splitting up at 72?

Ana I was going by her post on Mon 19-Sep-16 at 17:48:36.

Wilma, where does loobyloo say she's made her decision? Have I missed something?

The Local council will be able to advise on local Housing Associations who might be able to help, and it may be possible for them to refer her to a Housing Association for rehousing. Not all retirement accommodation is the same i.e. to be avoided by active pensioners.

My 81 year old FiL lives in Housing Association sheltered accommodation in a large city and there are flats available most of the time. All are one bedroom, but there is a guest flat for visitors to use who want to stay overnight. It has a part time warden and housing officer, etc. He moved there some years ago with his late wife and they did not have to sell their home before moving in (they did sell it though). He's a very private person and lives quite independently of the other residents, going out every day in his car to do his shopping (the car is parked in his spot under the car port). For all intents and purposes, he's living in a nice, private one bed room flat where someone checks on him once a day (sometimes it's a knock on the door and sometimes it's a phone call, all quite unobtrusive). Being rented he doesn't have to worry about replacing the kitchen or bathroom etc., and the service charge is very reasonable.

loobyloo6624 I'm glad you've made your decision. Get advice, accept or ask for support and just keep thinking about how things might be this time next year.

Dear LoobyLoo,

Relate speak to people with situations like yours, go and see them, they will help with your decision.

Speak to housing at your council, or Women's Aid and request emergency housing as you Are a victim of domestic abuse- physical, emotional and financial. They have a duty to accommodate you- even in temporary housing for now- but eventually in a place of your own, maybe a pensioner development or sheltered housing. Just hang in there! Leave ASAP as life's too short to be miserable. Good luck!

Loobyloo. So sorry you find yourself in this situation. Leave I'd say but easier said than done I know and particularly hard without finance. I do wish you could go. How is your health. Look after yourself that's the most important. Health is wealth. Good luck xx

Definitely leave him. Start a new life for yourself. Don't rush into it. Plan it carefully and get all the help you can. All the very best for your future happy life.

*GP

Could op' s GO arrange for a social worker to help her?

My mother left her abusive husband (not my Dad) when she was in her 60's. She lived with me for about a year as she had nowhere else to go and no money, and was then given a flat in a Sheltered Housing block where she lived happily for another 20 years.
It was not ideal as I had my own family and a small house but I couldn't let her live in misery any more so please tell your daughter of your circumstances and let her help you.

Would you consider maybe private rental you may be able to claim housing benefit to help you once you make the decision to move out you might find family would then help you it's not too late to find happiness and peace of mind you have choices please stay strong and safe .

I think it's very difficult to confront major change when you are older and I think there needs to be lots of support. However, to continue to live without hope is not really a viable alternative. I couldn't say stay or go because only you know what you are prepared to do, but I do think people are much more supportive and kind that we imagine. Whatever your decision I wish you well.

loobyloo6624 there has been lots of good advice on here - it is definitely down to you to take first steps but I am sure family will help when they realise you are serious. GP, CAB are good starting points also Social Services may be able to offer solutions with regard to perhaps having him removed as he is a danger to himself & you.

My lovely DH died 3 years ago at age 72 leaving me a widow at 57, he was an Alcoholic & suffered from Depression. After we moved (downsized) to a new area he seemed to deteriorate, he was never abusive but all he wanted to do was drink & sleep, no interest in washing & little interest in eating (typical Alcoholic), I battled on as he had come out of severe depression in the past. Sadly he fell out of bed early one morning & could not get back in (nor could I help him). Ambulance called & he was admitted to Hospital with Pneumonia, during his Hospital stay it was discovered that he had Lung Cancer & ended his days in a Nursing Home.

I could not have coped with years of my life the way it had become so I cannot imagine how awful life is for you. Have courage, you will survive with help & advice - don't be downhearted if it doesn't all happen easily, but tell yourself ever step you take is another step to regaining your life.

I have now moved again (to another new area but near DD & her family) but have made lots of new friends & loving the challenge, enjoying being able to please myself - it's so liberating

There has been quite a "surge" of older women leaving their husbands after putting up with them for years. A good friend has been putting up with her husband who has become controlling and abusive. He has a daughter from his first marriage and my friend worries that if she leaves him the care will fall onto her step daughter .
Your husband sounds awful. Financially it may be difficult for you but do you want to live miserably for the rest of your life ? I say the same to you as I said to my friend, ditch the old git .

Some councils might have more sheltered housing available than others. But TBH, I think waiting lists are the norm.

I may be wrong. Worth trying.

My sister was married to an abusive husband and her life was a misery especially after he retired. She did leave him once after he knocked her about and even started divorce proceedings but she went back to him. I asked her why? For the money and lifestyle was her answer. When he was ill in hospital she drove every day in the bad weather and snow to see him. He recovered but she died soon after from cancer. He lived another five years. When my lovely husband died at the age of 67 my mother said "the wrong one died should have been that bugger."p

If he attacks her again, it might be. But in March the police only put her on a special watch for three months. Not very helpful. I suppose the OP would have to bring criminal proceedings. The March attack would provide grounds for divorce I would have thought.

My mum left my dad when she was 69 they had there own place, we took her to the local council and they gave her a 1 bedroom old peoples bungalow. They did live in Lincolnshire and came to Hertfordshire after leaving him. Lots of good advice on here, start getting as much info as you can you really don't have to live like this anymore. Jinglbellsfocks her earlier post said he had physically attack her in March. That alone is enough to get help.

Jings, makes good sense what you say. It's never as easy as some think, especially when one's older and got less energy/strength.

Being old doesn't in itself doesn't mean you will be taken care of by anyone 'out there'.

I'm not sure anyone is being realistic here. If the husband does not actually physically abuse her, how could she get him removed? He's obviously not going to leave under his own steam, and allow the flat to be sold? Without savings how could the OP buy anything? Women's group would probably give advice, but I doubt if they would find anywhere for her to live. Neither would the council, if she made herself homeless.

A divorce, followed by the sale of the flat, seems to be the only way out, in which case a solicitor has to be consulted. Would the OP really be up for that at her time of life? If so, go ahead.

Withyour share of the money from your flat you could possibly rent and then have savings for lovely treats and trips.

Go for it...first stop CAB though and your doctor of course.

Good luck in the next chapter of your life.

Go to a solicitor or CAB. Say you want to file for divorce on the grounds of his unreasonable behaviour. He is definitely guilty of that and you can get shot of him! When abuse has been officially recorded, you could well ultimately get a court order to have him ousted.
THIS IS NO LIFE FOR ANYONE!!!! But why should you leave your home? Let the SH*T hit the fan - thats the only way you can sort it out.

just adding, I only just read about the physical abuse .... I agree with the other posters, some great advice here XX

Dear Loobyloo

So sorry to hear about this . I really think you should talk to your doctor and his doctor if they are not the same. Certainly alcoholic dementia might be on the cards. And see the CAB for advice. Getting some information should help you to feel more in control. Perhaps he is at the stage where he needs to be moved to a dementia unit, which would make life easier for you. Sometimes documenting situations helps like recording when he has shouted at you or threatened you.
Wishing you all the very best.