Gransnet forums

Relationships

Splitting Up

(25 Posts)
BGB31 Fri 29-Jul-16 10:56:54

Hi I haven't used the forum before but have been reading for some time.
My 4 year relationship is coming to an end. I am heartbroken even though it's probably the right thing.
I have an adult daughter who is married with a 5 year old. My soon to be ex and the little one get on like a house on fire - he's basically grandad without being called so. Every time I think about what's going to happen I get very upset. My GS will miss my ex but I'm not sure how realistic it is for them to continue a relationship- I would need to be involved and that would be very painful.
Also my housing situation is difficult- we rent a flat off his friend- ex lived here before I moved in - so I have nowhere to go & no money. What a stupid situation to have got myself in to.
We have a holiday booked in 3 weeks & we are saying we are still going. Daughter etc are coming too & I just want to have a nice time but I am so sad and hurt. How likely is it that we will?
I know no one will have an answer (unless some one has a flat to rent smile but I needed to be able to say how I'm feeling.

obieone Fri 29-Jul-16 12:14:16

Glad you can talk on here.

I dont have many answers myself, but happy to bump this, as I am pretty sure other gransnetters will have some helpful advice flowers

gettingonabit Fri 29-Jul-16 12:24:29

Firstly, get yourself to the CAB. They will tell you what you're entitled to, and may be able to recommend a solicitor if you need one.

BlueBelle Fri 29-Jul-16 12:46:25

Sorry to hear this you don't say what's wrong to have got to this situation but it sounds terminal, without a way back
I see what you mean about it being awkward with the grandchild personally I have always found a complete break with no contact to be best ( for me anyway) as one or other sees it as a way back once you are meeting up. Children are very resilient
Isn't the holiday going to be a horrible strain are you still going to be 'together' for the holiday, sharing a room ? that's sounds like purgatory to me to be in a happy holiday situation with someone who doesn't want to be with you any more
You should be able to get some housing help but yes CAB or some professional needs to guide you through the process
Do keep talking it through don't disappear there will be lots of others with better ideas

spyder08 Fri 29-Jul-16 13:00:18

BGB31 I can't offer any answers myself except to repeat what others have said...get yourself to CAB/solicitors maybe even both. Explore every available avenue. I must all feel very bleak at the moment but things will get better.
In the meantime flowers and brew. Hope it all works out for you

seacliff Fri 29-Jul-16 13:12:00

Hi BGB very sorry for you, feeling so bad. Not sure of exact situation, but sounds like you need some independent advice from an expert.It can't hurt, and may help you. The main thing is, you need somewhere to live, and CAB may be able to help with suggestions.

I am in a similar situation myself, the uncertainty and upset is horrible. Is there any friend or family you could talk to? Hugs to you, best wishes xx

BGB31 Fri 29-Jul-16 20:40:41

I'm so touched by all your replies. It's helpful just knowing there are people around.
I have got people I can talk to but I haven't really told anyone yet. I know I'm delaying it, partly in the hope something will change. But we do need to separate- we're both unhappy. But it makes me feel sad, anxious and panicky. And as I said I worry about my GS & about my housing situation.
The reality is I will be ok in the end but I'm dreading the pain and unhappiness that is facing me. My relationship history is not good and I had hoped that this time I'd got it right but apparently not.
I am dreading the holiday in many ways - perhaps he would like me to tell him not to come - but I have mixed feelings. He's fun and we have a nice time together usually. And also I can't face explaining to my daughter yet.
Thanks again for all your kind words. x

Jalima Fri 29-Jul-16 20:45:55

You do need some practical advice and help re housing etc. Good luck flowers

This sounds a bit harsh, but my GP had all died by the time I was 6; I vaguely remember my maternal grandad but none of the others and I'm not sure that it made any difference to my life, although I did have lots of aunts and uncles.
If it would cause you a lot of pain then a clean break may be better. Does your DGS have another grandad?

BGB31 Sat 30-Jul-16 07:41:41

Thanks Jalima - it's not harsh at all. It's a helpful perspective. I am imagining GS will be as heartbroken as me but that's not likely. I do find it very painful to see them having a nice time together though.
I've just read a thread on here about living together while separated and that was helpful too.
Thanks again.

Anya Sat 30-Jul-16 08:06:24

BGB31 firstly I'm very sorry you find yourself in this situation and that. I suppose it depends on how bad the situation has become what you do next.

It sounds as if you want this man to come on holiday but perhaps you sense he would rather not go, do I have that right? And then there's the housing situation and his soon he wants you out.

I think you need to sit down and have a long talk with him. You need to have a plan, preferably agreed with him so you don't find yourself homeless. If he's basically a genuinely nice man, then enlist his help in finding you somehow else to live. Surely he'd do that and allow you to stay until you have....unless of course you've been hoping the relationship is not really over and been delaying the inevitable.

BGB31 Sat 30-Jul-16 08:34:15

Thanks Anya. Yes I'm worried that I am delaying the inevitable- although there have been several times in the last last year or so when I have thought about leaving. It's the upheaval and upset that stops me.
I think part of him wants to come on the holiday & part of him doesn't- similar to me.
He's not good at talking- that's one of the reasons we've ended up in this situation. But ironically perhaps also one of the reasons we're still together. If we'd been able to talk before we may have split up sooner.
I took a lovely photo of him & GS yesterday- absorbed in something and I can't look at it. It makes me cry.

Anya Sat 30-Jul-16 08:38:11

Have you considered the possibility of continuing the relationship but living apart?

If you and he can remain on friendly terms, and you have your own 'bolt hole' he can still be a part of your life and your GS's?

Christinefrance Sat 30-Jul-16 08:43:44

Sorry to hear about your difficulties BGB, I think worrying about it all is probably worse than making the split. I agree with Jalima, I never knew any relatives apart from one Uncle and parents and I managed life ok as I am sure your Grandson will.
Do talk things through calmly with your partner if he will and it's better to part sooner rather than later if it's inevitable.

BGB31 Thu 04-Aug-16 13:32:25

Hello - just wanted to update this quickly and to say thanks for the support.

I have borrowed some money and have secured somewhere to live - will be moving at the beginning of September. It's horrible but it has to be done.

The holiday is going ahead - certainly for the first week when my daughter is coming. The second week may have to be cancelled (horrific waste of money) but I'll do what feels right at the time I suppose.

The issue of my GS hasn't been resolved yet as I will obviously need to discuss it with my daughter anyway. I think we (ex and I) are going to try to stay friends - we don't hate each other - so I'll see how that goes.

My main priority is my move and getting the holiday out of the way.
Thanks again for the support. I do read a lot of the threads but don't always feel I have a lot to contribute.

nanaK54 Thu 04-Aug-16 19:19:48

Just wanted to send you good wishes

Luckylegs9 Fri 05-Aug-16 07:07:24

Glad you have somewhere to live. The practicalities are essential to move on. Enjoy your holiday. I think a clean break is the best, your gs will adapt very quickly. Maybe down the line you could be friends, however a new life beckons, it will be different and could be so much better. Good luck.

Gagagran Fri 05-Aug-16 07:18:03

You are being very brave and practical BGB. I wonder if you should talk to your daughter and tell her what is going on and what your plans are? It will be a big shock if she thinks everything in the garden is rosy then finds you have left!

I also want to send you my good wishes and hope that the situation resolves calmly and as pleasantly as possible. Look after yourself. sunshineflowers

BGB31 Fri 05-Aug-16 12:10:47

Thanks all.

Yes Gagagran - I agree. I think telling my daughter is the next step. I don't feel comfortable keeping it from her.

BGB31 Tue 09-Aug-16 09:34:16

Another update from me. I went to see my daughter last night and let her know what was happening. She was lovely and kind and we had a good chat.

The ex (?) has decided not to come on the holiday so I will still go with my daughter and her family for the first week. Second week still in doubt - my daughter may stay a few days extra but we've still to decide.

Things are certainly moving on.
Thanks again for support here.

hulahoop Tue 09-Aug-16 15:36:36

Glad it all seems to be getting sorted although must be upsetting for you 💐

CK4260 Thu 11-Aug-16 16:53:28

Reading through this thread, my first thought was talk to your daughter and let her know the situation - and I see you've done that, brilliant. So glad she is being supportive. Enjoy your holiday with them and try and relax rather than angst over the future - easier said than done I know. Like other replied I am sure your GS will move on quickly from the departure of your partner - children are very resilient and live mainly in the present rather than worrying over the future. It seems you've made some big steps forward since making the original post, so well done you. And my very best wishes for the future. You never know you may enjoy your new found freedom. xx

BGB31 Fri 12-Aug-16 07:21:13

Thanks for the lovely messages. I really appreciate the support here, especially as I am 'new'.
I am trying to focus on the positive things - there are some. I'm very up and down and get very tearful when I think about actually moving out. I hate moving anyway and this move will be very painful.

Anyway thanks again. Onwards.... x

BlueBelle Fri 12-Aug-16 11:03:46

Gosh I think a holiday with your daughter and maybe carry on the second week on your own (you will be used to the place by then you won't lose the money and may well find people to talk to I ve holidied alone and it's not all bad) is the very best outcome I would have thought it would have been very difficult with ex partner in such very early days good luck indeed and relax and enjoy the hols

BGB31 Tue 23-Aug-16 20:00:29

Another update from me - it helps to write things down...
I'm on holiday with daughter + family. We're staying in a gorgeous place & the weather is fantastic. So it should be perfect- but of course it's not.
I'm struggling with anxiety & sadness every day.
My ex has not been in touch since I left. I'm not sure what I expected.
I found out (since I last posted) that there is someone else in the equation. So he is no doubt enjoying his free time with her.
I have decided I can't go back to the house so am staying here for the full fortnight- the last 3 nights on my own, which I am worrying about but I can't face spending any more nights in that house with him.
In addition, just before we left for the holiday I had some health problems & now have to return home (or rather to the home city) for the day to have some tests.
I'm trying to keep cheerful, especially around my lovely grandson, but it's not easy.

elfies Tue 23-Aug-16 20:35:17

Hope you have a good holiday and have time to work out your problems
Hugs