Mother in law situation

Oh, heck! The spoon licking is a very primitive 'fouling' to claim possession. A bit like a animal rubbing its bottom on a tree to claim it. So, it could be worse! I think you need to be pleasant but a lot less passive, infact see her as who she is,- the lady who just happens to be your MIL. It might help if you gently hold a 'mirror' up for her, at times. And 'Crikey, you'll cut your tongue!' &/or 'I'll get you a spoon' would change the whole knife in jar thing to daftness. It seems that she wanted to disrespect you to the point of frightening you but she may have misinterpreted you to the point of distress. A helpful neutral family member or friend and an afternoon cuppa and cake might work wonders to sort things out. If things are way beyond that, just go with being polite, kind but not a doormat. And hope, as we all must, that you stay nice in older age!

I have two sons-in-law and get on really well with both of them! I'm glad they are both so nice and are looking after our daughters so well. On the other hand, when I told my parents that my husband and I were going to get married, they were horrible! I was just 40 when we got married and I knew immediately he was the one, after a long wait, but my parents said that he was only marrying me so that he could live in this country and that once he was here he would bring all his family from Greece over as well! I got so fed-up with it that I gave them back their front-door key and said I wasn't going to see them any more ( my father was always a control freak and my Mum tended to go along with him).They said they wouldn't come to the wedding and I said "Fine!" All the rest of my family and friends were all for it. I didn't want to go and see them before the wedding, because I was so angry, but my fiancé made me go and make up with them. They came round, as they were afraid they were going to lose me forever, and did come to the wedding,, but to her dying day my Mum said she wished I had married a nice doctor or a teacher or a solicitor, despite the fact that my husband was so kind to her and would go round to her house at the drop of a hat if she needed something done. My Greek Mother-in-law, on the other hand, was wonderful and was kindness itself. She accepted me completely and we had an excellent relationship and no, none of his family came over to live with us, they all had their own lives and families in Greece, although they visit us and we visit them.

The consensus seems to be to steer clear from her, and having decided to have as little contact with her as possible a huge weight has lifted from me. I am able to do this as my sons are now grownup up so they can arrange their own contact with their grandparents. Obviously I don't want to stop relations between them. The scales have fallen from my and DH 's eyes. But it has also really made me think carefully about my role as MIL as I have three sons and no daughters, so will tread even more carefully than I might have done. So that's a good thing to come out of it.

I had the same but with my own mother. Last big row I was "dead to her", fine, I walked out and have hardly had contact since. That was about 4 years ago. I don't need someone in my life who makes me ill. She told me she wished my own DD would treat me badly. Why? All I ever did was run around after her, looking after her, making her feel special and that is how I got treated, well, no more.

Exactly what Bibbity said. I had this nasty attitude from my OHs family. They were nasty to his ex wife as well, but unfortunately ( for them) they didn't realise that no two women could be more different. I told OH I wouldn't be going to anymore family gatherings. I said I didn't mind if he went. He stuck by me and they didn't see him for a while, they soon changed. At least to my face.

OP. Why are you subjecting yourself to this woman?
You don't need to be abused. You are an adult with your own family. What does this woman bring to your life? Be done with her. She verbally assulted you. Done.
Tell your DH that she is no longer allowed near you, she is no longer allowed in your home and perosnally I'd not allow her near your children.
Anyone who can treat the mother of their grandchildren like that doesn't need to be around them.
Your children will pick up on her behaviour and then begin questioning why they need to respect you.
If DH wants to see her fine. But he keeps her away from you.

Sometimes I would like to be a difficult MIL especially with one DIL who ignores me when I visit and generally makes me feel uncomfortable and unwelcome . However I never interfere or criticise and try to be the best MIL I can be for my Sons sake . I would never do any of the things that the MIL in question does and find it very strange behaviour especially the Knife thing , the honey would have gone straight into the bin in full view . Another `Goody two shoes ` comment about to come my way !

Sorry should have written "dreamed" not "draped"!

Having fairly recently become a MIL and Grandmother may I suggest an alternative view. I have been amazed at how tricky it is to hit the right note as a MIL. Especially as I have only one child, my son is very dear to me and learning to sit back and let go has not been easy. I was an only parent and he was the reason for almost everything I did for about 20 years. I encouraged him to fly the nest and see the world. I was absolutely delighted when he introduced me to his girlfriend who was to become his wife, and I welcomed her wholeheartedly, but there were times when it was very difficult to overcome the natural mothering instinct that I had relied on for decades, and let someone else do the loving and caring. And seeing him give her cuddles when he no longer wanted to cuddle me made me feel very much on the very edge of his life. It might sound pathetic but that was how I felt. And when the first GC was born I couldn't do anything right for my DIL and still can't, so being a Grandmother has proved a challenge too. I would never have draped in a million years that I was going to struggle in this way.

Is there any chance that your MIL has felt pushed out, and has struggled to cope with sharing her son? Does she have other children apart from your husband? I would be upset by the behaviour you described. Some people are just like that for no good reason though. Sorry probably not been much help!

Oh I feel your pain, my finger would go black & fall off before I finished telling you about my MIL! She has a history of mental illness addicted to any drug she can get her hands on, uses suicide attempts as a way or pulling us into line, I swear she has munchausen's. My husband is an only child, I'm only a vessel that provided grandchildren!
We live know where near & she can tell you down to the last second how many times we've visited! The close family up there accepts this behaviour as just (insert her name?) they won't do anything about it & don't see a problem as long as she throws the cash around which she does, my children are massively spoilt from this, over £300 worth of toys turned up in the 1st week of school holls, I didn't want them to feel bored! I take that to mean that I'm a useless patent who can't entertain her 3 children!
She has a pip to get her up, dressed, washed, star lift to get her upstairs, yet I've seen her on the trampoline, she has a hoist for the bath, a bed that moves up & down yet she insists its her right to stay at our house! 3 kids a small 3 bed house with stairs that we barley fit into. Why would she do that? We have none of those facilities here not even room for a spare blow up bed really & the last time she came I cleaned up her faeces off the seat, roll & wall!
She bought bunk beds & a single bed for her house without telling us in a move to force us to visit more often, we tried it was awful the kids hated it they were crying desperate to get home,same for me!! trying to diplomatically say visits like this have failed telling the truth failed. I dread phone calls, hide during Skype (do does hubby) she makes me ill!
Attempts to change things never work, grievances are aired, solutions determined & the the behaviour goes right back to how it was before!

Gin & chocolate are my coping methods! X

I have just written a long post regarding our DIL but managed to lose it. Just as well! In short, she's the daughter-in- law-from- hell.Since becoming engaged to our son she's done everything possible to sever the family ties and love, telling lies to our son which he believed. The great Ox. The lies reached our ears, but whenever we asked son to discuss this problem,he just says he doesn't want to discuss it. Since they married we have never been invited to their house. Her Mother whenever we meet hisses in my ear that 'we have more money than them' ugh...in absolute truth, I really looked forward to having a DIL, but what a shock. I have no idea if our son is happy, he's so ridiculously proud and secretive, we love him so much and I itch to smack the back of his legs. I've had the big C a couple of times and really don't want through stress, to have it again.
So, I've walked away.

I think some MIL use the unpleasant behaviour as a strategy to get their sons to visit by themselves.
My MiL acheived this as I didn't visit for many years.
Now I help to care for her as she has dementia.

I also speak as a MIL
when I say that even though I have a good relationship with my DiL,
I would love to have some one to one time with my son.

I am sorry that you have been slighted for so long. Possible dementia aside please try to make a pause when being referred to as she, written out of owning the marital home, or any demeaning challenging asides and the overt confrontations and ask what she means, listen to the answer or bluster and repeat phrasing the question again. It is scary but if you can bring her slights into the open she just may be able to view you more honestly, is she putting you into the role of the family scapegoat, too afraid to address her own issues? The licking is almost that she wanted to spit at you, honey is a powerful antibacterial though. Question by starting with what, when, how, do not use why as it is too provoking. My late MIL was loving and giving, she lost her own mother at 11 so perhaps she knew she had to try harder, there are no second chances.

The MIl/ DIL relationship is much discussed on MNet, and MILs get a very rough ride there. I am both a MIL with two sons and I am also a DIL.
I find the MIL role very tricky but I do have more sympathy with my own MIL now I am one myself.
My MIL was incapable of sitting down and discussing how she felt about me ( or any other emotion ) and at the beginning of my relationship with her son, I was also too immature to stand my ground. I was unable to stick up for myself and challenge her behaviour, which was snippy. I think we both looked for hurt, when there probably wasn't any.
I so wish I had been able to challenge her when she said that she didn't want me to marry her son, and ' couldn't I find anyone else to marry? She said it when her son had left the room.
As you can imagine it was a extremely foolish thing to say to me. She should have been saying it to him. If I had been more mature and confidant I should have said ' hang on, I will go and get your son and you can say it to him, but I didn't. I was struck absolutely dumb.
We ( her son and I) were going back to Uni and I sobbed all the way back. I told my husband to be in the car, what had gone on and he stonewalled me. I didn't understand what stonewalling was either. He doesn't stonewall me now.
I think if you can, you should stick up for yourself, but not hold a grudge and have a genuine desire to develop a relationship. It is a bit difficult, if either the DIL or MIl is bonkers though.
Anyone with sons is going to be a MIL ..... I thank God I have a girls as well as boys.

I have been amazed at how many unpleasant MILS there are around and feel
sorry that some on here have had to put up with such difficult women.
I always say "those women are the type that give the rest of us a bad name " although I'm not actually a MIL. I was so fortunate to have had a lovely MIL in my first marriage. When we told her that we were going to split up and divorce she said I would always be her daughter. Having read of other's experiences I am deeply grateful that she was in my life.
Good Luck to you all who have a very difficult situation with your MIL.

The knife licking thing would get to me more than anything. My uncle used to do that and when he stayed I just designated the jam jar as his and he was given the remains to take as he left( in a food parcel)

How important are you going to let this be?

I remember discovering that a friend had caught religion. Not just in a nice English C. of E. way, enjoying the reassurance and the flowers in church etc. but a full-blown "taking up the church as a career" way. Like the clock that struck 13, it put all his OTHER opinions into suspicion.

Brexit has divided many of us in the same way. "How can a person who has followed their emotions rather than their head be trusted with ANYTHING now?" Largely the fault of the dishonest campaigning from both sides.

You could try using a tactic useful for surly teens. Sweetly say when she is being aggressive, 'Did you mean to phrase that in such an unpleasant/aggressive manner?'

She can either say yes, in which case you know where you stand, or no, which will give her a pause for thought to consider her attitude.

Don't expect miracles, though!

Is the knife-licking honey jar routine done in front of others at table? I would take the jar off the table immediately, put the lid on and throw it away, saying, "Just because Granny does it doesn't mean anyone can lick their knife and put it into the honey".

I think some deep rooted feelings have come to the surface everywhere and in many families, following Brexit - to dismiss this political idiocy as unimportant, shows, I'm afraid, a lack understanding and insight into just how much this has affected people in different ways. It might also be symptomatic of other issues - smaller ones - where a similar lack of insight has been shown. Sorry - not dementia - breakdown of communication - just as much on your part as hers. She clearly becomes aggressive - you may be the passive aggressive one!

Moorlikeit - yes I agree about redheads and I was using banal stereotyping. I was bullied myself for having red hair, pale skin etc
I totally retract that red heads have more of a quick temper. I think I was trying to explain away a trait of mine which I'm not proud of.

Grumpy old people are the pits, I know, I am one.

Inhibitions diminish with age and dementia can play a part in that and the usual disappointment that one didn't live a different life.

I would wrap the honey jar up and send her the remains for her birthday pr Christmas as she enjoyed it so much.

I have a system, I keep a happy jar, notes to myself about the unexpected good things that happen and a piece of paper in the kitchen drawer with the name of awkward people on, written in pencil, this remind me that we can put people where they can't hurt us and it all fades in time anyway.

Get the happy jar out on a regular basis, its surprising how much good stuff we forget while fretting about old buggers an their knife licking habits.

To be fair to the old girl I don't like my sons partners...or my daughters.........or their dogs /cats / in-laws, must be an age thing.

Thanks to all for your comments. It does help to hear others have faced similar problems. She has always been provocative sometimes and then overly nice the next minute. I have usually ignored but sometimes flare up. I do feel some of the behaviour is now worse and so it may be the beginning of a mental issue. DH is now taking it seriously which is a good thing, in the past he has been very evasive and avoided conflict.
Interesting how Brexit issues have provoked such emotions. Me and DH are the soggy lefties weeping into our lattes but we thought we were pretty self deprecating and avoided bringing up the subject at all costs. MIL however was spooling for a fight (which is when face jabbing incident occurred).Our children (her gcs) now all grown up which might be another reason why things have come up now. At least things were relatively calm when they were young as I bit my tongue so much.
Am now keeping a distance but DH is going to keep an eye on them but in more of a cool manner.

Redheadcat, many sensible responses here which I hope will help you deal with your MIL's unacceptable behaviour. However, I must protest at your constant reinforcement of the stereotyping of redheads as quick-tempered. It is a facile association that has nothing to do with reality. Redheads have the same range of personality traits as those with different coloured hair. I often think that redheads are their own worst enemies in perpetuating this nonsense. Sorry if I sound harsh but the bullying of redheads in our society is as unacceptable to me as racial abuse and I feel that redheads should not be propagating demonstrably untrue and banal stereotyping.

I thought the very same thing