Wedding/top table hurt

Hell's teeth, sarabi has made her decision (and a very sensible and caring once it is), let it go people!

We went to a wedding a few years ago where both mums had passed away and the dads had new partners. The bide and groom had a round table which they shared with their four bridesmaids. As two of the bridesmaids were their own daughters and the other two were friends it made it easier for everyone. Both dads and their partners had a table each to host members of the family from the "other side" and the best man and his wife hosted another table. It worked really well as people from each family were able to chat during the meal and get to know each other rather than a his and her side where no one mixes.
They also had two chairs on one side with flowers on and a small photo of respective mums in them, their way of including their mums in their special day, both dads made speeches and mentioned their departed wives and saying how proud they would be of their children.
Might sound strange to some people but it all worked really well

When my widowed MIL remarried, she put her son at the top table while I, her DIL and mother of her three GCs, was relegated to the most distant table with all the also-rans. I never felt able to forgive her for this. To me, it showed what her real opinion of me was, and it was truly hurtful.

A father's role is very important at a daughter's wedding (the walk down the aisle, the dance etc.) Having said that, nothing you do or don't do, will ever diminish your mother's memory and no one can ever replace her.

Your dad wants to bring his current friend to your wedding because he needs a dance partner and someone to talk to, NOT as a replacement for your mother! Sitting your father away from his current friend isn't going to change anything and will only cause bad feelings. Sitting her next to him is not going to make her any more special than she already isn't. I agree that a rectangular banquet style top table for the bride, groom and wedding party (facing the other tables) would ease things considerably. Avoid familial hierarchies when seating the other guests and there will be less hurt feelings. It's your special day, be happy and err on the side of generosity for the sake of your Dad, who loves you too.

My daughter couldn't bear to have a verbal tribute to her dad, as it would upset her on her special day, but there was a tribute to him amongst other family photos, with one of her and him, and the framed poem "My little girl don't cry for me". Similar more female poems can be found on Google. It hit exactly the right note

Weddings are a minefield!

Often round tables these days, and then she would sit next to him

sarabi glad to see you've made your decision.

Wishing you a wonderful day.

Do you like your dads partner? If so you could mention how much your mum would have enjoyed the day and how happy your dad is to see you married. Then something about welcoming dads new partner/friend/relationship now you are branching out with your hubby.

IMO To banish this woman from the top table would be incredibly petty and may destroy any chance of his relationship blossoming.

I see your mum died several years ago! It is not exactly going to be "unseemly haste" for him to get a new partner after that time.

Honestly don't some of you read others' posts? sarabi and her fiancé have made their decision and I think we should accept that!

And her father's partner is not his 'new wife', they are not married.

Oh the tyranny of "etiquette" and doing the "right" thing.
It is your wedding day, there is no law that says you have to have a "top table" but if you must why ever not have your Dad's partner there? He would normally be seated beside the groom's mother anyway so I don't see this as in any way "disrespectful" to her memory. If they are happy, you should be able to be happy for them and actually I hay have misunderstood the suggestion, but did somebody say leave an empty place and put flowers there?
This is a wedding celebration, not a wake!
A happy family occasion should be inclusive not an occasion where this lady -whom you say you like - is made to feel out of place.

I don't suppose for one minute this women ever thought it was her special day. What a very odd thought.

And so it will be. But it's sarabi's special day, not hers. And, if she really is nice she'll understand and, if she doesn't, well, that's her problem.

AB I'd have thought this the perfect opportunity to welcome father's friend into the family.

I think your father's partner should sit by his side. I agree with others about bringing your mum into your wedding. Perhaps have a large photo of her with some flowers on the top table near you. There is nothing to stop a bride giving a speech if you would like to say something that includes her. As others have said, your dad and husband can mention her too. It will be clear to everyone that your father's partner is not replacing your mother, but I think seating them apart will seem like you don't like her, or are unhappy about the relationship even if that is not the case!

Please sit your father's new wife with him. You may regret it later if you don't. When my stepson married, he had a table of parents: his new in-laws, mother and 2nd husband, father and 2nd wife. (His parents 2nd partners were not involved in the marriage break-up.) It was a lovely arrangement and all the 'mothers' were presented with matching flowers. Hope you have a lovely day.

Anniebach, I assure you I have no wish to know whether they are sharing a bed. Surely that has nothing to do with where I sit her during the meal either? I've never said a bad word against her and there is no question of her being, or not being 'good enough'. I think you're reading rather more into it than necessary.

Should have said I hope you have a wonderful day and begin a wonderful marriage.

What if the couple are sharing a bed? Is the woman good enough for keeping him happy there but not at the wedding?

Surely the sensible thing to do is ask the father

As others have said your dads partner would not be sitting next to him anyway at a traditional top table. If I were her I would not expect to be there. You may have an Aunt or another lady who plays a bigger part in your life seeing as you have only known this lady for a few months. I would put her on a table with people she knows. It's only a small part of the day so I'm sure you dad and her can manage without each other for an hour or so. If you really are worried about hurting feelings then go for the small table for the Bride and Groom.

Hello again everyone. First of all I just wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone who's taken the time to post their advice. What lovely people there are on this site.

Reading some of your stories of hurt feelings/feeling marginalised on wedding days has highlighted to me that this is exactly what I want to avoid. Knowing that I'd hurt anyone's feelings on the day through my seating choices, be they my dad's feelings or his partner's, would be awful. So, I've harangued my fiance on his lunch break and we've come to the agreement that it will just be us on our own little table. He actually really liked the idea in fact!

Again, thank you so much for all your advice and good wishes - you've helped me come to a decision that was proving very difficult.

sarabi I think it is very natural and understandable that you have feelings of sadness and regret that your mum will not be at your wedding. No doubt your dad is also sad that his much-loved wife will not be there to see you getting married.

Of course, it is your wedding day and nobody has the right to tell you how you should feel and what you should do. But might it slightly mar the occasion for you if you are aware that your dad - and his partner - are feeling that you are not entirely happy about their relationship (I realise that this is not the case but that might be the impression they get)? She might feel isolated and uncomfortable and he might feel unable to relax and really enjoy what should be a joyous occasion.

If you really feel it would hurt you too much to include this lady on the "top table", then perhaps, as others have suggested, it would be better if you and your husband-to-be break with tradition and have your own table and then your dad and his partner can sit together.

If I had died instead of my husband and he had found someone else to go on with his life with I would not have any problems with that person sitting next to him at either of our children's weddings. I understand that you miss your Mum terribly and perhaps you could think about incorporating little memories of her in your day such as wearing an item of jewellery that was hers, using her favourite flowers in your bouquet and on tables, playing a favourite song of hers in the first few dances at the reception. I am sure too that your wedding will cause your Dad to think back about his life with your Mum and to wish she was still with you on this special day, it would be kind to allow him to have the support of his new partner really - wouldn't it?

Peaceatlast. How horrible for you! Perhaps it is as well to remember that, if you're going for tradition, (and I'm of the opinion that it's all a bit starchy and, "old hat" for 21st century but each to their own) the top table is for the bride, the groom, their attendents and the parents of the bride and groom. Those remarried parents who can't spend a reception sitting on seperate tables from their new spouses are all a bit needy and, "special snowflake" in my opinion. It's only for a few hours at most and, as someone has already said,you actually sit next to the opposite parent so not next to your ex at all!

Oh dear, I can see it from both angles. I do not think that you are wrong to feel that no one can replace your mum, but I can understand why your dad would want someone to support him on such a momentous occasion. It seems that the main problem is that you don't know your dad's new partner very well. Is there any chance you could get to know her better prior to the wedding, so that hopefully everyone will feel more comfortable? My partner and I have been in this situation and are due to be so again next year, but as we know we have been accepted by our respective families, neither of us minds much about where we sit for the meal and speeches. I do think that the suggestions about not having a traditional top table could work best for all of you. I hope that you all enjoy your wedding day and I wish you well for the future.