Downsizing/moving when husband won't face aging practicalities

One option is to halve your house if the layout permits, make the upstairs into a separate flat...useful income to be had.....or if you hive a bit off and have a lodger the rent a room scheme allows a really good tax free income.....

I have limited mobility so am happy I no longer have stairs to fall down and get shopping from Tesco delivered...I still drive but if I couldn't, there is one of the ring and ride schemes locally and taxis available.......My garden is too big really but I pay a chap to come and help and gradually am altering the style to be more easy to cope with.

All change is easier managed as a choice rather than an emergency option........

We've just made the move and although we haven't gone much smaller, as we still wanted the family to be able to stay with us, being a new build the house is more suited to the way we live now. We don't need to do any work or maintenance for a good few years and it is in a location which is walking distance to small town centre with supermarkets and all the other essential services, pubs and coffee shops included. We have the option to add a conservatory and convert the garage in to a downstairs bedroom should we need that in the future. We spent several months thinking and viewing properties and knew this was the right one as soon as we viewed it.

How i cam emphathise with Wilygran, having been in exactly the same situation, except my dh is 15 years older than me, (I am 74 ). I was finding him increasingly difficult to cope with, following two strokes which have severely impaired his balance and mobility. I desperately wanted to relocate to be nearer my family, who are very suportive but 150 miles away! DH is a Londoner thru and thru and would not even discuss moving, until i had an accident and injured my back. This has restricted what i can do, especially when it comes to physically helping him. I can no longer bend or stretch easily without severe pain, and i definitely cannot lift anything heavier that a cup and saucer! This really has been a revelation to him, and as it is affecting his own quality of life now, he has agreed it is a good idea to be nearer help and support when we need it.!,! We are in the process of selling this house in Kent and buying a new build bungalow in Lincolnshire, so don't give up, if i can make it happen, anyone can!

I am not suggesting you have an accident, i would not wish my injury ion my worst enemy, but have you tried appealing to his better nature and telling him you simply cannot cope? Maybe if you stop coping so well, it will open his eyes and make him change his mind. Have you got any family or close friends who could maybe back up your argument, in a subtle way?

Hi wilygran
sounds like you are coping with a lot. I help people move home for a living and have a few further suggestions (in addition to the excellent ones already posted). There can be lots of negatives about having to leave a home one has been in for many years so I try always to see if there are some positive things that might act as a carrot! For example what would your husband really like to do that he can't do now? One couple we helped move home and for the first time in many years the husband was able to leave his home and go to the local pub where he joined the Darts team. He has begun to make new friends and life is so much better for both.
I think the other aspect is that we all have fears about the unknown - I wonder what your husbands are? Can you have a relaxed conversation and let him know what yours are - to encourage him to talk a bit more? Maybe then you can find a resolution?
Finally by way of encouragement, in a decade of helping people downsize the overwhelming majority have said two things - "I have a great sense of relief now I have moved" and "I wish I had done it sooner". Yes, it is hard and stressful but worth it. I hope you manage to persuade him and wish you the best of luck.

This is such an interesting subject and all the comments are very helpful indeed.
I am in a similar situation and can sympathise.
My problem is that neither of us want to discuss moving as we love our home so much, it is just so hard to maintain and costly to have people to do it for us.
We could also release a lot of equity but I don't think it will ever happen through choice
The best of luck to you wilygran and anyone else having the same dilemma. It certainly helps to share the problem and know you are not alone.

I have a similar problem, my partner is now blind and refuses all help. My own health is not good either. To persuade a man to admit any fraility is hard to do. I am still working on it but not yet found an answer. Its a man thing.

Great post ...exactly my situation. Husband is 15 years older than me ....at 83, having had two mini strokes, and now poor eyesightm and on going vasculair problems ....he agrees a move from our present 3 bed bungalow (we moved from a large house to here to make things easier)...as the garden and the maintenance is too difficult for him now, although he refuses to let me get anyone in to help and insists on climbing ladders. He can no longer drive (although he insists he can, and will if I am not looking !) ...he is getting a bit shaky with walking as well, and not much use in his left hand anymore. However, as someone else on here said, he absolutely refuses to ever part with anything ...he took all his furniture, at vast expense, from Bexleyheath where he lived with his late wife, to Menorca, costing thousands, then to Brittany costing just as much ....then down here ! the cost of moving it all would have covered completely new stuff ! He has ancient tools, including a large work bench, many ladders, a shed full of stuff, a workshop full of stuff ...he insists would have to go with us ....how do you fit all that into a small retirement flat with 2 bedrooms, just one large lounge, and maybe a balcony ? Answer ...you don't, so here we stay until he decided either to let me get someone to do the garden, the maintenance etc ...but then we still have the problem of the distance to the local village ...too far to walk (although my doctor is nagging me to walk for exercise ! ...I do it sometimes ....then have to stop for a coffee which probably defeats the object of the exercise !)

Another problem here, is like the lady in Ireland ...nothing but nothing is selling ! and with the uncertainty surrounding BREXIT there are a lot of houses owned by ex pats on the market ....and if they sell, they are only selling for a lot less than people paid for them. Even our French neighbour who is trying to re locate has been on the market for 18 months with not even a viewing ! The only option appears to be to rent this one out, and rent a small apartment ...another option my husband refuses to consider ! I think we will both be here until the weeds overtake and the cobwebs engulf us ! Problem !

I went through this process with my late DH - we both realised that our large 4 bedroom house with large garden was getting more difficult to look after. Although I am 14 years than DH we both had health problems so we put the house on the market "to test the water", we had already decided on area we wanted somewhere between his daughter & mine & their families. I had researched prices on Rightmove so I had a good idea what was on offer.

House went on the market at top valuation & within a week we had 4 viewings & 1 offer. Sale went through in 7 weeks although we accepted lower offer but still a good price. Meantime we had found our new home - so it was pack, dispose of furniture & "junk", arrange removal & storage for 1 week, rented a holiday flat near where we were moving to. Stressful but great it all happened so quickly.

Sadly after a year my late DH was taken into Hospital & then transfered to a Nursing home (he never returned home).

I waited approx 1 year & then put our property on the market so I could move nearer my daughter - took 14 months to sell then I had to put everything in storage whilst I looked for some where suitable. Found a lovely property on the edge of a small town, Post Office/General Store at the end of road, bus service to larger towns. Lovely small town with everything I need.

After a stressful time I love this hopefully "forever home" - a Park Home so no stairs, small garden (no lawn) but large enough to plant some lovely plants & shrubs plus room for all my beloved pots.

Everyones situation is different but thank goodness we downsized together as I don't know if I could have coped with selling large house & sorting everything out.

Wilygran I hope you make the right decision - plant the seeds in your DH mind & let him ponder over a possible move, you may be surprised

Sorry it's such a long post

I know how you feel! My DH has a progressive condition, which affects him both physically and mentally. In theory, he agreed that we should move to a bungalow, but he dreaded the upheaval. We were galvanised when we had the opportunity to buy a new build bungalow, (these are rarely built nowadays ), off plan. We agreed that it would be easy to heat, and reasonably maintenance free in the future. We sold our house quickly, and have had to move to a rental property. The speed at which this all happened was overwhelming, and I had to handle everything myself. It was a learning curve! DH is finding the waiting very unsettling, and holds me responsible. However, we will be nearer family and friends, and now that I can't leave him for so long on his own, this will be easier, and closer for people to visit us. We do all have to consider the future, and, as has been said, sooner rather than later. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it was the right decision!

When my parents were in their late seventies I suggested that they should move house and come and live in our village while they were still fit. They had already spent a lot of time in our house, cat-sitting while we were away on holiday and loved the village. There were a lot of new houses being built, but my father wouldn't hear of moving, even though their house was in need of a great deal of work and had no central heating as my father refused to have it. My Mum would have liked to move. Then my father suddenly had a stroke and died at the age of 81, and almost immediately, my Mum said she would like to move, so we found her a small, new house not far from ours and she moved in and was very happy, taking part in the village activities and helping to look after our daughter, who arrived just after she moved. She never regretted downsizing! The irony is that, shortly before he died, my father said to a neighbour that they were going to move to be near us, but he never mentioned it to my Mum! If my father had only given in sooner they could have moved together and maybe he could have lived longer in a more comfortable house and met his grand-daughter. Go for it!

Hello Wily gran. . I have the same problem. My hubs has multiple health problems, poor mobility, arthritis, he gets very downhearted. I suggested we move but his answer was the only place to move into is a retirement apartment. No point whatsoever moving to another house, flat or bungalow because there will still be lots of maintenance to do, which he can't do anymore. Also, he is not capable to help clear the house out of excess furniture etc. So, we plod on and he struggles to get up stairs etc. I think the next plan of action is to try and get a chair lift fitted. Can't see us as a pair ever changing our house.

Reading the posts it seems there are lots of us in the same boat. Violette we have same problem.

I agree, Wilygran, that we will have to move eventually, whether we can sell our cottage or not. I just hope that the property market here will change before we have no choice. It is not that we want to make money on the cottage but the estate agent who I contacted wasn't interested in even putting it n the market. New houses here are going for 35,000 euros so no one is interested in a cottage which is well over 100 years old, even with 2.5 acres.!

My mother and stepfather were only in their 70s when they moved from a big 4-bed house into a flat with a warden and links to a careline in every room. They did this before they got too old to make the move, she said. She is now 97 and is still able to look after herself in the place most of the time. She definitely made the right decision, that has been her home for so long it is right for her.

wilygran, I am in a similar situation, made even more difficult as we cannot even decide whether to come back to England or stay where we are in the States. We have been going round in circles discussing ths and viewing properties for two years! If we ever make a decision I'll let you know. Watch this space!

"this"