Wedding/top table hurt

And by the way, Sarabi, if I were that poor woman (and I say this with over 20 years of experience of being a bloke's partner with 3 daughters and a son whose mother was divorced) I'd be in tears now at the very thought of being sat at some other table apart from your father at your wedding. I do hope you change your mind. I am sure your mother would have expected you to be charitable.

I got married recently and was unhappy that my mother was too infirm to attend and my father was dead, so had my own demons to control on those fronts. I discussed these with my partner, who understood.

Sarabi,I really have to speak out on this one. I think you are acting incredibly selfishly by behaving towards your father's chosen companion in this fashion, and effectively demoting her.

Put yourself in her shoes and think what she must feel like, knowing you feel like you do.

You should be making her feel welcome at your wedding, even if you don't feel it. She is, with your father, your top guest.

Have you ever stopped to consider what she has to go through to try and make an effort to be civil to you ?

My son just got married and didn't have any table plan at all.
People collected their food and went and sat down with whoever they wanted to.
The speeches were done from the front of the room. It was a wonderfully relaxed atmosphere and everyone enjoyed themselves, and chatted more to new people than they would normally do.
I was delighted not to have to sit, on display, at a top table in a row.
My stepson married in the USA, and they had a family table, but it was in the middle of the room, so again not a top table as such.
Maybe one of those arrangements would work for you?

What about the father? I accept my experience is different but when my daughters married ,mmy husband - their father- had been dead 15 years , my brother gave our daughters away but even after fifteen years how I missed my husband on these two special days, I sat in the cathedral and had a conversation with him by thought - isn't she beautiful, remember the night she was born etc , I didn't have a partner and I felt so alone even thought surrounded by my rather large family. This father will feel and think as I did.

IT is only natural that on a girls big day her thoughts are how much she misses her mum and wishes her there, that doesn't stop her wanting her Dad to be happy and start again or that she dislikes the new partner, just that she feels the loss of her mom. She will do the right thing in the end as she won't want her dad upset, a few months isn't long to know the new woman in her dads life that's what she was saying.

I give up...[sigh]

Oh dear, pleasing everyone at a wedding always throws up some problems.

You must do what you want, it is your wedding, but on the other hand you want your guests to be happy too, or it defeats the objective of inviting them to share your special day.

Unlike others, I don't think that a "few years" is a short time at all. And you like the woman, and are pleased for your dad. Don't you think he would want his new partner with him? I think your mum would too. She would be pleased he has found happiness later in life, and would probably hope that his new partner would fully join in with the family. Treating her otherwise is like not accepting her.

Put her on the top table. Your dad will be happy with that, she will be happy with that, and nobody else will think anything about it. Put her on another table and people will think it is odd.

It isn't disrespectful to your late mum. The new partner is part of his life now, and step-mums can become great friends to their step-children, including helping with future grandchildren. My own daughter is engaged to a man with a step-mum (his mum also sadly died) and she sounds lovely, and when my daughter gets married I would want her step-mum on the top table. Her prospective step-mum is under no illusion that she isn't the natural mother but I think it is important to recognise that she is a major part of your life.

Meg

sarabi one of my biggest regrets was not supporting my dad when he found a new partner after my mum died. He asked me if I would mind if she moved in with him and although I said no I added that it would make things different as I would not feel I could drop in as casually as I had been used to as it would become her home and not 'our' home. It was honest and true. However it made my dad think and he put me first and she did not move in. Dad died a couple of years later and, with hindsight, I realised I was wrong and I should have just given him my wholehearted support. He adored my mum but was so lonely after she died, we visited often but it was not the same as a lover/partner/companion. He deserved to be 100 happy . Think carefully about your decision

I like the idea of a table for two, do what you think is best enjoy your day.Oh and what if your dads relationship doesn't last after all you've only known her 5 months last thing you want is her in all the photos sitting at the top table.

When my nephew married, his wife had lost her mother a few years previously and found it difficult not having here there for her wedding. However, the bride liked her father's new partner and saw that he was happy, and father and new partner sat at the top table with my brother and his wife. My newphew's wife put her flowers on her mother's grave (the grave was at the church where they married) and spent some time there after the service and before the reception. This worked for them but may not for you - we are all different - but personally, if I was a guest, I would find it odd if a couple were not seated together.

My stepdaughter got married on Sunday and I was on the top table with my dh (her dad) and her mother was the other end of the table sitting next to the grooms mum who is a widow. We were all fine with the arrangements and the wedding was wonderful!!

I think it was childish and hurtful to your father. Never put the dead before the living! Its pointles. it seems you are grieving for your Mum beforehand and it is not the wedding day yet, it might feel quite normal with your father there.

Its quite common to not have loved one present at a celebration
Its real life after all. Keep on the good side of your father and his partner. Thats important.

Ok, this day IS "all about you". But don't abuse the privilege.

My Dad had a new "lady friend" within a year of my beloved DMs death and it was hard. But I felt I had to consider how HE felt, bereft at being single after 40 years of marriage and his kids grown and gone. He was lonely and happier as a couple so I felt I had to suck it up for him and make it work. After all it wasn't the ladies "fault" in any of this. Yes you'll miss your mum always but think of the feelings of those left behind eh. It will be hard enough for Dad to "give" his DD away and without your mum at his side too. A friend of ours put a photo and some flowers near the cake and a drink appeared alongside it too to say that their loved one was still thought of and included in the special day. Good luck!

Your Dad must feel very hurt by your decision. You are starting a new life - allow him to do the same.

I think a small side table with a photo of your mum and some flowers would be nicer than an empty chair with flowers. You could perhaps put some photos of grandparents on there too if you both wanted to.

Sarangi
And hope wish you & your DH to be on your special day x

Sarabi, I'm so sorry your name is incorrect there. I should have previewed my post.

Sarangi, I'm glad you've made your decision now all you have to do is relax and enjoy your special day.

sarabi I'm glad you have made your decision, and I think it will all work out fine - possibly your groom's parents can host one table right next to you and your dad and his partner can host another table equally close to you! My DN and his new wife were on a square or rectangular table (can't remember, it was years ago) and the rest of us were on round tables. Your dad will need to be close to you if he is going to give a speech, but sitting so that he can stand for the speech (if you have one), speak to you and also be able to speak to the rest of the guests, likewise the best man ifswim!. Hope he is not embarrassing!

Have a lovely day and I hope it all goes well.

I agree with annodomini. I feel that it would be good for all three of you to be on top table. It would clearly show the guests that you were happy with your father's new partner and pleased he has found happiness again and also it would be comforting for your father to have his partner on the same table at such an emotional time for him.

Sarabi, I'm glad you've managed to come to a solution that suits everyone! Fwiw, my son married a girl from a Jewish family and in such traditional weddings, the new bride and groom always sit at their own table under a decorated huppah, which is basically a canopy They chose to have it decorated with hundreds of the most gorgeous flowers and it was stunning. I believe the separate table idea is now spreading into 'main stream' weddings, too.

Have a wonderful day and a wonderful marriage!

I am glad that you and your fiancé are in agreement. Now you can enjoy designingyour special table decorations! I'm sure you'll get loads of compliments.

As I said before, have a happy day and future life together.

Kate16, you sound lovely. They've made their decision and it works for them so that's great. It's their day, no-one else's.

Goodness me - there are some very harsh and unnecessary comments here. Sarabi - it is your wedding day - and all the accompanying emotions so firstly, I would like to advise you to ignore any thoughtless words on here.

Secondly, I understand completely where you are coming from, ie not wishing to upset anyone but at the same time feeling the loss of your mother which will be brought into focus as you plan your wedding.

We had a complicated situation when my daughters married. At the first wedding, we went through different scenarios and eventually my daughter and her husband, the bridesmaids and best man shared the 'top' table. Her father and his wife hosted his immediate family and close friends and I hosted a similar table, which worked so well that we repeated when my second daughter married.

I'm not sure whether your father and his new partner are living together or intending to marry, but if his relationship is on a firm footing, then I would expect her to show some understanding and sensitivity and actually offer to take a 'back seat' as I did at my step-daughter's wedding. By that I mean to accept whatever you and your father between you decide is the best for you all.

Meanwhile, good luck, enjoy your happy day and be assured that all your mother (and your father too, I am sure) would wish for is your and your new husband's happiness both on the day and for the rest of your lives.