Wedding/top table hurt

My daughter got married a few weeks ago, and is typical of modern families there were "extra" family members, solution was to only have the bridal party at the top table then parents, step parents,siblings and grandparents at circular tables just in front but on a table right in front of the happy couple they had placed framed photographs of grandparents who were no longer with us, it was such a lovely touch, maybe you too could use that idea. Good luck and best wishes. p.s remember your Mum wouldn't want you to be worrying so much about something that really doesn't matter that much and if this lady does sit beside you're Father it doesnt meen you dont love and miss your mum.

I've been to a few weddings ( my own second included) where family relationships were complicated and the smaller separate tables solution worked very well. They can be any shape to suit the venue, but attractively decorated & tactfully positioned, they can prevent a lot of hurt feelings. Good luck

when my daughter got married, her step mother wasn't on the top table with everyone else. she sat on a table close to the top table with her two daughters and, to everyones' horror, the eldest of the two heckled her father throughout his speech! instead of getting the child and taking her away stepmother let her carry on.
afterwards in the ladies i heard her say "i can't do anything with her"!!
i know this may well be different in that there is no "mother of the bride" and i have no solution but this is a tricky situation.

Has your father only been with his new partner for 5 months as you say you have only known her 5 months? In which case I can understand your reluctance as this may not be a long term relationship and she is very new to the family. Your father is obviously very happy with his new relationship but I am sure he would regret including her at the top table if things fell apart in a few months.

Other guests may take it as disapproval, so make sure you are very friendly to her and include her in your group after the meal. The other guests may also disapprove if she is seem to be replacing your mother at the top table so a no win situation.

dont like the empty chair with flowers idea.

The last wedding I went to they had a very large oval top table with everyone sitting around. That way your father could be at the top table next to you ready to make a speech and she could sit opposite him, so near but not seen to be replacing your mother.

We've just had a similar situation in a family wedding, and the mother of the bride and her new partner were seated happily together at the top table, with the bride's late Dad being mentioned in one of the main speeches as in "He would have been so happy and proud today".

gigi has it in a nutshell:

What was important on that day for us, was including my husband/their Dad in the day, talking about him, understanding that there would be tears, but also then looking to the future with smiles.

Put your dad and his new partner at the top table, and acknowledge and mention your late mum.

All the best for your wedding.

This is my first posting here, I am an avid reader of posts, but I feel I must reply. My husband died in 2007 and my daughter married in 2011, almost 4 years later. It was a very difficult day for all of us without my husband, the father of both my DDs. My daughter decided to walk down the aisle on her own, with her Dad's ring tied within her bouquet, knowing he is forever with her in her heart. They asked me to do the 'Father of the Bride' speech. As you can imagine, this day could have been very difficult and sad, but I included my husband in my speech as did my new son in law.
I was in a new relationship, about 18 months in, and we were on the top table, as my daughter felt that we included her Dad in the day, (one of the readings in Church was his favourite poem) and she knew that this new relationship was making me happy.
The DDs and I have always been open and talked about our grief and how much we miss him, but importantly that life goes on without him. For me, I needed this partner beside me to give me the courage to enjoy the day and especially make the speech including anecdotes about my DD and her Dad.
Now almost 9 years after my husband died, I am no longer with that partner, in fact I am on my own and I feel that the partner for me was an important part of travelling through my grief.
What was important on that day for us, was including my husband/their Dad in the day, talking about him, understanding that there would be tears, but also then looking to the future with smiles.
The new partner was completely irrelevant for everyone else, but for me, it would have been much more difficult without him beside me

Just my thoughts

Went to the wedding of someone in a similar situation but the father in this case. Step dad was placed at the top table with a space laid for the deceased but a large photo of him placed on the table.

I think I would be in the same mind as you Sarabi, I wouldn't like to hurt my dad but would, like you feel dishonour for mum. I could only go for the bride and groom alone at the top table as suggested. My mum died 13 years ago and my dad 3 but your feelings never change. I'm sure your dad does understand how you feel though.

I really feel for you OP. No-one can replace a mother and on your wedding day you're going to miss her more than any other. I'm going to buck the trend here and say, if your father isn't married to this lady and you have only known her 5 months, you're actually being wonderful to invite her at all and no-one should expect her to be on the top table or in official, "family" photographs. How can anyone assess the permanency or otherwise of such a relatively short-lived relationship? Who wants to look back on such an occasion and photos containing someone featured prominently who may no longer be part of anyone's life a year or two from now?

Let her sit with your Dad, he will also need some comfort on your day,thinking about your Mum.
Your Mum will be with you in spirit, and will be glad your Dad is happy too. Enjoy your day.

It's your day do what makes you happy have a little candle burning in the church for your mum my sons did that to remember my dad was lovely xx most of all keep your mum alive and with you that day wear a piece of her jewellry and keep her close ,your day your way !!!

I think the best solution here is the bride and groom only table.
Not the same as a deceased parent of course but my brother was upset that his son's stepdad sat at the main (round) table and he was sidelined to sit with us and others. My brother didn't even get to make a speech or be in the bride/groom/parents photos.
Weddings are a mine field. Enjoy your day sara

I think you're being very sensitive and caring about all this, sarabi. I have pm'd you by the way, not wishing to be secretive in any way but, just having had a family wedding ourselves with a similar situation I wanted to mention a few things that were too personal to say on the www. The more I think about it the more I feel she should be seated next to your dad,[ especially as she won't know many people] but not in a 'top table' sort of way. Having the bridesmaids/best man etc at the top table sounds like a good idea.

Please let her sit next to your father. By not letting her sit there it is as if you are disapproving of her and her part in your fathers life.

Your mother would be so happy that he has someone... I think she would love the fact that he has a special person by his side helping him enjoy this lovely day of celebration.

Her soul flies free x

mpt123, thank you. That's what I'm most concerned about - looking back and knowing I've made the wrong decision. I also have no idea how I'm going to feel on the day and am a bit worried that I'll be so upset that mum isn't there, that I'll struggle with everything else.

This is a difficult situation for you, but I feel that it is something that could have a bearing on the future. Your father and his partner will be so upset and hurt by your decision, and it may affect their life together, as she may feel rejected by you. I think the suggestion of a special table just for you and your husband is a good one, as it means your father and his partner can sit together, and she will not feel that maybe she shouldn't be there. If they have to sit at separate tables people are bound to notice, and maybe think that you don't like her.

anya, please don't presume to tell me how I think or feel about this issue. I don't resent my dad's partner and I certainly do want her at the wedding.

Clearly this has touched a nerve with you, but actually I haven't made my decision at all, which is why I posted here in the first place.

So no, your presumptions are not the truth, despite the fact that you have clearly decided they are.

I understand how you feel, but there is probably no right or wrong here . I think that perhaps if your dad's partner is a very recent or casual relationship , and someone that you hardly know, and who has had no involvement in family social events, or even met the family, then the top table is maybe not appropriate. On the other hand, if you have accepted her as a serious part of your Dad's life, there would be no disrespect to your mum, and as already posted, a tribute to her will surely feature in the speeches.

I recently went to a wedding where there had been a family ruction, lots of remarriages etc. The bride and groom sat with the best man, bridesmaids, etc. on a centre table. Each set of parents and their new partners hosted a table. It worked really well. When the speeches were made, the relevant people, stood by the bridal table and the bride, the sister of the groom, bridesmaids etc all gave a speech. It was hilarious, moving and very different. Other "prime" people gave readings during the service. Everybody was kept happy in a most difficult situation. I was so impressed with the maturity of the bride and groom.

At both my children's wedding, it was the bride, groom, best man and bridesmaids. This was mainly because both sides had divorced parents. It's your day, seat people where you want to, but just having a top table with you and your attendants doesn't hurt anyone's feelings. My son had straight tables, my daughter had round tables.
Good luck and enjoy your day.

I am not going to offer advice but as a retired Registrar I conducted many Marriage Ceremonies. I have never forgotten one several years ago at a beautiful Stately Home when the seating for guests was in a semi circle. I was truly saddened to see the look on the couples faces as instead of being a continuous row of guests the middle three seats in each row were left unoccupied. Obviously there was some dispute but I saw tears in the Bride's eye and the look of love and support the Groom gave her. They will never have good memories of that day, I would hate you to regret your decisions.

Let's stop pussy-footing around here. You've made your decision, all I'm hearing to suggestions that you our your father's feelings before yours are 'yes, buts'.

You resent this woman taking your mothers place and you don't want her at the wedding, but because that's a step too far you e decided to play it this way.

OK that's harsh, but the truth. I hope it doesn't come back and bite you.

I think if your mum brought you up to be a caring thoughtful person (which it sounds like she did) and she loved your father and would want him to be happy (which I'm sure she did) then I think she would want you to put the new partner on the top table. No way is it disrespectful to your mum .Indeed a tribute to get that your dad wanted a new relationship
I lost my father 22years ago ,my mum 16 , and I miss them every day ,so I understand your sense of loss ,but your dad who I am assuming is relatively young ,,needs to move on .
Friend of mine recently (re)married a widower His daughter got married and friend was very careful not to try and 'be'the girls mother that day (they get on very well) .I think she offered to pay for her shoes....
Have a lovely day and know your mum will be with you .

I would go with your heart on this one it is you and your future husband's day and if this will add stress or upset to you then your father and his partner will have to accept the decision.

Why not have an empty chair with some beautiful flowers , that would mean they are especially for your mum. After all, there may be a toast to missing loved ones, and everyone could look at the place. If that's not for you, think about the good relationship you have with your dads partner. She will never replace your mother for sure, but she could be really helpful in the future with children if and when they come along. It might have been better if you had spoken to her first and told her how very sad and full of grief you still are. She might have suggested it herself then. Sort it out now before it gets worse, or your dad feels bad. After all, he may feel in the middle of the deep blue sea with this one.