Sibling issues - at my age !

I feel for you, I am an only child so all responsibility fell to me anyway. Some of the things you have said do sound like you may be too controlling, the implication that only you know what she needs, how it should be done and the 'reminders' of how much care your mum needs are all set to rub people up the wrong way IMHO. Maybe you need to step back when they are doing stuff and accept the help rather than say it is being done wrong. If the end result is good for your mum then surely that's what is important. It is important too that she gets stimulation from a variety of people, so if you can let your siblings help when they want to, without criticism then I think that will be of benefit to her.
Good luck with it all

This situation happens in so many families lostmyglasses, think you have to do what you can for your Mum and let them help as and when.
You do say things are not done as they should be by your family but perhaps your expectations are too great. Sometimes you have to take a step back and see that others are doing the best they can.
You are doing all you can and that is what is important. Good luck.

Are you prepared to continue as you are? - this would be the line that would cause the least trouble; and you would feel that you were doing your best for her, which is clearly important to you.

Have you actively argued about the situation? - if not, then one way forward might be to say something along the lines of "Mum is needing more help now; could we arrange a way of sharing it out?" - i.e. unemotional factual discussion. I realise this may not be possible.

This is a very common situation and one that I worked with very often during my career. There are several reasons usually for this - one is that the other siblings are just idle; another is that one person has habitually done the most and it has just drifted into being the status quo; another is that one sibling (usually the one who is taking the most responsibility) has developed particular ways of doing things and feels that the others do it "wrong" when they do get involved, so they back off and get fed up; another is geography - the person living the nearest tends to carry the bulk of the work because they are on the spot.

If you do manage to create a situation where the others do a bit more, you must be prepared that they may do things differently and you may have to hold the breath and bite the tongue a bit!!

It does sound a bit as though your best bet is to soldier on and not rise to the bait when the siblings say things that make you squirm.

When my parents were in the same situation the three of us took on different responsibilities: my brother dealt with finances, I dealt with organising the social care, and my sister (who was on the spot) did the most visiting. We seemed to slip into these roles in relation to our particular skills and to geographical proximity.

In your case it is probably best to just bash on since it has already become a bone of contention - it is hard to find a way back from that. In any event, the more you can try not to let it irk you, the better you will feel - maybe give up sending them messages, as their lack of response is just getting under your skin.

Good luck with it all - always a difficult situation.

I used to frequently visit the Altzhmers forum and people would often talk about "the invisibles" those siblings that are never around to help. It's quiet common for one child -- take on-- be burdened with the responsibility of one or both elderly parents. I think their attitude may well be connected to guilt but in some cases it seems like denial of the fact their parent is aging and needs help.
No help I know but I thought it may help to realise it's not just your family

Yes it crossed my mind too lost that they are belatedly getting more involved as they worry about inheritance .Unworthy thought..
I don't agree it always falls on one child .DB and my lovely SIL did most of the practical stuff for our DM but I loved 120 miles away and had two relatively young children plus I worked ft .TIhey were local with no children at home.I had always visited as often as posible (I loved her dearly as did my two DDs, her only grandchildren)When she had a terminal illness I visited nearly every weekend for 5 months .It was I who cleared her house of the personal and smaller stuff and did the paperwork when she died .

Hi , lostmyglasses you know in your heart that you are doing the right thing by your Mum . It always falls to one child in these situations and when she is gone you will be able to sit back in the knowledge that you were a good daughter and did all you could . It may be that your siblings are getting concerned that your Mum may leave everything to you , that sounds awful but it did spring to mind . I looked after my Mum in her last years , it was not a chore but there were times when I could have done with a bit of support which didn`t come from other family members .
I would just ignore the bad behaviour of your siblings , don`t enter into the childishness of them ignoring your texts etc . Having a moan on GN does you good !

When both my parents needed caring for I had a moan about being an only child and how there was no one really to share anything with, although my eldest daughter helped all she could and was VERY supportive in information and getting outside help She made a very valid point and said to me Mum it doesn't matter how many children you have it will nearly always fall on one and my observations have been just that ... I have three children but I know if I need help it will be her that does it the other two are much to tied into their own lives and needs I hope I will have enough brain power left to put myself in a home as I don't want her to be burdened with my care

Cool gran65
hats off to you being so sanguine -and not falling out with your db - and sorry for your situation
it's clear that some people can't or won't play their part but my lot don't do much and then criticise me for being controlling! Caring for a nonagenarian means many things .
Fortunately my mother is the nicest person and does not demand anything - and although she never comments I think she knows what's what ( if she can remember !)
I love my siblings but I wouldn't choose them as my friends - friends are far more caring and supportive .
They are very self-centred and living their own lives and yet treat me as the one with the problem -
Family is such a tricky thing and ours is very disjointed - more so than ever ?

I was in exactly the same position. After my father died my mum was fine for a few years . Mother had always been a difficult person, sarcastic and not social, well able to drain the joy from any visit. I visited her at least weekly, a 40 minutes drive. I was working full time.

She gradually became more gentle natured and easier to visit. Despite having a brother who lived closer it fell to me to sort the large garden, cut hedges etc. Sometimes I got a man to do some heavier work.

Then it became clear that all was not well. Again I dealt with doc and eventually a crisis when I was not there convinced doc that an assessment was needed. Alzheimer's had come to visit.
A home package was put in place for which I was grateful despite it being woefully inadequate. I took all washing and ironing, did a food shop, not a lot as I'd also arranged meals on wheels, and cleaned the few rooms that she used. Brother visited mum at random taking a newspaper with him. But did no chores.
A few years I organised a care home 5 minutes walk from my home, brother was kept in the loop but didn't make any effort to help with the process. 2 months after entering the care home mum died. Brother did help greatly with the funeral arrangements.

I organised the house sale, the solicitor, the Will arrangements and eventually brother got his due half.

Something I got fed up with db but didn't fall out with him, he was always like that, his own home and garden were always in the midst of a job being done the was never completed.

We are good friends, mother had been difficult and at times especially sharp tongued with db wife who didn't deserve it. Alas, mother reaped what she sowed in that situation.

My brother is still woolly headed, he is also one of the kindest people I know. But, when it came to coping with mum I just knew I was on my own.

You know you are doing right behaviour. They know they are doing wrong behaviour.

Thankyou Tanith - exactly what my other half says ! Think I just needed to offload !

I would suggest you just carry on doing what you are doing for your Mum and ignore your siblings, you can't make people care if they don't want to so just do what you need to do and leave them to their own conscience.