Sibling issues - at my age !

Fourboys - I am humbled by your message because you are dealing with other considerable issues as well as your parents.
I have come to the conclusion that because we are all so very different I life some people just do not have the emotional chemistry or sensitivity to deal with life's issues and people with emotional baggage, be they family or not ,often deflect their internal,issues rather than confronting them and transfer them to others in devisive negative ways .some people just cannot face up to who they are and act accordingly and I have seen this in so many aspects of my life family work friends - but family can be the most toxic. We just have to carry on being who we are and wear that badge with pride - that's my philosophy today having got this all out my system !

I can empathise, we have very elderly parents in late nineties, mum has Alzheimer's and dementia dads mind is mainly ok but he's very stubborn. They still live in their own 3 bed house with stairlift and bath lift also various other helping aids, but dad will not have any outside help. There's only my sibling and myself, about 7yrs ago sibling and her entire side of the family decided not to have anything to do with my husband and myself, to this day we don't know what we have or supposed to have done, we have sent letters asking and last year I text to say "as mum and dads health is deteriorating could we get together to discuss their needs". It was only when dad had to go in hospital sibling got a pad and wrote put any information from doctors on pad! Dad is now relatively well but sibling still will not discuss their needs which I feel is very selfish with no consideration for our parents.
My husband is amazing and goes to mum and dad three times a day and helps cook evening meal, I'm disabled and blind and get round there as often as possible, I also ring 3 times daily, sibling visits 3 times a week never weekends. How on earth are we going to give our fantastic mum and dad the best care in their final years if sibling will not communicate?

I think it is a common experience to find that every sibling has a different idea of what should be done.

My mother became quite passive in older age, coupled with a poor memory for day to day events. When she lived with me, I took her on SAGA all inclusive holidays which she loved. My brother said she didn't need to go n holiday because she could not 'remember' going etc. And made an absolute drama about handing her over to me rather than putting her in a home.

I think Lostmyclassesxx you need to do what it right. However if you are going to have a family confrontation I would not do it just before going on holiday. On the whole being consistently assertive is good. Also perhaps your mother could talk to them on Skype.

For my mother's possession, as we packed the house up before she went to live with my brother, we did sheets of address labels (quite easy on windows) and then stuck them on items we were interested in. However that didn't stop my sister taking a brass tray that had my name on back to USA. But that's families.

I have to say though I was disappointed in how my siblings operated, at one point they all wrote to mum's GP asking him not to agree to let her go on holiday!!

I had hoped in retirement to catch up with my siblings and forge closer bonds. I have, because of the care hassle, decided to focus on friends. I keep contact with siblings with occasional skype or phone calls.

This is all so reminiscent of my parents lives and deaths. I'm the youngest of 3, the only girl and of course I was the one to take all the responsibility. After dad died, it became obvious that he'd been covering up how bad her dementia had got. We lived twenty miles away and I worked but I was the shopper, cooker, cleaner etc.

After being admitted to a dementia ward during one of our occasional weeks holidays, she went into EMI homes (found and vetted by me) but near where one brother lived. He never visited! He'd call in on the way home from work occasionally, see that she was having her tea and leave quite satisfied she was ok, when she didn't even know he'd been!

Ultimately fed up of it all, I moved her near me where we could see her every day and give her the attention she needed at last. The one thing she said in her last weeks which stays with me was "I don't know who you are but I love you very much!" It's making me cry now!

The brother who lIves 200 miles away, of course, "would do everything if I could" and was the one who'd taken anything worth anything in the house when offered whereas I'd always insisted she should have the pleasure of them. I wish I had taken them as I'd have reminders of my parents now, I've nothing!

Sorry, this thread has reawakened all my feelings of unfairness etc. I do sympathise with your predicament, Lostmyglasses, and send you my best wishes. It's true, it only takes it out of you, not them so try to rise above it all.

My goodness I sympathise with your predicament. Like so many others have said, just carry on the good work and forget about them.

Many years ago I was the one looking after my Mum. My brother lived in New York and my sister 400 miles away. Both were keen to offer "helpful advice" on the phone and in letters, but it all fell to me, so I largely just got on with it. I have never regretted it.

This is such a common problem, I do feel for you. It was the same for me. I did almost everything, but in all honesty out of a sense of duty as I'd never been close to my mum. My brother, the apple of her eye, did very little & only showed interest when money came into the equation. Now she's gone we are barely in contact with each other. Just the odd facebook message. I expected that, but it still makes me sad. But as others have said, your conscience will be clear. And so is mine x

The worry is it will be me one day and not sure who I can rely on
I have a friend who has a plan that all like minded friends club together to buy a property and end our days in glorious decadence with nurses and carers and cocktails
But you have to do it before you lose the plot and your memory !

Oh God! Issues over care of elderly parents! Tell me about it! It has affected the relationships of everyone I know who has had this responsibility including mine.

The old joke-

"We had a family meeting about my elderly dad the other day. All he does is stare through the window. I want to let him in but my brother and sister don't want to"

Thanks Candelle- tried lists. Don't get a response except I am being bossy and we all do what we do in our own way ..which is not a great deal really ?

Sorry Violette for your situation But Thankyou for your comments
That's awfully sad
You can't make people be what they aren't or do what they don't want to ..flesh and blood does not necessarily bake a good cake !? Very bad analogy but you get my drift !

Joint and several power of attorney for finance only but nobody wants to do anything with it

My partners brother took their dead fathers washing machine away in his car after the funeral and nobody saw him again !
That kind of says it all really !
Happy days !

You are doing a sterling job ...with, it would seem, little help from your siblings ! In the case of my husband, all the care of his mother fell to his widowed sister who had three children, all grown up. He used to send money to his sister and his mum for little luxuries ..and we visited from Spain once a year ...and he paid for his sister to bring his mother over every year for a holiday, when he took her out and about ..she loved the island, and so we suggested she might come and live with us (we had enough room) but she chose to stay in her flat in London, as she said she would miss looking at everyone in the street, and watching the children playing (a busy South London street) .....my husband was her favourite, but sadly when she died suddenly, he was in hospital having a knee replacement, so unable to go to London for the funeral. His daughter was staying with us at the time so I went to London for the funeral. I stayed in a hotel as one of his other sisters came over from Canada, and his other sister and his brother were also staying ....when I went to see them, to ask about funeral arrangements, they said they 'would let me know' ...and that she really wanted my husband to visit her in hospital before she died. They never told me when the funeral was, or where ...so I was unable to go ...I tried to phone everyone I knew to find out, but because of confidentiality no one could tell me . Result, his brother was appointed Executor of her will, and as she had just written 'my children' in her Will, they decided to exclude my husband as he never went to see her immediately before she died ! The Will has nothing to do with it, as she had nothing to leave, bless her ....but there were some precious photos of my husband meeting the Queen and various other small things he would have liked back (he had lent them to his mother as she asked for them to show her friends !) .....now, sadly, none of them speaks to him...

In my case, my dear dad turned down the offer of an ensuite room and small lounge in the big house I had in Essex, before I moved ...as he said 'she (my daughter who was only 4 then !) ...talks too much'.....so he got himself a retirement flat which was quite a way from me, and I visited him whenever I could and my brother went down from Newcastle to see him whenever he could ....he loved being on his own, although I worried about him ...fortunately, apart from emphysymia he was quite healthy and able to get about until the end, which was very quick ......he refused to see the doctor, so I called him from where I lived, and the doctor went but my dad refused to let him in !! Then he pulled the emergency cord in his flat one night, was taken to hospital, who rang me to tell me, I even managed, luckily, to speak to him ...he sounded ok but the next morning early he died .....before I was able to get to Ipswich, so I was very sad about that as I did love my dad, and still do, of course ! My mother was different ...always (my dad told me after she died at the age of 64 from breast cancer) said she never wanted me anyway !! I was on honeymoon when she died and so did not get to the funeral as no one told me until I got back !

My brother and I get on well, and as my job in the NHS only allowed me a few days off to sort things out, I did all that I could in the way of paperwork, phone calls, etc etc and then my brother took leave from his job and went down to sort out the flat. We each had the little things we wanted to remember my dad by ....and there was no argument over what he left, or to whom ....everything was split equally between us (I remember my dad saying, when he sold the family home to go into the flat ...I have put the money away for you and your brother) ....we both told him to spend it and enjoy his life !

It is unfortunate when siblings fall out, and make it difficult for you all. I wonder how they will cope with your mother when you are not there ? I hope your mother doesn't tell them you have abandoned her (which is not true, but some elderly people tend to do this to make it look worse than just going on holiday !) and I hope your siblings are able to cope whilst you are not there. If, when you return, things have gone smoothly and your mother is happy, you could ask her directly if she enjoyed seeing her other children, and if she would like to see more of them ...and if so, perhaps SHE and not you, could ask them to visit more often or do little things like shopping, house maintenance, etc ? Might have a better effect on them than you asking

Whatever happens, you are doing your best in difficult circumstance so you can be proud of that ! Enjoy your holiday ......you can ask your siblings to keep in touch if they would be willing to, or if you want them to, during your holiday ! Your husband is right in what he says ...but does he have elderly parents too ? ps sorry this is such a long diatribe !

Lostmyglassesxxx, try another conference call or make a date for you all to be in one place together. List all of the problems and then coolly ask 'who is going to do what for mother?'

The only way you have the issues addressed is if they are listed, noted and acted on. Otherwise everyone will be quite content for you to do everything. I know, I've been there and done that!

You'll have the moral high-ground but on dark nights that may not be quite enough..... It will be consolation when this is all over but I am still cross with my sister and it is many years since our mother passed away! Stupid, I know but please do try and have your family accept some of their responsibilities (I bet that they'll accept proceeds of the Will!).

It sounds as if money is an issue then - this complicates things enormously - and it is often the "in-law" sibling who cuts up rough.

Interesting that the siblings are now all palsy-walsy - nothing like a common "enemy" to consolidate relationships!

My sister, bless her, looked after my parents until their deaths. They lived near her, at her request and far from me. I never got on with them very well and she definitely did - she was their favourite (not my observation - theirs). Instead I supported my sister, keeping up her confidence and letting her know how special she was. I was always there when she needed a moan. This seemed to work and I know it suited us both as we are both extremely strong characters. On occasion we disagreed over matters, but I let it go as i wasn't worth upsetting things. Both are gone now and I treasure my sister even more.

I would think that all three having poa could become very difficult.

To protect yourself and everyone else, perhaps you could, if you do not already, all make sure that everybody knows how much is in the bank etc, and list items in the house that would be passed on rather than binned in the event of your mothers death, Then a budget could be agreed for household bills and for anything over and above eg a repair, gardening etc, the receipt be kept. If the accounts are kept ( say as a spreadsheet or in an account book) and shared with everyone on a regular basis, it would dispel any suspicion. Regarding objects, all could have a list of what is there and when the time comes (or before) you can get together to decide about who has what. Meanwhile of course your mum may be persuaded to give some things away if asked, which could cause friction, so when you get together you might talk about this and reach an agreement. It is apalling to be talking like this about a person's belongings before they are even dead, but many a family has been split over such matters, also, when and if, carers enter the picture, that is another whole ballgame. Most are lovely, caring people, but some aren't. Also elderly people can be targeted by antique collectors and common thieves, so that if she does have anything of great monetary or sentimental value, it might just be common sense to remove it either from the house or at least from view. How very sad that such things have to be said these days.

Ladies you have made me shed a tear with your supportive comments
There is so much sense and accuracy in them
I have tried all sorts of approaches to sort this but I always come out as the bad guy because I speak my mind and they don't like it
All we need to do is communicate but it's on,y ever two at a time although we did try a conference call once which was a catastrophe - personalities - 3 big ones
now they are going away together when last time they all fell out so badly there was a huge rift for years - I only found out onfacebook - it's like some strange false new bond has been struck up .
I will back off by necessity as I am away - previously tried to delegate some if the other duties but the vital things just don't happen - all that Matters is our mothers needs are tended to so she has no stress .
There is a money issue - we all have poa but only I have registered it to manage her bills shopping etc and she often offers me money but I always say it's got to be equal and then everybody gets a bit .i have offered this job to the others its quite a responsibility.
The will is simply divided equally but no possessions and I think someone put their name on something already ..!
Anyway partner and I needed to borrow a fairly large sum to temporarily sort out something - with her agreement first ( she would gladly have given it ) and my siblings agreement on the basis it would be paid back next year or worse case scenario when she passes .its in writing in an email everybody agreed and then siblings other half questioned that I may forget I borrowed it and could I just help myself to her money - the insinuation was horrible I am so so honest and I was v angry and hurt - but got the blame fir being foolish by reacting to this and since then nothing has been the same -but this should be a separate issue
and yes childhood family dynamics are not so different in adult hood - they really aren't . We came from a strange family - dominant father - but that's another story !
I will just carry on being me - ! It's what I do best .So I think I will bring it to a head before I go away .(sad)

Perhaps the sisters have an eye on the will and are afraid of being left out, but it has nothing to do with money - if you love a person and are in a position to care for them, that is its own reward. Most cultures revere the aged and consider it not just a duty but a privilege to look after them.

However, on a practical level, at a suitable moment, it may be worth suggesting to your mother that she draws up a power of attorney, if she has not already done so, giving you control of money and decisions should she become unable to do manage them herself. (This does not affect the way she has bequeathed her belongings in a will of course). Otherwise as she gets older she could be easily manipulated by others.

Been there, done that, took the flak for it from the 'absent' sibs

Mum was deep into dementia in a Home at the end. I knew the lay CofE preacher who came to do a Sunday service there, so I asked her if she would officiate at the Crem. Service. For me, after suffering services by duty vicars who clearly didn't know the deceased, it seemed important that the service was taken by someone who'd known her in life, so I wrote a few notes, including funny anecdotes. Mum dearly loved to laugh . These got read in full at the service and caused some smiles from her friends.

Finally, although I was so attached to her, her death was closure for me- over the years I'd looked after her, there were no loose ends, nothing left unsaid, no regrets. Her funeral, for me, was the celebration of a life well lived.

I once trained as a RMN, which certainly came in handy as she went further down into her own Twilight Zone (mum! I know what you've bought(kippers), I know why you've bought them (for tea), but for the love of all that's holy, mum, tell me where you've put them!, as the all-pervading smell rolled over the house...she didn't remember, of course, but my relief when I finally found them days later at the back of the upstairs airing cupboard (where else!) was immense. What l learned, tho, was hearing was the last sense to leave, so while mostly absent big sister went off to make her important phone calls "mum passed away at 11.10" I stayed with her, talking her out,
Sure she heard, as I was reminding her that I needed her around to be my Guardian Angel and, you know what? Every so often I get a whiff of her favourite scent, Ma Griffe by Carven. Fanciful, perhaps, but it pleases me to believe she's kept her promise.

lost I was hated by my sister because my actions reflected badly on hers and I think that you're enduring the 'controlling' accusations for precisely the same reasons, Makes sense to you?

All the best and to you and all the other carers out there.

Lostmyglasses, you have the moral high-ground. OK, not particularly helpful but you can rest easy with your conscience. My sister upped sticks and emigrated to the USA when our mother, by then in her seventies, had several strokes and thereafter became increasingly frail, leaving all her care to me.

I can categorically say that in my case, although my sister was the 'golden girl' despite being problematical all her life, my mother knew who was undertaking all the slog.

Incidentally, I also shared proceeds of my mother's will with my sister in equal proportions. It might have been through gritted teeth(!) but this is what our mother wanted.

Could you ask for a 'family conference'? Prepare by writing out all the stuff that needs to be covered, from daily personal care, to shopping, cleaning, washing clothes, gardening, housework and house-hold repairs plus, of course social contact, then ask the whole family how this could be covered. The list could, hopefully, be shared out between family members, some of whom n
may have no understanding of what being elderly and frail entails.

In any case, although times are difficult for you now, I am sure that you will be pleased that you are 'doing the right thing'. This situation won't be for ever and you will be able to review these years with a clear conscience.

You have my profound sympathy Lost. It's so very stressful to be in this situation, but somehow you have to lift it, and you are doing that. My brother and sister wouldn't help me either - even when I specifically asked and suggested a way we could share the care.We didn't fall out - they had their reasons - and I'm glad we didn't, but I feel sad that we couldn't help each other. Hang in there. When I was in your situation a colleague simply advised me to do my best, and I wouldn't regret it later. So true. Take care of yourself too if you can.

You can't really judge people's reasons from hearing one side. I can't travel for health reasons and my parents live in Canada and so my sister has to do the visiting. She can only visit once a year although she will go over in an emergency. I phone as often as I can.
I don't feel guilty partly because I would go if I could but also because she was always very much the favourite and always took advantage of it so now she gets the negatives. I used to find photos of family trips the three of them had gone on while I was at school. When I asked about it I was told 'well she's clever so she can miss a day of school'. They preferred her company then, so they can have it now. I don't think the dynamics of a family change during childhood change that much in adulthood. I'd rather help a stranger than my father.

When my mum had to be hospitilised as her Alzheimers had got beyond the point of any return, my dad moved in with me. I am an only child and so there was no-one else. It was fine for the first 10 years as he was strong and healthy. The last two years however were very difficult. He came very frail, demanding and needed more and more care. I was running a business, having to travel away from home etc, so it was all very stressful but there was no alternative. Care homes in Africa are not what they are here! Somehow we managed though. Today is the 14th anniversary of his death and I still miss him. When it's family you have to do whatever it takes

It sounds upsetting op.
My two siblings (both older) live near my mum & I'm at the other end of the country. My mum hasn't been in the best of health & I feel useless. I can't visit as often as I'd like as I am a kinship carer for my young gc. Neither of my siblings will take on mums care when she needs it. We all love her but she can be draining (glass half empty). The last few visits with mum have convinced me that I don't think I am the right person either ? I would have to uproot my life & my gc (away from her mum) & this is not practical or easy. Mum does have a husband but he's a useless individual who wont/can't look after her either!
Horrible situation but as siblings we won't fall out I hope.
Good luck op ?

I feel your pain- I took on the care of both parents for the obvious reasons- being the eldest girl (of 7 siblings!) and proximity to them. My siblings were good in they visited and helped when they could but I had the main caring role as had always been closest. Luckgirl is right though, maybe we both have our ways of doing things and others may feel they couldn't compete so don't bother! I do think you should be honest and say you are struggling to care for your mum, could they help by.... If you have a specific list of things they could do would that help do you think? Try not to criticise what they don't do and they may get onside!