Wedding/top table hurt

Do please put your Dad's partner on the top table. I personally think that is the right place for her to be. I am not surprised your Dad was upset as there are no ill-feelings between any of you at all. All three of you will be uncomfortable and nothing should mar your big day.

Well done on your solution, Bold: Sarabi That'll be a weight off your mind. It's obvious some of the later posters haven't read your later post that you've managed to resolve the problem in a clever way!

Have a wonderful day and a long and happy married life!

Oh Sarabi, I am glad you have come to the decision you have - you need to enjoy your day and not look back on it feeling uncomfortable or regretful. I totally understand how you feel. It would be completely different if your dad had remarried but it is such a new relationship. You sound so caring and sensitive to me, and have been so thoughtful about taking into account everybody's feelings. I hope you and your husband to be, and your dad and new partner will have a wonderful day. Having lost my mum last year I know how painful this feels and how much her presence is missed. My daughter gets married next year, and having been widowed when she was a baby, and never remarried, it will be a very emotional day for me, but a truly proud and happy one. I haven't found out about the seating arrangements yet, but it will be as the newlyweds want it and whatever that is it will be fine by me. Good luck for the future and be happy. ??

Hi Sara
Sorry for the late response, its only the first time I've replied to a post although I avidly read them all! I was in a very similar position to you. When we married my Mum had been passed away for a few years and my husbands parents had both passed away. Our top table must have looked a bit odd! I did ask my Dad's new partner to sit at top table but I missed my Mum so much that day (and every day) Dad made sure Mum was mentioned in his speech and the Best Man included all the her and my in-laws too. I found a company in America (of course!) who made beautiful candles in memory of people who were absent but present, we had one made with my Mum and Brother and my In-laws names on and that was lit throughout the day. I hope you have a really wonderful lovely day.

My feeling is that a lot depends upon your thoughts regarding your father's commitment to his new partner. Will you have her beside him in the photos? If you think it is a lasting relationship (do they live together?) then she should sit with him. If it's a more casual relationship, then perhaps you could ensure that she would be seated with the best man's partner, who is usually also not at the top table, and/or other close friends/family. There will, I assume, be special mention on your behalf of your late mother in your new husband's speech and how you miss her and wish she was with you to share this special occasion, but it's a day to also recognize that your father and his lady could feel embarrassed and belittled in front of family and friends. It's a tricky one and I hope whatever decision you come to that its right for everyone involved and that you and your husband-to-be have a wonderful wedding day.

OMG we made a huge error with photos, DD's brother in law was, of course, in the family pics, but we included his then girlfriend. The relationship broke up soon after and we cannot really photoshop her out. Lesson learnt.

Sometimes people look for trouble and snubs where none are intended! My DD1 & her DH to be having a registry marriage mid week and then on Saturday a full humanist wedding in a marquee in a lovely setting. This was what they saw as the proper marriage ceremony but legally needed the midweek one too! To make sure that the Saturday ceremony was given the status they wanted they just wanted immediate family at the registry office. As the SiL's parents are both remarried their new spouses were obviously invited the the RO but they said to the 3 step siblings ' please don't feel obliged to take a day off work , we consider Saturday to be THE day' their mum is still a bit upset about this apparent 'snub' 6 years on where none was intended!

I love the Spanish idea - a wonderful way to avoid the politics of the top table! I too, think you were wrong to separate your dad from his partner and although I can understand your reason for not wanting her to take your late mum's place at the table, it still isn't right. Put yourself in her position (or your dad's) and what would your answer be?

When I got married over 40 years ago (and paid for my own wedding) I had my parents at the top table because that's what tradition demanded. I really wanted my nan, who was the one who brought me up from the age of 7 to 23, to be at the top table.

But my MiL to-be (who was lovely and helped me organise the wedding) provided what we thought was the solution by suggesting we seat Nan at the table which ran diagonally and directly in front of where my hubs and I sat and that way, Nan would actually be nearer to me and we'd be able to chat etc whereas it's hard to see/speak with the others guests seated on either side of the bridal couple.

Nan seemed delighted with this.... until somebody thought to say to her that they thought it was really bad of me to place her there and not at the top table! Nan then thought I'd snubbed her doing what I did and I don't think she ever forgave me for it! And even now, I feel bad about it yet I thought I was doing the right thing.

Yes, the Spanish definitely have the right idea!

B2B2017, the OP has found a solution which works very well for her and has appeased her father. I am sure you can find a solution too. Weddings aren't the formulaic affairs they used to be so you can make changes that suit you and your family. Wishing you the very best on your big day

Put them side by side at the top table - she is his chosen partner and there is nothing disrespectful to your Mum - I am sure she would be happy that he is not on his own.

Sara, we have the same problem. We have only just set our wedding date (September 2017) and my partners Dad has a very new partner (only about 8 weeks in!). His mum died only 2 years ago and he still struggles a lot with losing his mum, however we had thought that we would invite his dad's new partner (assuming they are still together when we send out invitations). We have only met her once and his dad phoned last night in a strop to ask if we would be inviting her and if he would be sat with her. We weren't questioning inviting her but my partner doesn't want her sat in his mums place as we don't know her having only met her once. We're both very happy that he's found a new partner but j think he's getting very ahead of himself and stressing us both out!! I suggested perhaps offering his dad the option - either seating both his dad and his new partner at another table if he makes a fuss of her not being at the top table or he sits at the top table and she seats with other family that she knows. I hope you can make a decision you're both happy with.

I am glad you have reached a decition, and hope you have a lovely day.

I think you should talk to your dad's new partner and tell her how you feel. Hopefully you can come up with a solution between you. She must know she can never take your mum's place. Keep your dad in the loop too, according to tradition they shouldn't be sitting next to each other anyway!
I hope it all works out for you. xxx

Exactly DaphneBroon.

I feel really "weddinged out" as my husband's grandchildren who are twins both have seperate weddings coming up soon, and one has a facebook page full of photos and pre-wedding shoots already, with photos of the two of them appearing every day, it really does become too much to stomach.

I wanted to do something in the simplest possible way and get away from it all, but my husband didn't think it right. I absolutely hated the planning of it all. Best bit for me was one of the hymns which our little village church choir practised for weeks.

All this agonising over seating plans, formal photographs is so unnecessary though isn't it?
Nobody will be giving marks out of 10, nobody outside the family/friends group is affected, and anybody privileged enough to be invited needs to mind their own business. Some people do get so hung up on the "right" etiquette, but being comfortable, enjoying the event and having good memories is more than top tables or seating plans or stiff, posed official photographs. My own favourite wedding pics were the informal snaps friend and family took during the reception and which they sent us copies of.
We are not talking about arranging a Hampton Court banquet for Henry VIII are we?
Next thing will be a debate on favours, balloons, the "right" gifts for the bridesmaids etc I hope sarabi has the good sense and the confidence to do what she and her future husband want and wish them a wonderful stress-free day.

i'm sure sarabi will have a wonderful wedding. i've got a funeral go to this week. husband of ex wife.

seating plans anyone?

Your next obstacle is the pictures. Does your father expect her to be in the immediate family photos? I've got food older than their relationship. They're still in the honeymoon period. What if a month after the wedding the break up and for the rest of time you've got your dad's latest squeeze in every precious wedding picture? This is your wedding. The only two people who's happiness truly matters is yours and your OHs and if your father is putting his GF feelings above his daughters and the brides then he's not being a very good person and needs to take a long hard look in the mirror.

My daughter had similar 'issues' when she married. She solved them by a) she and her husband-to-be walked down the aisle together, as she didn't want her father to do it. b) she and her husband sat together at a small 'top table' at the reception, everyone else sat at other (round) tables. I'm sorry to say that when my son married a couple of years later he caused issues by not inviting members of the family that my husband (not his father) thought should have been invited. The ripples of that one are still on-going with neither my son nor my husband backing down and I'm stuck in the middle. Very often weddings really don't bring out the best in families, or is it that we see one another in a more accurate light?

I am divorced from my daughter's father and we both had partners (his now unfortunately died) When my daughter married in 2009 she had circular tables . At the front and close to a smaller table with the wedding cake is where the bride/ groom ,best man, and bridesmaids. Then on the other table was her father,partner and immediate family. Next table myself ,partner,mother and immediate family. Next table their friends and then lastly tables for workmates etc. This worked out very well.

I thought this matter had already been resolved. If sarabi were truly selfish, she wouldn't care one way or the other whether her dad was upset - she'd just say "it's my special day and I'll do what I want". Her feelings were conflicted and she was trying to find a solution that would not make her feel uncomfortable at the same time as not hurting anyone else. She seems to have arrived at that solution, and says that her dad is happy with it.

Zorro I didn't quite catch that, I seem to have bits of chicken blocking my ears

Thank you Faye

There is quite a difference between a long-term partner of 20 years and a new girlfriend of five months who may be really lovely and become a long-term partner some time in the future which i am sure you realise Zorro!
If a girl can't be just a tad selfish on her wedding day when can she be? Anyway, it's not selfish to want the day to be perfect, it is about the bridal couple not about the guests.
So often all this angst about guests etc can mar what should be a lovely day providing happy memories.
sarabi has made the right decision.

Sarab I was going to suggest only having the bridal party and no parents, but I like your solution. I also liked the empty chairs idea for the bride and groom to be able to sit at different tables during the reception.

There are many parents who are divorced and still alive, it really doesn't work in my opinion having parents at the top table. Some of our lovely family photos are spoilt because of ex b/friends of short duration are included in the photo.

Jalima your post makes perfect sense, I agree and I am sure many other Grannetters do too. Waits to get shouted at by Zorro

Zorro21 did you not know using capital letters is in fact shouting at someone.

(just so Jalima doesn't feel deprived)

THE ULTIMATE DIFFERENCE IS, JALIMA, I HAVE THE EXPERIENCE OF BEING THE BRIDE AND HAVE THE EXPERIENCE OF BEING THE GIRLFRIEND, THEREFORE I KNOW THE SITUATIONS PERFECTLY. I ALSO KNOW HOW DAUGHTERS CAN BE AND HOW THEY ACT AND WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE A COMPLETE OUTSIDER IN A FAMILY AND IT ISN'T NICE. THAT'S WHY I SUPPORT THE GIRLFRIEND MORE THAN THE BRIDE, BECAUSE OF THE HURT.

THE TRUTH MAY HURT. ISN'T THERE SOMETHING IN THE ORIGINAL POST ABOUT HURT?