Wedding/top table hurt

I've not experienced this, but a thought came to mind. When visiting Spain the Hotel we stay in is the venue for elegant Spanish weddings.

It seems the custom is, that the bride and groom sit alone facing their guests at a beautifully decorated table.

Could this be a solution and start of a new trend? Whatever you decide I hope you have a wonderful day.

Sorry sara but I think you've got this wrong. Your father lost his wife, and now, after a few years, he's found someone he might like to fill the loneliness he must feel. You are moving in and getting married, which is wonderful, but means that now, more than ever he must try to rebuild his life.

And what have you done but sort of demoted this woman to a lower table because it might feel disrespectful to your dear mother. It is no such thing. Please read-think this decision.

Sara, if your father married the lady would you refuse to attend the wedding?

Why not ask her to host a specific table? With a SIL and BIL who were a bit put out about not being at the top table I asked them if they would look after Distinguished Foreign Guests. Can you tell that I inflated their importance? Worked a treat.

I agree with J52; perhaps better not to have a 'top table'. Can I just say that, having dealt with all of the politics of that wedding with various members of the family not being there it was a nightmari'sh situation at times, balancing people's feelings. At the end of the day it's YOUR wedding and your feelings are paramount, and you sound like such a kind caring person that I don't see how anyone could take offence. There will probably be other family members who find it hard seeing someone sitting at the top table in place of someone they love and miss as well and their feelings have to be considered. We didn't have a 'top table' but a series of round tables, and I think that worked really well.I hope you have a wonderful day!

Completely understand how you came to make this decision. A few years ago is a short time really to come to terms with losing your mother. Your father has moved on and perhaps it might be wise to have her sit with your father for the sake of peace and family relationships. Your mother would have been so proud of you on your big day, but as she isn't and your father is, she would completely understand you including his new partner.
Have a wonderful day, after all it is about you and your husband starting this new life together and it is wonderful to have your family and friends with you to celebrate and you don't need any upset.

What do you think your mum would say? Would she think you were being disrespectful to her memory having the new partner at the top table? Personally, I think you are wrong and that if she makes your dad happy, as she evidently does, she deserves a place at the top table.

My DN and his bride sat on their own on a 'top table' and everyone else sat on round tables, his parents and very close family on one and her mother and partner etc on another, both near bride and groom. One or two people expressed surprise but it worked very well. The bride had lost her father and her mum has a new partner; they all get on very well but it is a good solution to your dilemma.

Is it more important to you to invest in the tradition of weddings, esp. about who sits where, or is it more important to invest in your future happiness with your father and his happiness?

Yes if I was in your father's shoes I would be hurt by your decision . You can mention your Mum in the speeches so she is remembered. This is what my family did recently.

Thank you for all of your advice so far, I really do appreciate it. I also understand why those of you who say I am wrong to do so, can think that. I just can't help the way I feel. It was only three years ago that my mum died and it's still like a hole in my chest every day.

I hadn't heard of the bride and groom being the only ones at the top table, but it is an excellent idea. I will have a think and may go with that - seems like a good compromise. I'm not much for tradition anyway!

A brides mum is very much in her thoughts on her wedding day, the one day in her life when she really wants her mum there.

I can understand why your dad is upset, she doesn't replace your mum and never will, but she is around & mum isn't. In a way, the greatest compliment to a partner is to be with someone else though its not a replacement.

I think she should be with your dad, wherever he sits

I should probably mention I've only known dad's new partner for about 5 months as well

As your dad is brides father and will inevitably make a speech, maybe he could bring your mums memory into it and speak as she would of about you ,whilst at the same time having his new partner by his side. I know your pain is still very raw but I think maybe in the future as you get older and wiser yourself you will deeply regret hurting your dad who on his daughters big day will also have that massive ache in his heart because her mum's not there.

Hope you have a lovely day Sarabi and I'm sure your mum will be all around you on you wedding day making sure the sun shines bright for you all.

I agree with shabbygirl. I know you must miss your mum terribly and no one can ever replace her, but let your dad's new partner sit next to him, I think it would look very odd to have her sitting somewhere else.

When I got married years and years ago my cousin gave me away because my dad had died a year before. My father in law was very put out, I think most weddings give rise to this sort of dilemma.

I remember at my step-son's wedding I was parked right at the end of a very long top table, several metres away from my husband, his father and felt very excluded. No one can replace your mum but you have to move on - how would your proposal to seat your father's partner away from the top table look to other guests? I know it's your day, but in a way it's your father's too so think on.

As your dad's partner she should be included in the family group in my view. But I do like the idea of just the bride and groom at the "top table" - it might solve the issue. But my guess is that she and your dad would really appreciate her being treated as part of the family, and it is in no way disrespectful to your late mother. Have a lovely wedding.

Families are like kaleidescopes, ever changing beautiful patterns.
Your mum showed your dad how to love, and she will be with you all no matter who sits where.........if your parents were together to the end, and this new lady did not break anything up, or cause your mother any distress, then there is no disrespect involved.

Just celebrate love and happiness, that is your mother's legacy to you all.

Why not have an empty chair with some beautiful flowers , that would mean they are especially for your mum. After all, there may be a toast to missing loved ones, and everyone could look at the place. If that's not for you, think about the good relationship you have with your dads partner. She will never replace your mother for sure, but she could be really helpful in the future with children if and when they come along. It might have been better if you had spoken to her first and told her how very sad and full of grief you still are. She might have suggested it herself then. Sort it out now before it gets worse, or your dad feels bad. After all, he may feel in the middle of the deep blue sea with this one.

I would go with your heart on this one it is you and your future husband's day and if this will add stress or upset to you then your father and his partner will have to accept the decision.

I think if your mum brought you up to be a caring thoughtful person (which it sounds like she did) and she loved your father and would want him to be happy (which I'm sure she did) then I think she would want you to put the new partner on the top table. No way is it disrespectful to your mum .Indeed a tribute to get that your dad wanted a new relationship
I lost my father 22years ago ,my mum 16 , and I miss them every day ,so I understand your sense of loss ,but your dad who I am assuming is relatively young ,,needs to move on .
Friend of mine recently (re)married a widower His daughter got married and friend was very careful not to try and 'be'the girls mother that day (they get on very well) .I think she offered to pay for her shoes....
Have a lovely day and know your mum will be with you .

Let's stop pussy-footing around here. You've made your decision, all I'm hearing to suggestions that you our your father's feelings before yours are 'yes, buts'.

You resent this woman taking your mothers place and you don't want her at the wedding, but because that's a step too far you e decided to play it this way.

OK that's harsh, but the truth. I hope it doesn't come back and bite you.