My son and his drug abuse. Same old story.

Marelli as others have said this is every parents nightmare. It must be impossible to stand back completely but again as others have said perhaps it is time to put yourself first. Sorry I am unable to give any practical support just my best wishes and

Marelli - when I was in a similar position to you, several people said to me, as long as people prop him up he won't make the effort. He has to reach rock bottom before he realises he has to make the effort.
Sounds very cruel, but that's what happened to my ex, and he did drag himself back up (with help.)

I've only just seen this thread Marelli. No words that can help I'm afraid just a ((hug)) x

I think the aeroplane advice is good. Put your own oxygen mask on first before you help others. Look after yourself.

Marelli so hard for you.
Unfortunately he will not need to want to change whilst he has you to do the picking up and dusting off. If you can back off and be ready to help only when he seriously feels the need and shows he wants to change than that may be what he really needs.

I have recently posted on another forum about finding out that my adult son has an alcohol addiction. Eating disorders and substance abuse are all treated as addictions and are all as devastating as each other although support forums tend to be aimed at the individual substances being abused. I understand only too well what you are going through although I didn't find out about my son's addiction until earlier this year. I've heard all the advice about letting addicts reach rock bottom and that they have to want help. But, it seems to me that 3 blips in a couple of years is not about your son being an addict but someone desperately trying to recover and being human and failing from time to time. That's a completely different scenario and one that few family support forums cater for. Most of the support groups try to teach you acceptance, but It doesn't seem right when the addict really wants to recover. It is devastating when they lapse, we have to start over again. You know how bad that is - all you want for your son is to be able to lead a happy life. The only help I found to combat my fear is from the SMART recovery literature. There is a great deal of optimism in their material and, that has helped me. I don't know if any of this can possibly help, I only want you to know that you aren't alone in feeling so frightened about the future.

Hi Marelli it must be extremely hard to be the mother of someone who abuses drugs. But the poster above is correct, there is evidence of the "incremental and accumulative positive effect of treatment". Recovery from drug misuse is seldom instantaneous or linear, it can be punctuated by periods of relapse but gains are made. Don't give up hope. Encourage your son to stay engaged in treatment - including recovery groups - however tenuous the link or contact he has with people who can help him.

I think you said it in the thread title Marelli, this is your son's addiction, not yours. I tend to agree with Grannyknot in that from what you have said, your son has made changes in his behaviour. He's had 'blips' but is holding down a job-there are some positives in there, but you must feel that with every blip he's going to slide back down the very slippy slope. Encourage him to engage with all the professional support offered and then step back and look after yourself. You can't 'fix' your son but you can try to change the way you're feeling. There will be support groups and counsellors who can help you to stand back a little so you can find a different perspective. This wouid make life easier for you. Your health is of paramount importance as you will be of little use to anyone if you become unwell. Time to be selfish and take care of yourself.

NanaMacGeek, I'll check out the SMART recovery literature - thank you for that. Grannyknot, what you've suggested is really encouraging, too. It brings to mind the phrase 'two steps forward and one step back', which is the least we can hope for.
He received support from the addiction services last year, and knows he can return if he feels the need to. I feel he needs to, obviously, but finding the right time to suggest this is another matter.
I'm going to go to a Famanon Convention on Saturday, so I hope to gain something from that.
Thank you.

At this time in your life you should have no worries other than which café to have coffee in today. It is so difficult dealing with adult children, we still see them as our child but they are adults and we have no rights to dictate what they are doing wrong, not that they would listen anyway.
I am struggling with different things in my family but the principal is the same, they are our kids but we have no rights or powers with them. All we can do is hang in there but not so long that it affects our health. Should they ever see the light we need to be on the best form possible to help them.
Hope you are in a better situation soon

Having an adult child with addictions is exhausting but you know that, Marelli. It sounds as though your son has been making real efforts to stop using. Yourblove and support will have helped him and sadly, relapses are often partbofvrecovery.

You know how important it is to look after yourself. That doesnt mean abandoning your son but I hope you can create some emotional distance so you are able to avoid total physical and emotional exhaustion x

I was so sorry to hear how exhausted and anxious you are feeling. It doesn't really matter how old our children are, they are still our children and it is very difficult to watch them struggling with addiction or any other major issue that is causing them unhappiness.

I think Iam64 made some very wise comments.

I'm sure everyone can understand why you find it so difficult to relax and carry on as normal when you are so fearful of a relapse. But, as others have said, it is important that you look after yourself, for your own and your son's sake.

I hope some of the advice on here re counselling, etc., is helpful to you and that things get better for you and your son.

Marelli (((hugs)))
No advice, just encouragement to keep hoping for better times and the observation that your son is lucky to have such a caring mum. Love may be tough, but it never gives up.

Just come across this thread as I haven't been around for a few days. I am so sorry to hear that you are still worrying about your son so much Marelli . When you love someone so much, their problems are your problems too, their hurt is your hurt and mothers always try and make everything right for their children . There is a feeling of helplessness when problems, are out of your control and you can't seem to do anything to make it better. What you need to remember though is that you are still there for him. Many would have washed their hands of the problem a long time ago. I can't tell you to get on with your own life but I can tell you to try and be good to yourself and don't beat yourself up over something you can't change . You are a good mother and you are standing by your son and that's the most important thing. Thinking of you .

There have been several articles in Scientfic American on how the human brain is "rewired" as a result of recreational drug taking. This often results in the changed behaviour (addiction) you are seeing. It may be worth a trawl round the Internet for articles on The Addictive Brain which hopefully will allow you to stop blaming yourself and also to acknowledge that sometimes you just have to say "enough".

I have experience of a previous OH with alcoholism so understand what you are going through. Accepting you need to remove yourself and abandon someone you love is the worst part. But life after does exist I promise.

People do recover from drug and alcohol misuse, and coincidentally, September is celebrated internationally as "Recovery Month" with events including a walk - not unlike the "Pride" marches. This year's is in Halton. The UK organisation is called "Faces and Voices of Recovery".

www.facesandvoicesofrecoveryuk.org/recovery-month-2016/

Don't lose heart, marelli.

Thank you all for your messages. I haven't been logging on (anywhere) for quite a while as I sort of ceased to function properly. However, I'm taking a proactive approach now. Feeling a bit stronger and not in the absolute depths of despair. Attended a Families Anonymous Convention near Glasgow on Saturday and his dad and I went to a meeting in Edinburgh yesterday evening. We need to know how to deal with ourselves so that he can see our strength.
I hope it's ok to speak about FA on here. I don't intend to be evangelical about this, but support IS out there for the families of addicts.

Marelli

Great news from you today with a more positive way forward. Finding a group that will help provide support will be good for you I am sure.

As mentioned before there is a tendency to say My son , My daughter has a problem but the problem can become our problem so easily and it drags everyone down.

I hope you and your family find the tide turning soon, it can happen, I know! You are a great mum.
[Hugs]

So glad you have been able to access support. No matter what we struggle with in our lives just knowing others are walking a similar path makes a huge difference. Wishing you and your family lots of positive things and happy times in the weeks, months and years to come x

I can't see anyone having a problem with you speaking about FA on this thread Marelli. It's good to hear you have found some much needed support. Anyone with loved ones who are addicted to substances and/or alcohol will feel reassured by your post x

It's really good to speak about Families Anonymous on here. It might help someone else. I am so glad you have found some help.

So pleased that you and DH are receiving support from people who know what you are going through.

Glad to hear you're feeling a bit stronger Marelli, and that you've found some support