Sibling issues - at my age !

I would suggest you just carry on doing what you are doing for your Mum and ignore your siblings, you can't make people care if they don't want to so just do what you need to do and leave them to their own conscience.

Thankyou Tanith - exactly what my other half says ! Think I just needed to offload !

You know you are doing right behaviour. They know they are doing wrong behaviour.

I was in exactly the same position. After my father died my mum was fine for a few years . Mother had always been a difficult person, sarcastic and not social, well able to drain the joy from any visit. I visited her at least weekly, a 40 minutes drive. I was working full time.

She gradually became more gentle natured and easier to visit. Despite having a brother who lived closer it fell to me to sort the large garden, cut hedges etc. Sometimes I got a man to do some heavier work.

Then it became clear that all was not well. Again I dealt with doc and eventually a crisis when I was not there convinced doc that an assessment was needed. Alzheimer's had come to visit.
A home package was put in place for which I was grateful despite it being woefully inadequate. I took all washing and ironing, did a food shop, not a lot as I'd also arranged meals on wheels, and cleaned the few rooms that she used. Brother visited mum at random taking a newspaper with him. But did no chores.
A few years I organised a care home 5 minutes walk from my home, brother was kept in the loop but didn't make any effort to help with the process. 2 months after entering the care home mum died. Brother did help greatly with the funeral arrangements.

I organised the house sale, the solicitor, the Will arrangements and eventually brother got his due half.

Something I got fed up with db but didn't fall out with him, he was always like that, his own home and garden were always in the midst of a job being done the was never completed.

We are good friends, mother had been difficult and at times especially sharp tongued with db wife who didn't deserve it. Alas, mother reaped what she sowed in that situation.

My brother is still woolly headed, he is also one of the kindest people I know. But, when it came to coping with mum I just knew I was on my own.

Cool gran65
hats off to you being so sanguine -and not falling out with your db - and sorry for your situation
it's clear that some people can't or won't play their part but my lot don't do much and then criticise me for being controlling! Caring for a nonagenarian means many things .
Fortunately my mother is the nicest person and does not demand anything - and although she never comments I think she knows what's what ( if she can remember !)
I love my siblings but I wouldn't choose them as my friends - friends are far more caring and supportive .
They are very self-centred and living their own lives and yet treat me as the one with the problem -
Family is such a tricky thing and ours is very disjointed - more so than ever ?

When both my parents needed caring for I had a moan about being an only child and how there was no one really to share anything with, although my eldest daughter helped all she could and was VERY supportive in information and getting outside help She made a very valid point and said to me Mum it doesn't matter how many children you have it will nearly always fall on one and my observations have been just that ... I have three children but I know if I need help it will be her that does it the other two are much to tied into their own lives and needs I hope I will have enough brain power left to put myself in a home as I don't want her to be burdened with my care

Hi , lostmyglasses you know in your heart that you are doing the right thing by your Mum . It always falls to one child in these situations and when she is gone you will be able to sit back in the knowledge that you were a good daughter and did all you could . It may be that your siblings are getting concerned that your Mum may leave everything to you , that sounds awful but it did spring to mind . I looked after my Mum in her last years , it was not a chore but there were times when I could have done with a bit of support which didn`t come from other family members .
I would just ignore the bad behaviour of your siblings , don`t enter into the childishness of them ignoring your texts etc . Having a moan on GN does you good !

Yes it crossed my mind too lost that they are belatedly getting more involved as they worry about inheritance .Unworthy thought..
I don't agree it always falls on one child .DB and my lovely SIL did most of the practical stuff for our DM but I loved 120 miles away and had two relatively young children plus I worked ft .TIhey were local with no children at home.I had always visited as often as posible (I loved her dearly as did my two DDs, her only grandchildren)When she had a terminal illness I visited nearly every weekend for 5 months .It was I who cleared her house of the personal and smaller stuff and did the paperwork when she died .

I used to frequently visit the Altzhmers forum and people would often talk about "the invisibles" those siblings that are never around to help. It's quiet common for one child -- take on-- be burdened with the responsibility of one or both elderly parents. I think their attitude may well be connected to guilt but in some cases it seems like denial of the fact their parent is aging and needs help.
No help I know but I thought it may help to realise it's not just your family

Are you prepared to continue as you are? - this would be the line that would cause the least trouble; and you would feel that you were doing your best for her, which is clearly important to you.

Have you actively argued about the situation? - if not, then one way forward might be to say something along the lines of "Mum is needing more help now; could we arrange a way of sharing it out?" - i.e. unemotional factual discussion. I realise this may not be possible.

This is a very common situation and one that I worked with very often during my career. There are several reasons usually for this - one is that the other siblings are just idle; another is that one person has habitually done the most and it has just drifted into being the status quo; another is that one sibling (usually the one who is taking the most responsibility) has developed particular ways of doing things and feels that the others do it "wrong" when they do get involved, so they back off and get fed up; another is geography - the person living the nearest tends to carry the bulk of the work because they are on the spot.

If you do manage to create a situation where the others do a bit more, you must be prepared that they may do things differently and you may have to hold the breath and bite the tongue a bit!!

It does sound a bit as though your best bet is to soldier on and not rise to the bait when the siblings say things that make you squirm.

When my parents were in the same situation the three of us took on different responsibilities: my brother dealt with finances, I dealt with organising the social care, and my sister (who was on the spot) did the most visiting. We seemed to slip into these roles in relation to our particular skills and to geographical proximity.

In your case it is probably best to just bash on since it has already become a bone of contention - it is hard to find a way back from that. In any event, the more you can try not to let it irk you, the better you will feel - maybe give up sending them messages, as their lack of response is just getting under your skin.

Good luck with it all - always a difficult situation.

This situation happens in so many families lostmyglasses, think you have to do what you can for your Mum and let them help as and when.
You do say things are not done as they should be by your family but perhaps your expectations are too great. Sometimes you have to take a step back and see that others are doing the best they can.
You are doing all you can and that is what is important. Good luck.

I feel for you, I am an only child so all responsibility fell to me anyway. Some of the things you have said do sound like you may be too controlling, the implication that only you know what she needs, how it should be done and the 'reminders' of how much care your mum needs are all set to rub people up the wrong way IMHO. Maybe you need to step back when they are doing stuff and accept the help rather than say it is being done wrong. If the end result is good for your mum then surely that's what is important. It is important too that she gets stimulation from a variety of people, so if you can let your siblings help when they want to, without criticism then I think that will be of benefit to her.
Good luck with it all

I feel your pain- I took on the care of both parents for the obvious reasons- being the eldest girl (of 7 siblings!) and proximity to them. My siblings were good in they visited and helped when they could but I had the main caring role as had always been closest. Luckgirl is right though, maybe we both have our ways of doing things and others may feel they couldn't compete so don't bother! I do think you should be honest and say you are struggling to care for your mum, could they help by.... If you have a specific list of things they could do would that help do you think? Try not to criticise what they don't do and they may get onside!

It sounds upsetting op.
My two siblings (both older) live near my mum & I'm at the other end of the country. My mum hasn't been in the best of health & I feel useless. I can't visit as often as I'd like as I am a kinship carer for my young gc. Neither of my siblings will take on mums care when she needs it. We all love her but she can be draining (glass half empty). The last few visits with mum have convinced me that I don't think I am the right person either ? I would have to uproot my life & my gc (away from her mum) & this is not practical or easy. Mum does have a husband but he's a useless individual who wont/can't look after her either!
Horrible situation but as siblings we won't fall out I hope.
Good luck op ?

When my mum had to be hospitilised as her Alzheimers had got beyond the point of any return, my dad moved in with me. I am an only child and so there was no-one else. It was fine for the first 10 years as he was strong and healthy. The last two years however were very difficult. He came very frail, demanding and needed more and more care. I was running a business, having to travel away from home etc, so it was all very stressful but there was no alternative. Care homes in Africa are not what they are here! Somehow we managed though. Today is the 14th anniversary of his death and I still miss him. When it's family you have to do whatever it takes

You can't really judge people's reasons from hearing one side. I can't travel for health reasons and my parents live in Canada and so my sister has to do the visiting. She can only visit once a year although she will go over in an emergency. I phone as often as I can.
I don't feel guilty partly because I would go if I could but also because she was always very much the favourite and always took advantage of it so now she gets the negatives. I used to find photos of family trips the three of them had gone on while I was at school. When I asked about it I was told 'well she's clever so she can miss a day of school'. They preferred her company then, so they can have it now. I don't think the dynamics of a family change during childhood change that much in adulthood. I'd rather help a stranger than my father.

You have my profound sympathy Lost. It's so very stressful to be in this situation, but somehow you have to lift it, and you are doing that. My brother and sister wouldn't help me either - even when I specifically asked and suggested a way we could share the care.We didn't fall out - they had their reasons - and I'm glad we didn't, but I feel sad that we couldn't help each other. Hang in there. When I was in your situation a colleague simply advised me to do my best, and I wouldn't regret it later. So true. Take care of yourself too if you can.

Lostmyglasses, you have the moral high-ground. OK, not particularly helpful but you can rest easy with your conscience. My sister upped sticks and emigrated to the USA when our mother, by then in her seventies, had several strokes and thereafter became increasingly frail, leaving all her care to me.

I can categorically say that in my case, although my sister was the 'golden girl' despite being problematical all her life, my mother knew who was undertaking all the slog.

Incidentally, I also shared proceeds of my mother's will with my sister in equal proportions. It might have been through gritted teeth(!) but this is what our mother wanted.

Could you ask for a 'family conference'? Prepare by writing out all the stuff that needs to be covered, from daily personal care, to shopping, cleaning, washing clothes, gardening, housework and house-hold repairs plus, of course social contact, then ask the whole family how this could be covered. The list could, hopefully, be shared out between family members, some of whom n
may have no understanding of what being elderly and frail entails.

In any case, although times are difficult for you now, I am sure that you will be pleased that you are 'doing the right thing'. This situation won't be for ever and you will be able to review these years with a clear conscience.

Been there, done that, took the flak for it from the 'absent' sibs

Mum was deep into dementia in a Home at the end. I knew the lay CofE preacher who came to do a Sunday service there, so I asked her if she would officiate at the Crem. Service. For me, after suffering services by duty vicars who clearly didn't know the deceased, it seemed important that the service was taken by someone who'd known her in life, so I wrote a few notes, including funny anecdotes. Mum dearly loved to laugh . These got read in full at the service and caused some smiles from her friends.

Finally, although I was so attached to her, her death was closure for me- over the years I'd looked after her, there were no loose ends, nothing left unsaid, no regrets. Her funeral, for me, was the celebration of a life well lived.

I once trained as a RMN, which certainly came in handy as she went further down into her own Twilight Zone (mum! I know what you've bought(kippers), I know why you've bought them (for tea), but for the love of all that's holy, mum, tell me where you've put them!, as the all-pervading smell rolled over the house...she didn't remember, of course, but my relief when I finally found them days later at the back of the upstairs airing cupboard (where else!) was immense. What l learned, tho, was hearing was the last sense to leave, so while mostly absent big sister went off to make her important phone calls "mum passed away at 11.10" I stayed with her, talking her out,
Sure she heard, as I was reminding her that I needed her around to be my Guardian Angel and, you know what? Every so often I get a whiff of her favourite scent, Ma Griffe by Carven. Fanciful, perhaps, but it pleases me to believe she's kept her promise.

lost I was hated by my sister because my actions reflected badly on hers and I think that you're enduring the 'controlling' accusations for precisely the same reasons, Makes sense to you?

All the best and to you and all the other carers out there.

Perhaps the sisters have an eye on the will and are afraid of being left out, but it has nothing to do with money - if you love a person and are in a position to care for them, that is its own reward. Most cultures revere the aged and consider it not just a duty but a privilege to look after them.

However, on a practical level, at a suitable moment, it may be worth suggesting to your mother that she draws up a power of attorney, if she has not already done so, giving you control of money and decisions should she become unable to do manage them herself. (This does not affect the way she has bequeathed her belongings in a will of course). Otherwise as she gets older she could be easily manipulated by others.

Ladies you have made me shed a tear with your supportive comments
There is so much sense and accuracy in them
I have tried all sorts of approaches to sort this but I always come out as the bad guy because I speak my mind and they don't like it
All we need to do is communicate but it's on,y ever two at a time although we did try a conference call once which was a catastrophe - personalities - 3 big ones
now they are going away together when last time they all fell out so badly there was a huge rift for years - I only found out onfacebook - it's like some strange false new bond has been struck up .
I will back off by necessity as I am away - previously tried to delegate some if the other duties but the vital things just don't happen - all that Matters is our mothers needs are tended to so she has no stress .
There is a money issue - we all have poa but only I have registered it to manage her bills shopping etc and she often offers me money but I always say it's got to be equal and then everybody gets a bit .i have offered this job to the others its quite a responsibility.
The will is simply divided equally but no possessions and I think someone put their name on something already ..!
Anyway partner and I needed to borrow a fairly large sum to temporarily sort out something - with her agreement first ( she would gladly have given it ) and my siblings agreement on the basis it would be paid back next year or worse case scenario when she passes .its in writing in an email everybody agreed and then siblings other half questioned that I may forget I borrowed it and could I just help myself to her money - the insinuation was horrible I am so so honest and I was v angry and hurt - but got the blame fir being foolish by reacting to this and since then nothing has been the same -but this should be a separate issue
and yes childhood family dynamics are not so different in adult hood - they really aren't . We came from a strange family - dominant father - but that's another story !
I will just carry on being me - ! It's what I do best .So I think I will bring it to a head before I go away .(sad)

I would think that all three having poa could become very difficult.

To protect yourself and everyone else, perhaps you could, if you do not already, all make sure that everybody knows how much is in the bank etc, and list items in the house that would be passed on rather than binned in the event of your mothers death, Then a budget could be agreed for household bills and for anything over and above eg a repair, gardening etc, the receipt be kept. If the accounts are kept ( say as a spreadsheet or in an account book) and shared with everyone on a regular basis, it would dispel any suspicion. Regarding objects, all could have a list of what is there and when the time comes (or before) you can get together to decide about who has what. Meanwhile of course your mum may be persuaded to give some things away if asked, which could cause friction, so when you get together you might talk about this and reach an agreement. It is apalling to be talking like this about a person's belongings before they are even dead, but many a family has been split over such matters, also, when and if, carers enter the picture, that is another whole ballgame. Most are lovely, caring people, but some aren't. Also elderly people can be targeted by antique collectors and common thieves, so that if she does have anything of great monetary or sentimental value, it might just be common sense to remove it either from the house or at least from view. How very sad that such things have to be said these days.

My sister, bless her, looked after my parents until their deaths. They lived near her, at her request and far from me. I never got on with them very well and she definitely did - she was their favourite (not my observation - theirs). Instead I supported my sister, keeping up her confidence and letting her know how special she was. I was always there when she needed a moan. This seemed to work and I know it suited us both as we are both extremely strong characters. On occasion we disagreed over matters, but I let it go as i wasn't worth upsetting things. Both are gone now and I treasure my sister even more.

It sounds as if money is an issue then - this complicates things enormously - and it is often the "in-law" sibling who cuts up rough.

Interesting that the siblings are now all palsy-walsy - nothing like a common "enemy" to consolidate relationships!