Feeling depressed after spending time with family

My sister used to come out with what I would class as spiteful remarks, eventually I took to asking her' why did you say that ' she invariably couldn't answer & she gradually stopped doing it.

People who treat others like this usually have problems themselves. Look after yourself be indifferent to them get your self some friends don't forget you can choose friends but not family.

Tell the pair of them to bug+er off and only come back when they have grown up

I never trust anyone that makes nasty remarks that really hurt a person, and they then try to turn them around by saying that they were "just a joke".
No they weren't.
Those remarks were meant to wound, and the person who said them knows exactly what they are saying. What makes it worse is when it is a member of your family that does this, it is heartbreaking.
to all of you who have, or indeed still are, on the receiving end of such vitriol.

Life's too short to spend time with people whom we don't like a lot or who hurt us intentionally or otherwise. Spend time with those other people who love AND respect you and certainly don't feel guilty.

I understand how you feel and sympathise my mother has made remarks that could have upset me all my life. I have decided it isn't worth confronting her, she would only deny it, I only allow her limited access to my life. That doesn't mean I don't have contact just that when I see her I stick to neutral subjects and never let her know much about my personal life. By doing this I am able to see the funny side of her attempts to be cutting. I am sorry your DD is behaving like your mother, perhaps you shouldn't see them together.

I know this is no consolation but my friend's mother was hurtful and rude until the day she died. It deeply affected my friend, who has had years of counselling to try to get over it. I thought when her mother died she would be full of regrets for a what could have been, but in fact she felt nothing but relief. Speak to your mother now about the hurt she is causing you and if she doesn't pay heed then limit contact.

I have a similar problem with my eldest daughter she has virtually cut me off,for the last 16 years.If on the rare family occasion we meet she makes constant disparaging remarks about me .This has happened since I divorced her father ( he had frequent affairs throughout our marriage) his final mistress phoned me to tell me that he did not love.Finally after being hospitalized with depression I filed for divorce.My eldest daughter however blames me &cannot forgive. She has also stopped speaking to 3 o her 4 children,& phones her father when in need of money.iI still find it very painful.

I think you've made the right decision JantyK. I too have been in that position with my sister and mother, so I just walked away and now always refuse to attend birthday lunches, shopping and the like. I keep a healthy distance, and no-one has expectations of me anymore - result!

That's an awful way for your mother to behave towards you, big hugs xx

Otherwise I agree with Anya. There is no point in trying to be subtle.

Using humour as a form of bullying is particularly unpleasant because if you stand up to it you just get 'can't you take a joke'. Strange how the same person is always the butt of the joke.
I don't think that people who do that are likely to stop and so you can only change the way you deal with it. They know very well that it upsets you.
I wouldn't invite your mother. Maybe visit her, then you can cut it short and leave and you won't be ganged up on.

You know the old saying can pick your friends but you can't pick your family. Tell them what you think it's not fair on you.

ELFIES....that's a terrible memory for you to carry alone.
May I suggest you see a respected and we'll qualified counseller to talk about this openly and without judgement. It may help you to get rid of the painful memories and
"move forward" in the rest of your life.
I too had some hurtful things said to me by my mother but it was resolved in a remarkable and truly honest way when I was with my healer friend !
Google...British Association of Councellers.
You can search for one by postcode and read their individual speciality.
Good Luck to you.

I can totally empathise but it's my DD who is rude, aggressive and very unkind to me. I now keep my distance and say very little except for general pleasantries because my DGS and DGD are so important to me. I'm expected to visit for a few days at Christmas but I would so much prefer to be anywhere else.

ome excellent advice here. Its what you learn when counselling. Everyone has a right to their own feelings. If you just say
I feel really hurt when you say things like that to me.
If she says its only joke or you can't take a joke. reply

Thats right. I feel really hurt about it.

Then be quiet. Its a method that you have to practice and so if you then keep quiet or leave the room you won't be tempted to say more or accuse her of something.
She sounds really awful. My Mother in law was like that
I gave up on her just 5 years before she died and should have done it 20 years earlier.

What good advice, I need it and will follow it also. Thank you all you Grans.

I agree with Anya.
These "I feel ..." sentences are well and good, but often lost on unkind people.

Try something more subtle like 'Who the f**k do you think you are to talk to me like that?'

Yes think of yourself for once and do what makes you happy!!!

Just remove yourself from harm's way. Don't have her round and if your adult daughter doesn't behave ask her to move out, she could go and live with gran.

Self preservation is important and people will treat you badly if you let them. It is not a joke being rude is well, it's rude.

You have to look after yourself as well as you care for other people, anything else is just asking for trouble.

A lot of people disguise hurtful things by saying "it's only a joke." You can always reply. "I know it's a meant to be a joke but unfortunately I don't find it funny."

Janty you said My mother likes to play the victim so if I said she was hurting me with her behaviour she would get worse.

I think that's the point Mumofmadboys was making.

Don't say to your mother 'You are hurting me' because you are blaming her for your hurt and she will become defensive.

Instead, say ' I feel hurt when you and DD criticise me.'
There is a subtle difference. The second version is about how you feel rather than what she is doing, and doesn't imply blame. It is just a statement of the impact her behaviour has on you.
If you can preface it with , 'Can I just talk to you about something Mum?' that's even better because she has given you permission to talk about it.
Good luck
And for you too elfies

Sounds like you have let your mother and older daughter beat you up with an emotional stick for a long time and they have now go use to it.
You have to be the one to stop their cruelty. Don't go anywhere with them, stay away and they wont have to opportunity to hurt you, they will have no target.
Why don't you go away with your youngest daughter, and give her a break from them too.
They say the only way to stand up to bullies is to give back what they give out, but that may not work.
Stay away from them for your own sake. good luck

jantyk I agree with others who say you should try and avoid being in the company of your mother and daughter. If you don't feel it will help to challenge them about their hurtful behaviour, probably the best thing you can do is keep out of their way. Spend your time with people, like your husband and other daughter, who appreciate you and treat you nicely.