splitting up at 72?

Oh dear looby I am sorry you have been living such an unhappy life for so many yeArs. it is very hard to make a move after so many years of marriage. Property prices are high in the south east but this misery could continue for another 20 odd years. It depends on how much you can put up with. My mum was in the same position and my father lived until he was over 90 and She developed dementia shortly afterwards, so never got any peace or happiness which makes me very sad. If you can be brave enough to make the move try to do this. You could have many years ahead of you, either of happiness or misery.
We offered mum to live with us , but if you can find a small place close to your daughter it would surely be better than waiting to become a Merry Widow, it could be years. Easy to say but not easy to do I know. Talk to your daughter again,

Oh good heavens loobyloo I think you need help with this terrible problem. Is there some agency or organisation that could offer you the type of counselling that will support you in coming to your decision. You could start with your GP. I'm hoping some of the Gransnetters will know of just such a body you could consult. My very best wishes and I am so sorry you are having such a miserable time.

Why don't you just ignore him? Shouldn't be difficult if he stays in his own little room.Not ideal obviously, but if there's no other realistic way out, you will need to make the best of it. Cook nice things for yourself. Keep your bit of the flat looking nice. Look after yourself generally.

How has he spoilt your family life? Why can't you visit your children and grandchildren on your own? And invite them to yours? Give the grandkids strict instructions to keep away from his room.

How is he abusive? You say he has nothing to do with you.

Thanks so much to both silverlining and teetime for bothering to read and reply to my post. I am sorry to hear about your mum silverlining, that must have been awful for you to have to see. I feel sure though that you supported her and helped her and that would have meant the world to her. I went to the GP years ago to appeal for help and she said yes, he could go on for years. She sent me for counselling and gave me antidepressants but the problem-him- remained - I even tried al anon which was no use at all.
After the last incident of physical abuse which was in March, the police put me on high risk for 3 months. I told him the next time I would bring charges and since then he calls me names and slams around but does not seem to realise that this is still abuse. I am on tablets for high blood pressure and feel very tired and depressed and wonder if I could cope with selling up and moving.Quite honestly I feel I don't care what he does to me as I have no kind of life anyway. My daughters have their own families and busy lives and even my grandaughters are young women now.
I never imagined my life would end up like this it's so sad.

Umm. I read it too. [confusd]

Gosh Loobyloo what a sad state of affairs I think even if you can only afford a one roomed place it would be preferable I know the packing up and moving part is awful but surely your daughters and grandchildren can help with that Would sheltered housing be an option or renting a small place even a nice mobile home I quite fancy them Would you be able to go on pension credit or whatever it's called now to help with rent ? would a visit to CAB or even the benifits office be helpful for advice as to what you could manage ? I would also go back to GP you say it was years ago a new visit and tell them what's going on they can be really useful and pointing you to help You sound very depressed and understandable you do need other agencies involved to help you Don't waste the last years of your life like this

Like my mum you have made a life outside but essentially you are still unhappy because of what goes on at home. Abuse comes in different guises and name calling is a powerful form of abuse. I wanted my mum to leave and start afresh but she didn't have sufficient courage he having totally undermined her confidence over the years and so she stayed, living separate lives and the atmosphere was toxic. It meant we never went to see her, she always had to come to us; we were always pleased to have her here but it was hard taking her home. Do try and get some advice, visit your GPs again and talk to your family. Good luck and all the best whatever you decide.

Is the flat in your sole name or would he have to agree to its sale, which seems unlikely?

You seem to be a terrible situation, but could you survive on your own pension if you left, even if you got some sort of help with the rent?

I agree that you need impartial advice. The best of luck!

Have you talked to Women's Aud?

Thanks for your comments. Silverlining you have totally understood the situation exactly. Actually after writing this down I think I know now what I have to do. I love where I live, in my flat, I think because when I was younger we moved around the UK every 3 years, dragging my daughters, for his job. So yes, I can do it once more, for myself.
Thanks everyone it was cathartic putting it down

Good luck, be brave. I just wish my dear mum could have been.

loobyloo, I'm so sorry that your life is so sad. Please, please look out for yourself and get somewhere safe. Talk to your daughter about finding a safe place for you to live. Please take care of yourself.

If you have a joint bank account, perhaps you could gradually squirrel away some money, however little, before informing him of your intensions, otherwise he may drink it all away. I am another who thinks you will be better off alone, however small the studio or whatever.
I stayed in an unhappy but not abusive marriage for many years, living in separate parts of the house. Even when I couldn't see him, my hackles were always up. It is a horrible existance. I eventually saw a solicitor for advice and we split what little we had 2 ways. I am now very happy on my own, and DDs say I should have done it years before.
Good luck in whatever you decide.

Loobyloo Good luck with your decision. Take good care of yourself. ?

You have to go - this is no sort of life for you. Take courage and believe that you have a right to a better life than this.

Please go to CAB, or have your free solicitor appointment, so that you know where to turn and how to proceed.

I wish you luck for the future.

There is alcoholic dementia maybe he should be evaluated? Maybe a care home in his future. Personality changes are a symptom like most dementia.

Hello Looby,

My mum had similar issues but my dad died in his early 70s so she made a decent life for herself. I would advise you to contact the local Women's' Refuge as you are most definitely subject to emotional abuse. They can give all sorts of advice and support. You should initially contact Womens' Aid (the number should be in your phone book or online). They are wonderful. You shouldn't have to put up with treatment like this. Alternatively contact Alcoholics Anonymous - they support relatives too.

Hi Loobyloo. After I left my husband many years ago, taking my 4 very young children with me, my mother left my father. She said because I had left my husband, this had given her the courage to do the same. I won't go into any reasons why, but surfice to say they were similar to yours. There are a number of places you can go to for advice. First of all the CAB (Citizens Advice Bureau) who have a great deal of experience dealing with this kind of problem. Secondly, go to your local council. This might enable you to get some kind of accommodation. Granted it won't be owned by you but at least it will get you out of the situation you are now in and give you some peace of mind. Then I think it would be a good idea to seek advice from a Solicitor who deals with divorce issues and who should be able to give you all the advice with regards to your legal position. I hope that once you begin to do things to help yourself that you will feel much better and more positive about the future. I wish you all the best and hope you can feel a lot more positive and much happier very soon.

You need to do whatever is going to be best for your happy future - don't give a single thought to him, because he obviously gives no thought to you. Even the tiniest of little places could feel like the most secure and happy castle and palace, if you don't have to share it with anyone. I hope you can find happiness for yourself, as you absolutely deserve it. I do advise, as have others, that you go back to your GP, and go also to CAB to find out exactly what options you do have, and what help you can get with all aspects of your situation. Arm yourself with knowledge first, and you will be all the stronger when you act.

Go, Loobyloo, go! Dont waste another precious moment of your life on someone who is dragging you down. I faced a very similar decision some ten years ago... and left. i brought charges against my ex husband for assault a good two years before I threw in the towel, but it didnt change him or moderate his drinking habits. The decision to leave is one which I have never regretted for one moment. My only regret is that I didn't do it years before. Yes I now live in a tiny council flat, (which actually suits me very well and is so easy to keep clean and nice...) and yes, money is tight - my total pensions amount to less than £10000 per year and there are no savings. However I do get some help with rent and a few other things like council tax and NHS charges for specs and dental things. On the plus side I have my children and grandchildren and a few good friends. I don't really have a glittering social life as such as there isn't the money, however I am still a million times happier living on my own, away from the drama and unhappiness which living with an alcoholic, can mean. I have a library within walking distance, my dog is my faithful companion and I have learned to rejoice in little things. Please believe in your own ability to strike out on your own - living with an abuser saps your confidence and self esteem and I know how helpless it can make you feel after years of it... but you are still YOU and you deserve better than to live out your own life under such a black cloud.

I hope that you will keep us posted - for sure there are lots of people here wishing you well and hoping that you can find the courage and energy, to make the break and seize life with both hands.

I think there is a lot of good advice here which you must act on. But I imagine you need a good friend to help you put it all into action. Don't be afraid to ask a friend or relative to go through it with you. It will take courage to go for help and it will be worth it. Go for it, get a new life. It's never too late xx

I can't offer any better constructive advice than the helpful posters already have given, but encourage you to make a new life for yourself. He could live a long time!! Living there and ignoring him does not change the toxicity that spills into your life because of his addiction and any other health issues mental or physical he has.

I have often thought that if I ended up a widow, I'd keep this flat and let it out for the rental income, or sell it and use the money for my own needs, and still rent. I would not tie all my cash up in a new place.

Sending healing thoughts and wishing you the best. Get out, live your life and enjoy the support of your friends and your children and grandchildren.

Grandmaz got it right looby and is happy
Get professional advice about the flat and any benefits you may be entitled to
You will be able to relax in your own small place, I think your family will help when you have made the decision. Don't put up with this any longer take care of yourself and good luck.