splitting up at 72?

Loobyloo, I understand your situation exactly as it's more or less the same as mine. It's pity as well as fear that keeps me from making any moves.

Hi

What a difficult situation and some difficult decisions for you. My mother died recently aged 89, my father is alive and well aged 94. He had always been controlling and verbally abusive. I wish we had known the extent of it and asked her to live with us. Mum finally left him when she was terminally ill, and moved into a small flat in a nursing home where she died peacefully. I was there but wished so much she could have had a better final ten or twenty years of her life.

I'm sure you could get some sheltered housing because of your husbands alcoholism and abuse. I appreciate you want to stay in your own flat .... is there any way you can divide the flat up more so that you don't have to sleep in the same room?

I don't think you can depend on him dying before you, I'm afraid, I hope you can at least get some advice and support from your family and local organisations. Have you tried Age Uk? The Age UK branch our area was very helpful. ?

I would see Citizens Advice who will probably advise a solicitor straight away. If your husband has got through all the cash he might be borrowing against the house and you could both end up homeless and with nothing - which might be a blessing if you were to get housed, but there is such a shortage of social housing that you might get something really dire.
I believe that AA has a group for families, which might be helpful too.
Don't be afraid, if you can make the effort to sort yourself out now, your health and energy will probably improve, maybe your family will visit you in your own place, and your final years, which could be many, will be transformed.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life so get up and go and don't look back. You will be free from this bullying ignoramus intent on killing himself. Make a life for yourself and be happy

Good luck Loobyloo

loobyloo6624 So sorry you are in this position. Start an account of your own and put money aside as you can. Go on the CAB Advice Guide www.adviceguide.org.uk/ Read up and then make an appointment with them to see an advisor. They can help you with your exit strategy.
It looks as if you may not be able to make your partner leave see:
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/relationships/relationship-problems/relationship-breakdown-and-housing/common-issues-relationship-breakdown-and-housing/relationship-breakdown-and-housing-can-you-make-your-partner-leave/
However staying on and your health and welfare suffering is unacceptable. You may decide on a separation or divorce and this process may then determine how your aassets are shared. You may decide to put yourself down for sheltered housing near your daughter etc. You can discuss all this with the CAB adviser. Good luck

Hi Looby, I can sympathise with your predicament of breaking up after so many years of marriage. My husband and I split after 46 years and although life seemed impossible at the time, I now realise that I am better off alone. You will find that if you visit CAB or a solicitor they will tell you that if you divorce, you will be entitled to half your husband's pension which may help you considerably when planning your future. Also, I would not rule out the suggestion that you contact Women's Aid, as they will at least be able to advise you and perhaps be a link to finding safer accommodation. I wish you well. Please keep posting as there are many GNs on here who will want to support you.

Grandmaz got it right looby and is happy
Get professional advice about the flat and any benefits you may be entitled to
You will be able to relax in your own small place, I think your family will help when you have made the decision. Don't put up with this any longer take care of yourself and good luck.

I can't offer any better constructive advice than the helpful posters already have given, but encourage you to make a new life for yourself. He could live a long time!! Living there and ignoring him does not change the toxicity that spills into your life because of his addiction and any other health issues mental or physical he has.

I have often thought that if I ended up a widow, I'd keep this flat and let it out for the rental income, or sell it and use the money for my own needs, and still rent. I would not tie all my cash up in a new place.

Sending healing thoughts and wishing you the best. Get out, live your life and enjoy the support of your friends and your children and grandchildren.

I think there is a lot of good advice here which you must act on. But I imagine you need a good friend to help you put it all into action. Don't be afraid to ask a friend or relative to go through it with you. It will take courage to go for help and it will be worth it. Go for it, get a new life. It's never too late xx

Go, Loobyloo, go! Dont waste another precious moment of your life on someone who is dragging you down. I faced a very similar decision some ten years ago... and left. i brought charges against my ex husband for assault a good two years before I threw in the towel, but it didnt change him or moderate his drinking habits. The decision to leave is one which I have never regretted for one moment. My only regret is that I didn't do it years before. Yes I now live in a tiny council flat, (which actually suits me very well and is so easy to keep clean and nice...) and yes, money is tight - my total pensions amount to less than £10000 per year and there are no savings. However I do get some help with rent and a few other things like council tax and NHS charges for specs and dental things. On the plus side I have my children and grandchildren and a few good friends. I don't really have a glittering social life as such as there isn't the money, however I am still a million times happier living on my own, away from the drama and unhappiness which living with an alcoholic, can mean. I have a library within walking distance, my dog is my faithful companion and I have learned to rejoice in little things. Please believe in your own ability to strike out on your own - living with an abuser saps your confidence and self esteem and I know how helpless it can make you feel after years of it... but you are still YOU and you deserve better than to live out your own life under such a black cloud.

I hope that you will keep us posted - for sure there are lots of people here wishing you well and hoping that you can find the courage and energy, to make the break and seize life with both hands.

You need to do whatever is going to be best for your happy future - don't give a single thought to him, because he obviously gives no thought to you. Even the tiniest of little places could feel like the most secure and happy castle and palace, if you don't have to share it with anyone. I hope you can find happiness for yourself, as you absolutely deserve it. I do advise, as have others, that you go back to your GP, and go also to CAB to find out exactly what options you do have, and what help you can get with all aspects of your situation. Arm yourself with knowledge first, and you will be all the stronger when you act.

Hi Loobyloo. After I left my husband many years ago, taking my 4 very young children with me, my mother left my father. She said because I had left my husband, this had given her the courage to do the same. I won't go into any reasons why, but surfice to say they were similar to yours. There are a number of places you can go to for advice. First of all the CAB (Citizens Advice Bureau) who have a great deal of experience dealing with this kind of problem. Secondly, go to your local council. This might enable you to get some kind of accommodation. Granted it won't be owned by you but at least it will get you out of the situation you are now in and give you some peace of mind. Then I think it would be a good idea to seek advice from a Solicitor who deals with divorce issues and who should be able to give you all the advice with regards to your legal position. I hope that once you begin to do things to help yourself that you will feel much better and more positive about the future. I wish you all the best and hope you can feel a lot more positive and much happier very soon.

Hello Looby,

My mum had similar issues but my dad died in his early 70s so she made a decent life for herself. I would advise you to contact the local Women's' Refuge as you are most definitely subject to emotional abuse. They can give all sorts of advice and support. You should initially contact Womens' Aid (the number should be in your phone book or online). They are wonderful. You shouldn't have to put up with treatment like this. Alternatively contact Alcoholics Anonymous - they support relatives too.

There is alcoholic dementia maybe he should be evaluated? Maybe a care home in his future. Personality changes are a symptom like most dementia.

You have to go - this is no sort of life for you. Take courage and believe that you have a right to a better life than this.

Please go to CAB, or have your free solicitor appointment, so that you know where to turn and how to proceed.

I wish you luck for the future.

Loobyloo Good luck with your decision. Take good care of yourself. ?

If you have a joint bank account, perhaps you could gradually squirrel away some money, however little, before informing him of your intensions, otherwise he may drink it all away. I am another who thinks you will be better off alone, however small the studio or whatever.
I stayed in an unhappy but not abusive marriage for many years, living in separate parts of the house. Even when I couldn't see him, my hackles were always up. It is a horrible existance. I eventually saw a solicitor for advice and we split what little we had 2 ways. I am now very happy on my own, and DDs say I should have done it years before.
Good luck in whatever you decide.

loobyloo, I'm so sorry that your life is so sad. Please, please look out for yourself and get somewhere safe. Talk to your daughter about finding a safe place for you to live. Please take care of yourself.

Good luck, be brave. I just wish my dear mum could have been.

Thanks for your comments. Silverlining you have totally understood the situation exactly. Actually after writing this down I think I know now what I have to do. I love where I live, in my flat, I think because when I was younger we moved around the UK every 3 years, dragging my daughters, for his job. So yes, I can do it once more, for myself.
Thanks everyone it was cathartic putting it down

Have you talked to Women's Aud?

Is the flat in your sole name or would he have to agree to its sale, which seems unlikely?

You seem to be a terrible situation, but could you survive on your own pension if you left, even if you got some sort of help with the rent?

I agree that you need impartial advice. The best of luck!

Like my mum you have made a life outside but essentially you are still unhappy because of what goes on at home. Abuse comes in different guises and name calling is a powerful form of abuse. I wanted my mum to leave and start afresh but she didn't have sufficient courage he having totally undermined her confidence over the years and so she stayed, living separate lives and the atmosphere was toxic. It meant we never went to see her, she always had to come to us; we were always pleased to have her here but it was hard taking her home. Do try and get some advice, visit your GPs again and talk to your family. Good luck and all the best whatever you decide.

Gosh Loobyloo what a sad state of affairs I think even if you can only afford a one roomed place it would be preferable I know the packing up and moving part is awful but surely your daughters and grandchildren can help with that Would sheltered housing be an option or renting a small place even a nice mobile home I quite fancy them Would you be able to go on pension credit or whatever it's called now to help with rent ? would a visit to CAB or even the benifits office be helpful for advice as to what you could manage ? I would also go back to GP you say it was years ago a new visit and tell them what's going on they can be really useful and pointing you to help You sound very depressed and understandable you do need other agencies involved to help you Don't waste the last years of your life like this