splitting up at 72?

It's very sad to read how many posters are living in unhappy circumstances best wishes to you all it must be an hard decision to leave after years together and homes you have helped make ?

Talking Therapy is really good. Anyone can just look their number up and help you and it's free. Counselling isn't free on NHS. Because of your age the housing associations and Council housing dept consider senior aged people as vulnerable and would if you went to see them help you with a move to a peaceful home of your own. It might feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. Good luck. I personally know how hard it is to take that step.

After all those years with him, my advice would be to stay put and bide your time XX

Lots of good advice here; all I would add is that an unhappy, abused and depressed life is not a life at all, and if you can break free and have a fresh start in another place then whatever time you have left - and for any of us that could be days, months, years, we can't know - you can spend being easy in your mind and relaxed in the knowledge that you are safe from abuse. Good luck to you - I hope you find the strength to do what is best for you loobyloo. xx

Looby, whatever you decide, an old folks home is the last place you should consider going into as one commentee suggested.You sound much younger than your years and you need the companionship of those with an active mind like your self.You said your husband was an abusive alcoholic and yet he ignores you?.Be his waitress do his washing annoying as it may be and your efforts are not appreciated but then go out and do your own thing and meet others like minded.Leave him in his world. Do you need to share the same bed? Buy a nice bed settee and you go sleep in another part of the property you share and he in his.

I agree with those who say you should make a life for yourself, but don't rush into anything without taking legal advice - you may be able to get him out and stay in your flat yourself and you don't want to be forced to support him. Good luck.

I'm with Riverwalk. If he has abused you, is it not possible to get a restraining order? I think a trip to CAB or a solicitor is needed. I don't see why it is you that has to leave. I can see it would not be easy, but worth a try?

I could be reading an exact copy of what my life was like
in the five years before my husband passed away.You say you have lived like this for the last twenty How you have managed to go on that long I cannot imagine.If he becomes abusive then you have to get help.Your first port of call would be his doctor who would get the ball rolling and get you professional help.You do not say how old you are.If you are near your husbands age life would not be easy staring out again.He appears to have retreated into his own world with the aid of alchol.You can get out and do things you enjoy which is great for you and it does not seem as if that bothers him.Accept there is nothing you can do that will change him.You did what you thought was right all those years ago.Find even more interests in your life join a club Don't reproach yourself, don't get into debt thinking life will be better the other side of the fence.I wish you luck I survived although what wouldn't I give to have back the man I loved all those years ago.Warts and all.

I've only just read this thread and I am so sorry for you. I too don't see why you should move but it all depends on a cracking solicitor( I think they use sh1t h0t as the description on Mumsnet ) I would also go onto Mumsnet I think they have brilliant advice on their Relate threads. Find your flat deeds and collect your pension details and his if you can. Some very useful info here for you. I wish we had a Gransnet flying squad who could come and help you move or stay.

By the way, who cooks for him? Not you, I hope? Being his servant, if that's the case, should stop right now.

I had to smile at what my husband - foxie - wrote. He's said this to other people and he acted on it himself, in November 1997. Today is the start of the rest of your life. No one should have to live one day in the sort of circumstances in which you find yourself, through no fault of your own. Bricks and mortar, sticks and stones, 'things', just do not matter beside your happiness. Life is precious and it is for living.

I'm very glad you contacted a women's charity. They will give you incalculable help and support.

I'm sure some of us have been following the domestic abuse storyline in 'The Archers' recently. If not, look it up. Approx £150K has been raised for the women's charity Refuge as a result of it.

Coercive control i.e. the kind of domestic abuse that doesn't leave bruises but does result in psychological and other damage, was made illegal as recently as last year.

Staying in Looby s own home would be ideal Riverwalk but it doesn't sound as if the husband would go anywhere willingly and it could be very very messy and long winded getting him out if Looby goes he doesn't even have to know where she is and she can start a whole new life without any of the old getting in the way ...... I left with nothing except the kids but just remember the peace was indescribable

I am so sorry for you Looby. I would definitely go and make a new life for yourself.After fifty two years it will be heartbreaking leaving him in such a state but you have to think about yourself too.
You could apply for council accommodation and being in the situation you are in you should be given help. Quite a lot of council accommodation for older people is quite nice. You will get help with the rent etc as you are on a low pension.
I would seek help from the CAB they will be able to advise you.

Hello Looby loo. ...I've read your posts and do hope some of the advice or suggestions have "clicked" with you.
If you have money in saving please make sure he can't touch it AT ALL.
Havr you considered moving into a rented flat with warden on site....forgotten the correct term for them now....Or a home for the elderly ?? All enquiries about these can discussed with your LA Social Services.
There nothing to be ashamed of in contacting them. As you have the support from your GP and a Police Incident reported all these may show your need for safety.
Whatever you decide I wish You Well.

Riverwalk has suggested what I was thinking. Why should you be the one to have the upheaval and distress of leaving the home you love. Perhaps Social Services could advise you if there are any options for getting your husband moved to accommodation appropriate to his condition. The very very best of luck and I hope you have years of contentment.

I'd advise not to leave your home.

You should seek proper legal advice with the aim of getting your husband to move, maybe into some sort of sheltered accommodation, after all he is an 82 year-old alcoholic.

It's intolerable to live like this in your later years - he could go on for a long time!

I'm no expert on benefits but think there is a guaranteed income which would supplement your pension.

A million thanks to all you lovely ladies who have bothered to offer their help and advice. I have had a lot of contact with Dash - domestic abuse stops here- and they were wonderful. Also the girl at the local police station, so once I have decided I will have support I am sure. What is stopping me? No feelings for him left at all so why am I such a wimp? what a pity we can't see into the future or perhaps it's just as well...

My heart goes out to you Looblou. There is some excellent advice on this thread. Take it & spend the rest of your life in peace.It will not be easy but you deserve a life of your own & you must take steps to get it.
I will be thinking about you- do let us know what you do & how it goes.
with lovexx

Dear Loobylou. I am so sorry and can only advise that you find some way, any way, to get out of the situation you are in. I wish there was something I could do to help. My marriage lasted 40 years and 25 of them were miserable. Neither I nor the youngsters would invite friends to the house unless I was alone so I understand absolutely what you mean about your family life being wrecked even though in my case alcohol and physical abuse were not a factor. After he retired I hated returning from work and once he left the sense of peace that washed over me was beautiful.
There are some good suggestions here for steps you can take and I pray that you get help.

Meant to say they have rent accommodation

I just wondered if he was ever in the services? (Because you say you moved every three years) if that the case could you contact the British legion or ssafa. They are there for wives and families as well as those who served. Good luck.

Have courage Loobyloo. Abuse is abuse, so leave. I got out, I realise it's nearly 20 years ago and it was the best thing I ever did. I am still on my own but very happy with my life. Possessions aren't important and if you even have a small one room flat of your own, you will feel stronger and more at peace. And you will develop good friendships and probably a better relationship with your family. Good luck

Isn't there a new law that offers protection against harassment, intimidation etc etc. You could perhaps have him removed!!! but need to have a good talk with the Domestic Abuse side of the Police Force. If you did move you may be entitled to benefits, especially if you are as old or nearly as old as your husband so perhaps you could discuss the situation with Welfare Benefits. There is nearly always a way out. But you have to be sure you really want to take the next step.

Lots of wise advise from PPs, but just wanted to add a few thoughts ...

Remember that between now and his final demise your husband is likely to deteriorate massively health-wise. Think hard about whether you're willing to take on the role of his carer in years to come! It's a hard enough task to do for someone you love, but I can't imagine how one would manage it in your situation.

Similarly, between now and his death he's managing to eat up the finances - acting sooner rather than later would be better for you.

It sounds as though you have friends and family who will provide moral support if you need it, and more importantly a distraction from the difficult tasks ahead of you. Imagine the joy of welcoming them into your own home (however modest) in the future as you set out on the new chapter of your life.

I wish you well.

What are you doing....How dare anyone have the right to shatter anyone's life..make it a misery...& then have that same person stay a lifetime with them...he has given you a life sentence...now set yourself free......you owe it to yourself..theres help out there..seek & you will find...
start your you future today...best wishes in all that you do..