Wedding/top table hurt

I think the top table for two is an excellent way forward and then small tables all round much more acceptable than those horrible long tables I also think your Mum should be acknowledged by you.
I can see it from both sides, I can't imagine how difficult this will be to see your dad there with another lady, but I also see how he could be hurt
A shame he couldn't have come on his own just on this one occasion I think he maybe should have talked it over with you first and seen whether you wanted him or him plus one and if you agreed to him plus one you could then have both discussed where to sit them
I hope it works out without anyone getting hurt
good luck

I'm still on page 1 dramatictessa

You can set it to 100 posts per page, see top of thread.

I find the whole thing so difficult and so must others. I think it is time we re-thought the whole top table thing.

I remember being really upset (though I didn't say to anyone) when my daughter got married. Her dad and I divorced when she was young and I brought her up with the minimum of help from him. He had already taken up with someone else when we split. Anyway, he gave her away, which was fine but, at the table, her dad sat next to my daughter, his wife/partner? sat next to him. I ended up fourth along with my husband sitting between me and my ex's partner because I found that slightly easier than sitting next to her myself.

I felt really marginalised although I know there was no intent to do that but I felt it anyway. It could have easily spoiled my day but I'm strong and got through it.

How much easier it would have been if, as suggested above, the bride and groom were at their own table.

This was ten years ago and it still upsets me now. It was never possible to discuss this with anyone without me looking petty.

My father had a serious accident a few days before my first wedding and my uncle by marriage gave me away - I didn't like him and really wouldn't have wanted him there at all, but it was too late to cancel. Dad was there in spirit and I decided to let mum have my bouquet to take home to him. You could maybe bring your mum into the day by doing something similar (wedding bouquet on her grave or similar) and certainly dad must remember her in his speech. But since you say you like his new partner, do you really think your mum would resent her presence at his side? Hope things will work out well and wish you every happiness.

Whoops, completely missed that there were the pages on this thread, and replied to Anna's, which was ages ago. Ignore me (apart from the advice of course!)

Imagine your feelings on YOUR day if this Lady does sit where your Mum would have been. If you decide to let her sit with your Dad at the top table for the sake of hurt feelings, will you then regret it on the day and wish you had not agreed ? It would be sad to have misgivings on the actual day. On the whole I think either a top table with just you and your new Husband or with the immediate bridal group - Best Man and Bridesmaids. The nearest table then could accommodate the next closest guests including the new Lady. If this Lady is as lovely as you say, she will surely understand and respect your wishes.

Anya, you are overstepping the mark. There doesn't seem to me to be any resentment at all towards the father's new partner. Stop being so judgemental. My advice - do what makes you feel happy on your day sarabi. Maybe talk to your Dad's new partner alone to explain your perfectly reasonable feelings. If she is as lovely as you say she is, she will understand.

You say that your dad's partner is a lovely lady so why not let those feelings prevail when you are making your decision. You could have something of your mum"s beside you on the table and she will be represented too.
Have a lovely day whatever you decide.

4 years ago when my brother in law married for second time (for them both) they solved all top table problems by just seating themselves there. It was unusual but we all thought the perfect solution to who sits where when different families are involved.

In 'no way'....wish this forum had an edit facility.

Your mum will have been pleased that your dad has found someone to share his life with. Please let her sit with your dad at the top table. In know way is it disrespectful to your mum.

I was trying to preview that and it posted before finished

Your mother will always be with you and this lady will never replace her but if you start off on a good footing she may become a true friend to you and a great support to your father who must be very lonely.

harrysgran I totally agree with you, it is the bride and grooms perogative to do things the way they want on this special day. Sarabi I hope you have a wonderful day and the happiest of lives with your new hubby.

Just a thought!!

Actually if you do decide on a top table, she should not be sitting next to your father anyway.

Traditionally, she should sit next to the groom's father and the groom's mother should be sitting next to your father.

Nearly all the weddings I have been to have been like that (including those of our DC.)

We did go to one where all the parents, step-parents, bride, groom, best man, bridesmaid were all on one long top table.
(But they are also divorced now )

Have a lovely wedding whatever you decide, but remember this lady could be in your life for a long time to come.
Your mother will be with you always

When both my son and my daughter got married the 'top' table consisted of the bride, groom and their friends (bridesmaids & ushers) their father & his new partner, I and my new partner 'hosted' other tables. This avoided any awkwardness.

Sarabi,
I know you have only known your dad's partner for a few months, but in years to come you will get to know her better, and she may well resent this. It will seems as if you are saying publicly that your dad and his new partner don't belong together. There is no disrespect to your mum here, but you are risking future family relationships if they sit apart. Please think carefully.

Have experienced this angst in our family, the small rectangular table with just the bride and groom and the rest of the guests around circular tables worked wonderfully - no one questioned this and when it was time for speeches, the person giving the speech came and stood alongside the bride and groom.

I'm so sorry sarabi, that your mum won't be there to share your special day.
What do you think her opinion would be on this difficult situation? She must have been a lovely llady to have brought you up to be so thoughtful and sensitive.
Maybe thinking how she might have handled this will help you to decide, but whatever happens, it's your day, and I hope you have a wonderful wedding!

What a positive minefield. Whatever you do will upset somebody. When my stepson married I was placed on another table with out my husband who sat at the top table. My feelings were that our relationship did Not matter and I still smart at the memory. Many friends, quite rightly, reminded me that it was not my day and to just get over it. However, I can assure the OP that this omission was extremely hurtful and although I can forgive, will never forget.

How many tables are you having? When my son got married they had about ten round tables and close family members hosted a table each including my DH who was his step-father and also my DIL's stepmother hosted one as well. The tables were all named after restaurants or places they had been to during their 'courtship' so there were no table numbers. Everyone was mixed up with no couples seated next to each other and in many cases were not even on the same table. It was fabulous and everyone had a great time and no-one was offended.

The day will be filled with mixed emotions for your dad , as well as yourself about your mum . He must have had to dig deep to reach a point where he could move on himself . He may need someone during the day to help him with how he feels . Let this lady help him ... Your mum would be very proud of you ... I know I would be if you were my daughter . Good luck for the future whatever your decision is x

I love the idea of a place with flowers for your Mum. It is very hard to lose your Mum & you are bound to feel it especially at this time. I don't think you resent this woman but I know from experience how hard it is to see someone else in your Mum's place.t gets easier in time but 3 years is a very short time.
I agree that you should go with your heart & maybe give this lady something special to do for you on the day.
Whatever you do it must feel right for you & it sounds as if your dad has accepted that too.
Have a wonderful day & don't worry about it- for you it's very emotional & I'm sure it will all go beautifully on the day.

gigi, thank you - I must admit I had hoped someone in this position (from the other side) would be able to offer some insight. I don't yet know whether this relationship will last as they haven't known each other for very long - I really hope that it does. She is a lovely woman and I'm glad that he doesn't feel so alone any more.

Having heard how helpful having your partner sitting with you was, I think my only options are to have a bride and groom's table and everyone else on another round table, or have his new partner on the top table. I'll talk it over with my fiance and see what he thinks, but I know he'll just tell me to do whatever I feel most comfortable with. I am actually starting to like the idea of having our own little table - I've heard from most married friends that you don't actually get to spend much time with your partner on the day, it's so busy!

Traditionally, the Bride's mother sits by the Groom's father while her father sits by the Groom's mother so your father and his new partner would not be together at the table. Might this make you feel better about the situation?

I don't get wedding angst. What's more important, the life you'll have together or some unwritten etiquette "rule" you feel you must abide by?

Why should there be a hierarchy of guests?

Make everyone equal; have round tables, a circle of tables, or any other arrangement that does not place guests in order of importance. They're all guests, and imho should not be "ranked".

I think the "empty chair" is a bit over dramatic too.