Feeling depressed after spending time with family

I think you should pick them up on it. There will be people who can say things more coherently than I can but I speak as someone who has a sharp tongue and try very hard not to say the first thing that comes out of my mouth. Perhaps say to your mother each time -if you can't say something nice be silent, and repeat it until she gets the message.

I am not sure that, given the difficulties, inviting them all to come away with you is a good idea! - relationships that can cope with a looser arrangement might founder under these circumstances.

How old is your Mum? Has she always done this? Is she likely to change if you say anything? - or might it make things worse?

I think the thing to do is to relate to your family in situations that do not have the potential to cause stress and conflict. If going away or getting together en masse does not work, then just accept that as a fact of life and get together with them individually perhaps or in other combinations that work.

That's very sad for you. I think though that as long as you let them carry on , they'll carry on. It's a form of bullying in my opinion, and it's not funny and it's not big or clever .

Maybe speak to them individually and say things like ' when you do that it makes me feel hurt/sad/unhappy. ' . If they say they were joking, be honest and say it's not funny.

Then when you're in a group , pull them up on it. If they carry on doing it despite knowing it hurts you, you can be honest and say 'if you treat me like this I'm not doing this anymore'.

Maybe once they realise you're serious they might rein it in. Ask your younger daughter for support . Good luck x

If I were you I would arrange to take a holiday all by myself. I've always enjoyed things like Ramblers Holidays. You could take a cruise, even go on a retreat. Don't put up with the sniping any longer and be glad that your younger daughter is reasonable.

It is good to make an 'I' statement. Could you say something like 'I feel hurt when you and Grandma tease me about whatever'. By starting with I it takes the accusatory tone out of it a bit and hopefully is more likely to keep the peace.

I expect your DD and your mum know that they hurt your feelings without being told. I agree with those who've said to avoid the kind of situation where the two of them together are spiteful towards you: see them separately if at all. I don't think I'd go on holiday with someone who had been "anti" me for fifteen years.

Since your daughters are grown up they can presumably go and visit their grandma by themselves, or you could go with the younger DD and let the older one go by herself.

Walking away from situations that leave you depressed is a valid way of dealing with them: by preventing them happening in the first place.

Don't forget the old adage JantyK You can choose your friends but you can't choose your relatives

There is also nothing you can do about being the only child of an only child. Why do you feel you should be the one who has to create nice memories for them? What about your own memories?

Is this happening every time you're all together? If it was me I'd be inclined to invite the younger daughter only and tell the others that as they so obviously don't like your company, you're going to do things without them. You may not see them again but it sounds as if that would be no bad thing (Tin hat time for me maybe)

Thank you for that advice. It is a difficult one as I suppose my mother has always made me feel responsible for her feelings and while in my head, as an adult, I know that I'm not, that family dynamic can kick in after more than 24 hours in her company. I don't think she will change and my eldest daughter only tends to behave badly towards me in her company. My mother likes to play the victim so if I said she was hurting me with her behaviour she would get worse. I think the advice to steer clear is very valid. I have today made the decision that I am not going to spend my time on them if it isn't going to be enjoyable. I'd rather go away with the OH or my youngest - or just be on my own!

Well done Janty - good decision-making

Exactly Janty - well done. You only have to be a victim if you choose to be.

unfortunately we can't choose our family.
Your mother must have done something right because she has brought you up to be a caring person who tries to live up to your responsibilities.
Give yourself a good talking to, tell yourself you are 'worth it' and try to detach. I think I have almost reached this state of nirvana this year but there's still a bit a work to do.
I tell myself that my mother is jealous. Not sure what of, she has had a lovely life.
Sounds like you've made the decision for yourself. Good luck??

Speaking as someone who has a sharp tongued mother I know how it feels. Very hurtful.
No matter what I say she will never see my point of view, I can tell her she has said something very unfair or hurtful but she has all the excuses. Older people cannot see their remarks can be nasty, I am sure my mother thinks she is saying things to make me improve when she tells me Im huge, Im stupid, lazy etc. I cant do that to anyone.
So to anyone with family who treat them like this you have my sympathy.

You have mine etheltbags1. People can be so cruel without thinking first. My own Mother used to pick fault all the time. If we went shopping for her we always managed to get something she did not like. If we cleaned for her she was always picking fault. If we visited her she always picked fault with how we brought our children up.....the list goes on. The trick is not to take it to heart, don't visit so often, although she might even find fault with that! We got fed up of the constant criticism and so we stayed away. Who was the loser? We were there at the end, because we were good daughters, but none of us could honestly say we were not relieved. No more nagging, no more slights, no more tantrums, no more fights. Peace at last all round.

My mum picked faults too , and I dreaded going to visit , because she always played her children and grandchildren off against each other . When she was terminally ill we visited almost daily for a year and spent all our spare money on travelling to see her ,which caused a lot of arguments.
1 regret so much that I did that now ,risking jeopordising my marriage and relationship with my own children, as in the last week of her life she made a point of telling me she disliked me , and I simply can't get it out of my head and am constantly depressed . Silly I know but always in the back of my mind .

You have made a good decision, Janty not to continue these holidays. Life is too short to put up with snash from cruel relatives.

I only signed up to be able to comment on this.. If what your saying is unbiased then just don't invite her round. As negative energy breeds negative energy. If it's bringing you down don't do it, you never know she may learn. Plus, this approach will show your children how to behave in similar life situations (grown up, or not). Obviously, the older she gets the more she may relie on you for practice things, and that's fine. as it'll only weigh on your concious if not - but, purely for practice help.

That's so sad elfies. Remember you were a good daughter to her to the end of her life and your mum like all of us to some degree was flawed. Why she said something so thoughtless at the end of her life is hard to understand but try to forgive her and think of happier times.x

Elfies I can understand how devastating your mum's comment must have been and I'm so sorry this continues to upset you.

I don't know what to say, other than that some people hit out at others when they are afraid and in pain or discomfort. Also, sometimes when people are very ill it affects the brain and their thinking processes.

I hope that your relationship with your husband and children recovered and is of some comfort to you. It is quite common for adult children of hyper-critical parents to make great efforts to win their love and approval and you should not blame yourself for the way you responded during your mother's illness.

I wish you well and hope you can now allow yourself to be happy.

jantyk I agree with others who say you should try and avoid being in the company of your mother and daughter. If you don't feel it will help to challenge them about their hurtful behaviour, probably the best thing you can do is keep out of their way. Spend your time with people, like your husband and other daughter, who appreciate you and treat you nicely.

Sounds like you have let your mother and older daughter beat you up with an emotional stick for a long time and they have now go use to it.
You have to be the one to stop their cruelty. Don't go anywhere with them, stay away and they wont have to opportunity to hurt you, they will have no target.
Why don't you go away with your youngest daughter, and give her a break from them too.
They say the only way to stand up to bullies is to give back what they give out, but that may not work.
Stay away from them for your own sake. good luck

Janty you said My mother likes to play the victim so if I said she was hurting me with her behaviour she would get worse.

I think that's the point Mumofmadboys was making.

Don't say to your mother 'You are hurting me' because you are blaming her for your hurt and she will become defensive.

Instead, say ' I feel hurt when you and DD criticise me.'
There is a subtle difference. The second version is about how you feel rather than what she is doing, and doesn't imply blame. It is just a statement of the impact her behaviour has on you.
If you can preface it with , 'Can I just talk to you about something Mum?' that's even better because she has given you permission to talk about it.
Good luck
And for you too elfies

A lot of people disguise hurtful things by saying "it's only a joke." You can always reply. "I know it's a meant to be a joke but unfortunately I don't find it funny."

Just remove yourself from harm's way. Don't have her round and if your adult daughter doesn't behave ask her to move out, she could go and live with gran.

Self preservation is important and people will treat you badly if you let them. It is not a joke being rude is well, it's rude.

You have to look after yourself as well as you care for other people, anything else is just asking for trouble.

Yes think of yourself for once and do what makes you happy!!!