How do you come to terms with guilt & regret over not being a good mother?

What's a good mum? Sounds like a similar position to mine. If I hadn't worked full time there wouldn't have been a roof over our heads etc. My eldest son continually complained that I sent him to school in short trousers (uniform he's nearly 50 now) when all the other boys wore long trousers. It was needs must they were given to me. I got so pissed off with him that I told him if that was the worst thing I ever did then he didn't do too badly. Tell him to get over it, sounds like he wants to blame somebody for his childhood so he's picked on you.

No one sets out to be a 'bad mother' . we all do the best we can in whatever circumstances we find ourselves in. Time and reflection by your son when and if he becomes a parent may heal the rift - i truly hope so for both of you.

I think you are probably right that he blames you for staying with your husband. I find it hard not to blame my own mother for this and it is the one thing she would never acknowledge. It would have been difficult with three small children but as the child in that situation it feels as if the husband or marriage is put before them and the abuse enabled and acknowledging that you know that you should have left might help.

bee63.....speaking as someone who had a pretty dire childhood due to our father I'd just say this. You cannot 'undo' the past but you can do something in the future if the chance arises.
The trouble with our family was that he never admitted he had done anything wrong and went to his grave seeing himself as the victim of ungrateful children.

Do not let that be your path. If your son really makes no effort to keep in touch you cannot force the matter but if in the future he does want to attempt any form of rapprochement listen to him and try to see it from his point of view rather than putting your views too forcefully. You might just have to bite your lip and let him have his say.

To be honest It sounds as if he has decided you were the villain when in fact you were just doing the best you could in some pretty testing times. He might prefer to blame you for things that he sees as all your fault and you will probably never be able to dissuade him. Sometimes its so much easier to be able to blame our own shortcomings on someone else!

Parent/Child relationships are fraught and as we all get older it can actually get more difficult. The idea of writing a letter is good....set all your thoughts out as clearly and as level headedly as you can and set the letter aside, read it the next day and if you still feel the same way - post it. You might find that putting it all down in writing and just putting the letter at the back of a cupboard, or even then tearing it up is actually enough to help you cope with this.
He sounds as if he may not begin to understand things for many years but please give him a chance if and when he does. In the mean time you can take huge comfort in knowing that just by wanting to try and by recognising how painful this is you are a million miles away from a Bad parent. You are fully aware of his pain and although times were hard when you were bringing him up you were just doing the best you could at the time. All the very best.

I too had a similar life with my husband and 4 children. As they were older We both made amends to our kids and they were accepted by 3 of them telling us we did the best with what we had. We have a fantastically close relationship with those 3. Unfortunately the 4th child grew up resentful and angry and blamed us for everything that went wrong in their life. We don't have any contact and haven't seen the estranged grandchildren as they are used to 'punish' us. My attitude to all this is that some of my child's problems may have my name on them but at the age of 45 the solutions have their name on them. I wish them well but have no contact as its too toxic. My other children also because of their own problems with their sibling have no contact either. Sadly that's families !

If your kids had a roof over their heads, clothes and food they were lucky, he really needs to grow up a bit and be grateful that you stayed there and struggled on..

Life is not easy for some people and can change in an instant so he may yet have struggles of his own to face, let him get on with his miseries and don't feel guilty.

Out of interest Joyfully did the canoe couple's marriage survive after their prison sentences? Well done to those lads rebuilding a relationship after their parents did that and so publicly!

It is very sad that your son has felt the need to criticise you and to refuse to empathise with your difficult circumstances when you were all younger.

I wasn't a brilliant mother in many ways although I adored my two children.

I was a full time teacher and mother and my DH was away from the house twelve hours a day so he saw little of the children. I was stressed and overworked and wanted the children to do well at school to escape the poverty trap I was in when I was little and my parents were arguing and divorcing. Thus, they had pressure put on them to do well that perhaps others didn't.

Now they are older my daughter often says, 'We were awful mum. I was really naughty.' (She wasn't, she was as good as gold - though extremely outspoken). My son made his disapproval of 'expectations' quite clear as he was growing up by doing little work at school and winding up his teachers though now he is lovely and seems to appreciate his privileged schooling.

I think most children come to an awareness of the efforts, goodwill and love their parents have put in when they themselves mature and perhaps your son has not grown up enough to see this yet.

My own parents were pretty lacking in many respects. My mother was loving but neglectful and my father was a great deal worse in his behaviour. When I was grown up I saw no point in upsetting them with accusations as they too were products of their own upbringing and both had fairly deprived childhoods.

Perhaps you could write a kind letter to your son outlining the difficulties you were under when they were smaller and saying that you always loved your childen and wanted the best for them. He cannot ignore the goodwill in a gesture like this and refuse to reconcile for the future, surely. It will put the ball in his court and require him to make the effort to reply with equal goodwill. If he refuses it will reveal to him what is true, that he is in the wrong and is being curmugeonly and sulky.

Good luck. It's a minefield. Gransnet seems to have a host of grandparents and parents who are suffering from the poor behaviour of others.

I know exactly how you feel.
Our eldest son is the same. Apparently I treated him differently to his younger brother.
He has disowned us twice. The first time he did it I broke my heart. The second time, I decided not to beat myself up about it.
I did my best, and that's good enough for me.

What's your definition of a great Mum then because the way in which you describe your early marriage and what you managed to achieve I think you were a bloody saint. I think that your family will need you long before you need them. Don't try to hard to build a relationship 'cos I don't think you have anything to apologise for. We would all like what we perceive as perfection but seldom if ever happens

If the Dawins sons can forgive their mother (canoe disappearing act) then others could follow their example. She admits she did a wicked thing by going along with husbands so called death. But slowly, along with amazing DiLs they reforming a relationship with her. The thing your son has not realised is that you did the best with the resources you had at the time. He might think he is a better parent, but wait till his grow up. You may or may not be around then, but he will more than likely regret how he has treated you. How gratifying it is to read comments saying we as parents are not perfect.

Sometimes it takes a kind strong woman to encourage their partner to forgive and move on. They are the best kind. Sometimes children want to go through life blaming anyone but themselves for their own failures in life.

Forgive yourself now for any mistakes you may have made and make the best of your life. You deserve it.

I haven't, despite assurances from my grown up kids.

Also it's boys - they may love us but will never feel as obligated as a daughter to keep in touch.

I've come to the conclusion that our children will never love us the same as we love them. It was our choice to have them - they owe us nothing. They have no obligation to keep in touch - if we want to stay close it's up to us to do the running. Sorry if it sounds harsh but over the years I've figured out a bit of human nature and why our kids are sometimes thoughtless.

bee63,you have struggled through hardship and done your best to raise 3 children,that sounds like a good mum to me.Why don't you write down your feelings briefly and give or post it to your son?That way,you can say what you would like him to know and he will have time to think about it.
I do hope that things improve for you and wish you all the best.

I am getting quite at the idea that mums are always in the wrong, that somehow we need to apologise to adult offspring for not being perfect.
We are not talking about neglect or abuse on this thread (not by mum of the children, anyway) We are not talking about cruelty or malnourishment or psychological harm are we?
Just normal (usually) working mothers trying to hold things together and provide a secure environment for their children, often without support.
This grown up son needs to get over himself. There are thousands of children growing up who are coping with poverty, disease, no education, persecution, homelessness, and who will, if they are lucky enough to reach adult years will make what lives they can. tricia I don't dispute your love and sincerity in explaining how things were to your children but I still think no apology should be seen as necessary.
Why oh why do mothers feel guilty - or why are they made to?
A relationship involves two sides, it involves give and take, OP's son sounds as if he has done plenty of taking, it is time he grew up and tried giving something back.

You were in difficult circumstances and handle things the best way you could. Try and explain what you have said here to your son and don't give up on building a stable relationship with him. As we get older, family is so important. Ask him to look to the future and happy times.

bee I agree with all that's been said so far - all you could do was your best... Can I ask whether your other DC think the same? As a pp has said, often siblings see things very differently, and their memories may not tally with his at all. If they ALL feel the same, then yes, separate apologies and more explanations may be helpful - but if the other two can recognise how difficult their childhoods were for you, then it is indeed your DS's problem. Also, does your DS have any small children? If not, then it will be very difficult for him to understand just how hard life can be if you have no support...

Oh how I sympathise and empathise! I have a million regrets! But we have to let go of those regrets and acknowledge that we did the best we could. You were BRILLIANT! Just keeping going under those circumstances...!!!! And, as most people have said, there comes a time when we all have to stop blaming our parents. x

You sound as if you did the best you could under very difficult circumstances, which is all anyone can do. Just tell him, you love him more than anything, you will always be there for him and that you are so sorry if he feels you let him down, you were struggling too. Please do not beat yourself up, there isn't one of us who is the perfect mother so join the club. Sending you ??

bee it sounds to me as if you did well to survive. His lack of understanding about how difficult things were shows how good a mum you were. Your protected and cared for your children. You are still a good mum, you want your son to be happy and of course you want to be close to him, but he's an adult now and must take responsibility for himself. There are some very wise words in previous responses, please don't blame yourself, you were more than a good enough parent. I hope your son will be able to see that perfect parents just don't exist. .

You cannot change people especially if they are 'glass half empty' people. I have sisters who are forever bemoaning their childhood but I just don't recognise what they say in much of my own memories. Yes, things could have been better but I have never yet met anyone who had the perfect childhood or perfect life.

bee63 - I can identify with your feelings. I feel bad that their Dad and I put our 3 through a lot of worry and sadness. A similar setup to yours, husband abusive, I had a demanding job.
A few years ago I dealt with it as rosesarered suggests, and hope you can do the same, or similar.I apologised to each separately and explained a bit. It did make things better. Second son is still a bit iffy - he went over to his Dad's side eventually, but he and I are still as close as we can be - he's the one who lives in India.
Don't keep blaming yourself, it's destructive.

(((Big hugs))) bee and now just carry on doing the best you can in the same way that you clearly have always done. Bless you!

beeI hope one day he understands too but if he doesn't there's nothing you can do about that and it certainly doesn't detract from the wonderful job you did. Doing the best we can for our children is all any of us can do.

There's nothing more painful than having all the love and care you gave as a parent, thrown back in your face by your own child.