How do you come to terms with guilt & regret over not being a good mother?

DD is adamant that her memories are faultless, despite admitting how poor her memory is!!

The strange thing is that I was allowed no right of reply, where usually there is nothing she enjoys more than a good argument.

Sounds similar to my recent conversation with DD,the difference being that she is adamant that her memory is faultless. I'm still struggling with what was said.

Being a 'good mother' is a relative term, not a clear definition.

As my mother said, you try to be the best mother you can be under the circumstances. It seems to be clear that that is exactly what the OP was, the best mother she could be under the very difficult circumstances she was faced with.

No parent is perfect, we all make mistakes, our children vary in character and personality. About a month ago, DD was chatting to me and suddenly, quite dispassionately told me how I had failed her as a mother when she was in her teens. She then resumed our previous conversation.

It was so sudden, unexpected and odd, I was gobsmacked and didn't even mention it to DH for several days. He immediately pointed out several inaccuracies in what she had said. This corroborated errors that had struck me at the time. I also discussed it with DS who is very close to his sister. His immediate reaction was also to point out other errors in her memory, and like DH quoted chapter and verse to support his comments.

DD and I continue our close and affectionate relationship, but it is odd to think that one member of the family's memory of a certain period of her life runs counter to everybody elses. She does have a very bad memory and has said she can remember very little of her childhood. I can only assume she has memories of how she felt as a teenager and came to the conclusion, in the absence of memories, that she felt like that because of my 'neglect' and because she cannot remember me doing various things like helping her with homework, which I did, she has decided I didn't.

There is not much I can do to change her view of her teenage years, so I must live with it. The OP is in a similar, but worse position and I think, sadly, she just has to accept that that is how her son perceives his childhood and there is little she can do change it. However that does not mean his memories or view are right and none of us can go back in time to prove our point.

'It sounds as if he has decided you were the villain when in fact you were just doing the best you could in some pretty testing times. He might prefer to blame you for things that he sees as all your fault and you will probably never be able to dissuade him. Sometimes its so much easier to be able to blame our own shortcomings on someone else!'

Bee63 could it be that he is emulating his father and blaming you for everything?

Looks that way to me...

I wish I could go back again as a Mum, as I didn't give my boys the best childhood and it has affected them We have talked about it recently and I've said sorry, they are good with me.

Long story, it was the fact that their father was not a good Dad (not abusive, but not loving/proud of them) I stayed with him, thinking best not to have a broken home, but now realise it would have been best for them if we'd split when they were young.

One boy is now suffering from depression and childhood inadequacies still affect him, he is working hard to sort his head out and be happy in life.I can't help feeling guilt, but now do all I can to support them, even though it can't be much financially.

Bee63 I'm sure you did your very best in the circumstances, he has no idea what you had to contend with. Would it help to write him a letter saying how you feel, and some of what happened then? You could say you will always love him and want the best for him, and hope one day he will want to see you again. And then, try and put it to one side, and do some lovely things for YOU.

Rinouchaka, I do so agree with you about....there comes a point we must take responsibility, and stop blaming our upbringing and/or parents.

I found myself dissolving into a weepy heap in the Doctors about something and she took the time to listen. A recent event had stirred everything up again She recommended a Counsellor who I then went to. My over riding feeling was that I was just so angry at carrying everything around and how it still impinged on my life and my enjoyment of everything good that was happening.

The sessions allowed me to draw a line....emotionally tie it all up in a knot and throw it away. We are all individuals and I did not need to 'dig it all up' I did not need to seek any apologies....I just needed to give myself permission to say 'enough' and walk away. Its worked. I do not need to dredge it all up now....its in the past, he cannot hurt me NOW and I can see the good in the world and enjoy my family and future.
Now and again something might happen that could have sent me back on the route to misery memories - but I just say to myself its a waste of time, nothing can change....look forward. The stories we tell ourselves, the memories we drag up can create so much pain that we just have to say ENOUGH....and move on and enjoy what's to come.

mumofmadboys, thank you, lets hope so

Tough love grannypiper.I hope he can emerge from his difficult situation and one day be grateful to you for giving him the kick he needed.x

I really feel for you, your life sounds like the perfect mirror image of mine, my son left school and done NOTHING but sit on his playstation whilst i worked 17 hours a day.After 9 years (i know) i threw him out and let him get on with it, by this time he was 26!, he hasnt spoken to me since but to be honest at first it hurt now after nearly 3 years i see it as a relief, i didnt undrestand the stress he brought to my life.Now i come home and my house looks the same as i left it, so i dont walk up the path dreading the mess that he would have made ( he sat in squalor, in his room). My other children work hard and are lovely well adjusted adults. He will find his way back at some point

How interesting that so many of us, myself included, feel we were not the best of mothers to our children. Bee63, do write to your son and tell him things from your perspective, reminding him that you have always loved him. The rest is up to him. Good luck! It sounds as if you were as good a mother as you could possibly be under the circumstances. Perhaps your son will understand better when he becomes a parent himself!

Re adult children blaming their parents for all their ills, I once had an older colleague who, aged 60, still blamed her mother for all that went wrong in her life! There comes a point when ( apart from real abuse of all kinds), adults must take responsibility for their actions.

Such good, supportive comments from all posters above.

I think I know how you feel bee63. I wasn't a very good mum to my first child. My priorities were all wrong - keeping the house clean, cooking nutritious meals and all those practical things - and returning to work made me even more exhausted and stressed. My daughter says I was emotionally distant and, with hindsight, I have to admit that I was very impatient, not at all affectionate and spent very little time playing with her. I do feel guilty but I have done my best over the last twenty-five years or so to go some way towards making up for those earlier deficiencies. Nevertheless, from time to time - if there are any disagreements, I am told what a rotten mum I was.

I think you had a much tougher time than me - caring for four young children at the same time as working and dealing with an abusive husband, I think you were marvellous to be able to cope at all.

I think there must come a time for adults when they stop blaming their parents for everything that is wrong in their lives - unless, of course, they have experienced serious emotional or physical cruelty.

I am sure you did your best in very difficult circumstances and although I know from experience it is easy to fall into a pattern of self-blame, I don't think it really serves any useful purpose other than to encourage adult children to continue seeing themselves as victims - which is really not that helpful for their own self-development.

Even those raised in abusive situations (including me), should be expected to take full responsibility for their actions when they grow up.

How I agree with that statement, Mo33. I had a very unsettled childhood with a mother who had an unpredictable temper, an appetite for men regardless of their suitability as partners or fathers and had no real empathy with anybody else's feelings. This obviously negatively impacted my childhood and early adulthood but after a while you just have to take responsibility for your own stability and happiness. I always say, she messed up my childhood, I'll be damned if I let that mess up the rest of my life.

I feel incredibly sad for you Bee63 because at least you are prepared to admit that everything wasn't perfect. I think that goes a long way to help than someone like my Mum who justifies everything she ever did. Hopefully your son will get to a place when he feels like he can open up a dialogue and I wish you the best of luck.

You did your best, none of us are perfect. But I'm assuming he's a functioning adult with prospects, etc. You helped give him that. He should appreciate your hard work in giving him life and a future.
He's also lucky to have a mum who still cares for him. I lost mine when very young. Would have loved to have her around to moan about about!

Bee63,

I know that most have disagreed with my comments, but I applaud you for the fact that you are prepared to apologise to your son for what happened, and are also going to try to explain how things were. However, do not apologise for, or allow him to blame you for his actions as an adult. Even those raised in abusive situations (including me), should be expected to take full responsibility for their actions when they grow up.

I wish you the best, and really hope that things work out.

He might see things differently and he may change his mind later. He may not.

I stuck it out with my parents, but I had the courage to say to my relatives " thanks for calling, but I just want to be alone now". This was a tiny sentence but it meant a lot to me.

I was being barraged with photo's, films and memories. They were well meaning and sweet but nobody lived in that house and saw all the arguments. My sister and I always pulled our pillows over our heads when we heard his key in the door.

I hope you reconnect b63. At least you have tried, and I think he will respect that in the future. Just give it time, and never give up.

Yes, my mothers very words were 'you've made your bed you lie in it', she also said, 'don't think you're coming back here with 3 children' I was totally on my own, she even knew dh was abusive to me. But as you say, I'd have been an embarrassment.

Bee63-try to have some compassion for your younger self. You were in a very difficult situation and did your very best.

Try also to see the situation from your son's point of view and perhaps write to him acknowledging how difficult it must have been for him.

When you were bringing him up the general advice was to try to keep the family intact. Women's refuges and women's aid were only just starting. Family attitudes were often of the "you've made your bed now lie on it" nature and our parents felt embarrassed by a family divorce. It can be hard for younger people to realise how different things were.

I would say all this to yourself but still be willing to listen to anything your son has to say and to take responsibility for your part in it without making excuses. It must indeed have been difficult for him growing up in a bad atmosphere as a child. He might still be angry if you had left. You did your best.

Thank you all

I will try & rebuild a relationship with my son, but I have to accept that he may want a future without me.
All I can do is apologise to him, explain the extreme stress I was under & hope that he finds it in his heart to understand.
If a relationship isn't possible, I'll feel slightly better knowing at leat I tried.

Thank you again.

OH how I empathize with you Bee63! I had 3children under 2 years old and struggled like mad to keep going. Husband absolutely useless and ended up in prison. No modern facilities at all . Terry nappies permanently soaking in a large dustbin. No washer,no fridge bath in the kitchen . Open fire in the lounge of my one bedroom upstairs flat. No help whatsoever from anyone including my Mother whose attitude was-you made your bed now you lie in it.
Fast forward a few years and I remarried and had another son. He got to 24years old and was serving in the RAF and was killed in an accident in Cyprus.
Since then,21 years ago now my other 3adult children have had very little to do with me. Occasionally one daughter says she wants to rebuild our relationship but as far as she is concerned that means a phone call or maybe a short visit once every 6months. My son now aged 51 I haven't seen for 20 years.
I am sad beyond belief, there is nothing I can do .
Sorry I have gone off the point really. I just realize now that you have children to bring up but then they choose what they want and if it doesn't include you there is no answer.

I think you did your best in difficult circumstances. Your description of yourself could be about me : stressed and exhausted by a demanding job, not enough money, a husband who was a violent alcoholic and after we parted when the children were 2 and 4 he had no contact with them, contributed nothing financially, not even towards his debts I was left with. My mother was critical and unsupportive. When my son and daughter have problems now I often blame myself, thinking if I'd been a better mother they may not have had those problems. Fortunately, now with children of their own, they recognise I did my best and how hard it was for me. I think your son should appreciate you did your best ! Is there someone who could explain that to him ? Perhaps he will come to realise how much you did for him if you keep the communication channels open and try to ignore his attempts to blame you for anything.

How lovely Cazzajen that your relationship with your eldest son is so good! Well done to you both.

I also struggled as a Mum when my children were small. My husband was abusive and I suffered from depression. I was working 3 jobs trying to make ends meet. My eldest son went completely off the rails with it all and I ended up having to put him into care at 15 because I had to put my youngest first. My eldest never spoke to me for years and when he did he was abusive towards me, even though I tried to explain. We all do the best we can with what we've got at the time. My eldest is now 37 and has three children of his own. He now understands completely and we have a really close relationship. He has turned into the most amazing son ever.
You hang in there Bee, he sounds immature atm. He'll change, you mark my words. I wish you all the best. X

I don't think your son has gained enough life experience yet to be able to see how well you actually did in very difficult circumstances. Life throws us all curved balls, perhaps when he's dealt with a few more in his own life he will understand. Till then try to just love him while cutting yourself some slack. X

I am so glad I read all these posts. I can totally empathise with all those mothers who were parenting in the best way they could under difficult circumstances . My husband left me when I was pregnant with my daughter and my DS s were 3 and 5. I brought them up on my own and the boys are now fine young men who I get on really well with. My relationship with DD was so good until she became a teenager but she changed and she left home at 16. We have tried to rebuild over the last 10 years and I have given endless support in every way I can and yet I am seemingly the cause of all her mental health problems . She has now labelled me as destructive and my second DH is so upset to see how she has effectively abused my love and support for her. She is getting support from other agencies because all the rest of the family have got tired of her constant problems and issues. It is hard not to keep helping her because of her mental health but I am now the only one that she is mean to . I have had to have counselling and have come to the conclusion that if I am so detrimental to her well being then I shall step back .
It's so sad but the responses here have made me feel stronger and more certain that I have done the best I can. She is 27 and I haven't closed the door entirely but I don't deserve the abuse when my intentions have only ever to help her feel loved and supported. Thank you to everyone on this forum.

Willsmadnan,

You know absolutely nothing about me, and have simply accused me of having 'pent-up anger' because my point of view differs from that of yours and some others. Disagreement does not equate 'pent-up anger', and your accusation of anger does not mean that my point of view is invalid.

My posts have been far more balanced than most who have posted on this subject. I have acknowledged that bee63 was in a terrible situation and was a victim of abuse, but also acknowledged that her son was a victim of abuse. He had an awful childhood and was raised in an abusive situation, but that has been conveniently ignored by some members.

Most of the members who have posted have automatically assumed that the son is the problem and should just 'get over it', and have even used derogatory terms to describe him. I have done nothing of the sort, and neither described bee63 or her son in any kind of derogatory way. Also, encouraging bee63 to shift all responsibility onto the son won't help and will probably destroy any chance of a relationship that she has with him.

I have not been in contact with my family for many years as the situation was, and still is potentially dangerous. However, I am not angry about how I was treated and moved on a very long time ago, so your assumption of being 'burdened' is incorrect. However, I am grieved by the fact that we still make so many excuses for child abuse, and raising children in abusive situations. It is the 21st century, and we should be beyond such archaic and damaging attitudes.

It is perfectly acceptable for me to present another point of view, and explain that maybe the son has a very good reason for not wanting to be in contact. I have already wished bee63 well, as I believe that she is sincere in wanting to rebuild a relationship with her son, and am still of the opinion that Frue's advice is probably the best course of action to take. However, it is important that we all take full responsibility for what we do in this life, including raising children in abusive situations, even if it seemed to be the best thing or only thing that someone could do at the time.