How do I make friends?

Hi Flowergran, I have done the opposite of you, I am an American who moved to Britain (Scotland). I too found it hard to make friends at first. I agree that work colleagues are often not really friends (nice to have a "friendly" atmosphere though) especially if they are younger. I agree with Anya that it is hard making friends when you are older, even with those of the same age, because everyone has pretty much got their life the way they want it, or at least they have a routine, and have probably had the same friends and social activities for years. I also agree that joining things for the sake of friendship alone would probably make you look "needy", but do try something you've always wanted to do. I have tried quilting, gardening, genealogy (solitary pursuits all, but a club or class for each of them). I do belong to a church and that is where my best friends are, the ones I see most regularly, because we share the same values and especially because we pray together. But even there, it took years to feel really a part of things, and that is no-one's fault.

If you like the people you work with, and would like to be friends with them, then I would say try once again? Perhaps next time you overhear them organising an outing/meal ask "ooo can I come?". They might say, of course you can, or if you get 'the face' (like they obviously don't want you to go) just laugh and say "only joking! Ha ha!" And then walk off. Either way you win! You'll either have your foot in or given them a poke in the eye.

I have not kept in touch with any work colleagues as friends since I retired. I find it difficult to talk about personal things with people who I don't know. I think I appear cold as I am not chatty until I know you so a vicious circle. My daughter is at home with her 2 children and I see them 2/3 times a week. My husband goes to an Italian group once a week and has his allotment, I belong to a quilting and embroidery groups which takes me out 2 Saturdays but I have made no close friends there. I have noticed that some people seemed to give you their life history on first meeting and I suppose you should do the same but I just say husband, 2 children, 2 grandchildren. Maybe not quite as blunt as that but cannot go into great detail as they do.

Don't be disappointed if you don't connect with others at clubs and classes. As part of my job before I retired, I took night classes and observed that few people connected with each other. They would either come along in pairs and only talk to each other, or come alone and prefer to talk to me before and after the class. I think as others have said, only go along if you enjoy the subject. I am sure there are exceptions, but please don't feel there is something wrong with you if friendships fail to happen.

I have had a dismal failure since retiring. I was going to join the gardening club until I found out that a neighbour was the president and I don't like him .

The other thing I tried was emailing the U3A, only to be told that they were oversubscribed and the room was too small. They said they would get back to me when they found a bigger room. That was two years ago!

I am busy enough with the family, although it would be nice to have like minded friends. It is difficult as you get older though.

Hello folks. Having a dog is a great idea....but only when a working life. is finished IMO. They need human company
nearly as much as we do. Walking a dog gets one meeting others and joining a Dog Agility Group helps to keep dog and owner fit. Good Luck to all who feel a bit lonely today.

Like Flowergran I find it hard to understand when unpleaseant characters (of curse that's only my opinion) are surrounded by friends and supporters. There is one person in particular I know who, to me and my DH, is rude and ignorant and is surrounded by people practically bowing and scraping to her. Odd.

I fully retired at the age of seventy in 2014 and my dearest friend died suddenly the day before my retirement day. It has knocked me for six and I am completely devastated . We were both young divorced Mums when we met so spent a lot of time together. We enjoyed similar pursuits , books, film, travel, politics etc etc. We both had other friends and of course we both worked. The two of us went to Italy and to New York and had a wonderful time. She fully retired at sixty five . I finally decided it was time and we both planned outings and a holiday , both really looked forward to life. Then she was taken ill with an unknown heart disease, was hospitalized and died three weeks later. I've been mourning her ever since. I have joined a local Craft Group, lovely ladies but they all have their friends . I do see other friends occasionally but they are married with retired husbands at home. It's very difficult making good friends when you're old .

I’m there and still wearing the teeshirt. And in similar circumstances. My husband and I moved to the outback of Spain almost eleven years ago and, while I do speak Spanish, the natives hear speak a local brand, in which I have no interest. My husband doesn’t like people and I crave them.

My husband gained by moving here and I lost big style. Our village consists of seven other people and I don’t even have the pleasure of going to work.

The only saving grace I have is teaching English to Spaniards, all done over the phone. Not so much teaching now, as most of my students arrive with a fair level of English, so I am helping them maintain and improve their level of understanding, as well as get ready for an interview or an exam. This is now my (should we call it ‘chat line’?) community.

Could you do something similar? You don’t need to be a teacher to help someone maintain their level but you do have to be nice and maybe a little crazy for communication. Laugh, joke, explain that phrase. Are there any colleges near you who would like a friendly English-speaking person to appear at classes as a volunteer, on whom the students can practise? As I live in the outback, I have never met any of my students but I have good, and very welcome, communication, with people who both need and like me. And I like them.

If you have any other skills, think wider. How can you help others with that skill? Thinking of opportunities is fun in itself.

Good luck.

I suppose it also depends on what you mean by "friend" too.

I've met some great people at the school gates; at least 4 have turned into "friends". I call a friend someone to whom you would feel able to offload a problem. Then there are friends who are actually acquaintances; people whom you know, like and can chat to and even ask/ reciprocate a favour but they're not really friends as you may not have quite enough in common to sustain a friendship as such.

Then there are people whom you have known for eons; old neighbours, people you've grown up with maybe-people with whom you share a bond but, again, not quite "friends" with.

I haven't many friends really but those I have I value. I've reestablished friendships through social media lately, had school reunions and, with some people, the years have just falls away. Some of these people I haven't seen for 30 years. Some bonds just stick, somehow.

Greyduster

Rather like 'Health' or 'Happiness' I think making good friends is down to chance and circumstances - you either click with someone or you don't. I met my best friend of 30 years at the school gates, other friends through work, and activities such as book club.

It's not necessarily harder to make friends as you get older, unless you're isolated and stay indoors - yesterday I had a long liquid lunch with a nursing colleague whom I've only known for three years. We have so much in common that we yapped and laughed for about four hours!

I live alone and very happy with my own company but I do value my friends and thankful that I've been lucky in this regard.

Choirs are quite good, too, if you have time. It's easy to go on your own and the emphasis is on the singing, not socialising, so less pressured. Good for mental health, too.

I agree with others that Meetup is good. I have also met friends by attending things I enjoy doing - in my case book groups and music groups, but whatever your interests are. It is hard to go on your own at first, but worth it as you will eventually bond with some people. Good luck.

I had friends that were married/single and not interested in going out clubbing in the evenings and also friends that were single and not interested in meeting men as they were sick of all the let-downs. I was fed up with staying in all the time. I put an ad in the local paper in the "lonely hearts" section which also had an option for "friendship". I met a couple of women through this and initially went for a drink with them to see if we got on. Eight years later I am still friends with one of them. It may be worth a try. Or maybe joining an aerobics or similar class/evening class may help.

Advertise in yours magazine. My friends had all passed away.I got quite a few replies to my add but found someone local and she is a very good friend to me.

Hold your head high Gillybob..& all of you ladies....if snubbed by a group...they're really not worth bothering with.......no friends are better than false friends....i'm thinking of joining a few groups/organisations when I return from my holidays in a couple of weeks...may even volunteer to sell poppies for rememberance day in November....what else could i do??? ideas welcome!!!!

Hello to all of you lovely ladies on here....yes...making new friends after losing loved ones....losing touch with school friends etc...is certainly tough & a real effort...I too always felt I didn't quite fit in with the women in this area when I settled here after early retirement from running a family business...but guess what I did today...walked into a store where I worked at a christmas temp...saw a lovely lady I used to work with...suggested meeting up for tea & a chat some time soon..when she has time...she took my number & will text me when she has her day off...there you are...a little confidence and boldness works..I'd never have done such a thing when younger...but I just did it...so go on ladies,...be bold & brave...I'm in the Romford area of south east...if any of you want to meet up & start a friendship group!..xxx

I can relate to Flowergran and many of you others. I've always felt an outsider. In the sixth form one friend started doing things with another friend which didn't include me - the first time I felt very hurt and left out. I didn't make any 'best' friends as a student although I keep in touch with several at Christmas and one in particular by phone during the year. I worked part time, retired two and a half years ago after a long time in my job but I was never part of the social set-up, never part of the office chatter and gossip, never knew about relationships within the office. My husband has mental health issues so we never had friends as a couple and he didn't want to meet any friends I had. At times I felt really low. There was a group of four of us who met through toddler group and met up once a week with our children but that petered out when our children started different schools. My old school friends don't live near but we meet up maybe once a year. Since retiring two and a half years ago I've joined the U3A and know lots of people through that although not apart from U3A activities. I'm in a book group, we don't have a car now so I walk and bus a lot and know loads of people by sight to say hello to. I'm much happier, it's all happened rather by accident but I do very much identify with being an outsider, not being invited to work events, it's awful. I used to look up 'outsider' and relevent topics on the internet just for comfort to know I wasn't alone in this. Sometimes I have distressing dreams about being left out of groups and activities and I wake up very upset. I do now, however, feel much more resilient and try to be objective and think to myself does it really matter if I'm not up to speed with what's going on behind the scenes. Sorry, I've burbled on too much but it's quite a release to let these thoughts out that I couldn't possibly express to people I know.

I belong to a women's organisation called Soroptimist International - it has Clubs all over the world and in the UK you can join as an Associate Member too if joining a Club is not right for you. I joined the St Albans Soroptimist Club when I worked in London and was delighted to meet a bunch of like-minded supportive women - I now have "sisters" and friends all over the world! Our aim is to improve the lives of women and girls all over the world - we include ourselves in that and have fun too! In the UK the website is www.sigbi.org the US one is www.soroptimist.org - and the International umbrella organisation website is www.soroptimistinternational.org anyone is welcome to attend Soroptimist meetings/events as a guest - hope it works for you as well as it has worked for me!

FlowerGran I wouldn't waste any more energy trying to get into the little "gang" at work. It sounds like you have done all you can and look at it as their loss if they choose not to include you. As others have said it's best to look around for clubs or classes doing things that interest you. Friendships can develop but it may take time and if one seems too cliquey it may be better to try something else. Some people have dozens of friends but I can count mine on one hand and that suits me fine.

I know what you mean Gillybob. Years ago I was befriended by similar mums at the school gate who were very competitive about their DCs achievements and grand holidays. Gradually I saw less and less of them. It's interesting now when we sometimes bump into each other how friendly they seem, as some things have changed and tables turned!

I did used to have friends a couple of women I went out with occasionally KatyK but to be honest they probably weren't real friends at all as they (2 of them) used every opportunity to bring me down. Bragging about their wonderful lives, family, wealth, value of houses, holidays etc. I have always been a "what you see is what you get" type of person and I would come home having met them feeling quite hopeless and really worthless . It took me a long time to realise that they were treating me like a kind of sport and enjoying my various misfortunes. I don't doubt they had a good laugh at me behind my back. They really knocked my already quite shaky confidence.

KatyK are you sure we aren't in a bigamous relationship with the same man???

I'm a bit like you gilly Also, I'm not a confident person and I'm more comfortable with my own family. My DH has never been one for socialising outside the family. If he is going out and sees any of the neighbours out the front, he waits until they've gone in before he goes out! He's a lovely man and he's not shy, he's just not really interested in small talk etc.

I so sympathise with trying to fill the gap caused by the absence of close friends. I grew up in Australia but am English by birth. I have family and friends in Australia from school and university who I am fond of as we have known each other such a long time.
That is the real issue:knowing people over time. I have lost close family and friends through death and know those relationships can never be replaced.
I have made friends through my children but again circumstances change as families grow and people move away and divorce and remarry.
You do have to have a reason for being together in the first place for a friendship to spring up and those reasons dismiss with age.
All the suggestions made by previous contributors are wise and true but sometimes I think we have to accept a solitary life and count other blessings.