Mumsy, I know just what you mean. I used to torture myself doing that. I'm better these days and only do so rarely. I find it difficult to write about my own situation. My son has been estranged for 8 years, since I divorced his father. That broke my heart and I was inconsolable for years at Christmas, Mother's day etc. It's been maybe the last two years that I moved-on in respect of it. Ratger than feeling desperate and distraught, I felt angry when I thought if him. Most recently, although there is still a sting when I think of him, his wife and children, I'm pretty okay with it and I wouldn't welcome the idea if having him back in my life.
My youngest daughter (34) has been hard work since entering adolescence (13), very prickly, flew off the handle if anything didn't go her way. Her father and I assumed she would grow out of it. The drama of her meltdowns was very stressful and effected the whole family, so we tended to tip toe around her to keep the peace (not the best idea in retrospect, but it was such hard work). Unfortunately, she didn't grow out of it. She remained a very 'highly strung' person. She became a very self entitled adult (as is my ES). She is able to select who she expresses that too though (never to friends or friends parents for instance), so she can obviously control it. She is a hard worker and has worked abroad for the past 9 years. She has never been good at keeping in touch, but I have always been there for her. I had to come to accept no contact, often for 5 or 6 months at a time, certainly for 3 months at least. I learned not to worry too much about her, but concern was always there. It's always been me she called for advice for problems and if she wanted anything doing in the UK (admin type stuff). At those times she has always said how wonderful I was, she loved me etc. When she was at home she had the use of my car. If ever (rarely) I declined that, like when she went through a phase of believing that there was nothing wrong with having 'a couple of drinks' and driving home, there were ructions! When she was at home, she pretty much used our house as a base from which to visit other family members and friends. She spent no real time with us (she likes my new husband). She got married herself (quietly abroad) in March and brought her new husband home to meet everyone, staying with us. He is a lovely, intelligent and funny guy and clearly very good for her. She is a much easier person with him, clearly much more relaxed. It was a really great visit. All 4 of us spent time together, a couple of meals, and evenings setting the world to rights.
Over recent years, aside from the tantrums and the lack of contact unless she wanted something from me (my husband mentioned this, when I was wondering if the tension between us was my fault), I have not been permitted to post on her Facebook page, despite all and sundry (including her father's girlfriend being permitted to do so). I have never been able to ascertain why this is. I have asked a couple of times (quite tentatively), but that just resulted in me being shouted out and no reason given (posting meaning e.g. a 'happy birthday' post, nothing major or odd). In addition, she has said some very hurtful things over recent years. I haven't been able to discuss them, or my feelings with her, as any attempt to do so results in her getting angry. I don't pursue it then, as I don't want to argue. About 6 or 7 weeks ago though, we had a disagreement. It felt different for me this time. I'm aware that I have avoided standing-up for myself because if she flounced-off in a huff, I could have two estanged children and that would be very tough indeed. It must be easier for a second adult child to justify that to themselves because the parent already has the label of unreasonable from their sibling. A second estangement would also be reassuring for my ES (they must be in the right because they can't both be wrong). I know I was a good and loving mother to my children (although I reproached myself for a long and painful time after my son cut me off). Certainly, there are some minor things that I would do differently looking back, but none of us are perfect and there is no perfect mother, just 'good enough' as the research shows us. I do doubt myself still though sometimes. From what I have read about parents in our position, we all do. Anyway, in the past I have smoothed things over (by text or whatsapp message as that is all she uses to contact me), but this time, I felt different. I'd had enough of being treated with no consideration and couldn't bring myself to 'make nice'. Needless to say, neither did she. She had suggested weeks ago that she and new husband came to visit us on boxing day (she has very recently returned to settle in the UK), but we never heard from her over Christmas (admittedly, I didn't message her either. She was with the mother hating end of the family though, so I felt reticent to do so). On Christmas night, I messaged her to say that I was surprised not to have heard from her and was the apparently planned visit the following day a duty visit because if so, it wouldn't be good for either of us. I added that if I had the wrong end of the stick, I was sorry and to let me know what her plans were. She messaged me back 'If you wanted a Christmas message you should have said, we had been planning to come tomorrow. Let me know if it's still on'. I should have said that I had been stressing about this visit for days, couldn't sleep for feeling anxious on Christmas Eve and by Christmas evening was actually considering taking Diazapam. Not something I usually do, but there are some in the house prescribed for when I was a passenger being driven on narrow mountain roads. I faced the fact that I was by then dreading the visit, so I said 'no, lets just pass on visits until/unless we can get our relationship back on better terms'. The reason I was thinking duty visit is because, over the past couple of years, she has been stressing over not having a pension and has been repeatedly asking me what my house is worth, if I have any mortgage on it (I do), if I have savings and more. She even asked all this again at the dinner table on her last visit, in the presence of her new husband and mine! When she was talking about the lack of a pension and worries for the future a couple of years ago, I told her that I had cut her brother out of my Will, so that she should be okay financially as the estate would be split equally between her and her sister. She was obviously quite shocked by that.
There is so much detail I could go into, but it would only upset me and I have rambled on long enough. If you have got this far, thanks for reading.
. Well I've given up worrying about what I'm eating and how much until the New Year. 
.
and thanks for your lovely post.
. I thought I should start doing it again next year but the cake is really too big for our needs and the ones you can buy and the puddings are so lovely, is it really worth the effort??
.
.
BIG (((hugs))).
their faces had changed 
.
.