How would you feel?

Oh, that's really sad.

oldgoose My mother was in your situation , in middle age my father went away on his own to spain, met a widow and became friend,y, he met her secretly on further visits to Spain and also visited her at home and other meetings. My mother had tried to befriend her but despite this they continued to see each other. This caused my mother a great deal of unhappiness and knocked what little confidence she had. she contacted this woman who was embarrassed but explained despite knowing he was married, she was lonely and had enjoyed the attention. Their relationship endured for a number of years. My parents continued to live in the same house but had separate lives up until he died.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Yes-mark her card!

Perhaps the idea of befriending the lady on Facebook may work then. If you ask her to look out for him and take care of him for you as you can't be there but love and will miss him very much may alter her perspective. He knows how much you care so I'm sure he'll be fine.

Just got to say that yes, I do love my other half, very much, otherwise this trip would not bother me as much as it does. Can't imagine life without him, he's a pain in the ass, but he's MY pain in the ass !

I go to NZ and the flights to Aussie are a lot cheaper you can get there for £600 plus I agree Singapore airlines are very good I have also flown with Garuda air NZ and KLM no problems with any of them

You are right OldGoose infidelities can happen on your doorstep . In none of your posts have I seen the word love in connection with you and your partner so that may well be your answer

Good luck and enjoy your son only seeing my guy about every 5 years I totally understand your excitement I think I d take out a bank loan and get there as quickly as possible

You sound strong enough and independent enough to take whatever fate decides. I think you'll survive your OH's trip better than he may!

You've made your decision on Canada,but can I offer some advise on Australia having been lucky enough to go for Christmas and my 60th in May. There is a site called skyscanner you will find it if you google it. You put in all your requirements for your flights i.e date which airport your flying to etc and it scans every flight to that destination and starts by showing you the cheapest.It will then alert you when there is price changes which helps you keep an eye on prices.Be careful of stop overs tho cos they can be long or more than one. For instance I went on 23rd Dec it cost £1,300 with Singapore airlines amazing company with a 3 hour stop over at Singapore, the exact same flight in May cost £665.May time is there winter which affects flight prizes but if you would prefer cooler climate that is the best time to go.Another member of my family did same journey with British airways and was very disappointed with the poor service. Wish you well.

Dear Oldgoose.
I think you are brave and wise and will make the right decision. I really do hope you both come out of this with your relationship and your pride intact.

Good for you oldgoose, I think you've made a wise decision and wish you well.

Thank you everyone for your comments, I have read every one and I have made a few decisions.

First of all, OH and I are not married. We have been together for 16 years and so we keep seperate finances and also my son in Oz is not OH's son. My husband died when my children were still at school.

I am retired but OH is still working as he just missed the retirement age that I was s lucky to take advantage of . He is a generous man, but we have both had a lot of losing jobs etc between us over the years - going to Australia is going to cost a lot more than going to Canada. Also, with Oz, I do not wish to travel alone. I have not flown much in my life and so my daughter is saving too, so that we can go together which helps make me feel a lot better.

As so many of you say, I am not my OH's keeper, Mother,or even his wife, so I will continue to do my thing as far as holidays go and he will do his. We do go away together as well, we went to France last year and have quite a few weekend breaks in the UK.

Maybe it's that I have learned, during my time alone after my husband died, to stand on my own two feet, to not do anything I do not want to do and I feel I have earned the right to be like this. There are many reasons I do not want to go to Canada - most of them personal to me and would seem silly to other people. Believe me it is taking all my strength and willpower to save for Australia.

So I will tell OH how I feel. Thats all I can do. After all, he dosn't need to go away on holiday to do something with someone else, lots of people manage it on their own doorsteps!

I love the varied responses I got and could see everyone's point of view. If I regret my decision then it's my own fault but that is how I see things at the moment.

Could your son lend you the money for your trip to Australia? So you could then do both. You don't have to tell your son about your concerns - just that it's important to you to be able to make both visits within a short space of time.

I have a friend who was invited to go on a trip to Australia but had to fund herself.She was very keen to go - for various reasons, would never have the opportunity again - but finances were stretched. Her lovely son (who is in work but not wealthy) lent her the money.He was glad to be asked and to be able to help her. She is paying him back gradually as she can afford it.

So obvious that this woman is not messaging to enquire about the weather.How much would it bother you were you to find out that when he was back in Canada he had succumbed to this womans charms.Many men just love the flattery of another woman.If you feel any indiscretions would not bother you I question your true feelings for him so why waste your money by going with him..
Other than that then buy some new gear pack your case and go meet this female.See if she is really worth getting concerned about

How can he afford all those trips and you can't. Isn't your money 50-50?
Clear up the finances and draw the money out of the bank for Australia and with what's left over see if you both can go to Canada.
If there is only one trip each then go and see your son. Even if he has it off with this Canadian woman he'll be back although he sounds a handful. I'm not sure she will want him on a permanent basis.

I would go to Oz and let him go to Canada on his own. And if he falls for this woman ,he will have to cope with the consequences. Please do not feel you have to look after this man in some way. Try to build up some funds of your own. I know this seems harsh but showing you are a capable self sufficient person might prove more attractive in the end. I would want to see my son.

I too think Bluebelle has a point. Only you know whether you want the risk of him being snaffled by this woman, and how much you'd really care - or be relieved if he went.

His brother is now part of his life and if you want to stay together you need to make him part of yours too. Perhaps this other lady thinks he has an 'open' relationship or is freer than he really is.

Its up to you.

You know the saying 'if you love him let him go' ...about sums this up ...you are either going to trust him, or not ! He knows nothing about this woman, presumably, and she knows nothing about him. The attention and the flattery are both exciting to them !

As has been suggested, can you not phone his brother and find out what went on, what he has said about this woman, and, if he will tell you, what he has said about you and your relationship.

Security is difficult to let go of, especially when you are older ,,but you only have one life, and it is short ...go with your instinct. Go to Canada if it is for the right reasons, go to Australia on your own likewise. It sounds as if this is a second relationship (marriage ?) ....and your son as you call him, is not you Other Half's 'child' which may explain it.

Harsh as it may seem, you may be better off without him ....
and you need to tell him how you feel !

Why would you not want to go to Canada????

Just posting to make the point that I know quite a few couples who keep their finances (at least as far as savings go) separate. They are all second (or third!) marriages and I can see the logic, especially if the parties each have children.

I don't think your suspicions are unfounded Oldgoose, sounds like your OH has expectations! By not going with him you're facilitating two things that every extra-marital affair needs - opportunity and a willing third party.
Still, you could take the risk and let him go alone if that's the practical thing to do. Sure, its a gamble, a test of your relationship and it will be a difficult time for you. Just don't let him forget about you or think you're not interested in what he's up to. Keep in touch through FaceTime, Skype or Whatsapp. Say you want photograps emailed to you, Facebook updates or regular phone calls despite the time difference.
Sounds like you're his rock and as you've already discussed this woman surely he knows what's at stake if he strays? If not, make it clear.

I agree with Bluebelle. Perhaps this should be a trigger to examine your relationship more deeply. Your post suggests that you don't want to share big events, or even travel with your husband. At the same time, you don't want him to spend time with another woman who may want to share things with him. Also, as others have said, ADHD and Aspergers are totally different condition. Furthermore, a racing mind can also be symptomatic of OCD. In the end of course, the diagnosis matters less than knowing each other well and deciding what you want from your relationship.

Nanolife. It happened to my father too. She was the loser though. My mother would never have left him and it actually took her a few years to admit how abusive he was.

Its the woman you need to worry about.....To be on your own as you get older, can for some women be a worry, emotionally and financially.

So they are actively searching....they see a man on his own, they see an opportunity! They will flirt, flatter, and massage his ego, make no mistake, these women are very very clever... then bingo! he's off. Most likely a big mistake but then its too late, the damage is done and lives are shattered. I saw this happen to my lovely beautiful friend, the mother of his three gorgeous children, what a nob head. he broke so many hearts, asked to be forgiven but then it was too late.....

It is hard to know exactly what to do, but I think that if there has been 'romantic' connections with this other woman I would do something now.
What about talking to this woman or even his brother if he knows her to explain about OH and how he acts and responds to attention.

I would be inclined to go to Canada. Although it would mean two long journeys, the journey to Canada is nothing like that to Australia and as long as you give yourself time to recover you should be fine.
Although I didn't like living in Canada (I was a teenager and it was in the 60s) it is definitely somewhere worth seeing and I don't think there is anywhere similar particularly if you go in the early fall. It can get very hot in the Summer (and of course cold in the Winter).
You are worrying now. Imagine how you will be when he is actually there. In some ways, you have to fill in the gaps with his difficulties in relationships/empathy etc. as that is not going to change.
I think women in Canada and the US can be much more forward in going after men than we are here and she is obviously not too concerned that he has a wife.