have you in my life anymore'? God knows that would have been bad enough, but the lies, the cruel and nasty allegations, isn't throwing us away bad enough? Why do it in the nastiest way possible?

Had a bad day yesterday, felt as is someone was sitting on my chest, it was horrible and today's going to be even worse.

We're saying goodbye to our elderly peke today. He was my parents until we took him in 7 years ago and unfortunately has always been prone to aggressiveness. Now aged 13, with the stiffness and discomfort of old age he's become very unpredictable.

He can't manage stairs or steps, even the 4 which go down to the grass at our holiday home are too much for him so we have to pick him up and carry him, up and down. He's been growling each time for a week or 2 and a little snappy but this morning he tried to bite meand I nearly dropped him.

I'm frightened of him TBH and of course he senses it, even if I speak in a confident voice he knows. I used to be able to groom him but can't do it properly any more; it's very sad but now the adaptil collars I've been putting on him aren't working as well as they were. So Mr. S. had a chat with the vet this morning who agreed that it would be better all round if we let him go. As she said, there's no point in waiting until he does bite me, or goes for our little poodle (who's frightened of him anyway) or our cat.

I'd never be able to manage him at the new house which as a town house has a lot of stairs, the kitchen diner, roof terrace and sitting room all being on the first floor.

I know it's the right thing to do, he wont know anything about it, just drift off to sleep. What a bloody awful 4 months we've had and now we've learned that the other 2 in the chain want to exchange and complete on the same day so right up until the day we're due to complete it could still go wrong.

I think I'll go insane, or maybe I have already but just don't know it yet.

I forgot to address the DIL issue. Many men don't like conflict and sometimes give in to their spouses rather than deal with what they have to deal with.I think they are afraid of loosing their children in a divorce if they stand up to their wives. It's easier to estrange themselves from their parents than their children. Just my theory

FairydollI read the same thing about apologizing for everything even if the estrangement wasn't your fault.I guess I would always feel that I was walking on eggshells and be afraid to talk and be myself. Believe me I am doing that now with my son even though he took responsibility for the estrangement and didn't blame me for anything. I over analyze everything I say.
But like you said it is a ploy to see the grandchildren. So do we eat crow?
My DH was going to write a letter, not email, to his son this summer but never did it. I decided to keep my mouth shut and not remind him or discuss it. There's only so much care taking I can do for everyone.

Same here Eddiecat The lies my nasty s.i.l said and in court but my D sat there and listened to all these lies, how could anyone stay with someone that lies like that and really serious lies too, nasty even said I had asked for my sweet little GD to be examined by a doctor for sexual interference and if proved, my GD should be adopted out of the whole family!!! [shock My ND sent the court papers I had made, [round-robin, as he had to the whole family] which proved nothing of the kind was ever written or said!! What is so disturbing about this is that linking my sweet little GD with sex never entered my mind, but it did his!!!

We knew what you meant UKcan

I'm the same as you Smileless tons to do for my upcoming Yoga Retreat in Crete, yet here I am too

Fairydoll Do't forget the s.i.l's. I had already done what that advise you shared said. I apologized for things I hadn't done, said I would change anything 'he' didn't like, but to no avail . I would have done anything for the few crumbs, just to stay in my D&GC lives, I loved then so, still do of course, if only I was allowed. You have the best situation, seeing your S&GC but not the nasty d.i.l

Welcome back Celebgran Your cruise sounds wonderful, glad you had such a good time. Sorry your knees and feet hurt, yes getting old is a bug-bear! I feel sad every day, as if I could cry at any moment, as Smileless has said about her Son, my estD wouldn't have done this on her own, if this does ever end, I think my D will be horrified at what she has done to her family and daughter, but this will only happen if she spilts with nasty [please God] and then the fog will lift from her brain!

So true Ukcan
Karen & Mumsy Until this point, I always said blood must be thicker than water, but I have to concede I'm wrong.
Luckylegs Stop beating yourself up I hope you are ok today
Smileless Putting your move on hold till you get back is a good idea. Even with your new home being lovely and just what you wanted, it will take time to settle and feel like home once more, so give yourselves time. It's hard enough moving, but coupled with this awful situation it will be even more stressful, I'm sorrow to say. You have lovely Mr.S so it will all come right in the end. Good luck and enjoy Florida, you will come back rested and in a better frame of mind to deal with your move.

Our case it is s i law and we feel he had masterminded tnis to cut ed off from her family, godparents and whole lot of those who loved her, just wish we had seen it coming, sadly not damn thing we can do.

Of course she must gone along with it

My dil accused me of saying lots of things which I hadn`t actually said (sadly there were no witnesses to this alleged conversation). I was so desperate to mend the relationship that I apologised many times. I basically said that if I had ever said anything to upset her it was unintentional and that I was sincerely sorry and promised that it would never happen again.
It was like talking to a brick wall. She had absolutely no interest in repairing the relationship

I'm sure there is an epidemic of bullying DIL's. What is it that motivates these women?
Is their self esteem so low that they have to cut out their MIL - eliminate her as 'the competition.?'

In doing that they are also bullying their husbands into breaking contact with his parents. But they (DIL's) seem to care not a jot.
Sometimes, I guess, there are genuine reasons for doing it, but more often than not, there probably isn't.

I recently read an article (and I have seen similar advice on Gransnet from posters who were obviously not estranged from family) that apologising, even if you have done nothing wrong, is the way forward to re-establishing relationships.But how do you do that with a bully? You just set yourself up for more of the same, in my opinion.
The advice was basically accepting whatever is thrown at you so you can continue to see your grandchildren. What an invidious position to be in!

As regular posters on here may remember, we have been insulted and ranted at by my sons partner, and had wild accusations thrown at us. She cut herself off from us over a year ago. It has been a peaceful year. We have learnt from her other family members that she is a trouble maker and manipulator who never apologises but just expects the recipients of her outbursts to move on as though nothing has happened. Nothing is ever her fault.

My son regularly brings our DGS to see us, thank God. If he hadn't stood up to her we would be denied access to this lovely little boy.

I don't post very often but I do check this thread regularly so I keep up to date with how you are all doing. Your posts are very humbling to all who are estranged from their DGC

Having internet problems at our holiday home so haven't been able to get on line since Saturday afternoon. I'm at the house today for a few hours as there's plenty to do and what am I doing, coming on line when I should be doing other things.

It's really weird being here. We haven't slept here for a month and will never be sleeping here again; weird, very weird.

Thank you so much UkeCan for your lovely post. Our d.i.l. has sooo much in common with yours, I just wish our son was more like yours and had the courage to do something about it all.

Oooh Celeb, sounds like you had a wonderful time, I'm so pleased you both enjoyed it. Looks like you'll need a few days to recover from all your sightseeing, so make sure you do and rest those poor old knees.

You poor thing Luckylegs falling and now backing into a hedgeyou really must be careful. Sounds like a few of us should get together and come an look after you for a few days; you're in need of some TLC.

Well a bit short and sweet as I really must get on. If I can't get on line when I go back this afternoon I'll catch up with you all in a couple of days from our shop.

Have a good day everyone.

Anya I didn't mean judgemental about our estranged ones I meant people being unsympathetic to those of us with these family estrangements. ;-)

There is a lady on a private supprt group I go on whO tries never to criticise anyone and sadly I a, not that perfect I am sAfraid.

Yes luckylegs got back yesterday sooo tired we missed golden wedding party,just,wanted shower and bed after easy meal?.

Cruise was fantastic loved Rome and st tropez but omg sooo much walking on our tours I wanted to see it all ie Vatican, St. Peter's basilica pantheon, colosseum and trevi fountain perhaps not wise to pick Rome in one day very good guide who swept us past the queue ?But that was good, very very crowded but so pleased saw it all however knees and feet still protesting as over 30 degrees and my feet swelled peg feel like proper old.

We loved discovery cruise ship nice pool did some swimming, lots eating and ???Mmm now got 8lb to lose pdq.

I felt bit sad had few tears one Day book I was reading was all about a mother and daughter separated in war for evacuation I was v moving and I felt where did I go wrong? Ed and I were close we honestly were and it breaks my heart to think that is all gone now.

After agonising I don't think we will go for mediaiton as rhinestone says the court favours mother s wishes and for a reason we will never understand ed does not want us part of the little girls lives. Personally I don't think either of us can stand more hurtful untrue Insults getting paperwork from loft for solicitor just set us back in a dark place. I have left is all with my counsellor who a. Seeing wed not seen for 3 weeks due to hols.

On cheerful note Smilelss ??late congratulations for anniversary u 3 years behind us.

Choosing to ignore any disruptive posts as this thread has moved on from that but well done Smilelss I do like that ref putting spotlight on the term trolls.

Yogsgirl I found it sad that Youmstill feel so badly still I do understand, ed illness and consequent refusal of olive branch in April upset us both more than I can say. health scares for dh makes you feel so alone and vulnerable. However it is what it is and yes I agree Smilelss it is possible to let it go and move on but it will always hurt me.

Gosh long post very well done smiless date for co tracts ??wow I sincerely hope great new beginning for you both, omg how sad about little one starting school, I remember sending little gifts for our oldest little girl when she started Including a rubber like a cow referring to pet name ed had for the little girl.
It was all wasted probably thrown in bin we never ever got an acknowledgement so we no longer send gifts 7 years of them being ignored was as bel mooney put is very distressing,

Welcome ukcan.

Good to be back I. Touch a whole week without wifi mmmmm I coped. Just.

Shame ref my knees as consultstant injected them both and it worked wonders till I walked so far oh dear.

I have birthday coming up nextThursday so maybe feeling bit sad 8th one without ed.

Never mind I am blessed with who I do have.
Ref blood water thingy I guess I will always have a part of my neart devoted to my ed but I have been treated far better my people not family.

Smileless & Rhinestone Well said & spot on

Karen Welcome and sorry to read you are in the same sad boat as us stay with us for support. I will read your bog, but I must dash now to get ready for my classes, so will be back late afternoon/early evening, I have only read the first few posts, but just wanted to say the before mentioned.

I suppose when you've been treated badly by family, especially it would seem DiLs, it is hard not to be judgemental about them ukecan

Gosh, as I haven't been on here for a while I've been reading back on this thread. It's startling to see how many of us have almost the same stories. I'll carry on reading them and I'll be back on tonight hopefully. My heart goes out to all of you who are in this situation of estrangement. Shocked at some of the nasty, judgemental posts though so ignoring them.